I found out something about T, something about her private life

Mixed emotions, I am sorry you had such a hard time with your husband, it's a hard pill to swallow! I went through the denial stage took me a whole year to accept she had an affair and to deal with all the anger that went with it! Maybe you will wake up one day and see that everything happens for a reason, it doesn't make it any easier or less painful but it makes sense sometimes!

I can understand that. Not having been threw that myself I do not know what I would do. I wish you the best of luck w/ your T. When our T's know everything about us it does cause a bond that is hard to break or at least for us the client. I don't know what the answer is in this situation. I wish I could do or say something to help. I cannot . I can only give you my best wishes and hugs. Hopefully just having us here at PC is a help. Having objective folks to talk to will hopefully make your options more clear.

Part of me wanted to know but then I realised afterwards it was a big mistake to listen! And people would love that, n hear a t isn't perfect after all!
I can never tell her what I heard because it would really hurt her to think people were talking and it would only make it harder for her!

I would consider two things when deciding if you keep seeing her.
1) are you able to talk to her about the rumor
2) were you working well together before you found it about this

May trigger affair


I suspected what she had done from your original post on this thread and followed it because I wanted to be sure. I fuses having been through it, your reaction mirrored exactly what I would have felt at first.

So now I'm going to ramble because I dead tired, and this topic always gets me rambly (except in t were I'm as far from rambly on it as you can get- I've been seeing her for months and still haven't really explained what happened).

So my second thought is walked into my head with the belief I have that "once a cheater always a cheater is not true". I believe that if the person is willing to look at why they did what they did, and really work on it, it doesn't have be a reoccurring pattern. If I met someone in dating potential territory in the future, and they disclosed they had cheated on a previous partner, AND they showed remorse, I like to believe I would give them a chance. (dear head, this isn't right now shutap) I guess the idea of, if it were me, would I want someone to be able up look past my past mistakes. So here's how I related it to your t. She might actually be a good one to work with based on her past. Clearly she's seen first hand the impact it can have. Kind of like having a sober alcoholic t if that's something your working on. That's ASSUMING she's taking/taken responsibility for her part.

And I know the reaction her h had makes the story sound so much more extreme. But remember, regardless of what she did, he is responsible for his actions and reactions. Just as my reactions were my responsibility, my ex didn't make me. Yes, he gave me plenty of fodder to mess with my head but I had to choose how to cope. And on the flip side, nothing her h did caused her to cheat.

Sorry you got stuck with both of these messes

But doesn't she have the right to know that people are talking about her? If you were told, imagine all the other people who have been told! If she becomes aware of it, then maybe she can put a stop to it (or at least proceed accordingly). If people were talking about me behind my back, I'd want to know.

I don't know her well enough, I have only seen her three times so I feel like I shouldn't be the one to tell hero

The neighbour may be "trustworthy" as a source but i have to wonder about the type of person she is to even bring this up in idle chit-chat with someone who is an acquaintance.
Surely anyone with an ounce of integrity would be able to see that there is two sides to a story and that it was a very sad chapter in a couples lives and it doesn't need regurgitated by others' who have no place talking about it. I know all of my neighbours yet none of them have a clue about what goes on in my life and vice-versa.

I think that good people do bad things sometimes, and whilst having an affair isn't exactly honourable, there is no such thing as black and white situations. Think of all the good she does in her work as a therapist... bad or selfish or cold people simply could not do that job. And chances are she's had her own therapy to process what happened in her marriage.

You are right, her husband is responsible for his own actions! I do however know that my ex could not see how her actions were hurting me and affecting those around her, she refused to accept any responsibility! I am trying not to take it out on t and I hope she can take responsibility for her actions!

I am trying not to judge her too as no one knows the ins and outs of a relationship only those involved but I do know how am affair affects those who love you! I was going to kill myself after my ex cheated and only for my ex t convinced me it was the wrong thing to do I would have! Maybe t can help she was very good before I learned this news, she was kind and gentle and very easy to talk too! I mean maybe this has made her a better t?

You are right, it takes a good person to be a t, maybe she had her reasons, I will never know but I do know that she is a good t to me right now but I still can't help feel hate towards her and another part of me feels great sadness for her and her family!

I agree with Asia. Who goes around talking about who-sleeps-with-who in casual conversation? That's someone I would be wary of. Even if they have the basics of the story right, who's to say this person isn't exaggerating? But I wouldn't necessarily trust that they even have the basics right. I mean, how in the hell would they even be in the position to know all the sordid details?

