[KazzaX]

Went to therapy today. The pressure is on and I need to make a decision on whether or not to relinquish my control over my emotions. Apparently this is the bit that makes T successful... it will only be successful if I relinquish the control I have over my emotions. I need to make a decision within the next week.

Trouble is, my control over my emotions = my self esteem. My whole self concept is based on it. My history is based on it. My whole being is based on it. My LIFE is based on it. Everything is based on it. So if I get rid of it, I die (figuratively). I have to kill myself for therapy to be successful.

Needless to say, its a tough decision. You see, if I do get rid of this control (which I have taken 30 years to perfect), and I die, and T is successful then that is all well and good. But if it is not successful, I am basically ruined. The whole rest of my life will be absolutely ruined. Therapy only has a certain % success rate, and it is very small. So basically the odds are that I will kill myself for nothing. That is why I am having a hard time deciding here. If therapy had a 100% success rate then this would be an easy decision, but it doesn't.

If I do not relinquish control then nothing changes. My life is unmanageable atm. So I just just do it, right? But the problem is, if T is not successful (which statistically it probably won't) then the alternative is so much worse and I will be kicking myself for being such a sucker in the first place. But then there is that small percentage that it could work and that would be the end of my depression that I've had all my life. Logically, I would be an idiot to throw away my whole life for a small percentage. But that small percentage (if I were to fall within it) would be very good.

ARgggggh! I can't decide!

[critterlady]

I don't think that allowing yourself to feel emotions equates to relinquishing control. In a way, blocking them puts the control with the emotions.

I know I tend to see things as all or nothing. I either trust completrly or not at all. I do things to excess or not at all. So for emotions, it feels like i would do the same thing - either block my emotions or lose control of them entirely. The thing is, it's not (or doesn't have to be) black and white or all or nothing.

There are healthy ways to feel and express emotions. T can help you find that middle ground.

[Perna]

Emotions are the expression of your feelings. One cannot control their feelings anymore than they can control their thoughts; a feeling "happens" or a thought "pops" into our head. What we do with it, how we express it, is what we can usually control. However, control by not expressing our feelings is not just "strength" but a cage we are trapped in. Without expression, the feelings logjam and you know what happens eventually with a logjam, http://www.mainememory.net/artifact/23079/.

Like the logs in the logjam, the feelings we have are good, helpful, useful to us! One wants to work with them, organize them into nice rafts and get them down the river of expression, apply them to our personal goals http://www.linngroveiowa.org/LogJam.jpg.

Nothing happens suddenly, with relinquishing control (a habit) or logjams. One has to work log-by-log to straighten things out and get an orderly flow. Pick a single, "easy" experience or instance and tell T how it makes you feel, as you are feeling it. Maybe even start with this frustration and the worry and pain you are feeling over changing your control habit?

Only this week I was faced with a situation where I Was faced with remaining upset at something that wasn't going my way or to forget "me" for a moment & steP into someone else's exPereince. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. All my old ways of being we're screaming like the death song of a wounded goblin. I had to go against this tide and open myself up to all the pain that comes from dropping my pride and accepting someone else's entitlement to their exPereince.

All the work with T was there in my head as this was going on. I did it, I step out of my immediate exPereince, stepped into this persons exPereince, and there we actually met, I mean really met. I gained so much by doing this. I thought I'd loose a part of myself. I didn't.

[unaluna]

otherwise your chances of success are zero? that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. lead a horse to water, now to drink or not to drink, that is the question. can't you just dip your hoof in? ie, it may FEEL like your house of cards is collapsing, but it's like opening the door on a hoarders show - there is still a whole lot of work to do. Hey, even opening the door isn't that easy. ie don't worry, everything will still be in place, unfortunately!

[2or3things]

My first three years in T, progress was at a glacial pace (well, pre-global-warming glacial pace). I got almost nowhere, and it was all because I was terrified of my emotions and feeling things and letting go of the carefully-controlled image of who I was. I felt like every aspect of my life had certain "rules" or "right" ways to function, and like I was constantly on guard against anything that didn't fit in with my tightly-controlled environment. So I think I really do get you. The problem was, who I was acting like wasn't really me, exactly, but more who I thought I "should" be. And the longer that went one, the less I felt like I even had a recognizable self or knew what I wanted. It was actually pretty bleak.

