Bad session :(

****possible trigger end of therapy****

Omg what a horrible session. I went in totally happy. Like busting at the seems happy to be with T. He actually had to tell me to calm down a few times because I was borderline manic, and talking to fast, and jumping around on our walk. He told me I was going to crash. We talked and it was going great. Until for some stupid reason I asked him...why do I look up to you so much? He started to answer and I knew the answer was going in a bad direction fast so I tried to cut him off but it was too late. He told me that it's okay that I look up to him but I look up to him too much, because I worry about our relationship, and his responses way too much. I was like ah omg stop talking. Bad question, I take it back. But NOO he kept going. He said I looked up to him because he was the positive role model I never had. (Okay that wasn't bad) BUT then he told me he can't always be there. That someday I will have to do it on my own without him in my life. At that point I totally shutdown. He told me that he shouldn't have to watch what he says about this in order to keep me from shutting down every single time. And that he shouldnt have to worry about not answering a text about our relationship, and setting off a reaction. That I needed to accept that he wouldn't be doing his job if I was in therapy forever. It was over at that point...I didn't say a word. He said he couldn't believe I had just made the biggest switch EVER...from totally manic to not talking.

He then told me that we had a lot of time still together. That he wouldn't change anything until I was stable. That we would first have to go from 2x session a week to 1x then to every other week. And if it didn't work then we would go back. BUT then he said eventually when I was stable I would have to stop seeing him. Then later he said if ever I needed him again I could always come back.

I don't want to ever lose him. It would be like losing a parent. He's the only role model I have ever had. He's the only safe stable figure I have ever have. Why do I ever have to stop seeing him? Why can't I always see him every couple weeks?

I'm so upset. I didn't want to hear any of this today. Ah I hate myself for asking.

I think the important thing to remember is that when it does become time for you to stop seeing him, you will not feel like you do today. You will feel healthy and ready.

Too (to add onto pbutton's good reminder), none of those things are happening "now". Stay in the present and you will be safe. You do not have to worry about when you will not see him anymore or go to every other week, etc. because those things are not happening now.

Lost its ok this is a reality we all have to face eventually. You asked and he gave you the answer. I too have this fear of the end, but I have some what figured out a way not to let it ruin my time now by NOT concentrating on that. He said you still have a lot of time together. He even talked about how that would look in the future by tapering down...but that's it is in the future..not now. Concentrate on today and getting better , cross that bridge when you get there. Don't let the future ruin your NOW. If you concentrate on the end of the trip, you miss the experience of the journey. I know its hard, believe me. It will feel better if your thoughts stay in the moment.

I'm so scared and worried and upset. I never wanna lose him.

Lost its not happening any time soon...listen to Pbutton.

Omg I'm panicking. If I tell him he's going to be so upset with me.

Lost, please focus on the now, because now nothing is changing. I've worried a a lot of my life away. Living in the moment is much safer and better for me.

Why would he tell me this???? I'm no where near stable enough to deal with this.

Lost...it is not NOW or next week or next month or even next year most likely. Don't get bogged down with this when the time comes you will be ready, it will be mutual. Its like telling a 8 year old they cant live with their parents forever. The truth is someday the 8 year old will NOT WANT to live with his parent. Let the process occur, he is here now.

I just wish I could have more reassurance from him right now. I'm so panicky.

He did try to reassure you.

I understand how bad you feel, lost. I was a little triggered reading your thread because it's how I feel about my T too. But the advice you got here is good!!! We need to practive mindfulness; all we have is the present. You have your T NOW. I know it's hard though. My mood sort of plummeted along with yours when I read your post, but you CAN move beyond those feelings. You CAN!!

Yes your T DID reassure you. He did! Can you try to believe that?

Ahhhh I'm so sorry!!! I'll put a trigger on it now. I didn't realize it could trigger others.

Is it bad I want more ressurance now that I'm not with him? Would it be wrong to ask?

I think it would be a good idea to go back and read what he's already told you. You posted about it in your first post. He has already reassured you.

I'm still so triggered and scared...I'm not reassured. I'm not okay at all.

I'm going to lose him like I lost everyone else.

Hi Lost,
I'm so sorry this happened today. To go from being so happy to this must be so painful!
Everyone has given such good advice about how to stay in the moment even though it's hard. I guess he told you this just be honest. He sounds like a pritty direct guy. Guess he just wanted you to have it in the back of your mind or something. Clearly it wasn't the time for you to hear it. Maybe next session talk about how you don't feel stable enough right now to deal with it. In the meantime we're all here and he did reassure you that when it happens, the process will be very gradual.

I kind of didn't wait to next session I told him off now. I can't take how I feel right now. I want to crawl into a corner and disappear.

I used this line on my T once. She said that when the time comes that I don't need her anymore, I won't feel like it's a loss, but a gain.

The point again, is that it's not happening now. I have my T now and so do you...and I'm finding I don't need her as much as I used to.

Did you already tell him off? If you think about this from a logical perspective...why would you tell someone off who you don't want to leave you? If its a preemptive strike the outcome would still be the same. You need to concentrate on the positives, T is here now. Don't let your fear of the future ruin your relationship today. Its a self fulfilling prophecy.

Yes I did
I did it because I'm scared.

I think the best you can do, is to tell him how you feel...always...no matter how scary it is.

How did he respond? I am sure he was expecting it, but still... you have to attempt to overcome these urges...that's where the hard part comes in. You know the best way to get someone to love you is not to tell them off.

Lost, have you ever tried DBT? I could not get past these types of feelings with people (not just past/current T's, but everyone) until I learned these skills. You don't seem to have the coping mechanisms to even handle the T relationship, much less trying to overcome your past traumas. You seem to be stuck in a loop, one I remember really well. It takes a lot of hard work and willingness to overcome this fear of abandonment. I still have issues to this day, but they are much better than in the past.

He's currently ignoring me. I think he figures I'm not going to stop right now.