[sunrise]

At my recent therapy session, in which we were doing some trauma work, I felt like I was on the cusp of disintegration. By that I guess I mean emotional breakdown. Or decompensation. Instead of allowing that to happen, I was able to feel my strong feelings in a less disintegrating way, and we moved through (not around) this challenging work. I do feel healing took place. I didn't avoid the feelings, but expressed them in a way that let me hold myself together more.

Now I am thinking back on that moment, when I was on the brink of just losing it, and how I chose a less "showy" way of expression my feeling. I wasn't sitting there stone-faced or anything, I was crying and had tears streaming down my face for a period and I made no effort to stop them or wipe them away. But T asked me to tell the person who was part of this trauma scene what I needed to tell him, and I was unable to speak those words out loud. I knew I would just lose it. So I spoke what I wanted to tell him silently--still difficult but not having to say the words out loud helped me keep myself together.

My question is about taking that less showy route. Is that less therapeutic than disintegrating right there in front of my therapist? Is there something to be gained from doing that? T never said to me hey you have to speak the words out loud or you aren't doing it right. And at the moment when he asked me to talk to this person, I said, "I can't" and when he asked why, I said, "I can't feel that." T said I already was and that reassured me I was doing OK and indeed feeling what I was scared of and that was so strong. He didn't say you have to disintegrate right here in front of me or it doesn't count.

I don't know why I am thinking so much about this. I am curious if others disintegrate in therapy with their Ts or if they move through the super hard parts in a less showy way, like I did, with just tears or some other form of expression...

[Sannah]

I'm thinking that there might be some value in saying it out loud with a witness? I wonder what your T thinks? Maybe this was your first run through and you can do it again?

But your question was is there benefit to disintegrated in front of the t? Do you think that you got your feelings out without disintegrating?

[SoupDragon]

Sounds like you are doing some good work with your T.

I can't show any emotion with my T, but can really see the benefits of allowing those emotions to surface - IMO you are doing great.

[WikidPissah]

I think a mellow gentle tears is of much more value then a big "showy" bawl. Everyone is different, us gentler people express emotion in a gentler fashion.

It's important to accept the way YOU grieve. Good job sunrise.

Sunrise, yes I have moved through as you describe. T has asked as I sat with Tears steaming ifI can put words to what I am feeling and sometimes I couldn't. But just sitting there feeling the feelings in a safe enviroment was enough.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'm thinking that there might be some value in saying it out loud with a witness? I wonder what your T thinks? Maybe this was your first run through and you can do it again?

I don't think there will a be another run through of this (what we are doing is not a re-experiencing or exposure therapy), but I do want to ask my T what he thinks of my question and saying it out loud. During the trauma protocol we were doing, there was quite a bit that was internal, i.e. T didn't ask me to say everything out loud... "think of a time when... think of how you felt then..." So I wasn't asked to verbalize everything.

Originally Posted by Sannah

But your question was is there benefit to disintegrated in front of the t? Do you think that you got your feelings out without disintegrating?

I do think I expressed the words silently, talking to this person in my head. And I did cry. If I had tried to speak the words aloud, I would not have been able to say them as I totally would have disintegrated. I will ask my T about what you said about the value in having a witness to my words. Thanks, Sannah.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Sunrise, yes I have moved through as you describe. T has asked as I sat with Tears steaming ifI can put words to what I am feeling and sometimes I couldn't. But just sitting there feeling the feelings in a safe enviroment was enough.

Thank you. That's indeed how I felt.

[WikidPissah]

did I offend you somehow? I didn't mean to.

[kiki86]

i have a lot of difficulty breaking down in therapy. i will avoid saying something if i think it will make me burst into tears. it's a goal of mine to someday do it anyway though. i think it is helpful.

((((((Sunny)))))

I don't think there is a "right" way to move through this hard stuff...I think the way we need to move through it is as individual as we are.

I have had times in therapy when I've fallen apart, and times when I've been more contained, but still feeling big feelings. Times when I've spoken things out loud, and times when I couldn't say the words.

For me, if something needs to come back up, it does. If I've dealt with it "enough", it might float through, but with less intensity, and I don't necessarily even bring it up with T.

I will say this, though...now that I'm done with therapy, I realize how much value there was in speaking things out loud. I spent a lifetime keeping everything secret, and just to know that someone else KNOWS is the hugest relief. I'm glad I said the words that I did.

Can you pay attention to how you feel? If it feels like "enough", it is. If not, then you can still speak the words. T is still there.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by sunrise

My question is about taking that less showy route. Is that less therapeutic than disintegrating right there in front of my therapist? Is there something to be gained from doing that?

Sunrise, what interesting thoughts! My questions wouldn't stop where yours do though I am not sure you would have disintegrated like you felt you might? I don't think one can know what would/would not have happened on a road not taken? I think because you figured out a good outcome for yourself, that that was what was therapeutic; even if you had done as your T suggested, as you said, you could not feel that and so I don't know that that would have helped you like doing something you, yourself came up with.

