Bad session :(

I can normally recieve his feedback. In fact his is very honest and direct in his approach with me to avoid confusion. I misinterpret things. It works. It didn't work last session. But I don't really care because that session doesn't matter anymore. I don't care about my relationship or attachment or abandonment. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't care if its important. I don't want to deal with anything anymore. I don't see the point in trying.

antimatter. you had 5 years with your T, i've had about that long. lost has not had that length of time. that kind of talk can come much much later. but going off your meds is like tit-for-tat.all he really did was move the problem, the discussion of it, from the weekend to session time. so I may have been hasty in calling it a hostile move on his part. it would have been hostile of MY therapist, but we have a different trajectory. Being both over 60, we tend to get bored and fall asleep

Move the discussion of it from weekend to session time?

I was moreso referring to the feedback you're getting from PC.

I'd imagine that you're exhausted from the continuous surge of emotions. I hope you're able to set this aside and focus on other things to help recharge your battery.

yeah usually - maybe not recenly - but usually he "talks you down" more on the weekends, whereas you're relatively okay DURING sessions? that is my impression, I could have it wrong. ie like you fight or get upset or afraid more off-session, which would make sense, so he tried to make that happen while you two were together, so you could deal with those feelings together. he needed to make you feel secure, tho, I think, not leave you hanging at the end?

Lost, I think Antimatter and MUE are saying you aren't in a place to hear feedback from us either. I would not take that as a criticism, but simply a description of the place you're in right now.

I hear that you feel you are in crisis. I hear that you cannot differentiate between the reality of right now and the possibility of the future. You are hurting and that seems to be causing your spiral out of control.

I guess I missed enough of the thread or perhaps another thread that explained why you are off your meds, but I can tell you from personal experience that when in crisis, going off my meds was one of the worst things I could do. I've done that. It did not help me. It made things worse. If you can go back on them, please, please do. I think that would help tremendously.

Also, in this time right now when you are thinking of giving up, it is most critical that you do not. I can tell your T cares about you. Please, please go tomorrow and tell him exactly how you feel.

I hope you don't misinterpret my words. I am trying to show I care.

Wait no...I'm sorry. I'm even getting it wrong here.

Gn guys

Good night Lost. All you need to do now is get some rest. Then show up in session tomorrow and let T know what's going on. You can do it.

Good Night. It's okay no matter what you think/thought. We are all here supporting you and giving hugs to help. Sometimes I don't get my point across, that is me. I care about you as do the rest of us. That is what I want you to hear. We are all here with you during this stressful time.

I need T.

I just don't know what to do or say when I see him. After all that's happened this week, and all that's going on. I'm afraid he will be mad at me.

It's important that you talk about what you're feeling and what you've been going through. Try to be open about it...curious about what's happening inside you...so that you can gain some greater awareness and understanding. Ultimately, it can lead to growth, if you're open to it.

Try not to let your fear of T being mad get in the way of allowing yourself to try to understand what's going on....through hard work, transformation can occur.

I know that there have been many times when I've wanted to cancel my T sessions - and usually it's because I'm upset with him or in a bad place and don't want to be "seen". But I force myself to go, knowing that it's in my best interest and knowing that I'd probably feel absolutely awful missing a session...usually, I'm glad I went.

We are with you and you are in our thoughts, lost

I'm sorry I wasn't being receptive to feedback earlier tonight guys. I feel really bad for being so difficult... and letting my emotions take over.

I hope you can redirect "feeling badly" into something useful.

Follow Up to bad session:

So I had my session today. I got there and he immediately wanted to know if I was on my meds? I was honest, he made me promise to go back on them, and told me if I didn't we would stop therapy, because he cant give me proper treatment I need. Then he seriously asked if I needed to be brought to the hospital. I said no.

He asked why I had stopped? I said because I felt like giving up. He told me that was a scary thought and asked why I felt that way and what prompted that feeling. He asked if something triggered it and I said yes but was going to be mad if I told him. He told me he would only be frustrated if I didn't tell him. Then he asked me what triggered me to be upset, and I managed to tell him Monday's session. He asked what about it made me upset, was it the session or my thought process? I basically shutdown for like 15 minutes after that. He kept asking what made me upset, he said he was baffled as to what he said would make me want to give up, and I finally blurted out that it was the thing that always makes me shutdown.

He finally said is it because I said I can't always see you?? I said yes. He asked if I'm spinning it the wrong way when I'm not with him? I told him yes and that I didn't get our relationship and asked why I couldn't just see him like once a month for the rest of my life. He asked why I was thinking so far in advance and I said, because I didn't think he would bring it up. He said obviously since I'm not well its too hard for me to understand any of this. He said he's not going to bring it up any more. He said were just going to move on from it for now because he doesn't know what to say. BUT he says he can't and won't lie to me or make me believe something that's not true because that's not fair to me. He said the idea that I react so irrationally to this thought scares him. He said that even if I want him to lie to me he's not going to. He said from this point forward he won't bring it up, but he just can't be afraid to bring up those goals in the future.

I guess I feel a little better. Sorry it was so long. I type it all out so I can come back to it later and re-read it.