Just Dumb

I know, I know, I know - it's o.k. to talk to your therapist about anything and it's o.k. to access T whenever necessary.

But I'm feeling stupid now because I asked for an extra session this week and now it seems like it's not necessary. I haven't cancelled because I think it makes me look too wishy washy.

My T is great. She has helped me a lot, a lot. I have worked through a lot of serious issues and she's been right there for me the whole time.

So, I'm facing something big in 3 weeks. When I faced it before in January, I had a meltdown. But I think I'm in much better shape than I was in January.

Still, Saturday night some of the old emotion was bubbling up and I was a bit concerned it might get full-blown before the mid-October event. But, I'm fine now and it just seems dumb to add an extra session (and pay for extra session) when the emotion has settled down and the odds are that I will be o.k.

So, now feeling stupid because she may be thinking I'm going through a full blown crisis and I am not. I'm in good shape. I over-reacted Saturday by texting her if she had any extra slots open this week. I guess that since I have only 3 weeks until potentially triggering event, I didn't want to take any chances.

Now, I don't know what to talk about with her. I feel like I've become a hypochondriac. This is embarrassing being 'just dumb'. And I suspect she is giving me her lunch break and that makes me feel even more ashamed because she must think I need it when I don't. Oh well...

I would go ahead and take it. She wouldn't have scheduled u if she didnt think you would benifit from an extra session and she wouldn't have scheduled it during lunch if she didn't care about you a lot don't feel guilty. Her job is to be available to help you. Let her I think if u are having any hesitation, then it's a good thing u scheduled and extra appointment. I don't think it's a waste of money or time. And so what it your not in crisis mode? I think it will give you reassurance that it will all be ok.

skysblue, it's nice to "see" you again here though I'm sorry you're feeling "dumb". My feeling is that if you thought you needed an extra session, then don't second guess yourself. For whatever reason, you wanted it, so just do it and see what happens. Maybe you need this time to process and prepare for the upcoming event. Your T won't look down on you for scheduling the session. She'll just see at as something you needed to do for yourself, and won't analyze how much you needed to do it, or if you changed your mind, or what.

On the other hand, Ts don't care if we are "wishy/washy". Plus, you shouldn't be concerned as to "how you look" to your T. So if you really want to cancel, then do it. My gut feeling is that you should keep the appointment, but I'm not you and can't make that decision for you. Good luck whatever you decide.

Well, extra session is tomorrow so too late to cancel. AND, she replied by text on Saturday about one other thing and Sunday to confirm appointment. I feel like I've already taken from her some of her private time so it's almost like I feel I owe her. I know I don't in reality but it's how I feel.

Funny how I will sometimes go to her other office which is a whopping 20 minutes away to drive. Normally I drive 2 minutes to get to her closer office.

sky use this time to talk about why you texted on Saturday, in the event those feelings do come back you will be prepared.

yeah, you're right. The emotion of fear had bubbled up again a slight bit. It had been a very big experience in January that changed the course of the rest of the year. I guess I'm scared of experiencing that level of fear again. But it's subsided and I think it's under control. But, yes, feeling like I'll be prepared if I get ambushed by those feelings will probably make me feel better. So, maybe I don't need to feel too dumb.

sky , if it makes you feel better. I have done the same thing, ill freakout ask for an extra session...then regret it. Rarely do my freak outs and sessions coincide, the important thing is you reached out and T was there. An extra session cant hurt.

Yes no need to feel dumb, Therapy doesn't come with a manual and if its supposed too, my T has some explaining to do.

I guess it is similar to making an appointment with the doctor because you feel pain but when you get to office, there is no sign of any symptoms and you feel like an idiot.

So, if I show up to session all cool and collected and cannot find that emotionally sensitive place and just chat with her nonchalantly and intellectually, I will feel like the boy who cried wolf.

the difference being that the pain may be gone, but the wound is still there...talk about that. No speak of being dumb, ok.. (((sky)))

Isn't that something? My T is very good to me and always suggests that I don't add judgment words to my feelings. And here I do it again - "dumb".

Thanks, Lola, for the reminder.

And, funny thing is - now that I'm discussing this on PC, that fear I experienced a bit on Saturday is showing its face again. So, yeah, good that I'm seeing T. I only have 3 weeks to prepare for that event PLUS another big thing going on in my life.

full circle huh? we are here if you need us, hope you have a fruitful session.

I used to have a terrible time when T went on vacation but now I can easily go a couple of weeks or more without seeing her. I got the strength to manage on my own. What I'm facing in October is that I will be in Asia for a month with no ability to access support by her or by anyone else I know. Knowing I'll be completely alone in regards to emotional support brings up some of that old fear. I KNOW I'm much better and I KNOW I'll be o.k. but having memories of my old fears of not being able to contact her hints that I could experience those scary feelings again. In January I cancelled my trip because I had a meltdown but back then we didn't know why. Just last week it finally came to me what was going on for me emotionally.

No contact as in no email etc? Maybe have T handwrite you an inspirational note to carry with you?

Nope, no email, no telephone, no texting - nothing immediate. Only snail mail. Yeah, I've thought of asking T for something to take with me but I don't want to put her out. Hoping she'll offer on her own.

I think you should ask, better then Not asking and getting nothing. Youll kick yourself later. Im sure T will underatand, maybe take a pic with T on phone ?

Too scared of hearing 'no'.

Sky, I think it is great you asked for and got the extra session and that while you are feeling a bit calmer it's a good time to talk to your T about what is going on in a few weeks. Maybe you can process things then that would be harder if you were overly stressed; or use it to talk about other things; one of those ... show up and see what happens times rather than a sky has got the script prewritten times I hope it goes well - and the three week time event as well

I typically don't condone sneakiness...but snap a photo on your phone. Does your T have a website with a pic? You can take the pic from there. I am sure your T will understand wanting to hold onto a connection. Its better to ask and get no then to never ask and never know.

Tigergirl - boy, do you have my number. Yeah, I like to be well organized and have a focused goal when I enter session. Being without my 'script' makes me feel uneasy. Thanks for reminding me that it's not only o.k. but can make a session fruitful if I approach it without so much planning.