what is self esteem?

My T said the words self esteem about 8 times in session... it lots of different contexts some of which were examples of things we could discuss about a certain thing that he suggested may have impacted my self esteem...

I thought self esteem is what you think of yourself.. So using weight as an example if you think you are fat and you are medically normal or below normal weight...then I would say you have "low" self esteem. If you think you are fat and you are medically obese...then I would say your self esteem is normal... If you think you are thin or normal and you are medically obese you have a "high" self esteem...

I was surprised when I looked up the word "esteem" in dictionary and it said "value or worth"... so self esteem means self value or worth...

I have never thought of myself in terms of value or worth...

what does self esteem mean to you? how do you know if your self esteem is accurate? If you think you don't have much value or worth do you have to have low self esteem? Aren't there just people who don't have much value or worth?...realizing that could just be seeing yourself accurately...as others see you?

The therapist has said I have low self esteem, but
i think I have fine esteem. I have as much worth as anyone else. I think everyone is off but I am not more off than others. I think the problem for me is more how much I think everyone sucks.

No, there are not people who just don't have much worth - everyone should be the most important person in their life. Worth has nothing to do with the "reality" of how other people see you, it is how valuable you are to yourself. It has nothing at all to do with anyone else. You're the only one that will be with YOU throughout your whole life, that's why you're #1.

Now, I do have a problem thinking other people suck. T and I are working on that.

I'm not trying to be obstinent or difficult.. but I totally don't understand what you mean by "how valuable you are to yourself"?

In your original post you asked how to know if your self esteem was accurate. Accurate implies that you're comparing it to something. There's not anything to compare it to. If you think you're awesome, you have high self esteem. If you think you suck, you have low self esteem. There's no "reality" to compare it to. Comparing it to other people's opinions isn't gauging your self-esteem, it is comparing your feelings about yourself to other people's opinions. That's like comparing your plans for your dream vacation to someone else's post-vacation slideshow. Similar concepts but not comparable - their experience has nothing to do with the way you feel in your head.

It's more along the lines of - do you think you're a good person? Do you think your needs are important? Do you work hard at making sure your needs are met? Do you think you have value?

When I finished up my DBT group, the T had everyone give me some words of advice (written & verbal) and at least half of them said I'm capable of doing more than I think I can. And about 2 days earlier, my individual T had said pretty much the same thing. Suffice to say, I have rather low self-esteem. Actually the DBT group helped me figure out that my core belief about myself is that "I am a bad person." Sooo, I have a lot of work to do in that area.

I'm such a people pleaser and my view of myself is very maleable and vulnerable in that it's so dependent on outside forces (what others think/say/do) instead of being more solid and stable. If my view of myself was not so fragile, then I'd consider myself to have good self-esteem. But that is not the case...

This is a really good point. If someone comes along and posts "Pbutton, you're worthless" I'm going to automatically think "No, you're an idiot and this insane reaction you're having is about you, not me." (Go ahead, try me. ) If you post that I am awful at math or mean to animals, I will REALLY think you're a buffoon. I know what I'm good at.

That said, I do have areas of weakness & if you attack those areas, I may react by being hurt. This is because my belief in myself isn't as strong in those areas. Most stuff, I feel like I know myself better than anyone else would. I'm more vulnerable to outside influence in areas where I am not as confident in myself. It doesn't mean that I am actually any weaker at those things, just that I don't have the belief (esteem) in myself to back myself up.

I do not think it is like that. You are living your life for you; no one else can live it, you get to make all the decisions. Self esteem is how "qualified" you feel for that job

If you are making decisions about your life based on what other people are telling you about you and your life, that indicates a lack of self esteem. If you are letting other people tell you how to live your life, that indicates a lack of self esteem. Other people having more influence with yourself than you do (getting angry or upset when other people give you their opinion, taking it as "fact" instead of opinion or being defensive about yourself) can indicate a lack of self esteem.

Self esteem is an expression of an inner truth about how you feel about yourself. You cannot fake it or get it "wrong", it just is. If you do not know yourself or do not think well of yourself, that will show, others will see you lack self esteem (you'll bad-mouth yourself, show lack of respect for yourself).

sometimes I think the phrase self-esteem have been bantered about so much that it is essentially meaningless now.

In fact, I think that the phrase has been so inculcated into our vernacular that we have generations of persons who think that they entitled to just about anything they want.

The notion that we should walk around all the time thinking "I am the best thing ever" is a flawed notion.

At it's origin, though, I think self-esteem referred to the intrinisic birthright of a human being to have a sense of self, of boundaries, and of belonging.

Such that we can't be overhwelmed by the events around us, but are secure as a human being, having mass, occupying space, and with personal efficacy.

It perhaps originally spoke to the idea that we are all flawed, utterly imperfect, but okay as a general rule. Those things we do wrong we try to change, those things we do right, we do early and often.

I like this.

I think that for me, self-esteem implies a kind of self-acceptance. Recognizing that I have flaws and areas that need work AND that I have certain things that I'm good at, and accepting all of those truths about me.

When I have good self-esteem, I am able to be gentle with myself, forgive myself for mistakes, and work to do better. I can see the things I do well, and feel good about them.

When I have bad self-esteem, nothing I do is right, if I make a mistake, it feels like it speaks to my value as a human being, and I feel like everyone can just look at me and see how "bad" I am.

Therapy brought me a lot closer to good self-esteem. It's still hard, but I've tasted it, and there is a lot more peace for me there.

Self esteem is based on your thought patterns. Self respect is based on your actions.

I don't really care much about my low self esteem...I mean Charles Manson has great self-esteem, and look where it got him. I think I need to focus more on self respect. Affording myself the same respect that I give to others. Actions change thoughts, but thoughts don't necessarily change actions. If I walk every morning with my dogs then I respect myself, thus raising my esteem. I can try thinking that I am ok, but I won't believe it until I do it.

These responses have all been very thought provoking. Do I have value in and of myself? I've always thought of my value in relation to who I am and what I do for other people. For instance, most of the time I think I'm an okay mom and I"m an pretty good accountant...

PButton wrote:"It's more along the lines of - do you think you're a good person? Do you think your needs are important? Do you work hard at making sure your needs are met? Do you think you have value?"

These would be good to talk about it therapy. Sometimes I don't think I actually exist... I feel like a "stepford" wife lots of time...sometime i feel like I'm just a robot with no feeling or thoughts of my own.

My self esteem isnt based on other people or society, or even what i think of myself. My se is based on what God says about me, because He is the one that made me. He says i am valuable and priceless and precious to Him, that I am here for a purpose. There is a book called Search for Significance that i read that i really liked.

I like to use the term healthy self esteem. If I do something bad to someone I need to feel bad about myself. If I'm doing alright then I need to feel alright about myself. I'm thinking that most, if not all the people who feel bad about themselves, it isn't an accurate assessment. Kids grow up feeling bad about themselves because they have absorbed bad messages from the unhealthy people who have been around them.

Finding those messages and working through them to discover if they are true or not is the route to getting healthy self worth.

People who have healthy self worth don't think about it. They go about their day just doing what they need to do and the their value rarely crosses their minds.

There are people with too much self esteem. You know those people when you come across them.

Good stuff ^ to discuss in session, especially how you got this way.

Geez, I'm really picking up on your posts today. Again, maybe a different thread so as not to hijack? So really what you are saying is that everyone, including you sucks? This is low self esteem then. And I would also say that it is an inaccurate assessment of reality even though they are your valid feelings. I guess you are a glass is empty kind of person then?