One of Life's Biggest Transitions: My Story (LONG)

This might be a tad long because I want to give ya'll an accurate picture of my situation, but please bear with me It's a little bit of a vent, but a response or PM would really be appreciated, whether it's feedback or support.

I've been in therapy off and on since I was 11/12. My current T I've been seeing since I was 13, but I took a break for 1.5 years (all of junior year of high school, and half of senior year). I exhibit some symptoms of BPD and I also struggle with anxiety, depression, self-harm, and an eating disorder. Side note: I am horrible about transitions and change. I am also a perfectionist with incredibly high expectations for myself.

From a young age I never liked to leave the house for long periods of time. I particularly hate traveling and family vacations. Unless I'm the one driving the car, I get motion sickness. I am emetophobic (fear of vomit/vomiting). Motion sickness + emetophobia = PANIC! Staying overnight away from home is just as bad. I hate sleeping in a hotel or someone's house. All I can think about is how much I don't want to be there and how much I miss the comfort bubble that I call home.

This brings me to the MEAT of this thread: COLLEGE.

I graduated from high school in May of 2011. I was very unstable physically and mentally, but proceeded to go to college in August anyway (about 25 minutes away from my house). I was unable to cope with the change and moved home where I began commuting instead. Shortly before finishing out the first semester I was hospitalized (I have been hospitalized and in the emergency room before due to my mental health/eating disorder, so that wasn't new). I returned to school two weeks later, took my exams, and made it out alive with a 3.95 GPA (Surprised?! Me too).

I had been in individual therapy and group DBT every week, but my family and I decided it would be best if I went to a residential treatment program where they could hopefully get to the root of some of my issues, shed light on my childhood trauma, and help educate me on common core issues that lead people to behave/react and cope in certain ways.

I traveled (yes -you heard me- I TRAVELED ) all the way across the country for a little over a month where I had one of the best experiences of my entire life. It was the longest period of time I had ever been away from home.

I returned home, applied to a new college, got a part-time job, continued with my individual T, and graduated from group DBT. Go me!

Time flies and I am now a little over a week away from moving into my new school with a roommate I have never met in person. I don't know if ya'll have felt similarly, but there are times when I plan something, but it doesn't really occur to me that it will actually happen. This is one of those cases. As I stated in another thread, going to school is a huge financial investment, so I feel like I can't screw it up. This is triggering my fear of abandonment (though I know my parents aren't really "abandoning me." I just feel that way). The social aspect of having to put myself out there and make new friends is a scary thought. That is all in addition to my fear of travel and being away from home.

Sooooo, with all of that being said, my T and I have been working on school preparation since April. I have been working on my "plan" for how to be as successful as possible and push myself to my full potential, while managing my emotions in healthy ways. T has known about my plan for a while. Well, I was proud of myself for my plan until I felt as if it was totally shattered yesterday by my T

She kept on coming up with these "What If" scenarios: Allein, what if X happens? How are you going to react? What are you going to do about it? WHAT IF? WHAT IF? And so on..

She disagreed with many of the ideas I came up with. Confidence. Broken. I do know she was just trying to help and it was coming from a good place, but it still really freaked me out. Now I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting my plan. I'm doubting my ability to handle college...this major transition... this HUGE mountain I'm about to climb...in A LITTLE OVER A WEEK. I'm feeling a mixture of emotions ranging from anger to fear. There's a part of me that is a little excited and I'm trying to pull that part of me to the forefront in hopes that it will give me the boost I need to FACE MY FEARS AND CONQUER THIS BATTLE.

Thanks so much for listening

Support? Feedback? Can anyone relate?

hmm this is me EVERY time i plan something. lol

are you still going to be seeing your T when you move? if not it might be a good idea to get one in your new place. no one says you have to do this alone.

did your T say why your "what if" plans were not good? did you talk to her about different ones?

