I walked out of my session

I finally met with the new T again (I was waiting on money and insurance, then I felt like I wanted a break). I had an informal meeting where we talked for quite awhile and one full session before today. I had been having trouble with missing my old T a lot, and I also know there are much deeper issues I need to work on. After about a month of trying to take a break from the weekly therapy stuff, I reached out to a previous T (saw from 2007-2008) to avoid bothering more recent T again (saw from 2010-2012). She had some good suggestions and encouraged me to work on my stuff in therapy (duh). I made an appt with a different T and then canceled before deciding to see the one I had one session with here.

As soon as I walked in, I had tears in my eyes due to grad school stress (I feel so stupid lately). When the T asked how I've been, I just broke down and cried. I was super anxious and couldn't breathe right and kept crying. The T was nice enough and tried to give me space, offered to help with some somatic experiencing thing (reason my last T recommended her) which I shook my head "no" to, and I finally got out that I didn't want to be there. She said it's fine if I go, it's fine if I stay, and that she understood that I felt the desire to do both. I managed to anxiously cry in there for another 10-15 min, super conflicted about staying. I know I need help, I know two of my previous therapists really think I should work on my issues in therapy, and I know I can't do it by myself, but I also have no idea how anyone could possibly help. Then I just got up and said I wanted to go and did. I've felt the urge before with my last T, but never actually did it. The problem wasn't the T at all, it was all me. I don't think I can do this anymore and I feel so hopeless.

I think it's okay to walk out sometimes when you need to and go back a little later as soon as you're up to trying again. (At least in your situation that seems like a reasonable thing to do.)

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much right now. Your t sounds great, that she would allow you to do that. I think you have come this far, that you should push on. I know it is discouraging sometimes, but I really do think that your t can help you. Let her the idea that you stayed for 10-15 min contemplating to go or stay means that you haven't given up hope yet. Think of that. Take a deep breath. And close your eyes and plunge. One thing I was taught was that you may not always have the mental ability to do something. But sometimes, if you just do it, your body mechanics snap into it, and kick start your brain and get you motivated again.

Thanks. I just don't understand what a therapist could possibly do to help me at this point. I've realized recently that I have no real goals. I have stuff I'm working towards just to put up a front for others, but I don't want to actually DO anything. I'm sick of school (7 years of higher education and counting), I don't want a job (nothing appeals to me), I just want to disappear. I really hope for an early ending sometimes. All I have going for me is I'm kinda intelligent, except I couldn't finish my last graduate program and now I already feel so stupid in this new one and I'm taking two of my classes with undergrads (they're 400 level courses) and still suck. My professor seemed to think his first exam was super easy and I only managed a C. I just dread the rest of my program (should take 3 yrs), but I need something to help me get some kind of job and not be such a useless failure. A therapist can't help with that and none of the previous ones have helped with my anxiety and attachment issues, bc they're as bad as ever. I only stayed as long as I did because I knew my old T's really think I should be in therapy to address this stuff, but I don't see the point anymore. And I feel like I huge baby for being such a mess when my problems are nothing compared to so many others.

You're not a baby. It sounds like you are depressed... A t can help u work on that. Whatevee the underlying issue is, that has to be fixed before anything else can get better. It sounds like you are a bit overwhelmed with school at te moment. Can u take less classes? Or figure out a way to make it less stressful for the time being?

And even though I was a freakin' mess in the room, once I left I stopped crying and was breathing normally by the time I made it to the end of the (empty) hallway. It's obviously my problem that I break down with therapists, but I'm completely fine, if a bit sensitive, in front of others. Why couldn't I calm down in the totally non-threatening, no-pressure therapy room?

As for goals, it sounds like you should sit down with your t to talk about those. Sometimes having a clear idea of where your headed can be a motivation in itself.

I'm on a fellowship and have to take 4 classes, but don't have to work for the stipend which is nice. I actually do worse with less to do (I took 1-2 classes each of the last 3 semesters and had so much trouble). I'm planning to go to office hours, except I don't even know what to ask I'm so lost :/

Maybe you don't truly feel trusting of your t. You already said that you don't think shell be able to help you. Maybe you aren't used to being vulnerable, having someone listen to you, etc. relationships aren't made in an instant. And the same goes for the client/t one... Give it some time...

Whats office hours?

Professors typically have certain hours each week that they are in their office and students can drop-in for assistance, guidance, etc.

I've actually always been able to been fairly open from the get-go with Ts, though certain things take longer to share. I hate the vulnerability and don't want to get close to another T though. And I guess I don't see how I can be helped.

I walked out of my session 2 weeks ago, after 15 minutes, and I've been seeing my T for about 18 months, and I've had 5 years of therapy before this. I just felt like I didn't want to be there, that my T couldn't help me, so I think I get at least part of what you are experiencing.

I went back last week. I thought about canceling, I thought about just not showing up, I thought about calling the receptionist and having her switch me to one of the other 20 T's that work in that practice, and I thought-- and said-- when I got there, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about last week or not. He said, as he always does, that it's my choice.

So I used the session to talk about the things in my life that I couldn't walk away from, the things I could, and learning how to tell the difference. I also realized that while I'm comfortable with silence, I don't like silence that follows after me talking. I don't care for how I put something out there, and then I get nothing back. I know that he is trying to give me space to talk if I need to, but I'm feeling like I want more back from him. So I started saying "what?" after his silences and damned by the time that the session ended, he started speeding up his responding.

I would say that I agree with you-- I don't see how I can be helped. I'm going through something that is really challenging me, physically and emotionally, and shaking up my world in very unpredictable ways. But I am interested to see what it will be like when I'm on the other side, when I've worked through this. I don't know if you are saying that you are hopeless-- that's a different kind of not knowing how you can be helped. But if you just can't see how to get to the other side-- I don't think that's necessary for healing. For me it's like standing on the edge of a cliff looking across some expanse of water to a foreign land on the other side. Too far to jump, too steep to climb down, water looks too scary to swim across.

You just have to want to get there, or be interested in what it's like over there.

Thanks so much for your reply. I'm kinda in my head right now and not sure what to say yet. But I do appreciate you sharing how you can relate.

that is why you feel like you cant be helped. u wont be able to really make a ton of progress without some level of trust with t. think of t as your partner in all of this. she can help if you are willing to work with her, and let her be there for you. it takes time, but when you guys finally "click" is when the magic begins to happen. I know this from personal experience. the vulnerability sucks, but if you let her prove that she will stick with ya through it all, then it will be worth it.