[lostmyway21]

Sorry I haven't posted in a while just needed to get this out.

So I had a session today. Started off pretty slow, nice walk. We talked about me applying for my recent EMT job and how that went. Then it went quiet. Sorry the next part is in pieces. I was dissociating. I asked if he was frustrated with me and he said yes. He said that I always turn upset and down and depressed no matter how positive things are going in my life. He said that I can leave session feeling good and within hours I'm feeling down. He said I'm too intense with my feelings and he doesn't know how to fix this. He wants to help but he doesn't know how to make me feel better. He says no matter how much he tells me the positives it doesn't stick.

After that he stopped in bagel store and when he was waiting for his bagel he took one look at me and said something like I've just lost you.

Then he brought me back to the office and he said he wasn't talking until I talked first because he talked all session. I said I can't tell you what I'm thinking but I can tell you what I'm feeling. He was like okay what are you feeling? I said I feel like I'm going to fall apart. And right then I did. I lost it.

He was like, lost why are you falling apart? I told him because I felt like I was never going to get past the things that happened to me in the past. He told me it was irrational, because I already made huge steps forward, and I only use that to self destruct.

He chose one event and explained why I am a good person. And why the event doesn't define who I am.

From there he didn't want me leaving a wreck so he summed it up that all the positives are going on. He told me that he will be there through all the next events in my life. He told me to keep my chin up.

I hate that he's frustrated with me. I hate that he doesn't know how to make me better. I hate that I can't keep to the positives. I wish I wasn't such a disappointment.

[Emptty]

Oh lost... I'm so sorry things are tough for you right now.

In time I'm sure both you and your T will find a way to help you get better, just recognizing your flaws(inability to keep to positives, being too hard on yourself) is a step, a small step but a step none the less. I wish you luck on your current journey to understand and better yourself. And you have my support,(and everyone elses I'm sure)

What your T said reported here is wrong on so many levels.

Lost, have you thought more about going with a residential program for a while? It does sound like your T is getting overwhelmed and frustrated.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

What your T said reported here is wrong on so many levels.

Huh? Why?

Therapist don't fix you. Are not there to just make you feel happy. Not there to judge your mood. If your feeling as you are then that is worked through, not wished away with a magic wand. Your feelings are legitimate not a " failure".

[Chopin99]

I know you probably don't want to hear this, lost, but earthmamma is right. It is not a therapist's job to "fix" you. It sounds like your T is overwhelmed, and probably not just with you. From what you report he said, it sounds like he's "lost the plot" as a therapist. He is there to help you fix yourself!!

Does your T specialize in trauma work? It sounds like that is what you need. I also wonder about a short residential program for you.

I know you are young, and I would have scoffed at your age if someone told me this...but I'll tell you from my experience...you are the one who has to decide things have to be different. That is the #1 factor in healing from past trauma. Until I decided things could be different, nothing ever changed for me.

[Big Mama]

It sounds to me as if your T's frustration is getting in they way of your recovery. I don't know if you have considered a different T maybe one that deals in trauma's. I don't know anything about your situation, what you are dealing with and how long you have been seeing your current T. As for not being able to hear and hold on to the positives I'm the same way. If my T tells me she's proud of me I cry and feel like more of a failure. I guess we will get to that response someday. I wish you the best.

[lostmyway21]

Sorry he probably said he didn't know how to help me the way he wished he could or something. I did warn you guys I dissociated a bit. I can assure you he Hasent lost the plot as a therapist. I'm a difficult client to say the least. Na I can't do residential I'm on the verge of getting my first full time EMT job.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Sorry he probably said he didn't know how to help me the way he wished he could or something. I did warn you guys I dissociated a bit. I can assure you he Hasent lost the plot as a therapist. I'm a difficult client to say the least. Na I can't do residential I'm on the verge of getting my first full time EMT job.

Don't apologize. You sound like a pretty normal trauma patient to me. That's why I suggested a trauma specialist like Big Mama has. Also, even after a person makes the decision that things are going to be different, healing takes time.

On a lighter note...congrats on the EMT job!!!

Wouldn't it better to do the residential program BEFORE you start a full time job? It will be much harder to do after you have a job.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

It sounds to me as if your T's frustration is getting in they way of your recovery. I don't know if you have considered a different T maybe one that deals in trauma's. I don't know anything about your situation, what you are dealing with and how long you have been seeing your current T. As for not being able to hear and hold on to the positives I'm the same way. If my T tells me she's proud of me I cry and feel like more of a failure. I guess we will get to that response someday. I wish you the best.

