Is it usual to not remember?

Wow, velcro, what great insight! Thanks for sharing, as it helped me to recognize a few things in myself....

One thing that just dawned on me is how the emotions can become uncovered in stages...and some of it based on false beliefs and other defense mechanisms that we use....as well as guilt and shame.

I know that during my childhood and teen years, aside from the CSA's, I was physically abused by my parents. (ACK, have trouble acknowledging that it was "abuse". Blech.)....And it got to the point where I started to enjoy it. I felt like I had super human strength at that point, with an adrenaline rush of rage that would bring my lifeless self to life.....

I haven't gotten past that step yet....but I imagine that under all of that is a whole other set of emotions that I haven't dug deep enough to get to.....

I don't know that all children feel something. I think abuse started so early that I learned to numb myself. I think I was dissociated when stuff I can remember happened, so I had no feelings.

I saw this clearly when I went thru a bunch of surgeries last year. One would think cancer would be scary, painful, traumatic even...but I was numb. I just did it and didn't feel any of the anxiety a normal person would feel. My feelings are all attached to the after stuff...dis-figuration, stiffness, etc.

I think what's "wrong" with isolating is that it is a physical manifestation of our childhood dissociation. We now go away physically as we used to go away mentally when things got bad. if we can look at our lives as dreams, we might be better able to understand the symbolic meaning of our actions over time. for example, for myself, what does hoarding represent? why did I have such weird eating patterns? I would buy cases of evian, but nothing actually edible, and stay obese. wtf? we have to do "big picture" AND detail processing, at the same time. sky, I liked your post. I definitely would have picked up on that too, and been upset by it. and velcro, what a wonderful picture. this is a great thread. for me, the reality comes back in bits and pieces. like my life is a series of puzzles, and every once in a while I find another missing piece, one that I didn't realize had such major significance, and then I see i've been holding it in my hand for quite a while.

I know for me, to express anger or any strong emotion after being abused was not acceptable and resulted in even worse abuse. There were several times it was like my mother had amnesia after an event. I'd be weeping and she would ask me what I was crying about. Um. You just finished hitting me with a belt to the point where I could not stand. Remember? And she either didn't or wouldn't acknowledge that she did and would become angry at me for making up stories. Or I would have welts from the board or the belt or whatever she found handy to use on me (because it hurt her hand too much to use her hand -- I actually heard her say that to my father when he told her he thought she shouldn't use a board to hit me), and she would ask me how I got those marks.

But my all time favorite was the time I was struck for not looking at my father when he was talking to me. THEN, when I did look at him, I was struck again and told to "don't look at me like that." So, not only could I not express the emotion, I could not even allow the emotion to show in my eyes. I had to find a way not to feel at all or I truly risked even more serious injury.

anyway, the point of my stupid gruesome story is not only could we not safely show emotions, we could not safely HAVE emotions. The rage and hatred and fear would prevent our "care-givers" from settling down and meant we would not get even what little dribbles of connection or care giving or whatever they were willing to show sometimes. And also, having those emotions just caused more abuse. So it makes sense to just not have those feelings from a survival standpoint.

From a therapy standpoint, I was able to acknowledge anger before I was able to access any other emotions. The one I had the most trouble admitting to was fear. I went through therapy the first time in college, again just after law school (briefly), just after my daughter was born, and now in my 40's. I have just now gotten to fear.

Yes, that is it ...and sometimes I wonder what's the point of opening that locked box , so to speak. I would have to unbury it and the chains around it are heavy, drag it to surface and then open it. I don't even know where the key is, it just seems so time consuming , a bunch of work. Then there is the fear of what I'll find. Ugh

Thanks for pointing this out WP. I had no emotional reaction whatsoever when I went through my cancer. I had a hard time understanding why people reacted the way they did when they were told they had cancer, when I didn't act that way at all. I'll have to give that some real thought.

Yeah, mine is in a sealed box, inside a closet, inside a locked room that has no windows. My T assures me that there is value in unlocking that ****ing door, going into the room, opening the closet, getting out the box and then opening it. ugh. I'm afraid it's like those little jars of nuts that weren't really nuts -- you know the ones where you open them and those spring tubes would fly out at you? [do they even make those anymore?] Anyway, once it's open, what do I do with the stuff flying out? Because it's under pressure and will erupt, I'm afraid. And what if I cannot get everything cleaned up and put away at the end of 50 minutes? And worse, what if people SEE it??? T keeps telling me it's worth the effort to not have a box of poison sitting there seeping out and making me feel depressed because I have never addressed it.

MKAC - we had the look at me don't look at me like that clobbering too.

I can rage at the therapist. She has said anger and frustration are the only emotions I show. Which is funny if it is linked to childhood, because it was super not good for them to think you were angry at them.

I keep asking about this sort of thing too. What if I cannot rein the chaos back in? The therapist has said I will be able to do so, but what if she is wrong? Then she just says "oops" and I am left out of control.

I've not had anything happen as bad as all of you but there was some CSA from an older "friend" and i have 2 vague memories of it happening but not the details except for the last time it happened. I never remembered it/thought about it until i saw this person 23 years later and got an instant flashback.

It def happened several times not just the two instances but those two times are all i remembered and even then not exactly why it happened, how it came about, what exactly that person did to me. I don't remember how i felt about it at the time, i don't know why i let it happen. So much i don't know.

So yes it's very possible not to remember.

lc and mkac - mine's not in a box in the attic - it's stored in these blobs of fat. if I move, they will be released. shudder.

How do you unlock the bos if you don't remember anything??? That is what confuses me.

My T told me to think about working on accepting that I remember all I am going to remember. To acknowledge that something bad probably happened to me & that I need to work on the ways it affects me as an adult.

I am the one who is wondering why I cannot remember the physical events. The therapist is the one who wants me to have some emotional response to that which I do remember. She is not pressing me to remember the facts (which is the part I want), rather she is insistent I should be/did at the time having feeling something about what I do remember.

(what an unusual position for me to take - defending the therapist)(stark raving mad I tell you).

If I’ve learned anything form my own stuff it’s that the psyche works to protect the mind if not the body. Not being able to remember is not a bad thing unless you truly want to remember.

Personally, I reached a cut off point and decided enough was enough. The people I have been talking to on and of for the last twenty years have been very helpful and supportive. A kind of peace settled over me. I hope you find some peace too.

All said and done, it’s a long, long road. You AND the therapist should set the balance of how much to push it. Avoid being made to feel more uncomfortable than is necessary.

I would rather remember. Otherwise it is FAR too easy to convince myself that I was born weird and evil. I drive myself crazy with it.

I think its very normal to not remember. Often, I do not remember. Just the before and after. But after deep digging with T and some EMDR-it all started coming back to me. Once I started remembering, I wanted to know more so I can get past it. As a child I blocked it out (dissociated) so it was hard work but worth it.

Yup.

I've spent four years working on anger, four years on grief and I am now in my second year working on fear.

Of course, other people may do them in a different order.

The subconscious remembers.

Well....... It looks like I'm gonna be unlocking that box whether I want to or not.

I saw T today. She said it's time to get down to the hard stuff. I already thought I was doing the hard stuff!

Does anyone know what the hard stuff entails?? I know she wants me to start doing EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) with her next week. I told her I'd do it, and I will, but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna freak out, I probably am!!!!!!!!!!