[Sezzie]

Hi All.
I've been feeling a lot more hopeful about therapy over the last few days. I managed to assert myself with my therapist and tell her how much help i need at the moment. It's a lot better now i think. I feel that my t is actually available to me. I feel bad now that i was such an icy mean cow to her. I feel like i have been so distant with her but i wasn't too sure about what my problem was with her. It was because i was really overwhelmed and i thought that we weren't going to be able to achieve what i need to achieve for me to get better. I think it was an accessibility and availability issue. I think my problem is for the most part 'ironed out' and i am able to ring and she does respond to my calls. I'm looking forward to therapy now. I'm in a one year dbt program that i'm hoping will iron me out. I desperately need to change. I'm feeling much more hopeful now which is definately a good sign. I need to apologise to her when i see her next for how icy i've been. I need to be more honest and authentic with her about how i'm feeling and who i am. The last time i went i was completely shocking- just crying hard out. I think we almost got to the point when she was going to throw me in the bin! I'm hoping this hope will last though. I've been doing a lot of writing and soul searching over the last few days. I've written down some goals for therapy, general goals for the year, done some pros/cons for behaviour modification. The biggest thing i think that has helped is that i haven't purged food over the last 48+hours. I've become a lot more rational. I really think a lot of my mental problems stem from the fact that i have had such a poor nutritional status for so long!!! and also my sleeping patterns are horrendous- so these are things i want to work on in therapy. I also have a huge problem with pressuring myself soooooo much and having such high expectations of myself. I know it's going to be hard but i also need to help myself by learning how to aim high but still live a happy life!!!!!!!!
What about yee all- what kind of therapy goals do you guys have???

[sujunew]

Wow sez, you have come so far in such a little time. When we 1st met you were in such a black hole, and you seem to have come out into the sunshine. And you are not doing it just little by little, but in such huge leaps and bounds. You are a true inspiration for us all. Know that even with these huge steps forward there will be setbacks as you face everything but keep looking at your goals, and at how far you have come. Keep it up girl, and as always, kia kaha

[JustBen]

Glad to hear of the progress.

[Sezzie]

I still feel very quite uncertain about life in general, but at least i feel i have my t on board with me a bit more now I'm feeling a wee bit happier today- but probably mostly because i took some stimulant drugs- woopsy. Shouldn't have done that. After doing that i end up feeling so depressed and need to take some more. Better do no more- was just today. I'm still really the same old worry-wart named Sezzie who feels young and dumb and i don't think i'll ever get to a place where i want to be in life, but at least I've had my little spat with the therapist. I told her that one of the particular diagnoses that was made on me was such a lazy bullsh*t one. I told her that i really wanted to be referred to an eating disorder clinic and i told her that i feel like i'm in the wrong therapy group for the problems that i wana address. I think what i'll do is stick with that group and just apply what we learn in that group to my issues. I just feel so bad that i've gotten stuck in a group with a diagnosis that i know was a misdiagnosis. I feel so stink because i've mucked up university quite badly. I'm kind of stuck doing part-time again. Anyway I really hope i can stay ok for a good amount of time. I feel so ashamed because i told one of my past lecturers about all of the conditions that i have- I felt that i was possibly a bit too revealing. I kind of regret it and then i sort of don't because i trust that person completely. I just feel like an *** because we have done some research work together in the past and now she'll think i'm a complete cop out and won't be able to handle anything. I feel a bit stink bout that really, but this is all bs really! I'm just mumbling now- The stimulants i've been taking have benzylpiperazine in them. They're illegal in the US, in some states of Aus, but they are totally legal in NZ. They're thos stupid party pills- I totally think they should be illegal so that idiots like me don't get stuck onto them. Why's New Zealand so dumb??? Not supposed to take them with medications but i have and also drink no alcohol with them, but too late!
Above all of that rubbish and before i took those dumb pills i have been feeling a wee bit better- maybe it was just shopping therapy- i dunno- but i sort of hate shopping??? Confused but ok sorta!
-Sezzie-

[January]

((((( Sez )))))))

Yay!!!

