I've had depression my entire adult life and I've seen a handful of therapists over the years. Several were quite forgettable. One guy was creepy. Dr Ruth was really great (motherly, understanding, compassionate). One dude was too old school and pathologized everything (made me feel sick).

Then I met J. He was different somehow. He was great. He was just so normal. So down-to-earth! I could talk to him. All of a sudden everything opened up for me and I actually talked for the first time ever about... the stuff I never talk about. And then that stuff wasn't so horrible or scary anymore! Isn't that exactly how therapy is supposed to work? It was great. He helped me tremendously. He changed my life. (In a way, I even met my fiancé because of him). I felt so incredibly grateful to have finally found the right therapist for me. I felt like I had someone who understood me. I wasn't alone anymore.

But then I had to go and **** it up. I don't know why. In January I restarted taking some anti-depressants I had been on before but something went wrong and they made me suicidal. I was in so much pain. I was desperate. I said some horrible things to him. I apologized but it did no good. He told me he couldn't help me anymore: I needed another kind of therapy that he wasn't trained in called DBT. So after two and a half years, that's it. It's done. Best therapist relationship of my life over, just like that. And I'm devastated.

Now I have a new therapist. He's like the last one: easy to talk to, friendly, down-to-earth. but I'm scared. I'm telling him all this deeply personal stuff now because I'm so desperate. I'm setting myself up to be hurt again I know! but I'm hurting so much now I'm willing to undergo future pain for short-term relief now. I'm telling myself that I won't let it happen again. I won't let myself develop feelings for this new person. But c'mon. Is that realistic? Do I really think I can go see him every week and tell him all this deeply personal **** and expect NOT to feel a ****ing thing??

Why am I doing this to myself? Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean think about it: we're sitting there talking to these people who LOOK like friends and ACT like friends and TALK like friends BUT THEY AREN'T OUR FRIENDS. They can leave at any time and break our hearts BECAUSE TO THEM IT WASN'T FRIENDSHIP AT ALL. It was just... business.

I wish someone would just shoot me before I fall in love again.

[Mike_J]

I think in a lot of ways it is a recipe for heart break. I know when I stop seeing my therapist I will be devastated. But knowing that doesn't mean that therapy isn't worth it. Therapy is a painful process, and the eventual separation for whatever reason is going to be painful if you are with a therapist you really connect with.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I've had a few friends over the years who have just dumped me. Hasn't everyone?

I think therapy is just like "real life" in that way. Your spouse can leave you (so can your adult children), family members can stop talking to you or ignore you, friends can dump you, you can be fired without cause. All of these things involve someone you trust breaking that trust.

I don't think my T is my friend, no matter how easy she is to talk to. It is so one sided-- she does talk at times about her, but we aren't sharing in a reciprocal like I do with family and friends-- that I can't consider it a friendship.

But because it's business, it is a T's responsibility to act in your best interest, and that might mean honestly assessing their skills and being unable to help, which would mean that the ethically responsible thing to do is to refer you elsewhere. I understand that this can hurt, but wouldn't it hurt more to learn that your therapist kept taking your money and your time even though she believes she wasn't helping and couldn't help you?

[anilam]

IDK... For me T is not my fried, nor is he my mother/father, my lover, my doctor, my enemy...
He is my T. I had to come up with a new relationship category for him and it has new rules too. Sometimes I like him, sometimes I hate him but I still keep coming back cause I'm not finished yet. When I will be, I will stop seeing him and it won't break my heart.
I think it hurts you soo bad because you haven't completed you therapy. Honestly I don't think Ts should transfer their clients after working with them for two plus years just for the reason you've mentioned.
It is just too hurtfull for the client.

Take good care- some ADs really can mess with your head and they don't work for everybody. So just please be careful and talk to your pdoc about it.

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by anilam

Sometimes I like him, sometimes I hate him but I still keep coming back cause I'm not finished yet.

i like this!!!! therap is hard, SO hard. it pushes and pulls and drags and throws and you just want to kick its *****! but you keep going cause you know you're not done.....there's still work to do.

[sconnie892]

lostinDC - I am sorry you are struggling with this right now. Do you think you can talk with your t about these feelings?

