Does anyone have that one thing...

I'm wondering, does anyone else have that one thing, that they can't let go of in the therapy room? One secret that constantly holds them back? I'm really open with my T and have pretty much shared everything except for this one thing...I know that if I could talk about it, I would probably find healing, but I just don't know how. I would rather talk about CSA then talk about the thing I have left.

I mentioned this in the last email I sent him, telling him that I had one thing I hadn't told him and a little bit about the shame I feel. Having mentioned it, tells me that I want to find healing from this, but I just don't know how. It's not something I would write about in an email either. I wrote about CSA in emails, but email doesn't seem right for this. I don't know....

Has anyone been able to move past this? And of so how did you do it?

Yeah, I relate. I had the 'one thing' I hadn't talked about in therapy, it took about 9 months before T asked a question in that area, and I found that I couldn't lie to her about it, but addressing it seemed impossible too. I actually did end up emailing her, confessing that I'd brushed something aside in session. She encouraged me to try and open up and write it down in an email if I felt I couldn't say it - so that's what I ended up doing. It was actually a relief to tell someone and not have her judge me for it... and it did turn out to be important that I told her, I think. Once I wasn't holding something back, I was able to feel much more at ease, because I didn't have to concern myself with hiding anything or keeping her out anymore. I never thought I'd tell anyone, but I'm glad I told T - even though I could have died of shame at the time.

It sounds like you're starting to move through it just by mentioning to him. I moved through my hardest things in therapy just like that, with a hint that there even WAS something I couldn't talk about. For me, that was usually the first hint to *myself* that I was getting ready to talk about it. Sometimes it took a LONG time (my hardest thing took over a year from that first hint to actually telling), but I've always found a way to tell eventually.

Speaking those things out loud (or writing them down) is a huge step towards being free of the fear and shame. Usually, by the time I told, the not-telling was harder than the telling (not that the telling was easy, at all). I honestly don't regret anything I've told T, even though I was scared to death and SURE I would regret things a bunch of times.

Let yourself go as slowly as you need to. It sounds like you're taking the first steps...be gentle with yourself and trust that you'll know when it's time.

Yes. I gritted my teeth and did it. T says I bullied myself and I should be more gentle.

I can so relate to this! I bully and push myself too hard all the time. I should probably be more gentle too.

Just_some_girl, I feel like I will die from the shame sometimes and nightsky I think you are right, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it if I wasn't starting to move through it. I don't know, it's such a strange thing, because I have actually told two other people about this, but they were in a position to judge me for it. Those people didn't love me. It's a moral spiritual issue and I think I am so afraid of telling T because he really does love me and I am afraid of losing that.

I recently wrote him about how conflicting it is to receive real love. On the one hand I feel it is always with me and will never go away and on the other I am so terrified of losing it, that it's like life and breath.

I think what if it's not reconcilable for him? What if it I find out that I am really a terrible person and I can't be healed of it?

I totally relate. I have talked very openly about my abuse with my therapist, but there was that one thing that I wasn't brave enough to tell her. Then, one day this past spring I felt like I needed to tell her or it was going to destroy me, because I was feeling suicidal all the time and my depression and anxiety were just getting worse because of it. So, I wrote it out and read it to her. It was a horrific thing that had happened to me, and I kept it a secret for 25 years, not telling a soul. But, when I read it to her she was so compassionate and loving about it that it made me feel instantly understood. Getting through that one last thing has helped to move forward by leaps and bounds. It's so amazing how the healing journey works. Just when you think you can't do it and you take whatever inkling of courage you have and share the difficult stuff, you'll see that you will not feel so alone with it anymore. It's scary, but it really is worth it.

I'm really humbled by your bravery in that and I can imagine the burden that was lifted from you in finally telling it. I am so happy you are free from it. I guess these are my first baby steps to getting to the place you have found.

I cannot think of a factual thing I would be unwilling to relate if pertinent.

Good for you stopdog! Maybe I am growing to the "stuff" you are made of. Takes courage...

Thanks but I doubt it is anything special on my part, probably stems more from a lack of anything really significant or horrible in my past that would be there to relate.

Oh...ok...I'm Fealing a little jealous of you then.....

