Bad session :(

Your right. I'm sorry. I'll stop posting until I calm down..

Can you tell us some of the nice moments of today's session?

Therapy is a learning process, T is trying to help you learn to deal with these feelings. I have done this to people IRL, mainly when I was younger (occasionally now, if I'm not mindful) I lost friendships with lots of good people in my life because I couldn't stop this behavior. Your T is being very patient and is trying to teach you that it doesn't have to be this way. You can be secure in yourself and relationship with T. Listen to his words, read what you wrote. He does care and that's why he isn't rewarding this behavior with what you want. This is a hard lesson to learn, one that has taken me almost 25 years and I still slip up. I know this is hard and I know that it hurts, but the rejection you are feeling is not really true rejection. True rejection occurs when people can no longer tolerate this type behavior and losing people over it is even more painful.

I'd wager he's not responding because nothing he could say would make any difference. I had to go through a similar process with myself and realize that I was a black hole of insecurity which instantly obliterated all expressions of reassurance or affection which other people sent my way. I realized that people could not win with me. They didn't even have a fighting chance. I had to start making conscious , judicious choices to trust people, make an effort to not let my insecurity be the master of my actions, and face the truth that though all relationships are temporary,that does not make them worthless. You can learn to do this too.

Nooooo don't stop posting!! Just stop spamming T till you calm down lol

I'm trying. Idk I give up.

Texting/emailing can get you caught into a loop where you panic, send a message, T doesn't respond, so you panic even more, send another or worry about T's reaction etc. Been there, got the T-shirt.

Try and calm yourself down and trust that T will see you at your next session. He's not replying to your messages probably because he knows a)it won't help and b) it could esculate things because you're in a state where anything can be taken the wrong way. I know you don't mean to, but it's easy to mis-interpret anything when you're subconsciously expecting to be abandoned or rejected. T knows this, hence he is trying to help you in the best way he can as well as look after his own boundaries. T's need to take care of themselves and draw a line, this isn't a rejection of you but protecting the relationship between you.

Break the cycle, try and calm yourself internally with the knowledge that you will see T in session.

Maybe I'll try and get some sleep before I have to leave to instruct EMT class tonight. I haven't stopped texting him. He knows I won't, until I've disengaged. I can't calm down. These thoughts won't stop.

If you really want to stop feeling this way, you need to change your actions. The change has to come from you, not from your therapist.

You do stop texting him during EMT class right? Can you apply that to other times, like right now?

Im going to lay down. I can't stop crying.

I'm not trying hard enough to change...

Because he has other responsibilities besides you?

It seems to me that part of your pattern is finding something negative to panic about, because that gives you an "excuse" to start texting your T for reassurance and connection. I think that your symptoms are very self-serving in this way, as you use your feelings as justification for behavior that you know is not so positive. And I think the behavior may exacerbate the feelings, so it turns into a kind of viscious circle.

I think you are taxing your T's ability to connect with you. I think if you gave him more space, he'd be better able to provide you with the genuine connection you really need.

I getttt it I'm a self full filling needy idiot. That asks to much of my T. I want to much reassurance and I try to connect to much. I want to know he cares and won't abandon me all the time and I'm way to attached and dependant. Oh and I don't respect his email or text boundaries.

I think I covered it all. I hate my life. I can't do this anymore.

Lost.. don't turn it in to a negative. The problem is, you have gotten the reassurance that you asked T for. He has text messaged you, e-mailed you, talked to you on the phone. He has been there for you. And.. from the sounds if it he will continue to be there for you. And you still don't believe or trust it. There comes a point that T can't do anymore reassuring and you need to believe it yourself and stop questioning him. I think he just felt like you need to know that you will have to learn how to be there for yourself. So... yes, you have pushed boundaries. If I could venture a guess, I think is frustrated b/c he has given you the reassurance that you are asking for.

((((hugs))))

I really like and agree with this sentence. It reminds me of something I journalled while T was away; I described myself as so desperate that I wasn't able to see what was in front of me. Desperate neediness doesn't create allow for the connection that others give us. My T has said that I need something specific from her, and like you I often ask for this in email (albeit not as directly or as much as you) but that I am missing what she does give me. Sometimes I've asked for reassurance that she cares, needing something specific, and completely missed all the evidence that she does care even if she doesn't choose to do or say what I decide I need to prove that to me at the time.

Please don't bring yourself down with negative self talk. It is okay to be where you are. I know you're in a bad place. I know you're caught in a cycle where you feel unable to stop yourself and know you're angry/upset with yourself for that and afraid of what T will say.

Take things a step at a time. Please distract yourself from all this. I find it the most helpful thing when I'm in a state of panic. Turn off your phone if you can, and go and watch something funny on TV. It always helps me. Make yourself sit through a show for half an hour or more. Even if you feel you can't, try it. That might break the loop you're in.

I would suggest you turn off the internet as well at least for the time being. Calm your mind down, numb it with some TV or even music, and break the cycle.

It will be okay. You're not a bad person you're very frightened and upset but these things can be worked with in therapy. For now just calm your mind down. You can do this. I've been in a bad state myself and even though TV is the last thing I wanted to do it has helped if I really make myself. Or go for a walk - DO something. Sitting in the garden helps me. Try to take care of yourself for now.

Cognitely my biggest issue is I turn everything into a negative. He is well aware of this and he knows we're no where close to fixing this. I do trust him. I trust he won't abandon me. I'm over that fear. I'm freaking out because he TOLD me that he can't always be there now. I'm not ready to deal with this.

Well, that wasn't the message I was intending to communicate, but I suspect you know that. I think that if you can interrupt your cycles and have a better understanding of why you engage in this way and how it affects your T, it might be easier to stop.

But it's your choice, how you decide to interpret things and how you decide to act.

You don't have to deal with it right now. It is not happening right now. You're choosing to think about it over and over in a pattern. Is this so that you have a reason to contact your T?

It's because I don't want to deal with all this alone again. I don't want to lose the only person who cares about me. I don't want to lose the only person who makes me feel safe...and now someday I know I will.

Lost , even if he hadn't said it , it was still there. We all are going to die someday. You are missing the forest for the trees.

Him saying it made it real to me. It triggered me...he knew it would though. Can I not be ready to deal with something even if its always there?

My guess is, by the time it is time for the two of you to part ways.. You will be ok with it all. Until then, you need a distraction.. You need to be in the present, you need to remember that you are still seeing T twice a week and nothing has changed right now.

Yes you can.... but you can choose NOT to concentrate on it.

Your right healed, you all are. It's time to calm down. It's time to send my rational text I know he's been waiting for.

I feel so horrible the way today played out. In session and after.