[elysia]

Hi,

I'm new here, but not new to therapy.

Long story short, I'm seeing a therapist whom I've seen for a few months. I have PTSD and have survived sexual assaults in both childhood and adulthood.

I'm one of those people that didn't get much physical comfort growing up and was yelled at for crying. So now I crave safe touch. It helps ground me, makes me feel safe, helps me express pain, and helps me feel more connected in the relationship. I've never really cried with her and I never will if she will just sit there. Sometimes it's the only way to bring me out of a flashback (she's tried other things, like letting me hold a blanket, it's not the same). My first T used touch but wound up being damaging to me, though not because of the touch.

I'm not brave enough to ask what this Ts policy on touch was. However the topic came up in an indirect way, and she said either "I don't like touching people" or "I don't touch everyone." Then she followed it by saying, "especially people who have experienced sexual assault." And something like, "they may not interpret it well" or something along those lines.

This hurt on two levels. It REALLY bothers me she'd treat me differently than other clients because of something that was done "to" me. Is it just me or would it bother you, too, if your T said that to you?

Also now I still don't know whether she said she has a blanket no touch policy or just that she doesn't touch certain people. Sigh. She's also a little clinical to me, I prefer someone that is warm, but that's another topic. I just can't look for another therapist at this point. But don't feel brave enough to bring touch up again, especially since she hinted it's something she doesn't do. Any advice or feedback welcome, thanks.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by elysia

she said either "I don't like touching people" or "I don't touch everyone." Then she followed it by saying, "especially people who have experienced sexual assault." And something like, "they may not interpret it well" or something along those lines.

Sounds to me as though she was expressing a concern for you and others in similar situations -- and for herself in not wanting to get into situations that might harm. As usual, it is something well worth discussing in therapy.

[anilam]

Some ppl (me included) find it comforting when there's no touch policy. So maybe she thought you would too? Like don't worry it's safe here, I won't touch you?
However, if you crave safe touching you need to address it with your T- explain why you need it/find helpful before. Also ask her if she really has no touch policy- my T touches some clients (shakes hands, puts an arm on their shoulders, though I don't think he hugs them) and some he doesn't- he asks in the beginning of therapy. So he does treat clients differently but it's not just because of SA.

elysia....at the risk of sounding cliche' , this is a conversation you need to have with her. Everyone's case is different and I am certain her stance has been created with the patience best interest in mind. So even though it feels like rejection, I don't think its a YOU specifically thing and by talking about it she can help you see its a her thing. She may have had a bad experience in the past, one will never know until they ask. Be brave.

I have a great idea!!! In your next session, detail a dream that you had (it is a dream, if you think on a different level). Tell her, in this dream, which was very disturbing mind you, that there was a child who was in a deep place, reaching out to someone above to lift her out. The person they were reaching out to would not reach back. It caused the child anguish, or deep disappointment. The child pondered within herself, "Should I refrain from reaching out? Am I unlovable? Perhaps I should not reach out again. Touch is confusing to some, and I guess I shouldn't be worthy of such an encounter from a person I trust. Maybe I should throw in the towel." Just then, in the dream, the person the child had reached out to gently reconsidered. She reached out and pulled the child up from the pit. The child was grateful. From then on the child was no more afraid to trust another in this manner. If your therapist is worth her weight in salt, she will analyze this dream to interpret what one might be to inhibited to express directly. Hope this helps my friend! Tell us how it goes!!! <3

[WePow]

You deserve to understand this situation. And there are Ts who do offer safe touch. My T is one. Without it, I would NOT be able to heal. So you have a right to bring this forward. You now have a right to your voice!

For what its worth I brought it up with my Male T ( it was really hard , i just spit it out and didn't look at him ) and he's "no touch"... but when I explained my feelings on the situation , he assured me that exceptions can be made when needed.

I feel like my skin is rice paper thin and the moment someone touches me it tears a hole and all the emotions come flooding out. Without touch I am able to contain it within the paper thin confines of myself.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

I have a great idea!!! In your next session, detail a dream that you had (it is a dream, if you think on a different level).

it is a lie, if you think on a regular level. why would you advocate making stuff up to tell your T? i'm not sure that's being "supportive". are you in therapy? is that what you personally do? if so, how is that working for you, seriously?

[BlessedRhiannon]

If you're unable to bring up touch in a general sense, perhaps you could bring it up specifically related to flashbacks. You could tell your T that when you have flashbacks, you've found that the only thing that really grounds you and helps you come out of them is being touched. Tell your T exactly where and how she should touch you (i.e. a tap on the back of the hand or firm grip on your shoulder or lightly shaking your knee...whatever). That might open the door for further conversation, but wouldn't be such a huge "will you touch me" topic.

[Indie'sOK]

Agreed. If I'm paying someone for their services, I'm not going to waste my money and their time by lying to them.

[beauflow]

it would really bother me if the added sentence of especially past abused ppl. i think at the very least that should be talked about. it has taken a hit to you it has made you feel as if you're not being treated the same as others. perhaps it's a misunderstanding or interpretation. i don't know about anyone else but this would make it hard for me to trust my t fully, which is needed in therapy. hope you well and i agree as a whole it should be talked about even if it's really hard, i can and can't imagine this

[critterlady]

I agree that this is something you should ask her directly. Don't make up a scenario in which it happens to someone else. That's lying to your therapist, which would be really counterproductive. Plus, if you did that, it's entirely possible that your T will see right through it anyway. Most of them aren't stupid.

Talk to her. I know it's difficult to ask for what you want. With your background, I would guess that asking for what you want or need hasn't been a positive experience. Trust her to do what's right for you and to explain why if what she thinks is right isn't the same as what you want.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I feel like my skin is rice paper thin and the moment someone touches me it tears a hole and all the emotions come flooding out. Without touch I am able to contain it within the paper thin confines of myself.

Me too! You put this so well. Wish I knew why this was so. T doesn't touch, so I can keep my emotions locked away. Yeah - good for me.

[Shiny Things]

Of course, talk to T, but be prepared for a NO! I would love a squishy hug from T but will never ask. Because anything I have to ask for seems hollow to me. Like whomever should just know what I need.

Me: Do you love me?
SO: Yes, of course.
ME: Tell me.
SO: I LOVE YOU.
Me: You're just saying that cuz I asked you to
SO: ?????

Asking for what I need or want is a topic in a lot of my T sessions. Asking is uncomfortable, accepting is near impossible!

Ha! Great advice yall!!!

[WikidPissah]

You have to ask for it, and be ready for a no. Seriously, it's the only possible way you will ever know for sure.

(btw...I would totally freak if a t touched me)

[elysia]

Thanks so much for all your responses guys.

I had my session and it ended up not getting discussed... there have been many intense things going on in my life lately which were more pressing.

Anyway during the session I really felt how clinical she is. Not warm. Not someone I would want any physical contact from. My relationship to her will always be cold and clinical. It's not the relationship I want but given that I don't have much money I don't have much choice. So I guess it's all a moot point. I've been reading for awhile here and read how some of you have warm relationships or even wish she was your mom.... I am happy for you all, and a bit envious, that you have that relationship. It must be a wonderful thing when you can find it.