Early in therapy, I asked my therapist how she felt about the whole 'touch' thing. She said she did not 'touch' (hug/hold hands). That it was just what she was comfortable with.

In our last session, it came up that she had (indeed) hugged/held hands with clients. I was shocked! It upset me so bad that I could not even stay focused to finish the session.

She asked me why I was so upset. She said that she did not 'initiate' hugs, but that if a client hugged her after a very difficult or enlightening session, that she was okay with that. She said that she would not reject a client who might do that. Of course, she did say she still has some boundaries about it.

I feel like I am a leper or something. Like I am too gross or disgusting for her to touch. In the past two and a half years, I have never touched her in any way. Not even brushed up against each other. It has been such a taboo thing, that I have become parnoid about it.

This is bothering me to no end. I hate her right now. I feel like she lied to me. I know she didn't and that when I asked her about the whole touch thing, that was early in my therapy. There have been many times that I was completely distraught and she did nothing but stare at me. Yes, she talked to me, but not once has she 'touched' me in anyway to console me.

I actually would freak out if she even sat by me on the couch. Why? because of all the therapy talk about 'touch' and how its some kind of major boundary that you do not cross. Like you will be struck by lightening if you do.

This has upset me so bad that I never want to see her again. I know that it is totally irrational to think like this and the way I am reacting is ridiculous. Why do I care!!

It's not irrational at all squiggle. You feel cheated and lied to, like t didn't want to touch you or hug you! I am sure what she said is correct and true, maybe she has different rules for different clients, like the client who was abused, they would probably not initiate touch or not appreciate touch! I can understand t having boundaries but please understand this is about t not you! You are not disgusting or gross, just t has strict boundaries in place for her own safety and needs!
I think maybe you should bring this up with t and say how it made you feel, she might be able to shed some light on why she only touches certain clients and why she has her boundaries in. Place! (hugs)

No, I understand why you'd react that way. It took me AGES to directly ask my T if I could have a hug, because it's one of those things that there's this huge fear of rejection around, 'what if she doesn't want to? Why would anyone want to hug ME?' My T doesn't initiate hugs either, but I hated the idea of having to ask.. in the end I kind of got around it by asking (in writing ) if we could hug goodbye at the end of sessions, and she said yes, so now at the end of sessions she offers. There are times during sessions that I've broken down and been crying my eyes out - and my T just sits there watching as well.. I think most therapists do.. I think there's something about if they offer such comfort at such times it interferes with the process? Perhaps your T would hug you goodbye after session if you asked, even if she doesn't offer hugs in time of distress? I think it's important to talk with her and establish just what her boundaries are, then you can be clear. Understandably, you feel mislead, but it could be a misunderstanding of sorts. I know it feels personal, but it won't be at all. You're not disgusting or a leper. Maybe her boundaries have adapted over time, perhaps she acts differently depending on what she thinks a client needs/what is best for them.. perhaps occasional hugs are okay depending on circumstance, but she isn't comfortable with routine contact? They all have their own ideas. So important to talk it out, I think, and to tell her just how much this has upset you, too.

[CantExplain]

When I say, "I hate you", I generally mean, "You don't love me enough."

[autotelica]

If you don't mind sharing, how'd you find out that she actually hugs other people?

I would be sad too. I actually think I'd be more confused than sad, but sad would definitely be in the mix.

Originally Posted by autotelica

If you don't mind sharing, how'd you find out that she actually hugs other people?

I would be sad too. I actually think I'd be more confused than sad, but sad would definitely be in the mix.

We were talking about the fact that I am not from a 'huggy' family. I asked her if she was a 'huggy' type person. She said, "It depends." Then I asked her what she would do if a client that was 'huggy' just automatically hugged her after a session. She said, "That's happened and its okay. I am not going to tell them, No"

This is what sent me into a downward spiral. I had just gotten the impression that 'hugs were a no-no with her'. I mean, that's what she said when I asked her earlier in our relationship.

