Reaction to phone call about DBT group--help!

A week ago I was told there was no wait for the daytime DBT group, but I just found that there is at least a month's wait. That means I may not start until mid-October after all. They will hold my spot when I go away, which is good. Or possibly I can start in September.

This is an example of how I react to disappointment. I want to email my T and tell her right now! I don't want to wait until Tuesday to tell her. I don't want to wait a few months now that I decided to do DBT. What if something happens and I can't be in it?

I feel so sad right now. I was feeling pretty good and now I want my T so badly. I know this is why I need distress tolerance skills.

I know my T wouldn't mind if I emailed her about the DBT group but I want to be strong. It seems so silly because a few weeks ago DBT was the farthest thing from my mind. Now I feel devastated because I have to wait.

I don't like waiting because I am afraid whatever I'm waiting for won't happen. I'm being curious about that. The biggest example of that happening in my life is when I was pregnant and had miscarriages, several times. Or when I wanted to date but I'd go to dances and no boy ever asked me. Or more recently the trip I was supposed to go on this spring. If I don't do something now, it may never happen. That's why I don't like to think about vacations until the last minute. Something could go wrong and I'll be disappointed.

I know I will get over this. It's not the end of the world but it immobilizes me. I have to do some things now and I don't want to. When I feel like this I tell my T I'm sinking into the quicksand and it's SO hard to pull myself out.

Can anyone relate to disappointments like this and what to do about them? I worry how I can cope with major disappointments when I can't cope with small ones!!

(((Rainbow))) I find waiting difficult as well, and when it's tied in with bad news as it has been for you in the past it makes it harder still.

Have you been looking at any of the books about DBT in the leadup to joining the group?

Thanks for replying, tigergirl. I was starting to wonder if everyone on the forum got together and decided, for "rainbow's own good, not to post in this thread". Thank you for the hugs Adel, Lola, eastcoaster and Chopin.

I have copies of all the handouts from the online DBT class that I started about 8 years ago or so, and never finished. I suppose I should reread them.

It's really about missing my T. I felt connected to her when I emailed even though I knew she wouldn't reply. Now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, even though I have a lot of events going on in RL. A whole dimension of my life is being taken away and it seems like an effort to find anything as good. I know I sound pathetic and ungrateful for the life I have, which from the outside, looks great. I've got to accept how I feel and still move on. Easy to write, hard to do.

((((((((rainbow)))))))

That stinks that you have to wait once you'd made up your mind and were expecting to start the group.

What you wrote above reminded me of something I read in an article a while back. (here is a link to the article: http://internationalpsychoanalysis.n..._2011_July.pdf). The author talks about the fact that kids need to be able to experience failure and disappointment and struggle in order to be able to cope with the big disappointments and struggles that they're likely to experience as an adult. They're basically saying that if we sweep in and save our kids from all of their bad feelings, they'll never learn the skills they need as adults through coping with the child-size things that happen.

I know you said your mom was maybe overprotective. I wonder if some of what you are experiencing is the result of that? If you never learned to deal with small disappointments, it would be very hard to know how to deal with big ones!

About e-mailing your T...I really DO get that feeling of having to tell T something right NOW...sometimes I will write a letter to bring to session, or write an e-mail and not send it, and usually by the next morning, the urgency has passed.

Hang in there, ((((rainbow)))). You're working hard!

Hard to do, yes. Sorry...after I gave you the hug, I started a reply, then got into a long conversation with my H and never finished.

Seriously, I think you are me sometimes.

I was able to learn many of the DBT skills on my own. T1 gave me those handouts and helped me some. I never did a group.

We always want what we can't have. Even when what we already have is great. On T's recommendation, I started a gratitude journal. It works because it keeps telling me what I have to be grateful for. Maybe you should try it. When you feel this bad, anything is worth a shot!

Seriously, the gratitude journal is helping me more than I thought it would.

My mom, for all her emotional absence was overprotective. I have looked for "rescuers" ever since. It is very hard for me to cope with disappointment, but I'm learning. Great point, nightsky, great point. Thanks!!!

For me, it is hard when things are not in my control anymore; when I decide on something for my life and do what I need to to get it but then it is out of my control, I can't start learning or working or do any more until someone else's schedule is met. If I decided I did not want to start a class until October, that would be fine; I'd have no trouble waiting but someone else deciding I cannot start until October, that's not my schedule!

Getting your hopes up, and then having then dashed is very disappointing!

I have been going thru this with the residential program I am supposed to be doing. Back in April, when I was first referred, I was at my breaking point. Then I was put on a wait list. Then I started to feel better. Then they called for an interview. I was ambivalent but went. Then they put me off a few more weeks. Now I am supposed to start next week, but I won't know for sure if insurance is going to cover it until Monday. I HATE waiting. I HATE not knowing things ahead of time. I am a concrete and absolute thinker, and this is stressful for me.

So yea, I get it rainbow. I try to just take a deep breath and say it's out of my control. But that really doesn't make it easier for me.

The upside to this big disappointment is that they WILL hold a spot for you.
Note: Remember how you felt about doing DBT a little while ago? Take a look at where you are now. Originally you were hesitant about DBT and now you're in action and taking steps to get the ball rolling. I LOVE the motivation and commitment you have right now. Don't let the disappointment of not getting into the group right away make you lose that motivation and commitment.

You have momentum (though it might feel a bit waned at this point in time). Use that momentum and be proactive. As others have mentioned, there are DBT handouts and self-help guide type things all over the place. You also have the handouts that you previously used. Take advantage of this big chunk of time before the group begins: Whip those handouts out of hiding and start getting yourself familiar with the modules, acronyms, skills, etc. By the time you start the group you will be way ahead of the game.

Time really does fly. October will be here before you know it. And you've got your PC community to help support you until then

nightsky, that article was very interesting. Thanks! I can see some of my childhood and upbringing in it, but not totally. I'll have to write more another time; I've got to go now.

I don't know how your DBT group works.....but with ours, people are only allowed to start at the beginning of a section. It's divided into 6 sections

Mindfulness (3 weeks)
Emotional regulation (6-8 weeks)
Mindfulness (3 weeks) (same as the first one)
Distress tolerance (6-8 weeks)
Mindfulness (3 weeks)
Interpersonal Effectiveness (8-10 weeks)

One cannot just start in the middle of the session & they usually want you to start with the mindfulness section, so if for some reason the session didn't start when your T thought it started, you might have missed the start of the session which is the cause for your wait.......I do know how when you are all ready to start something emotionally & intellectually & it doesn't happen, there is a definite let down.

You will get there & it will be more than worth it.....DBT is the first & ONLY therapy that truly makes sense IMO......I love it & can see it works in every area of my life......took me awhile to get into it & understand it.....but our leader is WONDERFUL & holds our hands & teaches it like a class along with a group........it's the best experience I have ever had in therapy.