[Fixated]

Why did I send my T a link to a video? Why would I think that is something to be done?

The video has bigger/broader meaning to me in general, but you wouldn't know that from the way I completely backpedaled in the text of the e-mail? Maybe because I definitely didn't want her thinking that I thought that we were/could be friends who send each other funny links.

Why is getting T to like me more part of the reasoning for so much that I do in therapy?

She responded back and said "very cool". That's all. I hope she forgets this ever happened by the time of our next appt.

Has anyone else ever done this and survived the shame?

Yes!!! Much worse!!! Always believe a woman when she tells you, "You Don't Want to Know!" Forgive yourself. If you love yourself, it doesn't matter anymore about other peoples' rejection or acceptance of you. It is really freeing.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

Yes!!! Much worse!!! Always believe a woman when she tells you, "You Don't Want to Know!" Forgive yourself. If you love yourself, it doesn't matter anymore about other peoples' rejection or acceptance of you. It is really freeing.

I don't love myself though. I hate myself, and I've told myself that about fifty times since sending T that e-mail. This is something we're working on (the me caring about myself).

[rainbow8]

My T and I have sent each other links to videos, forwards, etc. When she first did this, I was surprised, as I wondered if it crossed boundaries. Then I sent her photos of my kids and grandkids because we didn't print photos anymore. She said she liked them and it was fine.

In fact, tonight I sent her a very moving video that made me cry. I decided that it's okay to send her those kinds of emails. I'm trying to find a middle ground between "she's nothing to me and she's everything to me". And "it's not okay to email vs some kind of email connection makes me feel better."

Why are you ashamed of sending the link? I think you should talk to her about, whether it's okay, and your worry about her thinking you're doing it like friends do.

When my T first sent me something, or maybe I something to her, I did tell her it kind of bothered me, and said that's what friends do. She doesn't think it's wrong, and doesn't think it makes us friends, even though friends do that. Having BPD, it is a little confusing to me but it's a way of connecting but not making it "too much". If it's too much, I shouldn't do it, and neither should you.

Sorry I rambled on so much, but I found your post interesting. I wonder if others send links to videos, or forwards to their T, or do you find it crosses boundaries?

Fixated, if your T responded "very cool", then it's okay with her, it seems. Please discuss it with her, for your own piece of mind.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Fixated

Has anyone else ever done this and survived the shame?

if we hadn't survived the shame, there would be NO ONE LEFT on PC!!! been there, done that, here's your t-shirt! I once texted my T on a friday evening to watch a rerun of a TV interview, cos he told me to if it ever came on again. I was mortified! But he said HE was more embarrassed to be caught at home on friday night with the tv remote in his hand. So - you're extending yourself, and that's scary. we were very brave. and we were accepted, not rejected. good on us.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Fixated

I don't love myself though. I hate myself, and I've told myself that about fifty times since sending T that e-mail. This is something we're working on (the me caring about myself).

Why is sending her the email so terrible? Is it what you wrote or the video? Can you have compassion for yourself and just be CURIOUS about why you wanted to send it? Did your T tell you not to email her? Do you have rules about it? I'm sorry you feel so bad about this.

Oh no! Don't not love yourself, then everything is horrible and you can't survive! I did that for 20 years, and it was the worst 20 years of my life. Give yourself permission to receive love. Give yourself permission to be worthy of your own love. That's what rock stars do. And real stars! Kindness is the way to be. Even to your own self.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Why is sending her the email so terrible? Is it what you wrote or the video? Can you have compassion for yourself and just be CURIOUS about why you wanted to send it? Did your T tell you not to email her? Do you have rules about it? I'm sorry you feel so bad about this.

Ugh. I don't even know if I can explain it properly. It's putting myself out there by saying I wanted T to see this video. Acknowledging that T matters to me (but T would say this is me saying I matter enough to myself to tell her what I want...or something like that). It's opening myself up for judgement.

We don't really have rules. She's said to email as much as I want. She'd let me know if that ever changes..

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by hankster

So - you're extending yourself, and that's scary. we were very brave. and we were accepted, not rejected. good on us.

Yes. This (above) is the scary part.

[Fixated]

This is the video I linked to her.

[rainbow8]

I loved it!!! Beautiful, seeing all those countries. It made me feel really good. I think it's really OKAY that you shared that with your T! I do know what you mean about it showing that you care about T. It's a risk to let her in. I am very glad that you shared the link here so others can enjoy the video too.