T tried to convince me, off and on, that the best solution was to look into medication. Because I absolutely found it impossible (and undesirable) to feel anything or give up control, I was always on guard against feelings, and that meant we couldn't make much progress. For those same reasons, I refused to consider meds for a long time.

I recently decided to give in and give meds a try. And it's working! I just came back from the most enjoyable vacation I've had in a decade. It wasn't even an especially great vacation, but it was fantastic because for the first time I was able to let go and stop getting worked up when things didn't go exactly as planned or when something didn't fit in with my idea of who I was or how things should be.

It's funny, because I thought the idea was that meds would make emotions tolerable. And I guess I must have thought that meant they'd disappear on their own without me having to try so hard. But really, I've been feeling more than before. But it's not bad at all. Before now I just warded off emotions with anxiety. Now, for the first time in a long time, I'm starting to be able to identify actual emotions beyond "anxious." And it's not awful...it actually even feels good sometimes.

Sorry for this long ramble. And I'm not saying that meds are the solution for everyone. But I am saying that I hope you'll find whatever way you can to let yourself feel your emotions. Even feeling bad (which isn't nearly as bad as I'd made it out to be when I was refusing to feel) feels better than feeling nothing at all.

Good luck, KazzaX. It's difficult. But I, at least, am finding it to be SO worth it!

[stopdog]

I understand the part about if the therapist is wrong, it will be much much worse and that one would have to add to it that one did it to ones own self and that one was a sucker.

It is like BB guns are fun and x has never been hurt by it so far - Everyone has fun until someone loses an eye.

I think Control is a feeling of safety for some, me included. Control over your emotions has worked for you so far, thus made you appear to be who you are ....this may be the self esteem part, although I'm thinking you meant self image, You said your life is unmanageable right now right? Well maybe that defense isn't working as well for you now as it used to ... at least that is where I am. No one is ever a sucker for trying to better themselves. If you trust your T and you trust the process and you know things can get better....maybe you should relinquish a little control at a time, like Hankster said...dip a hoof. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, its probably better if it were slow so as nothing spins out of control. I've used the analogy "controlled burn" before. My T is the Fire Marshall and the burn is releasing and allowing myself to feel those emotions. But it has to be controlled and as parts are burned away, new growth will appear. Just a thought, I feel like we are at the same point in this journey. Sucker or not, I know that I cant continue like I am much longer... its tiring, so we are going to set a little grass on fire and see what happens. My T will help put it out if the flames get to hi, I bet yours would too. Wishing you well.

Previous posters have made excellent points, and I agree completely. But I feel you're looking at this too much from a black and white perspective. Besides, it's been my experience that you will not be able to let go of the control all at once. Even if you want to, even if you try, it just ain't gonna happen. All those defenses you have in place are not going to collapse all at once. It's a gradual process, log by log as someone said. A controlled burn, like someone else said.

And also .... you're not giving up control of your emotions but gaining more control. Right now the only way you can stay in control is to block all of them, all or nothing. You feel like if you lose control the emotions will engulf you and sweep you away, and you will be helpless. Not so! You can learn to MANAGE your emotions.

Example - allowing yourself to cry doesn't mean from this point on you'll cry at the drop of a hat. You can allow yourself to cry - or not - depending on the situation. If you feel tears coming on in the middle of a business meeting, you'll be able to recognize it and hold off until later when it's safe to cry. But if it's a personal situation where tears would be good, you can let them flow. In other words, YOU'LL HAVE MORE CONTROL THAN YOU DO NOW.

It'll take some work to get through this, but please don't feel that you have to die to do this. Some parts of you will have to be deconstructed and rebuilt, but you'll still be you. Just better. And happier.

[unaluna]

some excellent thoughts here, folks. or rather, FEEEEELINGS about what T is like. unique and inspiring question, kazzax, thanks. my final thought - it's like a bad haircut - it grows back.