I don't think she would deny me a hug if I initiated it. She would be fine with it. But I wouldn't. Not now! Remember.....I hate her! I feel betrayed right now. I have no idea why this is bothering me so much. I am sure there is some hidden reason for it.

[ECHOES]

Squiggle, I can relate so much to everything you said. My T told me the same thing, that if she thought hugs, etc would be therapeutic, then she would, but she doesn't. Then another time when it came up again, she said that if a client inititated a hug, she was not going to refuse. I have considered initiating, for example when she was gone out of the country recently for 2 weeks, but I feel like it wouldn't feel good in the end, because I feel like she would oblige me, but that it wouldn't be meaningful. It would be like, "Well, if you insist.". And I won't.

for you, though!

[TayQuincy]

Squiggle, you are not a leper! I think I cared more about hugs when I thought I couldn't have one, that they were forbidden. After she hugged me once, I no longer cared much about them. I think talking about it might be helpful, just to get clarification on her boundaries. I felt like a leper until i found out that it wasnt true at all. My T isn't touchy-feely, so hugging isn't initiated by her, but we talked about it and she did hug me.

This therapeutic relationship is so strange! I think if I saw her in a different setting, I may not have a problem "hugging" her. But in therapy, No Way! I do not think I could do that. Maybe one day.

I am currently seeing her twice weekly because I have taken a leave of absence from my job for awhile. My next appointment is Monday. I am sure she will want to talk about this. I don't!

[Asiablue]

I would feel very rejected if i'd been in this situation too. I would feel exactly as you do.

I think when the therapeutic relationship is new, therapists stick to their boundaries until they get to know the client better and they can relax the boundaries as time goes on. Sounds to me like she doesn't initiate it with any clients but isn't adverse to hugs if the clients wants it.

I think touch is a minefield for therapist because every client reacts differently to it. But i do know that her not hugging you isn't about you being untouchable even tho i totally get why you feel that way.

We actually have a great relationship. I've been with her for 2 years and 7 months. Its just that when we are 'in' a session things are different than they would be 'outside' of a session. Does that make sense?

[Dreamy01]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I'd be really upset too if my T gave the impression she didn't allow hugs/touch and then it transpired she had contact with some clients. For me, it wouldn't matter whether it was initated by the client or her, it's still contact if T has allowed it. It sounds like you've been given completely different explanations and I hope your T can realise this and own how it has affected you. Maybe this could lead into a discussion of how contact can be managed between you, if that's what you want. T has a right to her boundaries re touch but you have a right to say what you feel about all this and what you've been told.

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I'd be really upset too if my T gave the impression she didn't allow hugs/touch and then it transpired she had contact with some clients. For me, it wouldn't matter whether it was initated by the client or her, it's still contact if T has allowed it. It sounds like you've been given completely different explanations and I hope your T can realise this and own how it has affected you. Maybe this could lead into a discussion of how contact can be managed between you, if that's what you want. T has a right to her boundaries re touch but you have a right to say what you feel about all this and what you've been told.

I think an underlying 'issue' here is something about myself. The fact that I feel rejected. Rejection and abandonment are two of the major issues I battle with in therapy. She is not rejecting me, but I 'perceive' her actions as rejection.

The fact is that I have never asked her for a hug. I have never asked her to hold my hand. I haven't initiated anything like that. I come across as a 'non-huggy' person. This would automatically send her a message that I am not comfortable with touch.

She would probably be fine if we 'hugged' at the end of each session, as long as I initiated it. But I am not like that. I do hug people, but not just to hug for no reason. I am not a 'greeter hugger'.

[autotelica]

Kudos to you for having insight on this.

It sounds like your therapist and you may actually view hugs the same way--that they're okay, but you're not comfortable enough with them to initiate. When you have two people like this, I suppose things get awkward. Neither of you really wants to do it, but once you're doing it it's fine.

Your therapist is probably often thrust into situations where people assume she likes giving hugs just because she's *supposed* to, as a therapist. So when you asked her how she felt, she didn't hold back. Probably thinking that you were on the same wavelength and her "confession" would give you a sense of relief.