I am struggling with letting t in on the deep emotional parts of me because every time I've done that in RL I've been hurt or left. It's difficult. Some things that I find helpful in processing this: Even though I may form an emotional bond with t, she is not my friend. I don't pay my friends by the hour. I also try to keep the final goal in mind: that eventually I won't need t anymore. That can be very difficult - especially when I feel like t is the only one who will ever understand me. But in reality, that is the goal of my therapy. T is there to help me work through the issues to reach the goal of getting healthy and moving on.

[geez]

(((lostinDC))) I know exactly what you are saying as I am going through something similar. I miss my old T (it was my choice to move on as I needed someone else who specialized in trauma - my old T said her door is always open).

My new T is nice, down to earth etc.. but I'm not sure there is a 'click'. I'm not sure if not 'clicking' is me being defensive about becoming attached to new T. - I think to some degree that may be true. Also I miss old T and I touched on it lightly in my last session ( I kind of fibbed a bit as to what level of importance my old T had in my life).

I am having a hard time balancing making myself vulnerable with new T to do the work in combo with not wanting to make myself vulnerable for fear of potentially having feelings for new T. In my head I tell myself: "This is all business".

PM me anytime if you'd like. I feel your angst!

Originally Posted by struggling2

...it pushes and pulls and drags and throws and you just want to kick its *****!

Boy ain't that the ever-lovin' truth! So perfect how you worded that.

[elliemay]

Money may change hands, but it certainly isn't a business relationship, for either party.

It's hard to imagine that your therapist feels the same way about you that your dry cleaner or plumber does. Good therapists, and it sounds like you have one, engage in our lives - certainly what we tell them about our lives.

No, it's not a friendship. Frankly, it's unlike any other relationship I have ever had.

It's hard to realize that we are not going to get all that we want with the relationship with our therapists. There is no "Paris in the spring" in the future. Ever. It's so disappointing.

I think it is important to realize instead that the relationship is good enough - good enough to help us do what we want to do. Help ourselves.

It's like swimming in the ocean really. Get too close to the shore and you get battered by the waves. The key is to go deeper, out past the breakers where you can float, but not get swept away.

What helped me to try to focus on my feelings rather than his. It felt good the way I felt about my therapist. It is what it is, no doubt, AND it felt pleasant.

It takes discipline, but allowing this feeling to exist, just as it was, was very very healing. It emanated from me, and in no small way, was a miracle. I still had the capacity to love. I had forgotten that I could do that.

I really do think if you can stick with it, these feelings of disappointment resolve into something that is good.

[stopdog]

I believe it is a business situation which is not a bad thing. But the client does hire them for a specific reason. And once that job has been accomplished, the therapist is no longer needed.

[Sannah]

A lot of good responses already. I'm so glad that you had that therapist for 2 and 1/2 years and that he helped you so much.

I'm also glad that you found another good therapist.

These are good things.

I can also see how you would need to mourn the loss of your good therapist.

You can do this! Maybe you should discuss your last therapist with the new therapist so that you can mourn this properly and then you will be ready to begin anew.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe you should discuss your last therapist with the new therapist so that you can mourn this properly and then you will be ready to begin anew.

I agree with Sannah. Talking about your feelings of loss with your new T will help you move past it. I talk about my old T with my current T a lot; I especially did in the beginning, since I really, really missed him. That waned for a while and then when my mom died, my longing for T1 reared up again.

It did feel a bit odd talking to T about my previous T and I told him that. he said he didn't mind at all - if it was on my mind, he wanted to hear about it. He helped me through and continues to do so.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I think it is important to realize instead that the relationship is good enough - good enough to help us do what we want to do. Help ourselves.

It's like swimming in the ocean really. Get too close to the shore and you get battered by the waves. The key is to go deeper, out past the breakers where you can float, but not get swept away.

What helped me to try to focus on my feelings rather than his. It felt good the way I felt about my therapist. It is what it is, no doubt, AND it felt pleasant.

It takes discipline, but allowing this feeling to exist, just as it was, was very very healing...

and I like the ocean imagery. altho I only ever swim in a pool. but as I was learning to swim these past ten years, the more I practiced, the denser the water became, it seemed, and the better it held me up - which was a completely subjective experience. very weird.

