Bad session :(

lostmyway21 · Sep 24, 2012, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Lost, have you ever tried DBT? I could not get past these types of feelings with people (not just past/current T's, but everyone) until I learned these skills. You don't seem to have the coping mechanisms to even handle the T relationship, much less trying to overcome your past traumas. You seem to be stuck in a loop, one I remember really well. It takes a lot of hard work and willingness to overcome this fear of abandonment. I still have issues to this day, but they are much better than in the past.

I've thought about it but there are no DBT groups that accept my insurance or are remotely close.

Asiablue · Sep 24, 2012, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

****possible trigger end of therapy****

Omg what a horrible session. I went in totally happy. Like busting at the seems happy to be with T. He actually had to tell me to calm down a few times because I was borderline manic, and talking to fast, and jumping around on our walk. He told me I was going to crash. We talked and it was going great. Until for some stupid reason I asked him...why do I look up to you so much? He started to answer and I knew the answer was going in a bad direction fast so I tried to cut him off but it was too late. He told me that it's okay that I look up to him but I look up to him too much, because I worry about our relationship, and his responses way too much. I was like ah omg stop talking. Bad question, I take it back. But NOO he kept going. He said I looked up to him because he was the positive role model I never had. (Okay that wasn't bad) BUT then he told me he can't always be there. That someday I will have to do it on my own without him in my life. At that point I totally shutdown. He told me that he shouldn't have to watch what he says about this in order to keep me from shutting down every single time. And that he shouldnt have to worry about not answering a text about our relationship, and setting off a reaction. That I needed to accept that he wouldn't be doing his job if I was in therapy forever. It was over at that point...I didn't say a word. He said he couldn't believe I had just made the biggest switch EVER...from totally manic to not talking.

He then told me that we had a lot of time still together. That he wouldn't change anything until I was stable. That we would first have to go from 2x session a week to 1x then to every other week. And if it didn't work then we would go back. BUT then he said eventually when I was stable I would have to stop seeing him. Then later he said if ever I needed him again I could always come back.

I don't want to ever lose him. It would be like losing a parent. He's the only role model I have ever had. He's the only safe stable figure I have ever have. Why do I ever have to stop seeing him? Why can't I always see him every couple weeks?

I'm so upset. I didn't want to hear any of this today. Ah I hate myself for asking.

I can't help but feel he himself cultivated this situation of over-dependence, therefore can't really complain when the sh-it hits the fan! Even though his intentions were honourable at the time, he and he alone has to take responsibility for it. Maybe he shouldn't haveto worry about not answering a text etc but that's just the way it is.

Also i want to absolutely promise you that by the time the day comes when you don't need therapy anymore... it will not be the devastating feeling you have now because YOU will be ready to move away from therapy. Not going to therapy doesn't mean that you won't have a relationship with him at all, by that time your relationship will be less idolised parent and child and more amicable fond friendship. He will be someone you can always rely on.

Sep 24, 2012, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

He's currently ignoring me. I think he figures I'm not going to stop right now.

Surprise him and stop.

Sep 24, 2012, 11:57 AM

He did try to reassure you, but you shut down and shut out his message because you had already decided to interpret what he was saying in the most negative light. You have to stop picking and choosing what to listen to when your T talks to you. You latch onto information that you decide to interpret as negative/abandonment, while completely ignoring the whole message about this will be a long process, nothing immediate. In other words, he's going to work with you until you can eventually stand on your own two feet down the road. Don't jump from A to Z on this. Your T didn't jump from A to Z and in fact explained that to you, but you are choosing to even look at the reassurance that you heard him say (you are the one who reported it to us).

Down the road, probably WAY down the road, being able to stand independently and not have to see him twice a week or even once a week will be a triumph and achievement for you. And trust me, it will really feel like an accomplishment, not a loss, not an abandonment. You'll be proud of yourself when that day comes. THAT is the message of reassurance your T was giving you.

Sep 24, 2012, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

He's currently ignoring me. I think he figures I'm not going to stop right now.

Are you spamming him with emails? Stop that Lost. That isn't going to help you feel any better. Slow yourself down and think things through with more logic.

Dreamy01 · Sep 24, 2012, 12:01 PM

Oh I so understand this. My first and former Ts both said something similar at one time, like 'one day you'll manage without me' and each time it was like a knife in my heart. I couldn't bear to even hear the words. I couldn't think about leaving it was so devastating. I used to cry at night over it. I envisioned myself not surviving without her.

But you know what - I left both of them eventually. And it was, by and large, my choice. Former T did have to leave the agency but I could have seen her privately and choose not to. I survived the endings. The ending with former T was in particular very painful but I did come through it. I never thought I'd manage it as I have such a fear of endings.

I'm back in therapy but with greater confidence that this ending will not break me. It still hurts when current T mentions the future when I won't be seeing her. But I can hear the words now even though they hurt.

As the others have said, it needs to be the right time, but that time will come and you will get through it. Trust that.

lostmyway21 · Sep 24, 2012, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Are you spamming him with emails? Stop that Lost. That isn't going to help you feel any better. Slow yourself down and think things through with more logic.