I don't think it is any better to be all ****ed up for no good reason. At least with a horrible past there is a reason for it. It does not help with having had to live through such a thing of course, but it is not really better that I can see to be simply an idiot about life.

Sorry stopdog...my own inferiority issues coming up, I always feel like I am the most messed up person around. I'm sure you're not an "idiot about life"

I think what matters is not the "cause" of each individual's issues, but rather what we can do to heal them.

I understand.
Could you perhaps write it out to yourself a few times, like practice tellings and then take in a version to the appointment. That way you could possibly get more comfortable with ways to tell the therapist and have the written part there if you needed it during thr actual telling.

For what it is worth, while factual accounts not bother me, trying to have an emotional response to the facts I am teling is nigh impossible for me.

Noooo...I can't write it and I'm a writer...I write everything, but I can't write this. The lack of emotions are what's really causing the shame in this. I feel a ton of shame because of what I don't feel about it...I'm not sure if that makes sense. I think I'm supposed to feel more about this, but I don't, so I think it's because I am inherently bad . Ugh...it sucks. I hate it. Wish I could bury and forget it!

I have a few things I can't seem to really talk about. I've sort repackaged one of those things and talked about it from a different angle, but not really disclosed it exactly as I fantasize it. I'm afraid T or maybe I will immediately label it if that makes sense. And this is after 9yrs in therapy

Did I write this post and forget about it??

Anyway, yes, I do have "this thing" (so I'm not completely identical to stopdog in every respect). With my first T, ten years ago or so, I suspected after 6-7 months that she would start asking about that part of my life, and so I stopped going to see her. Not a very good termination. With second T, I stayed away from that part of my life completely and she never asked about it at all. I did not want to confide in her to that degree - and it was partly that realisation that made me decide to stop going to therapy with her. I did not terminate abruptly or badly this time, though. And then I went to current T, and he knew that I had not been honest about everything with exT (long story) so he asked me straight out in our first "real" therapy session whether I thought I would be able to talk to him about whatever it was. So I told him.
It's still "that thing" which I won't bring up unprompted (I think), but at least it is not unmentionable any longer.

I found an online article about one of my "one things" and after much agonizing about it, sent the link to my T. So I wasn't actually disclosing my thing by email, but I was getting the subject out there so he knew it was an issue. As some else said on here, you just need those 60 seconds of courage to get it out there.

I have many "one things". I am not so convinced that T needs to know everything about me. I think some privacy is ok, it keeps me autonomous.

Oh, just an addition, I was and am so ashamed of that particular one of my 'one things' that I even cleared my browsing history after searching on that subject. So sending that link to my t was excruciating. I even clarified in the email that I did not wish to talk about it any time soon.

Good luck with this. Living with shame is awful. I hate it and wish it for stop for all of us.

As much as I almost always over share, he doesn't know everything, but I think it's important for me personally get rid of all the big shame causing things. I think if I hang on to those things, well this last thing, I won't be able to grow into the person that I truly want to be. I think the person I think I really am, that I see starting to emerge as a result of the healing process, is hindered by that thing and I don't want to block her/me. I say her because I don't fully know my real self yet.


...where do I go in PC to say how much I love you all?...

Kudos and Affirmations

Or the couch thread. I like that one.

Here is good.

I don't think I've kept secrets. But I do dole out information when I think it's time to share it. I'm an open book, but I'm not going to turn the pages for you. You have to ask the right questions.

Early on in our work, my therapist kept asking why I thought I was a monster. I would cite incidents that were kinda-sorta illustrative, but not especially shameful for me. So they were relatively easy to talk about. But they were also easy for her to dismiss.

One day, I was tired of my concerns being belittled (that's how it felt to me) and I dropped the biggest "monster" episode. I hadn't actively withheld it from her, but up to that point I just didn't feel comfortable spilling everything about myself. I am glad I did tell because doing so convinced her that I had justification for my feelings--that I just wasn't beating myself up for nothing. It also helped her to better pinpoint my diagnosis, I think. I don't know if it changed her opinion about me, but it was kind of a memorable experience (in a good way) in our relationship.

One thing that may help is knowing that whatever tale you're sitting on, your therapist has probably heard much worse.