[rainbow8]

I hardly thought about my T at all for the 2 weeks since I saw her last. I only emailed her once, the day after my last session. She went out-of-town, but I didn't worry. I even started a thread about "reasons why not seeing T last week was good".

So, tomorrow I see her again, and I already dread the return of "those feelings." Today was a hard day. I was in a car accident so I emailed T. I wonder if I was manipulating her, since she emailed back. I didn't make it worse than it was; I stated the facts. I wasn't hurt but I feel scared about driving now. She wrote that it was important to talk about it, and that's why she "broke her rule."

I like it when she breaks the rule. I don't like that rule anymore. I felt better when I read her email to me. I asked if I could have an earlier appointment tomorrow but she wrote that she doesn't have any. THAT made me very sad. I hate it when I realize she has all of these other clients. I know that's transference. I want all the attention; I don't want to share it.

It's been kind of nice without the ups and downs of therapy. I wish my T did not trigger all of those feelngs in me. I still want "everything to do with her" or "nothing to do with her." I wish I could go in there tomorrow and cry, or hug her, first thing, or something like that. I am grateful I'm alive and she's alive but I am more scared about car crashes now.

[CantExplain]

((Rainbow))

[granite1]

rain i am so glad you are ok

[unaluna]

wow rain. we missed you! My T asked where you were, I haven't mentioned your name in so long! So I have become so attached to my T, due to various circumstances, that it just broke my heart to hear you ask for an earlier session and not be able to get it why does she still feel this way? how can she feel better? it took me a long long time to feel better, and I had to get rid of the bad people in my life. can you get your H to hold you? for therapeutic reasons, of course! preferably your back to his front, his arms wrapped over yours or however is comfortable. this position, which is one of my favorites with T, was also recommended in the book, The Emotionally Absent Mother. (She recommends pillows as needed to eliminate unwanted body contact.) I wish you could have gotten a hug like this after you talked to T today, and after your accident.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, granite, wiki, can'texplain, and hankster.

hankster: My H didn't kiss or hug me after my accident. He just said he wasn't angry except that I didn't follow his advice about when to go to the store. I wonder what it would have been like to have a H who hugged me like that and told me "I'm glad you weren't hurt." I never even thought about him doing that. The hug sounds nice. I will ask my T for a regular hug. I could ask my H too. It just would have been nice for him to think of it. Why is the back to front hug recommended in the book? It sounds nice as I don't like hugs so much anyway.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Why is the back to front hug recommended in the book? It sounds nice as I don't like hugs so much anyway.

It's listed as a holding exercise, to do with a friend. You take turns, she says take 20 MINUTES EACH!!! The holder can like put their back up against a wall for support. the author writes:

"one woman reported that during her first experience at this exercise, she kept anxiously checking every few minutes, preparing herself for her partner's abandonment."

I did too, the first time I did it with T! I was like, is this okay? are you sure this is okay?

the book continues:

"think how many young children have not had this quality time and the sense of being important enough for Mother to give all of her attention to, for more than the briefest moment. Exercises such as this can help change this deep imprint."

- The Emotional Absent Mother
by Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC

Susan Shapiro, a writer originally from Michigan who has published several books (some chick-lits) and teaches writing at the New School and is married to a handsome writer and IS LIVING MY LIFE!!!! okay sorry, got carried away there - well, her T also recommended it some years ago. She wrote about it in her novel about her many T's. We got into a bit of an email discussion about my current T hugging me, she feels it's unsafe, but I am Adam Ant. I can quit anytime

[peaches100]

Rainbow,

I totally understand about the "out of sight, out of mind" thing. I think it's a way we disconnect when our t's leave, so that we don't feel that separation pain.

I'm sorry you got into a car accident! I'm so glad you weren't hurt. Yes, it would have been really nice if your husband would have voluntarily given you some comfort or words of gratefulness that you weren't injured. He probably felt it though.

I really, really wish my t would hold me the way Hankster described it. I think it would do a great deal toward helping me heal. However, I am too afraid to ever ask for that. She told me once a long time ago, "I don't hold anyone in my practice." So i must have asked her about it at some point?? As you know, she will hold my hand, but i even have trouble asking for that.

rain, i have tried to post this twice already and keep getting kicked off my own computer!!!
i am sorry about your car accident and especially glad you were not hurt.
i'm sorry h didn't comfort you afterwards.
i got in a car accident and totaled my car. my h even yelled at me for taking "the wrong car"... he is now ex-h.
i am glad you see t today and glad she emailed you. she needed to break her own rule.
sending safe hugs and safe driving!!!!!

