What I learned in T today

bur·den

1.
that which*is carried; load:
2.
that which is borne with difficulty; obligation; onus:

Synonyms
1. See load. 2. *weight, encumbrance, impediment. 8. *weigh down, saddle, try, afflict, perturb, plague, grieve, vex.

As a child I felt like a burden, so I tried to lighten the load by carrying not only my own weight but that of others. As an adult I now do the same, the same reason I have low self esteem, inability to make decisions, care so much about what others think, want to fix things for others but have no problems neglecting myself and guilt... we all know that one, I feel guilty for breathing air that someone else could use. I learned this because I was a burden as a child and up until today I would have said I no longer feel like a burden, but the reality is I act as though I do. I just didn't realize it until today.

Lola-That is a big realization. Good job. I know that it is a hard thing to change, but you can. You are not a burden! Never have been, never will be.

I agree with healed. Awesome work! Your not a burden, and never have been!!

Thank you both, Although I didnt post looking for reasurrance (even though it is nice ) I guess I was just wondering if anyone would relate.

I am sure that you will get a lot of people who relate. I do relate for sure!

I saw this on the couch. one of my mother's favorite sayings in italian when I was growing up was to piss and moan about what a huge burden, an impediment, children were. I wrote in another thread about how I don't even let her answer her door at her new place, which could get her fined, because it's so automatic for me to jump up and "do" for her. bs, man, bs. you're not much of a thread starter yourself really, are you? i'm glad your T is keeping you at 2x. you have to take care of this, cos otherwise you're just gonna burn out like me - you'll deplete yourself, have nothing left to give. once you collapse flat, it is really hard to reverse the process. yes, like BOOBS!

Lola, my T talked today about the burdens I carry that are not mine. The feelings you describe are oh, so very, very familiar. big hugs.

((Lola)) I can so relate as well. When I first read your initial post I almost chimed in to say that I have always felt the same way but then I wasn't sure if that would be inappropriate.
I am so very sorry that you had to feel that way all of your life as well.

I should have been more specific and asked for sharing, I need others to share its how I learn.

I agree. This is a big realization and good work. I'm sure you weren't a burden. Good thing it is written down, then you can work on each issue there.

[CODE

Main Entry: burden [bur-dn]
Part of Speech: noun Definition: mental weight; stress Synonyms: Herculean task, accountability, affliction, albatross, anxiety, ball and chain, blame, care, charge, clog, concern, deadweight, difficulty, duty, encumbrance, excess baggage, grievance, hardship, hindrance, load, millstone, misfortune, mishap, obstruction, onus, punishment, responsibility, sorrow, strain, task, tax, thorn in one's side, trial, trouble, weary load, work, worryAntonyms: aid, help, relief

I also feel like a huge clog in everybody's drain. I feel like a mishap, an obstruction, a strain, a trial, a thorn in one's (plus) side, weary load, encumbrance, deadweight, affliction, albatross and excess baggage. What I'm trying to say, is that I also feel like a burden to others. I feel like all of my issues are too much for others which makes it difficult to like myself. I feel fake, like I walk around acting like I'm okay, but if someone actually saw me break down and cry, like truly getting out the pain, they would probably put me in a mental institution. I felt like a burden on my therapist. Anyway, you're not alone.

I copied the above entry because I thought it was interesting that the antonyms to burden are aid (like you aid others), help (like you help others), and relief (like the relief you afford to all but yourself).

I know this must be difficult for you and know that I'm here if you need someone - just PM me. To me, the kind of change that many of us are going to have to undergo to become whole, is unnatural. It's like everybody else knows how to be a person, but we have to use a guidebook to figure it out. How does one undergo such an undertaking? THat is the question.

Take care!

Does it seem like everybody is in the right body, has the right face, their expressions and movements are RIGHT THERE? this is not a male-female thing for me, it's more a just not-me, I don't know who that is, but it doesn't look like ME. I don't know how to be a person IN THIS BODY. I thought you were just supposed to be a person IN YOUR BRAIN. and, btw, shut up. and don't have needs, I guess.

LC - glad the appointment was useful.
I do not and did not feel like a burden for the most part.
An alien, but not a burden. Burden sounds rough.