I've seen my T twice a week for almost a year now. He's the most supportive and encouraging T I have ever met. His frustration only comes from how much he cares and come much he wants to help and deep down I know that. It's just I see him as a parental figure and seeing his frustration is really hard because I never want to let him down because my inability to change. I always worry that maybe I'm not working hard enough or maybe he'll get sick of me and give up finally.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Wouldn't it better to do the residential program BEFORE you start a full time job? It will be much harder to do after you have a job.

I should have a full time job within a week or two, residential is such not an option right now.

[Big Mama]

Can you suggest to him to look at things from a trauma standpoint. T's have those light bulb moments to. Maybe he could suggest a trauma T and you could continue w/ him on the things you have been working on recently and to help hold you up spiritually threw trauma T. You will certinly need someone to help you and be there for you emotionally. Trauma work is grueling but the out come is so worth the work.

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I should have a full time job within a week or two, residential is such not an option right now.

"Should have a full time job" is not the same thing as actually having the job, Lost. I hate to harp on this, but I care for you and want you to feel better. NOW is the time to feel better. NOW is the time to take control and DO something to help yourself. There isn't going to be a better time later. Your T has suggested residential and he knows you best, right? He has your best interests at heart, right? You trust him, right?

[lostmyway21]

It's official I just got the phone call. I'm hired!!!! I'm so excited and so is T!! Both our hard work and determination has paid off.

[struggling2]

congratulations lost on the new job! very exciting and positive!

on another note...i seen someone suggest maybe trying a trauma t while you continue with current t.....im doing that right now it has made a world of difference. it was at my current t's suggestion and i absolutely did not want to do it. i asked her outright if it meant she was getting rid of me and she said absolutely not. i would see this T since she specialized in a type of treatment that current T did not. i see both of them every week and it has made a huge difference. current t is still my rock and our relationship has gotten even better and i feel even closer to her. it wasnt that T isnt a good fit or couldnt help me i just needed a little boost from another source as well.
i highly recommend it!

Lostmyway, you don't sound like a difficult patient at all and besides if you were its T's problem not yours. don't be so hard on yourself, you are helping yourself get better by seeing him every week, you are trying to fix yourself but that takes time...

[adel34]

Hi Lost,
Congratulations on the job!
I agree with others I think getting a trauma t in adition to the one you're seeing now would be helpful. For the past year or so I've had two therapists at once, and it's been helpful to have different perspectives and that much more support!

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Sorry I haven't posted in a while just needed to get this out.

So I had a session today. Started off pretty slow, nice walk. We talked about me applying for my recent EMT job and how that went. Then it went quiet. Sorry the next part is in pieces. I was dissociating. I asked if he was frustrated with me and he said yes. He said that I always turn upset and down and depressed no matter how positive things are going in my life. He said that I can leave session feeling good and within hours I'm feeling down. He said I'm too intense with my feelings and he doesn't know how to fix this. He wants to help but he doesn't know how to make me feel better. He says no matter how much he tells me the positives it doesn't stick.

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Sorry he probably said he didn't know how to help me the way he wished he could or something. I did warn you guys I dissociated a bit. I can assure you he Hasent lost the plot as a therapist. I'm a difficult client to say the least. Na I can't do residential I'm on the verge of getting my first full time EMT job.

I'm not sure of the background of your situation, but I can definitely relate to having "intense feelings" and feeling like a difficult patient, although T never validates that. I have also had trauma in my past as you have. Most of the time I feel like I can't control my emotions and in my talk with my T today, he said that I don't recognize my feelings when they are small and if I can learn how to do this they will become easier to manage. What has happened to me in my life has caused me not to acknowledge my feelings until they are they so big that they overwhelm me.

I usually fall into negativity the day after my sessions. Anyway I am telling you all of this because we are starting DBT to help me be able to manage all of the intensity of emotions that I feel. If in-patient is not an option for you, and you don't want to see a trauma specialist do you think your T would be open to trying a different modality with you? Does he know you see him as a parental figure and that his expressions of frustration with only add your feeling distressed? If not, knowing that, may be helpful to him.

Please don't feel like a difficult patient. It sounds like you are making strides and trying your best.

[KazzaX]

Sounds like your T is burnt out. How he said "you are always down regardless of what is happening in your life" - DUH! Captain obvious moment there. That's what many mental illnesses do. He is there to treat you for that, not to complain about it. I know people say the T cannot fix you, you have to do it yourself etcetc but this guy sounds like he needs a holiday or a change in career or something.

But in a nutshell, it sounds like your T is the one with the problem, not you.