If true, it would skeeve me out, especially if it happened recently. But just because the husband self-destructed does not mean that's on HER hands. For all we know, he reacted this way because of something else that happened. Again, I'm wondering how the neighbor would be in the position to know. Seems to me that only a friend would know these things. They don't sound like a friend to me.

button, I don't know what it's like having an affair or being cheated on. I am sorry you went thru that, it's awful. I do know something about having disturbing info about your T though. Unless you thoroughly discuss it, it will never go away. You will have this in the back of your mind at the one year mark, at the two year mark...etc. Whenever any other thing comes up with your t relationship, this will come up also. It will make it very difficult to disclose things, it will make it almost impossible to trust. Make a decision now to either talk thru it with your t, or to move on. Don't waste time like I did.

you don't have answer this ... but in your reaction to what you've heard about your therapist, do you direct these same thoughts and feelings toward yourself? My sense is that they may say more about how you feel about you than her. This may be exactly where you need your therapy to go...to work through these feeling... esp with a therapist who may have been there. Maybe look at this as an opportunity to grow and learn.

plus, if you don't discuss it, this is going to be in the way of anything therapeutic you try to do with her.

I was in a very similar situation with my T and as I'd been going to the same T for a couple of years - i felt like i had no choice but to bring up what i had heard. I didn't go into detail and just explained that i had found something out and i felt it had to be out in the open if i was to continue.

My T said i could ask anything I wanted regarding the situation - i didn't want to know anything further so said it wasn't necessary.

I couldn't pass judgement because I had only heard one side of the story and we all have pasts which we learn from.

My T checked in a couple of times with me after to make sure I was alright about everything and has always left it open for discussion.

It took a massive weight off my shoulders and we made the decision together whether we both felt we could continue, but my T never asked what I had heard, or who had told me - she was more focused on me and how it had affected me. I would highly recommend discussing it - it shouldn't be a burden that you have to carry.

I'm sorry, Button. This must be really hard.

As a reformed-wayward partner, I can tell you (and you probably already know) that it's possible for a person to take a horrible action and use it as an opportunity for positive change. But I also know that this is likely a massive trigger, and brings up all sorts of trust issues and fears. We have such a hard time trusting our Ts to begin with, and an affair is just the right trigger to bring up concerns about blind trust.

I think it will be essential for you to know some of her side of the story, mostly because this really hits close to home for you. (And as others said, I'd be wary of a friend who would say this as basically the first thing tat comes to mind about a person in response to an innocent question.) I think normally a T should be careful with disclosure, but in this case it's going to be necessary for you to trust her. I know I told my H all kinds of things in the aftermath of what I did that I would just never have told him normally (not just affair stuff, but other things), knowing that it was a way to help him get in my head and see that I was trying to change and do right by him and that there wasn't anything going on. It obviously shouldn't be this intense between a T and client, but what I am saying is that more disclosure than usual may have to happen.

By the way, I know a good website for dealing with issues of infidelity. PM me if you want the link. It has its own pros and cons, but it helped me understand what my H was going through.

I did want to point out that this is the reason a lot of betrayed partners don't find out about their cheating partner until the affair is well underway. I know some would rather have not known at all, but the ones who did get frustrated that people knew and didn't tell them, because "it wasn't any of my business." I know it's not the same thing, but this obviously is your business in its own way. I'm just saying that passing the buck isn't really going to help anyone, including you.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's awful. And I think it would be ok if you decided you couldn't deal with it, if you weren't ready. If you're not ready to forgive your partner, it might be hard to forgive a stranger. I'd liken it to the ex-spouse of a drug addict, finding out that their T used to be an addict. Depending on where that person is in their healing, they may or may not be able to deal with a T that directly triggers that pain.

This is a great story, thank you for sharing it! I think a lot can be said about the T just by the way she responds. If she uses language that takes responsibility for the action itself, no matter how unhappy the marriage might have been (there's no excuse to cheat; a person can always leave instead), and acknowledges how much a discovery like that can hurt a client who has been betrayed herself, it can really work.

If you have only seen her three times, I would jump ship and get a new T. This sort of thing can be worked through, but why bother if you can get a T where you don't have an additional issue to work through? If you had been with her for years, my suggestion would be different.

Best,
EJ

I really feel for you Button30 and I hope my previous post didn't seem harsh at all, as that wasn't my intent. The fact that she cheated on her spouse is what I suspected as well and I can totally understand why you would find that makes it hard to work with her. My soon to be ex H cheated on me among other things, so I do sort of understand. It hurts a lot.

It is so hard that once you know something like this, you can't un-know it. There is something that my T told a long time ago which I really wish I didn't know. Every once in a while something will bother me and this thing I know will make me doubt if I can trust him but luckily we have worked together for a long time and I am able to ignore it for the most part.

