Very low mood

Trigger for mentions of sui....






I know I should call my T, but I really, really don't want to. I keep telling myself, "if I still feel like this tomorrow, then I'll call T," and then the next day, I say the same thing. Maybe I'll just keep putting it off until my next appointment in 10 days.

I've just been feeling so very low, and thinking about sui again. It's a scary place to be. I don't think I actually want to do anything, but at the same time I can't shake the thoughts. Of course, just last week, I was able to tell my T that I was most definitely NOT suicidal, and hadn't been for a good long while...and yet, here I am, just a few days later, and it's constantly on my mind.

A friend of mine killed herself a few weeks ago...and my mother asked me about it over the weekend. It was very triggering for me. She didn't ask me how I was...she asked me how my friend's Mom was doing. It hurt, and it was upsetting, and it made me feel so worthless. And now, memories of my brother's death, and my friend's, and my attempts, are all looping in my head, and it just hurts so much. I just want everything to stop. But, I won't do anything...I won't. I have things to live for. I have long term plans that I don't want to give up. I guess I just need to hold on to that for now.

I am very glad to hear that you won't do anything. But I also know that's only part of the battle... even when I KNOW I won't do anything, it doesn't take away the thoughts, the sadness, the pain.

Definitely hold onto your reasons to keep going. And remember all the times you felt bad before, and *that you came out of them*. They DID end at some point.

It would be nice, though, if you could feel better more presently. Don't put off calling your T. You have a lot going on in your head, and the sooner you can get a little relief by telling T about it, the better. This isn't just about whether you "do" or you "don't", if you know what I am trying to say... it's about how awful the experience of having these feelings is. It's a big deal, and you deserve to feel better as soon as possible -- not later.

Do you know why you keep putting it off? Is it about not wanting to deal with it, or not feeling like it's important enough, or feeling weird about having just said you're not suicidal? Or something else, just depression keeping you from reaching out?

((BlessedRhiannon))

Feel free to PM me.

(((hugs))) I am sorry you are feeling so low right now. It is a scary place to be, I have been there many times and the three times I reached out to call T she was great, really talked me around to feeling a lot better. This is IMPORTANT enough to call, you have lots going on right now....just the fact that your friend killed herself a few weeks ago is enough to make you feel so low.
T won't mind, its what they do best and besides that their ego's love it when people need them, they like helping so really Blessed be kind to yourself and make that call

I think part of it is that I just said I wasn't feeling this way, and I don't want to admit that now I am. I don't want to admit that my mood dropped so fast! I also don't feel like it's important enough, or that I deserve the support. I don't want to bother T.

I know a lot of that is my own issues, and that T would probably prefer I call her. It's after 5 pm here now, though, and I don't want to bother T on her own time. So...unless things get worse, I'll probably put it off one more day.

I think I'm going to work on a project for a while to distract myself.

That made me smile - thanks.

Ick, I hate it when my mood spins out like that. From your own experience do you think that it will turn around again? If you think it's just going to worsen then maybe you can call your T, a few words now may lessen the pain. Why wait for it to become more than you can handle? I think t's understand that our moods can spin on a dime.

that just seems to me like your mom was trying to pull a major guilt trip on you, and she succeeded. maybe she didn't intend to? but wth did she think the answer was going to be??? that was just effing uncalled for on her part. she should call her herself and offer support, if she really wants to know, or cares. omg.

Sometimes, my mood turns around fairly quickly. Sometimes it doesn't. I'm not sure what's going to happen this time, yet. It's been 3 days of this really low mood. I think...maybe...I'll give T a call in the morning, and ask her to call me back.

I think it was more that she just didn't even consider how her words might affect me. That's usually what happens. She doesn't know my friend's mom, so couldn't call her. I think it was more of a "kinship" thing that prompted her to ask me...my brother killed himself 11 years ago, so my Mom "knows how my friend's mom feels."

Thank you for being indignant for me, though! I never know when I should be mad about the things my mom says/does. I usually just take the hurt and move on.

I'm very, very good at seeming "fine" so I suppose that everyone thinks I'm handling my friend's death just "fine." I am handling it, and processing it with T, but I'm no where near the point where being asked about it doesn't hurt.

Totally think you should, I think that you have ample reason to feel depressed and it would not be difficult to accept that although you were not feeling suicidal then it has been on your mind as you come to terms that you have moved beyond those feelings. So when you were faced with the sudden tradgedy and not having the emotional support you needed that your mind has returned to the thought of suicide.
Distraction is one way of seeing yourself through is there a friend or family member you can go and stay with for the night?

