I found out something about T, something about her private life

Its not about what I heard or didn't hear. I know it happened because this source of information had no reason to lie, she neither likes or dislikes T. She didn't even tut or show judgement and afterwards wondered why I was so sad. She doesn't even know T is my T.
I won't confront T because its not my place to do so, she could have mentioned her affair several times to me but chose not to.

I think you are so right here Dreamy about the deep work that could be done when you meet with Ts humanity but at the moment right now all I can see in her is inhumanity. I see a villian, someone how hurt her husband and family and the other family and for someone in a sensitive proffession like therapy that is a terrible way to treat somebody- her husband. If she wasn't happy she could have left.
I told her last week that all I wanted was for my ex to admit her wrong doings and say sorry and t laughed and said I think you will be waiting a long time...now everytime she says something I will just dismiss it and read something completly different from it.

You seem to lack any appreciation for how inaccurate gossip can be.

Just because she has no reason to lie that you know of doesn't mean she is not lying. Just because she actually isn't lying, doesn't mean the information is true. The fact is you don't know and you never will unless you drop the teenager logic and attitude and approach this like an adult with T, including understanding that what you heard may not be true. Or just cancel with her and get another T.

The real issue to me is your lack of proper boundaries with people you are close to. You should have never snooped through your partner's private Papers and the fact that you see nothing wrong with it is a huge problem. You should also not have snooped in your T's private business by going out looking for gossip about her. I think the reason you are not willing to raise it with her is because you don't want to admit how you found out, which is quite similar to how you found out about your partner's affair.

You would probably be better served if you explored the reasons for your own poor relational behavior rather than focusing on how bad your T is, when you don't even know for sure. Whether you do it with this T or not, you are the one who needs to look at herself.

Excuse me, but you have no right to judge me when you don't even know me. You are just reading what i post here which could be described by you as idle gossip. The two situations are very different. If you knew somebody who lived near your T you would probably just say oh yeah i know somebody from there which is what I did. I DId not intentionally set out to find gossip about her as you have decided. And I did look at my partners email because i suspected an affair, it was the one and only time I did and you know what I would do it again and I think anyone should if they suspected their partner of being unfaithful. Now if you don't have anything constructive or nice to say please dont bother to reply to this anymore.
My poor boundaries has nothing to do with this issue although I do appreciate your insight you have misinterpretted lots of situations like I have may have misinterpretted the situation about t, so please take your own advice and not assume anything.

Whats the verdict button , are you gonna stay with T or go?

we all do this with our T's. at least now you'll be aware of it. honestly, I think this twist of fate is a gift to your therapy, if you are able to use it.

Seriously, if you think that reading a post is the same thing as listening to neighborhood gossip, that is just unbelievably incorrect.

But I will respect your wishes and not reply further to your posts.

Button, while I support your taking into consideration how much this might affect your therapy, I really disagree with the notion that you don't need to confront T directly if you want to continue. You really do. You may not WANT to, which is completely understandable, but you must. Beating around the bush won't help you. And it's not up to her, at all, to tell you she had an affair. Therapy isn't about her. You can't blame her for not telling you. I know you're hurt, but don't let your hurt find its way into places where it doesn't belong.

And if you do decide you don't want to see her anymore, that's ok -- but you do need to acknowledge that that would be based on hearsay, and what everyone else THINKS she did. It won't be based on the dynamic between you two, at all.

Actually, I was intrigued that she encouraged you to try to settle things with your ex. Combine that with the fact that her husband seems to have set himself on fire or something, it may be an indication that she deeply regrets what she did, and would rather have had the chance to work through things, instead of having this permanent painful reminder to her, her family, and her husband of what happened.

I once told my now-former T that part of the reason I was enthused to be a mom was that I was looking forward to being there for my kids in a way my parents weren't. It's a way to make it better, for me. Perhaps T feels the same way about you -- being there for you in a way that she wasn't for her H.

Again, I do understand that you're in a lot of pain and feeling blindsided and untrusting. And we could sit here all day and all night and ask whether it was ok for you to snoop on your partner (in my opinion, totally a normal thing to do if you truly suspect infidelity), or whether your friend's information is any good (in my opinion, it's sketchy just because no matter what, your friend still doesn't know what is in T's heart, only what the "whole town" knows -- I was well-known in my hometown back in the day, but nobody really KNEW me or what motivated me), or whatever. But I think the bottom line is, you can't know T's deal without asking T. If you don't want to know her deal, that's ok and understandable. However, you have to try your best not to allow what information you now have to cloud your judgment about the best way to proceed -- don't start blaming her now for things that aren't her fault, like not telling you about her affair. I know it's very hard.

Anne 2.0 if you had read the thread properly before jumping to conclusions you would have seen that this was not a thing I would normally do is read someone elses credit card bill or emails. I did it because I wanted confirmation on what I suspected. I will hold y hands up and say it was wrong but obviously you have never had a partner cheat on you, someone that you love constantly lie to you, you would do anything to find out the truth and I really don't think this is an important issue here.
I would like to thank you all for your responses and your help with this thread and I would like to point out that I was not judging T or anyone who had an affair its just this is a VERY hurtful subject for me as I loved her so much and just wish that she could have been honest with me that she loved someone else.
i really appreciate all of your help and advice, I think I got really triggered by what Anne said. I personally don't say anything to people if I dont have anything good to say as this is supposed to be a support forum- people are hurting here and need some positivity and kind words. Even though I am angry about what I heard I have great symapathy for T and her situation, she is only human and part of me admires her for being able to get over something like that and hear me saying how hurt I am by what happened to me, it must hurt her.
I am not blaming anyone else for what happened certainly not my ex but I wish she would have had some respect for me. Every affair is different and I can't speak for other but it hurt me more than words can express.

thank you Hankster for giving me a new positive spin on this situation, I found your last post very helpful to why I feel like this and I would never have put the pieces together about my mom until you pointed it out.