Originally Posted by hankster

wow rain. we missed you! My T asked where you were, I haven't mentioned your name in so long! So I have become so attached to my T, due to various circumstances, that it just broke my heart to hear you ask for an earlier session and not be able to get it why does she still feel this way? how can she feel better? it took me a long long time to feel better, and I had to get rid of the bad people in my life. can you get your H to hold you? for therapeutic reasons, of course! preferably your back to his front, his arms wrapped over yours or however is comfortable. this position, which is one of my favorites with T, was also recommended in the book, The Emotionally Absent Mother. (She recommends pillows as needed to eliminate unwanted body contact.) I wish you could have gotten a hug like this after you talked to T today, and after your accident.

Hankster, curse you for putting that hug idea in my head! Arrghh!! I'm so jealous. My T never touches me at all. Do you cry when he hugs you? Does it feel healing? I would just come unglued and sob all over the place. Now I can't get the picture out of my head, and I see T tomorrow. Blargh.

Rainbow, I'm so sorry about your accident. Even a minor one is such a shock to the system, and it will affect me for days even if I wasn't injured. I'm glad you emailed your T and that she replied. Yeah, it IS nice when they break a rule for you. Good luck at your session tomorrow. I'm glad you had a nice break - it sounds like you handled it well. Those up and down feelings won't be there forever. You're making progress! Just keep showing up, as they say .....

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

Hankster, curse you for putting that hug idea in my head! Arrghh!! I'm so jealous. My T never touches me at all. Do you cry when he hugs you? Does it feel healing? I would just come unglued and sob all over the place. Now I can't get the picture out of my head, and I see T tomorrow. Blargh.

I don't think me and my T have ever touched at all either I have told T that I felt like if exT would have let me sit with her and let her hold me, then the flood gates of the years of held-back tears would have poured open. I resonate with you sayng "I would just come unglued and sob all over the place." I imagine that experience to be so very healing.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

Hankster, curse you for putting that hug idea in my head! Arrghh!! I'm so jealous. My T never touches me at all. Do you cry when he hugs you? Does it feel healing? I would just come unglued and sob all over the place. Now I can't get the picture out of my head, and I see T tomorrow. Blargh.

wow bun, if I could cry, I feel like my therapy would have been over decades ago. I can squeeze out a tear or two. I think once I cried for up to five minutes, and that was my biggest cry ever with him, with any T. in 30 years. I cry outside T, but not very often. it's like that's my mother's department, no one else is allowed to. hmm, I didn't remember that til just now, that that is a lot of the reason why, or rather why not.

well, bunny, then I would go to an AA or OA or whatever-A meeting, just to get some hugs! Those people are extremely huggy! And you can find women-only meetings, so you don't have to worry about hugging guys. Or go to the Al-Anon meetings. You know, nothing was ever SAID about anybody ever having any problem in our house, but it still existed. Like somebody said here, who should go to therapy? I think everybody can learn something good from AA, whether you drink or problem drink or not.

Originally Posted by hankster

well, bunny, then I would go to an AA or OA or whatever-A meeting, just to get some hugs! Those people are extremely huggy! And you can find women-only meetings, so you don't have to worry about hugging guys. Or go to the Al-Anon meetings. You know, nothing was ever SAID about anybody ever having any problem in our house, but it still existed. Like somebody said here, who should go to therapy? I think everybody can learn something good from AA, whether you drink or problem drink or not.

Oh, but I WANT to hug guys - specifically T. It's the transference thing, doncha know. It's the daddy hugs I want. But thanks for the AA idea. "Hi, my name is Bunny and I'm just here for the hugs." Riiiiiightt.....

[murray]

Hi Rainbow. Sorry you don't know me as I am more of a lurker not a poster (too anxious to post most of the time) I just wanted to say that I am glad that you were not injured in the car accident and it does leave one shaken, that's for sure. As far as your H not having the most comforting reaction I wanted to share that perhaps it was because he was frightened. In the past I have been guilty of responding poorly to similar situations where loved ones could have been hurt. The thought of it scared me and upset me so much that rather than reacting in a loving comforting way, I have sometimes yelled or complained about some silly thing that could have made the whole thing not have happened...totally counter-productive I admit but sometimes in those stressful moments we aren't always at our best. I may be totally off base and unwelcome in my thoughts, just wanted to offer the perspective that maybe your H was concerned.

[WikidPissah]

Hey rainbow...just one more day!

My H's go-to is usually a bit of an anger flare. He gets upset and is like raaarrrrr. I often think his growl is directed towards me, but I have learned it is directed towards what threatened me. Now I tell him, "H, I am really upset and could just use a little love right now". He always softens immediately and gives me an "I'm sorry sweetie, are you ok?". They are like T or anyone else, they need to be told what we need. Yup, it would feel great to not have to tell them...but it doesn't feel horrible to tell them and get what we need.

[critterlady]

Oh, I'm so sorry you had an accident. I'm glad you weren't injured, but it can still be traumatic.

T and I shook hands the first time we met, but there's been zero touch since then. Sometimes I think I would love a hug from T and then in the next breath, I think no way could I hug him. I'm a hugger, but there's something so incredibly intimate about therapy that including a hug would go over the top for me.