I also wanted to add though that whatever she did or did not do, only she and her H know what really went on between them and the unfortunate action that he took to hurt himself was his action. He chose to do that and I am sure that she probably does feel horrible about the way things turned out. Just like when my mother tried to kill herself because of how awful I was, that was her choice, not mine.

I agree with this, and I'd go even farther. Why on earth would you assume that what you heard, which is really just gossip, pure and simple, is actually true either in part or in total?

If I heard something or thought I knew something about my T based on incomplete information (which most information is), I would talk to him directly about it. I would say concretely what I heard or what I believed, and ask him if it was true or not. I would not believe in gossip hook, line, and sinker, as it seems you are inclined to. For cripe's sake, just ask her about it.

Please don't judge your T. You do not know the whole story. It is terrible being judged by people who make assumptions. I have been the recipient of judgment and it is very hurtful. Unless you have walked in their shoes, (even if you think you know the whole story), you cannot understand.

I really agree with Skyblue here. In fact, I'm currently in a situation where a very good friend of mine has stopped speaking with me without explanation. Since she won't tell me why, I asked a mutual friend of ours. Apparently, she heard from a "very reliable" source that I did x. I did not, have not, and would never do x. But, apparently, my friend is so convinced that she won't even give me the opportunity to tell her I didn't do it! So, I guess I'm just trying to echo the point that, sometimes (often times!) gossip is not true-- no matter how reliable the source (because the source mistakenly believes it is true!). Perhaps you should give T the benefit of the doubt and the courtesy of asking her, rather than assuming and judging with only partial information?

What I would add to this, though, is that even if some of the 'facts' are 'true', we still do not know exactly what caused the actions.

I will give my example. I left my husband in an out-of-character (for me) way. It was a rash and quick decision. There was a LOT, a LOT leading up to it. Those are the facts and no one would be able to deny those facts.

I was judged harshly and severely by everybody. No one, not one person, asked me why I had done it. My H got all the sympathy and I got all the scorn. They didn't know what I had lived through and I am still condemned even though I have returned. I have a black mark forever on my forehead or maybe a scarlet letter.

Your T may have done something you find wrong but you do not know the whole story just like others do not know my story. Please, do not judge, lest you be judged.

While I think it's important to keep in mind that it may not be true at all that T was unfaithful, I think it's also important to remember that this is a trigger issue, not just a question of morality.

For still-hurting betrayed partner, it can be very hard to accept the "reasons" that someone might cheat. I think leaving someone is very different -- there are lots of good reasons to up and leave someone, and I'm truly sorry no one wanted to hear why you left. From what I know of you, you thought it through and wouldn't have done it out of nowhere.

But, there aren't really any good reasons to cheat. Assuming it actually happened, anyway, which we shouldn't.

I know it was a long time before my H could hear about the things that were going on with me that caused me to do what I did, or caused anyone to cheat for that matter. He needed to get past the feeling of being betrayed and violated first, then he could acknowledge that the situation in our relationship were very bad -- partly (mostly, really, and he would agree with me about this) because of him.

I don't see Button judging (yet). I just see a hurt, triggered response. Button, I hope you will see though that many of the responses your are getting have one thing in common: talk to your T about it before you make any decisions!

Hi Sally, I am not judging T or anyone who cheated as everyone has their reasons for doing the things we do, but its like you said I feel hurt by anyone who mentions cheating or hurting their spouse on purpose. I wish i didn't feel so moved by this but I do and it seems quite ironic really that that I go to therapy becuase my partner cheated on me and hurt me so badly and then the T does the same thing...It just doesn't feel right to take advice or guidance from her anymore. I know she is not a bad person in fact she has been nothing but nice to me and been a very good T. She is trying lots of different things with me, this week we are trying two new things and I was looking forward to it but now i don't want to see her.
I believe what this person told me because she sees her husband and what it has done to him and the other family that was involved and hse said its so sad.

It hurts like hell murray, i am sorry you had to go through this too. I wish we couldn't hurt each other. Any time I see anything on tv or hear a sad song I burst into tears and its horrible. I am glad you were able to work through this with your T must have took a lot of work on both your parts.

I am not judging my T, I am just saying under the circumstances that I dodn't think it would be possible for us to work together.

I didn't see you as judging her, I just didn't want to speak for you ("She's not judging!") when I wasn't 100% certain.

I definitely get why you don't want to see her again, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You know what you can and can't handle.

But I do wonder if hearing her express how much she regrets it would be a little bit healing for you? I'm not sure, I'm just throwing it out there. There is also the risk that she will not say that, and I know that might be overwhelming.

I'm sorry this is all so painful.