With text. I can't I'm so worked up.

why did we have to go there.

pbutton · Sep 24, 2012, 12:09 PM

What do you want to accomplish with all of the texts? Do you want him to leave? To tell you you never have to leave therapy? What's the end goal?

lostmyway21 · Sep 24, 2012, 12:11 PM

To tell me he's not leaving.

pbutton · Sep 24, 2012, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

To tell me he's not leaving.

He's not leaving. He told you that & you told us that in your first post.

12:36 PM

Take a deep breath. Put your phone away. Calm yourself down.

IME, when I have done something similar is to then write a well thought out email telling him how you can see your pattern of separation anxiety, panic, anger, spamming... This is the start to changing the behavior... to recognize it...

You can stop spamming him! Put the phone away! I think like me you are doing a self fulfilling prophesy of I'll push you away until you leave and then I can blame it all on you for leaving.

sorry if this sounds to blunt...I really do understand these feelings..had them myself

Dreamy01 · Sep 24, 2012, 12:17 PM

T isn't leaving you. I recognise the fear it brings up when a T says something like 'one day you'll manage without me' but it doesn't mean he's leaving you. Truly it doesn't. I know it;s hard to understand from a younger and fearful perspective, but if T told you you would always be seeing him, that would not be a good thing! Therapy is about growing and moving on - but when you're ready. T is there for you, there is nothing to fear. As certain as we can be in this life, it's within your control when you leave.

rainbow8 · Sep 24, 2012, 12:22 PM

((((((((((((lost))))))))))))) No, you did not need a trigger warning. I used the term mildly. I meant I understand what you're going through because I have those same kinds of feelings for my T. I'm sorry if I made you feel worse. I didn't mean to at all!

I see you needing the same skills I do--distress tolerance especially. There's a DBT group online; maybe you can do that. Or a yoga class? I'm sorry you're suffering so much. Again, your T is not leaving you now. If you can try to take that in.

lostmyway21 · Sep 24, 2012, 12:32 PM

I'll try and stop texting him. I can't control my impulses. I'm honestly freaking out. This triggers me more than anything about our relationship. I can't deal with this. He's probably so mad right now.

pbutton · Sep 24, 2012, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I can't control my impulses.

Sure you can. If you were at work right now, would you be doing this? You're capable of controlling your impulses. You do it all the time.

I mean this in the nicest way, but often the "I can'ts" like that are actually "I won't." or "I don't want to".

lostmyway21 · Sep 24, 2012, 12:38 PM

I guess your right. I want a response. I won't until I get one. Good or bad idc right now. I feel like I'm losing him. I feel like I've lost him already. I feel alone.

If I get any response I know he's still there.

granite1 · Sep 24, 2012, 12:40 PM

hey lost i know it is hard but i remember the strength you had when trying to give him the space he needed over the holiday weekend and i bet you can do that again i see all of us here on your side along with your T. he isnt leaving you and he isn't mad at you . you can do this . he realy is on your side and isnt leaving at all

Sep 24, 2012, 12:41 PM

Agree with Pbutton...you can control them, you are choosing not to. Do something else. Go for a run, or take a bath or watch a movie or count cars...anything but text. Pull the battery out of your phone if you have to. Journal....anything

Chopin99 · Sep 24, 2012, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I've thought about it but there are no DBT groups that accept my insurance or are remotely close.

Will your current T do it with you? My first T did it with me alone because she knew I wouldn't respond well working in a group.

Ask him. Tell him you want to do this. Tell him you want to learn the skills you need to break this pattern. I cannot imagine you want to stay like this.

You can control your impulses. Chris is right. Please put the phone down.

lostmyway21 · Sep 24, 2012, 01:20 PM

Why won't he say anything..

murray · Sep 24, 2012, 01:26 PM

I know you are hurting so much right now but he can't always reinforce this pattern. Are you hoping that if you text him enough that he will feel bad? That he will feel guilty for hurting you? If he always responds when you spiral out of control like this, then it just encourages you to spiral out of control until he responds- vicious circle

I hope I don't hurt or offend you, that is not my intent at all. I can tell how much you are suffering and I honestly only want to help.

lostmyway21 · Sep 24, 2012, 01:32 PM

I know I'm pushing him to respond...your right.

I guess he's trying to do the right thing for me but it hurts even more now that I started this and he won't say anything.

pbutton · Sep 24, 2012, 01:38 PM

I think it is a good idea to readjust your focus. He said some very nice things to you this morning. You have another appointment with him this week, right? So he is still there. Nothing has changed except for your feelings and your focus.

Asiablue · Sep 24, 2012, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Why won't he say anything..

What can he say Lost? You are refusing to be comforted by anything he has said. You are refusing to see the truth of what he said to you in session; that eventually you won't need him. Therapy isn't an adoption service, the very nature of it is that it has a beginning, a middle and an end. The end is good tho.. the end will be when you are strong and healed.

lostmyway21 · Sep 24, 2012, 01:41 PM

My biggest struggle in therapy is after sessions I pick out the parts that sounded bad and forget the rest...see my pattern. All I can think about is that someday he can't always be there.

Yes I see him Thursday. He's probably not going to be very happy with me.

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