Nourish this part. The more focus I put on the part of me that WANTS to get out there and tackle my anxiety, the stronger it becomes. The stronger it becomes, the more other things start to fall in place. Listen to this piece of you that KNOWS you can do this. Believe in that part & you will do it. You might be scared, things may not go exactly as planned, you may have setbacks, but focus on the part of you that posted that you can CONQUER THIS BATTLE. Because you can.

I'll still be seeing my T when I go to school. Many of the healthy ways I cope with my feelings do not involve other people and she was worried that I would be pushing everyone away and walling myself off. Which, I do agree with her about that, but it doesn't hurt to give myself alone time if I'm feeling crummy, as long as what I'm doing is healthy. Plus, it will be hard to share myself with other people (especially ones that I don't know), if I'm not feeling 100%.

Alien

You have put a lot of preparation into this. I think this statement... "I'm feeling a mixture of emotions ranging from anger to fear. There's a part of me that is a little excited and I'm trying to pull that part of me to the forefront in hopes that it will give me the boost I need to FACE MY FEARS AND CONQUER THIS BATTLE." says alot. It is natural to have fears for anybody in your position, especially so for somebody with your background. But to still have that hope and excitement after the experience with T and the drive to face your fears and be successful indicates that you are off to a great start. You may have relapses. Thats to be expected. We all do. I had a major breakdown in college a few years ago. Was hospitalized twice while going, once two weeks before graduation. My final project was supposed to be a community assessment so I did it on the community of mental patients. My visual aid was a five page collage I had to put together with tape because they wouldnt let me have glue. and i graduated still with a 4.0 despite what a wreck i was throughout. Its just a matter of picking yourself up each time you fall down and accessing the necessary supports at school. colleges usually have free mh services for students and support groups. pay attention to yourself and take care of your needs. dont become overly stressed. make sure to use your dbt skills and get help as soon as you notice the threads coming undone. access the disability services at school even if you never use them. my t put on there about me being able to leave class if i was triggered my a topic, extra time to complete assignments. i never thought i would use them, but then i had three midterms due on a thurs and the anxiety was unbearable. i too am a perfectionist. i knew i could get them done and still get an A, that wasnt the problem, i didnt feel the quality would be as good as i wanted them to be and that was causing me distress. so i used the disability card to get me extra time for one of the papers. gotta do what you can to reduce your stress.

anyway, if you ever need to talk, feel free to pm me... kali

I can relate. I deal with dysthymia and anxiety and recovered from ednos. A couple years ago, I fell into a deep depression, nearly relapsed with the eating disorder, was basically a total mess, and somehow managed a 4.0 gpa in my first semester of grad school.

I'm currently in a better place, though still struggling, and was excited and nervous about switching to a new grad program across the country. I thought I was ready and felt hurt with my T said she was really worried about me being able to handle it. Over time though, I understood that she just wants me to be prepared for the reality that it will be hard and I will feel lonely and struggle. For me to really acknowledge and embrace that instead of just expecting that I'll handle it and breaking down when I (inevitably) struggle. I've also been pushed to rely on and confide in other people more instead of shouldering the burden all by myself. I know for me, the more I put on a facade for others, the harder I break down behind closed doors, so maybe there is something to having others there as support.

It might be hard to hear what your T is saying, but I'd encourage you to see how she just wants you (presumably) to be as prepared as possible. I wish you the best in your transition and I'm right there with ya!

What you're saying makes a lot of sense.

I have an issue with letting people in and reaching out for help at times when I'm struggling because 1. I feel like a failure 2. I feel like I've let myself down and others down 3. I have trust issues.
But it does get tiring trying to keep it all together.

I guess the experience with my T yesterday also made me realize that I need to tweak my plan a bit and that's okay because things change. It's not set in stone. Things can be added, taken away, or adjusted. And even the things that are hard to hear (Things T said, for example), are good eye openers, so if by some chance that "What If" scenario does take place or something similar occurs, I won't be in shock and I'll be prepared to tackle it.