Interesting, your choice of words, "disintegration" and "showy"? Your disintegration reminds me of when one is having a "good" cry and it seems like one's heart will be broken and then, eventually, it just ends and one feels better and doesn't know why? I think that is a disintegration/re-integration of sorts? If I used a word like "showy" I'd want to search and make sure I didn't have some unconscious connotations that were helping/prohibiting me from a "spontaneous" behavior? For that I think of people who do not "like" to cry so work hard not to. If you do not want to engage in "showy" behavior, you probably won't; it could actually be "showy" or it could be you make that word up to help you stay away from a behavior you believe will be detrimental to you (disintegration).

I think a lot of our behaviors and word patterns, etc. are our defenses in action. Defenses are good; the bad guys don't score if we are well defended :-) but learning to have flexible defenses, reeds that bend in the wind instead of tall, shallow-rooted trees that get knocked over is my goal. I think the more we understand ourselves and our own responses the more flexible we are and better able to "field" the ball when it is in our court.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

did I offend you somehow? I didn't mean to.

No, of course not! I had some weird problem with my router and just now got things resolved. When I am without Internet, it makes me realize how much I use it and really like having it. I appreciated your response, WP, and like what you said about gentler ways of expressing emotion.

[pachyderm]

Having experienced a decompensation, if you mean anything like that, it is not something you would want to do. It could be almost irreversible.

As for speaking things outloud, I have found that, not having anyone to speak to, what matters is if I can "speak" it to myself -- if I can formulate the ideas to myself. I cannot always do that, but if I can, it is almost as good as having someone who listens. I have found T's I know always interrupt my thoughts, so doing it by myself in some quiet time is the only way I have of getting at my thoughts.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by nightsky

Can you pay attention to how you feel? If it feels like "enough", it is. If not, then you can still speak the words. T is still there.

Thank you. I think I am feeling OK. You are right, T is there. T does know the content, so there are no secrets on this matter. And no shame. I think this work is a little easier than the trauma work we did a few years ago. We are doing secondary trauma now, on fairly recent happenings. It seemed easier(we have only done it once) than traumas from childhood that have been lodged in the brain, unmoving, for decades.

Originally Posted by nightsky

Times when I've spoken things out loud, and times when I couldn't say the words.

Thank you for understanding that I knew I couldn't say the words, at that moment.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Perna

I am not sure you would have disintegrated like you felt you might? I don't think one can know what would/would not have happened on a road not taken?

No, I would have. I've gotten good at knowing that stuff--being aware of the physical signs in myself, etc. I could not speak the words, at least at that moment, without losing it.

Originally Posted by Perna

Interesting, your choice of words, "disintegration" and "showy"? ... If I used a word like "showy" I'd want to search and make sure I didn't have some unconscious connotations that were helping/prohibiting me from a "spontaneous" behavior? For that I think of people who do not "like" to cry so work hard not to. If you do not want to engage in "showy" behavior, you probably won't; it could actually be "showy" or it could be you make that word up to help you stay away from a behavior you believe will be detrimental to you (disintegration).

This is so interesting and astute, Perna. Now that you have raised this, I have thought about my choice of the word "showy" and what that word means to me. One association I have is "peacock". I think a peacock is being showy when he opens his tail feathers to impress the onlooker-birds. This is a negative connotation for me because I don't like when someone deliberately tries to impress others or "show off." So I think my choice of that word serves to distance me from that behavior by making it seem kind of negative and undesirable to myself. So your commentary is right on! Just to clarify--I don't think other people who may break down in therapy are deliberately being showy. I use that word, I think, to make that behavior an undesirable choice for me and to reinforce the choice I made. There's a lot underneath our choice of words! Thanks for that insight, Perna. (One of my favorite therapy books is Making Contact: Uses of Language in Psychotherapy by Leston Havens.)

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

As for speaking things outloud, I have found that, not having anyone to speak to, what matters is if I can "speak" it to myself -- if I can formulate the ideas to myself. I cannot always do that, but if I can, it is almost as good as having someone who listens. I have found T's I know always interrupt my thoughts, so doing it by myself in some quiet time is the only way I have of getting at my thoughts.

That gives me hope I can learn to help myself with this kind of thing on my own. Thank you. T has mentioned that I should be able to learn from this what I need to do on my own to prevent events from becoming traumatic (the memories stored improperly in my brain).

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'm thinking that there might be some value in saying it out loud with a witness? I wonder what your T thinks?

I had my session today and I asked T about this. He said he follows the client's lead. He said that I (sunrise) know if saying the words silently to the boy (instead of out loud to the boy) is enough to heal. Since I said it was, he believes me. He said he never wants to be the narcissistic type of therapist who believes he knows better than the client. He said the client is the authority on what is healing for them. (To clarify, T did hear my words himself, but it was speaking them directly to the boy in T's presence that I was unable to do without disintegrating--kind of like an empty chair with no chair or a role play with no partner.) I told T that I just couldn't speak the words to the boy without dissolving in his office and he respected my wish to feel things at a level of containment that is right for me. He says he would never push. I asked him if he remembered this moment from the last session and he said yes, which made me feel good.

Since last session, I have once again come into contact with the boy, something that I did not think would happen. Things seem OK. I haven't felt triggered or re-traumatized, but I've been a little protective of myself, and also the situation is not as inherently traumatic as before. I am glad I got the chance to see the boy again instead of having only this extreme memory of him.

[learning1]

I wish my t had an attitude like yours Sunrise. Thanks for posting this.