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

Previous posters have made excellent points, and I agree completely. But I feel you're looking at this too much from a black and white perspective. Besides, it's been my experience that you will not be able to let go of the control all at once. Even if you want to, even if you try, it just ain't gonna happen. All those defenses you have in place are not going to collapse all at once. It's a gradual process, log by log as someone said. A controlled burn, like someone else said.

And also .... you're not giving up control of your emotions but gaining more control. Right now the only way you can stay in control is to block all of them, all or nothing. You feel like if you lose control the emotions will engulf you and sweep you away, and you will be helpless. Not so! You can learn to MANAGE your emotions.

Example - allowing yourself to cry doesn't mean from this point on you'll cry at the drop of a hat. You can allow yourself to cry - or not - depending on the situation. If you feel tears coming on in the middle of a business meeting, you'll be able to recognize it and hold off until later when it's safe to cry. But if it's a personal situation where tears would be good, you can let them flow. In other words, YOU'LL HAVE MORE CONTROL THAN YOU DO NOW.

It'll take some work to get through this, but please don't feel that you have to die to do this. Some parts of you will have to be deconstructed and rebuilt, but you'll still be you. Just better. And happier.

I'm feeling the need to say more here. I should not have used the word "you" - this is about me and my situation, and I should have said it that way. I believe it's similar for others, but I'm not sure. So apologies if this came across as too strong.

Second thing is that I've found out through therapy that a lot of our defenses are unconscious, which is why it's so hard to change. Over the last year, I've made many decisions to "let T in", which have been great for a week or so, and then my unconscious gets scared and throws the walls right back up. And I can't help it. Even when I recognize it, I'm almost powerless to stop it.

So that's why I say that you probably shouldn't worry about losing all your defenses completely. I'm having to work like a dog to convince my unconscious to go along with my desire to change and open up. It's getting there, but my unconscious is in the business of protecting me and it's like it's asking me, "What, are you crazy???? Are you SURE you want to do this? Opening up is dangerous!! Are you out of your mind???" (Yeah, probably ...)

I hope this is better than the original post.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

Previous posters have made excellent points, and I agree completely. But I feel you're looking at this too much from a black and white perspective. Besides, it's been my experience that you will not be able to let go of the control all at once. Even if you want to, even if you try, it just ain't gonna happen. All those defenses you have in place are not going to collapse all at once. It's a gradual process, log by log as someone said. A controlled burn, like someone else said.

And also .... you're not giving up control of your emotions but gaining more control. Right now the only way you can stay in control is to block all of them, all or nothing. You feel like if you lose control the emotions will engulf you and sweep you away, and you will be helpless. Not so! You can learn to MANAGE your emotions.

Example - allowing yourself to cry doesn't mean from this point on you'll cry at the drop of a hat. You can allow yourself to cry - or not - depending on the situation. If you feel tears coming on in the middle of a business meeting, you'll be able to recognize it and hold off until later when it's safe to cry. But if it's a personal situation where tears would be good, you can let them flow. In other words, YOU'LL HAVE MORE CONTROL THAN YOU DO NOW.

It'll take some work to get through this, but please don't feel that you have to die to do this. Some parts of you will have to be deconstructed and rebuilt, but you'll still be you. Just better. And happier.

I agree with so much that is said here. I'm trying to not block my emotions, and it's hard. I've been blocking and pushing away my feelings for so long. It's a defense mechanism that I'm quite good at, and one I'm learning is difficult to stop. For me, I agree that it's about gaining more control. The emotions have always been there and I've probably held onto more by not letting myself feel them.

[KazzaX]

Thanks for all the responses guys. I will take all of them onboard. I might ask T to "dip in a hoof" - that would be much better. I feel a bit like someone who has one job and wants a different job, and i feel like I have to (for T) get rid of my old job before I have even found a new job. So i am thinking to myself "what if I run out of money in the mean time??" and T is like "have faith, a job will fall in your lap if you have faith!". Silly simile but you get the general idea!