Hugs,

Jan

[Sezzie]

I am sort of reverting back to the feeling where i feel that t is not on the exact same page as me- but she's making some more headway! I often feel that i have to explain myself over again to her. We are often at odds with each other. I tell her when i feel that she's making generalisations and assumptions but it often feels like i'm having to do so much work to justify who i am. I'm pretty clear about who i am and what my problems are, I just feel that she's viewing me differently. I feel that she's assessing me wrong. On Monday i have an appointment and this is what we're principally going to work out. i feel that i'm going through a quarter life crisis and through a period of depression but she feels i have something else- which doesn't fit with how i feel about myself. I often feel like i should get someone new because the problems that i struggle with the most aren't being addressed and they seem to be shoved under the carpet. I feel like it's going to be very hard for me to get better with things in this way. I feel that she's being very hypocritical in expecting me to have an open mind when her mind is completely closed about what my situation is. HELPIES. I've been communicating that i feel this way with her many times over and seemingly to no avail. I'm hoping desperately that we can work out the correct treatment plan for me and come to some concensus. I do feel that she could be helpful, and i do acknowledge my faults to her, but we just got to work more in synergy!!! I feel that i will give it my best shot again to try the therapy for a few weeks more, before giving it the flick. I don't think i'm perfect or anything (far from it!!!!!) but the things we seem to work on in therapy aren't applicable to the things that i need to work on. I just leave feeling that it is not going to get me to where i need to be!

-Sezzie-

-Sezzie-

[Rapunzel]

Sezzie, that really sounds familiar. I keep going through similar cycles with my T. I was convinced briefly that her frustration was getting in the way and she just wasn't going to help me. She was threatening to give up on me too. Sometimes I've felt at odds with her - I was dragging my feet and fighting her all the way, but even as I resisted I wanted her to win. That attitude just doesn't work though. T is going to see things differently than we do, because they are supposed to. If we could see it all clearly, what would we need T for? Sometimes the hardest thing is to stop fighting and learn to submit and to trust.

Rap

[zombiette]

Yeah, but on the other hand i think you've got to feel like ur making some progress. Some people you don't really gell with, and i've always found it works a lot better when they see where you're coming from. i've had some T's i've worked really well with but others i just did not feel comfortable talking to at all. It doesn't hurt to shop around a bit...

[Sezzie]

Hi again.
It's not that i don't gel with her or what ever. It's that she makes assumptions about my situation and what i do. I feel that she leads me in directions- and she gets it wrong! There's no way i'm going to submit to my t over this. That is not a good and healthy idea at all. I am not submissive and i am not overbearing either- I'm just asserting my rights to say what is going on in my life!!! there ain't nothing wrong with that. I'm finding solace in other people at the moment. I'm finding that more helpful than what the t can offer at the mo. I do know that the t can provide another perspective. I do look at all perspectives- it's just i'm trying to tell her the events that are going on in my life and the spin that she puts on it is all wrong!!! I am not going to allow someone who only sees a small cross-section of my life in the present to analyse me so grossly!!!

-Sezzie-

[zombiette]

Sezzie - I can relate to ur t putting a spin on stuff...although i got along with my last one (the one i had prior to leaving akld) sometimes she would really throw me by linking my probs to stuff i didn't think was it at all...who knows maybe we had the same one lol!!! i guess u cld always bring up ur concerns ( not easy tho - well, at least i've never felt too comfy doing it!)

[Sezzie]

Man Zombiette
I do feel quite a connection to you aye. I feel that we have had quite similar feelings and situations. I just don't feel like such a loner in this country anymore. Thanks for being there all you guys. Over these few weeks i'm supposed to be focused on being effective in interpersonalo interactions- so i'm trying to get what i need out of my therapist. I feel that i am quite an assertive and confident person when i'm speaking- but i still think it is quite valuable to up-skill and everything. i aint perfect. No doubt there. Ther thing is is that i have brought up my concerns quite a few times to my t but she seems to disregard it and will tell me what she believes is goin down with me and why. The problem is that this is so ineffective because we have got such a broken record going now- i feel that maybe i should write a letter about how i feel about what's going down- so that she has something to remember how i feel and we can bring it up if necessary, but then i won't have to repeat myself ten times over.

Love goes out to you all
-Sezzie-