Hey Lola, I am going to stay with her because she might be just what I need to get over all of this, she might be able to help me more then I have been helped. I am afraid this will trigger me a lot but I am going to bring up the fact of how much it all hurt and take it from there. I cannot confront her just yet, its too early in our relationship.

Thank you Sally, I hope none of this is hurting you as it must bring some feelings up for you. I am sorry if I have said something to hurt or judge you.
I like the fact that T tried to get me to sort things out with her as my last T said she would not see me anymore if I go back to my ex as I would be self sabotaging again. T genuinely wants me to feel better and probably knows from experience that things can be sorted out if both parties want to but right now my ex is ignoring me and my phone calls so a reconcilliation os out if the question.
As for T, I won't blame her for anything. I am filled with sympathy for her as she is so kind and I understand that people can do things out of character once in a while and even though I dont know the FACTS in the story I heard I won't hold it against T. I will go in there with an open mind and try not to dismiss everything she says.
Again thank you for your insights and help, I truly appreciate it

IMHO - you just need to tell her like it happened... It's not like you were looking to find this out...it just happened, i live is a large small town and I hear things about people too... it happens

I agree with Hankster on this... this could be huge in your Therapy, although i can also see the fear of telling her you know...but a lie does not a firm foundation for a therapeutic relationship make.

you:

So T I ran into so and so and they said they knew you and mentioned this......

I don't know what to do with this........ can you help me here, T.

Don't worry about it, Button. If it was too triggering I'd refrain from posting.

I'm sorry your ex is being so uncooperative. And I hope you can keep telling yourself that this is because of problems with her, not problems with you.

In a way my experience was the single biggest turning point in my mental health, because I was so shocked at how far I had fallen that if I wanted to get better, I had no choice but to go through every single thing I wanted to change about myself and just do it, and cut the BS. But I could have just continued to pile on the BS, and that's unfortunately what a lot of people do. It's really hard to admit to yourself that you're capable of such ugly things without crawling back behind your defenses. So remember, this is her choice, and it doesn't reflect anything about you.

Because this was such a turning point for me, I often can't help but chime in on posts concerning it. I learned a lot about myself, and also learned a lot about H and what he was going through in order to help him. I think a lot of people don't realize what it can be like -- for either the cheater or the cheated. A lot of betrayed partners go through PTSD-like experiences, where they become hypervigilant and frightened. The world at large can be very invalidating towards them (I see jokes about infidelity now and CRINGE). It's extremely isolating. So I'm very glad if anything I say is helpful.

I am so glad you're going to try to keep an open mind. I do hope that you find a way to bring it up with her directly sometime soon -- never good to let these things fester for too long. You might surprise yourself and find yourself ready sooner than you thought.

I also think it's great that you have this empathy for her and what it must be like for her to have this sort of "dark mark" on her, even though you can see that there is at least this T part of her that is working for good. I think that's a great sign for you in terms of healing.

This could be a good way to bring it up actually because I was afraid of how I was going to bring it up. Hankster was spot on!
I think this imformation about T would have found me eventually even if I didnt ask about her.

First of all, I'm sorry you heard this information about your t. It really puts you in a difficult situation.

Having been on the end of untrue gossip, and having seen the devastation that is caused when "half-true/half invented" stories go around, I would not simply take what the neighbor said as gospel, even if you think she is trustworthy.

For example, how did she know for a fact that your t had an affair? Did she witness the "act"? NO. So how would she know for sure? She may have taken her own observations about your t and her h, and then filled the story in with her own assumptions.

If it was me that came across this information, I would not believe it automatically. Some of what the neighbor said may be true; some may not. It doesn't mean that your neighbor is lying on purpose. She may believe what she told you - but she doesn't have the whole story. She can't.

I think it's vital that you tell your t what you heard - and the two of you work through this. I don't think you should just quit going to t.

You are right about the PTSD, I had a nervous breakdown after it, I couldn't eat or sleep kept shaking uncontrollably, crying constantly, my whole world fell apart. Its only now i that I can see that what I was going through was normal, I was having PTSD. My ex T just kept telling me that I was to go see my doctor so he could give me anti depressants but they only made me feel worse.
You obviously learned a lot about yourself through your behaviour and were willing to change and this I admire greatly. I admire the fact that you learned about the affects affairs can have from both sides it really does show a lot about your character and I am sorry people judged you on your past behaviours. people are so quick to judge especially when it comes to affairs. nobody can know whats its like unless they have experienced one from either side as it hurts both parties.
My ex for example has done it all her life, cheated on all parnters and has never shown remorse, which came as a complete shock for me as she told me all of her ex partners had cheated on her and I felt so sorry for her but now I know the truth I feel so stupid for believing everything she told me. I can see her destructive pattern and how it will never change. But I realise this is because she hates herself.

She knows its true because she knew the name of the man who T had an affair with as she knows them quite well and heard it from him how he messed up his family because of it, I am goingt o try and bring it up with T and work it through with her and see how this will all work out.