Adult Attachment

I have been reading up on attachment styles because I struggle with some issues around this related to my relationship with my father. I have been experiencing some very painful feelings around this and was very surprised last week when I found myself wanting to distance myself from T. I know I am projecting past junk onto her, but internally, I feel like a war is going on within me. My T just called and has to go out of town on a family emergency, so this gives me some time to process on my own. I was wondering if anyone else is working on this issue and if so, how are you helping yourself? It is not fun at all but I know I need to do the work... Thanks!

My therapist leaves after Wednesday, so I have no clue as to what I will be doing. I have no idea if it will affect me or not since I've only seen him three times. I really don't want to feel this way, it's embarrassing. I'll continue to wear the mask I wear to seem okay to others and continue to do whatever it is I'm expected to do. Maybe I'll have more ideas later.

I have some severe attachment issues and can understand the painful feelings you have been experiencing. I personally try to tolerate as much as I can and have a clear contingency of what to do when I lack the skills needed to contain what I am feeling at the time. (It's embarrassing to say, but I often am not able to contain it) Attachment feelings can be very powerful. This means I and T have established what kind of contact is ok so that there aren't any surprises.

I have gone through cycles of push/pull with my T stemming from fear of attachment and the intimacy of the therapeutic relationship. If you can, try to be open with her regarding your different states because chances are you may cycle back from the distancing to needing more reassurance. Also she will be better able to help and support you if you can let her know how you are feeling from week to week or in between.

Until this past week I was doing homework assignments to help, but I think I am pulling away at this time, because this week I have only done my morning daily activity. My relationship with my T has changed so I am sure this is part of processing those changes. You're right it is not all fun and Attachment issues are intense to work through, but they can be. The main thing is to keep going to T and stay committed to your wellness. Self soothing helps as well, but sometimes it is not enough. Don't be too hard on yourself and remember to give yourself a break every now and again.

I have never been attached to anyone but it sounds to me like it is a very tough thing if you are!! Sounds gut wrenching! And very complicated too.

You just continue going to therapy & talking about the difficult feelings. I've been working on them for 9yrs with this therapist & it's all bearable now. But I do remember how painful it once was and how I felt choked by them. There is no easy solution. One just has to go through them. But it's well worth it.

I agree, keep working with your therapist and being open with her with what is going on with you and you will work through this. Keep us posted?

I never worked on "adult" attachment since there was so much junk coming from my regular, previous/childhood psychology and makeup that I was actually working on. I think it is too hard and unnecessary to parse where and what kind of "attachment" one has to T versus to parent versus to friend or spouse, etc. We learned/learn how to relate to others as we are growing up and through our life span and just recognizing that relationship with X person isn't what we'd like or seems messed up because of previous assumptions and learning was enough for me.

I believe there's a lot of built-in stuff that isn't good or bad, just is. My relationship with my husband feels, in may ways, like my relationship with my father to me; both men are/were warm, kind, loving, thoughtful, intelligent, etc. and I'm quite sure I was attracted to my husband in part because of my relationship with my father. Were there difficulties with my relationship with my father? Of course. Are there difficulties with my relationship with my husband? Of course. But the men are not the same men (anymore than I am the same woman I was 20-40 years ago) and that is what therapy has helped me with; the differentiation and the living in "now" instead of intellectualizing or getting hung up in any sort of transference.

I never worked on "adult" attachment since there was so much junk coming from my regular, previous/childhood psychology and makeup that I was actually working on.

Adult attachment IS how we as adults express the way we learned to attach to our caregivers as infants.

I think it is too hard and unnecessary to parse where and what kind of "attachment" one has to T versus to parent versus to friend or spouse, etc.

If a person does attach to their T it will be with the same attachment one experienced with their initial caregivers. We continue attachment patterns in all of our relationships. Experiencing this through the therapeutic relationship is a way to correct insecure attachment styles that make all personal relationships difficult for the person who suffers this. Examining this and the feelings associated with it, is not a way to "parse" as you put it.

We learned/learn how to relate to others as we are growing up and through our life span and just recognizing that relationship with X person isn't what we'd like or seems messed up because of previous assumptions and learning was enough for me.

I am glad that this was enough for you, however I think you may lack an understanding of how devastating and debilitating having disorganized or preoccupied attachment issues can be for an individual working to heal this and their personal relationships.

Ibelieve there's a lot of built-in stuff that isn't good or bad, just is. My relationship with my husband feels, in may ways, like my relationship with my father to me; both men are/were warm, kind, loving, thoughtful, intelligent, etc. and I'm quite sure I was attracted to my husband in part because of my relationship with my father. Were there difficulties with my relationship with my father? Of course. Are there difficulties with my relationship with my husband? Of course. But the men are not the same men (anymore than I am the same woman I was 20-40 years ago) and that is what therapy has helped me with; the differentiation and the living in "now" instead of intellectualizing or getting hung up in any sort of transference.

I know that the experience of myself and some of the responders to this thread goes way beyond the "difficulties" you mention. These are issues once again that can be simply devastating to the individual suffering and trying to heal from this. Your statement of "getting hung up on transference" comes across as minimizing and a little flippant. I hope you don't take offense as I am sure you are well intended. The feelings associated with severe attachment issues are not ones that can be intellectualized. Though the person may know fully what is happening on an intellectual level, correction occurs only through experiencing healthy attachment and the process of building the healthy attachment to the T activates all of the insecure attachment systems in the individual. It can be a tsunami of emotion that at times is impossible to contain during the early stages of this process. I just don't think you were speaking about the same thing. As BAF described it can be like a war waging within and takes a tremendous amount of work, courage, and support to stay in the battle.

Yes, it can be very intense and unless you have experienced these painful feelings, it may be hard to understand. I am happy for the folks who may not need to deal with this. I spent 30 minutes on my basement floor last night crying and crying - it all goes back to my primary attachments. It did not matter that my adult self knew I was not being abandoned, that wounded child within me was in terrible pain. Eventually I felt better, but it is hard. It matters enough to me to keep working on it...

Butterflies,
Amen! It is SOOOOOOOOO painful, it hurts so much knowing that someone you trust wasn't truthful and wasn't trustworthy. I am feeling the pain now, whereas I felt empty and desolate earlier. Now I feel the pain of my xT terminating me, the pain of never seeing him again, the pain of thinking he is happy that I'm gone, and the pain of realizing most of this is transference but having no connect to work with. The pain is earthshattering, invasive, and threatens to annihalate every shred of my being. All of this pain, and xT doesn't care if I'm dead or alive. It is so painful. There will never be words that can express this. I don't think I'm helping much tonight Sending positive thoughts your way . . . we all need to try to hang in there somehow Take care

Hi phychicbaby,

I have been really attached to my therapist, and I am so suprised I felt this way. I not been able to see him for a while, and I am hoping to see him soon. But scared also, as to how he feels about how I have felt attached to him. I think it has to do with alot of rejection in my life from my parents. I also feel, that my husband is someone I depend on alot, and sometimes, when he gives me too much advice, I have said.."okay Dad" or "your not my Dad!" just writing this down now, is showing me something!

I am able to say, I understand how painful this is after experiencing it myself. So hope everyone all the best of luck in moving on through this in a healthy way.

I wish I did not have to deal with this... I do not want to give up but it can be hard when the emotions "take over" - I try to use DBT so I do not get flooded and am sometimes mad that I cannot stay in my adult self like "everyone else".
How long does this type of work take? Thanks for the support and I am reaching out to everyone else!