[karebear1]

Loved it too!! Hope you don't mind if I repost it.

[Silversand]

I like it!

[BonnieJean]

And the lyrics are pretty amazing...

If all the days that come to pass
Are behind these walls
I’ll be left at the end of things
In a world kept small

Travel far from what i know
I’ll be swept away
I need to know I can be lost
and not afraid

We’re gonna trip the light
We’re gonna break the night
And we’ll see with new eyes
When we trip the light

Remember we’re lost together
Remember we’re the same
We hold the burning rhytm in our hearts
We hold the flame

[Anne2.0]

I love that video and I am so glad you posted it.

I guess if I had sent that video to my T, I would have interpreted my action as in the spirit of "this is something that really touched me, and it's a little window into the kinds of things that are important to me".

I think you're being super hard on yourself, I don't think it was awkward, or stupid. I think it was allowing your T to see a bit more into who you are, and that's a good thing.

You were brave to send it to her and brave to post about this.

Is it okay to say I like you?

[pbutton]

I totally understand why this feels like a stupid thing to have done. I don't agree with you in this case, but I can tell you that I'd feel the same way.

[Sannah]

It made me cry! Very nice!

So now I can understand more about why you feel that it opened you up for judgement or rejection because it is a special video. You mentioned shame, were you made to feel bad while growing up for reaching out?

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Loved it too!! Hope you don't mind if I repost it.

I don't mind at all. I really do think it's inspirational.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

And the lyrics are pretty amazing...

If all the days that come to pass
Are behind these walls
I’ll be left at the end of things
In a world kept small

Travel far from what i know
I’ll be swept away
I need to know I can be lost
and not afraid

We’re gonna trip the light
We’re gonna break the night
And we’ll see with new eyes
When we trip the light

Remember we’re lost together
Remember we’re the same
We hold the burning rhytm in our hearts
We hold the flame

Yes. The song really touches me. So appropriate to those of us in therapy too.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I guess if I had sent that video to my T, I would have interpreted my action as in the spirit of "this is something that really touched me, and it's a little window into the kinds of things that are important to me".

Is it okay to say I like you? Yes

I think maybe I'm sort of...somewhat ok with having sent the video now after talking to all of you. Now I'm just frustrated by how I sent it. My email was quite sarcastic (use humor as a shield of course) and dismissive. Idk if she'll realize that it meant a lot to me and shows my view of the world because I went out of my way to make it seem like no big thing in the email so that if she didn't like it or it wasn't appropriate, I could be like 'well, yeah...i knew that which is why i said what i said in the email'

My mind is so ridiculous

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Fixated

Now I'm just frustrated by how I sent it. My email was quite sarcastic (use humor as a shield of course) and dismissive.

T's can see past this. When my T really got going, he'd point out little tidbits of things that I said that indicated that I wasn't as dismissive as I was hoping I was. It drove me nuts.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by Sannah

It made me cry! Very nice!

So now I can understand more about why you feel that it opened you up for judgement or rejection because it is a special video. You mentioned shame, were you made to feel bad while growing up for reaching out?

That's a good question. My first reaction was no, that didn't happen to me as a child, but I will have to think more on it. Maybe it ties into my deathly need for perfection or to appear perfect.

Originally Posted by Fixated

Now I'm just frustrated by how I sent it. My email was quite sarcastic (use humor as a shield of course) and dismissive. Idk if she'll realize that it meant a lot to me and shows my view of the world because I went out of my way to make it seem like no big thing in the email so that if she didn't like it or it wasn't appropriate, I could be like 'well, yeah...i knew that which is why i said what i said in the email'

I get that. So I bet your T will, too.

[~EnlightenMe~]

((((Fixated))))),
I was really moved by that video! I am SO glad that you shared it. I would love to be Matt, throw caution to wind wind and just act any way I wanted, and do that with a bunch of different people in a bunch of different places. I love the freedom and acceptance that it stand for
What I LOVE even more, what I found even more moving than the video clip was your story of sharing it with your therapist. You are an inspiration, you see beauty in things that may be humorous but are very symbolic of the human experience. You have made my day, thank you for that!

[lostmyway21]

Have I ever done something like that? Yes 5 mins ago. It felt like a brilliant idea at the time. Now not so much. I'm just going to keep lying to myself that he's not going to get it somehow, and maybe I'll survive it too.

Fixated