I feel like that too! Like I am always bothering people even though they have said I am anything but, but it still is there in my mind! As a child I learned not to ask my mom for anything and to do everything myself! Make dinner, housework, make lunch for school and in our house everyone had to thread carefully around my mother and her moods! We were always so careful not to bother her and to take care of her! I am so aware of being needy and a burden like her that I don't answer people's texts or ts email cos I don't want to be a burden! Can you relate to any of this Lola? It sucks!

I would hear about child support and how nobody ever got any. When I was 18 I had to leave and she couldnt wait. Money....was my main burden,or lack of and the amount of kids. Its expensive to feed and put clothes on 5 kids. No dentist or Dr appoinments because it cost money. No extras, money. I got my first "paycheck" real job when I was 11... I bagged ice,stocked shelves, sorted bottle return, so I could have money. At 13 I started waiting tables for more money. The other kids were to young so if they needed , soxs or field trip money they came to me , until they were old enough to work. Yet my mother and stepdad were gone 7 nights a week gambling....tyring to get more money. So for me the burden I felt was mainly exsistence due to finance.

I don't know if it's the same, but I have always felt that I took up too much space. I feel like I was always huge and never little. I was always "too big" or "too tall". So I tried to squeeze into corners and stay out of the way. My mom never complained about me requiring too much money though...she just really didn't even acknowledge my existence...unless I was in her way.

Wow...this is bringing up a weird feeling. Can you hear the gears clicking from there?

Yes I feel the same way too. It is such a big part of who I think I am now that it's almost my core setting.

The money thing comes from the fact that we were on all sorts of government assistance, so "head count" of children was important as we each physical got them a certain amount of money, or housing allowance or food stamps etc. Physically we were an issue to . We weren't allowed to be home on the weekends... School kept us out of the house M-F. Come Friday night we needed to have a plan as to where we were going and how we were getting there. ( I was to find places for the younger ones) So we were not in their way much as they required us not to be home and they gambled every night from 6-11, so THEY weren't at home. I liked NOT to be around them. When I was around them it never ended well for ME.

Its definitely played a huge part in "how I am" real close to the center of the onion. Have you learned to let go?

yea...ick. I liked NOT being around them too. We had a big enough house, so I could hide in a million places. I just couldn't be seen, as that would result in getting beat for being in the way. I couldn't eat in front of either one of them either, so I stole a lot of food. I still feel guilty when I eat, hence my strict dietary rules.

The parents kept all the "good food" locked in their room-pad lock with key. ( snacks, soda, chips...expensive stuff ) and we weren't allowed to eat anything without asking, as it was part of a plan. They told us when we could eat and what...they even counted things so if we ate more then allowed they would know and we would be punished. Hence my weight issues as now I like to have everything I couldn't then. My mother would eat ice cream and put a bowl on the floor for her dog, but the kids were not allowed. I loved it when she would accidentally leave her snack out, when she left for Bingo.... it would always disappear and none of us ratted each other out. LOL

Awwwwwwwwwwwww, Lola, I'm so sorry that happened to you. You deserved so much better.

This is so sad to read and thing about. It was made clear to me that I was an inconvenience as a young child. My dad wanted my mom to abort me and when she refused he beat her throughout the pregnancy. After they divorced my mom had to deal with me being in the way as she was "dating" various random guys. So I was always a burden for her. Then when she finally had enough of me and left me with my dad, he wasn't wanting to suddenly have a young daughter to care for...once again I was a burden. Anyway, the grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc who got saddled with me at times also felt I was a burden. Anyway...yeah, always been a burden. My soon to be ex-family has made it abundantly clear that I have always been a burden to them as well and I owe it to them to stick with my H even though he is in prison, cheated,and a bunch of other stuff.
The thing is that now, that for the first time in my life I am living alone and am not supporting or taking care of anyone else and it leaves me feeling like I have no reason to exist. If I am not taking care of someone, then what is my purpose?

Antimatter, thank you.... but its not really upsetting...none of my history is, its just the way it was, I knew no different.

I too was "raised" or past around the village, I feel for you. I would love to be on my own...to start over and discover who I AM. This is a gift murray, its not to late to discover and care for you. I saw this on face book ...

"People think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value, the truth is the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too" , I have no idea who said it...but its so true