Thinking about you and wondering how you are feeling today?

Thank you. Still feeling very low. I have to be in the office today, so I'm going to try and call T at lunch time. I know Weds. are her busy day, but she usually takes an hour for lunch around noon. I can go out to my car and call her.

I'm safe, and I'm not going to act on these feelings, but having them really, really sucks. I tried reaching out to some friends last night, but then I put on my "I'm fine" face, because I didn't want them overreacting or worrying about me. So, that wasn't as effective as it could have been. It helped a little to just get outside of my own thoughts, but it would have helped more if I'd been able to be honest with my friends. That's the worst part of feeling this way, for me. I've always kept it hidden, and now, I don't know how to show these feelings to others and ask for support.

I'm sorry your feeling so low, I hate feelings of SI.. But I also find them strangely comforting. I too would never act on them now but according to T they are go to thoughts that make me feel more in control when things are out of control. Call your T, you deserve it.

So, I called my T, but ended up getting her voice mail. I was hoping to get her. It was soooo hard to leave a message asking for help. Now, the anticipation of waiting for her to call back begins. Like I said, I know Weds are busy days for her, so I may not get a call back until after 5, which I'd be okay with. I'm in the office, and hate having to step away to take a personal call.

Way to go BlessedRhiannon, its out there now and its ok to ask for help. I hope T calls you soon.

Great job reaching out for help.

I hope you are okay?? I am sure T will call when she gets a moment, well done for looking after yourself, you deserve it

T called me back, but she only had about 10 minutes to talk. We talked, but it really didn't help much. She asked me to send her an update on my mood later in the day. I texted her that there was no change, so she called me again and we talked for about 20 minutes. I felt a little better then. I'm supposed to give her an update today...however I choose - email, text, or phone call. I think the contact method will depend on how I'm feeling. If I need more support, I'll call. If I just need to write, I'll email. If I just want to send her a short update, I'll text.

Mostly, I still feel low and I really want to hide from the world right now. T gave me some suggestions for dealing with these feelings, and I'm trying to use them, but finding it difficult.

When my T gives me suggestions, and then I lack the energy or initiative or whatever to actually implement those suggestions, I then end up beating myself up for my 'failure' or laziness or whatever in not following through. Please do not do that to yourself.

My T and I discussed this last session, and I was finally able to make the connection to how I treat abused animals that I rehab. With abused animals (particularly horses), I teach them a cue to calm down. With a dog, it's 'settle' and I get them on a down or some activity that settles them down. With a horse, it's 'put your head down' because horses have a physiological response to putting their heads down: their heart rate and breathing rate slow and they automatically feel calmer. Anyway, we practice those cues A LOT in calm situations until the response is automatic. Then we add small amounts of excitement/stress until the animal is still able to just respond automatically to the cue and calm down even under large amounts of stress. It takes a lot of work and a lot of practice, and I NEVER give myself the grace or the latitude to make mistakes or forget that I give these animals. I need to start doing that, and so do you. Also, my T pointed out that the animal has me right there cuing for the need to calm down. You and rest of us, we all have to learn to cue ourselves of the need to calm down, feel better, treat ourselves better, so it's even that much harder.

Anyway. A really long way of saying, I hope that you are kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack as you try to work your way out of this low mood.

Thanks MKAC - I'm a dog trainer, and I tend to relate a lot of stuff from therapy to dog training. When I'm working on a new behavior with one of my dogs, I don't expect them to get it right away. I take my time, I have patience, I shape the behavior slowly...and I expect to have to work with the dog. However, I really struggle with having that same patience with myself. It's hard. My T constantly reminds me that I know how to have patience...I do it all the time when I'm training dogs...I just need to apply it to myself. I swear, one of these days, I'm gonna figure out how to clicker train myself, and it'll make things so much easier!

Just a bit of texting humor between me and T...
I sent her a text saying that I'm doing a bit better, that I'd sent her an email, and that I'm done bugging her now. However, my phone decided to replace "done" with "fine". So my text said "fine bugging you now." I realized the error and quickly texted "oops - *done* bugging you now."

My T replied back "Good Freudian slip. Maybe you could be fine "bugging" me"

I always apologize for bugging her and she always insists I'm not.

I like your T.

Rhi, glad to know you got to talk to t, i hope you start to feel better soon. thinking of you and sending safe hugs