[nicoleflynn]

In my case the "job was accomplished." It was a business situation.......when it was over, I stayed with my t because I fell in love with him. THose feelings have not changed in 7 years. He knows all about it. I told him that I would rather be in pain WITH him (than in pain) without him.

That is the scary thing about LIFE.....if we are vuleranable we can be hurt.

If we are closed off, we miss a lot.

I have chosen to be open and vuleranable.....as a "Highly Sensitive" person (we make up only 20% of the population, I have read), it is terribly difficult...to live in a world which is basically. NOT.....sensitive.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

In my case the "job was accomplished." It was a business situation.......when it was over, I stayed with my t because I fell in love with him. THose feelings have not changed in 7 years. He knows all about it. I told him that I would rather be in pain WITH him (than in pain) without him.

That is the scary thing about LIFE.....if we are vuleranable we can be hurt.

If we are closed off, we miss a lot.

I have chosen to be open and vuleranable.....as a "Highly Sensitive" person (we make up only 20% of the population, I have read), it is terribly difficult...to live in a world which is basically. NOT.....sensitive.

I agree so much with this post. I sometimes think that more sensitive people are drawn to therapy in a way....It is a good place to be able to let our guards down because (at least the hope is) the therapist is also a fairly sensitive person.

I do think that we can also be hurt if we are not open, though, right? Or is there a lesser chance? Is it better to just open up ....anyway? Is being open its own reward, in a sense....? Or am I just rationalizing that away?

Wow, thanks for all the great responses y'all. @Nicoleflynn I'm a highly sensitive person too. I agree it's extremely hard in this world!

To others, I have told him (T1) about how I felt about him; we didn't get a chance to discuss it. I was in the middle of having a bad reaction to the meds and got suicidal and then I was in the hospital and by the time I came out, he was pretty much gone. He used to be super friendly and familiar with me and had given me his number when I was suicidal and I texted him (I know I shouldn't have) but when I came out of the hospital he was cold as ice. He didn't respond and then eventually he said he couldn't help me anymore. I haven't seen him since.

I've told the new T about him too. He said he doesn't see why I can't just go talk to T1 again and get some closure. I said because T1 doesn't want to see me anymore and I don't want to stalk the dude!

Then last week, after not contacting him for several weeks I wrote T1 to ask for a copy of his notes about me or at least his diagnosis. He said he would not discuss it over email but if I'd like to come in for one last session it would give us the chance to have the closure we didn't get to have before.

I told him I was too embarrassed to face him.

This whole thing is stupid. Can't we just forget the past couple of months and go back to him just being my therapist?? I told him I'd do the DBT thing in addition to seeing him. I want to see him again (well, I kinda want to see him again and I'm kinda mortified at the thought of seeing him again).

I went in for the DBT evaluation thing today and I told that T (T3 now) that I didn't see how it was possible for me to sit in front of someone for years who looks like a friend and acts like a friend but IS NOT A FRIEND and I'm supposed to tell my heart NOT to love them, NOT to care about them, NOT to want to know them and be close to them. I'm sorry but I just can't do that. My heart is simple-minded; it doesn't understand.

I just think that therapists should not just leave us. He was like a father-figure for me and the last thing I need is to be abandoned AGAIN by a father. This just was NOT helpful at all.

[lostin08]

My t always says to me that she would never just make the decision by herself. Our relationship has two people in it not just one. I would have said something to him. That to me is just cruel!

[OrphanOfDestiny]

Originally Posted by Anonymous32474

I've had depression my entire adult life and I've seen a handful of therapists over the years. Several were quite forgettable. One guy was creepy. Dr Ruth was really great (motherly, understanding, compassionate). One dude was too old school and pathologized everything (made me feel sick).

Then I met J. He was different somehow. He was great. He was just so normal. So down-to-earth! I could talk to him. All of a sudden everything opened up for me and I actually talked for the first time ever about... the stuff I never talk about. And then that stuff wasn't so horrible or scary anymore! Isn't that exactly how therapy is supposed to work? It was great. He helped me tremendously. He changed my life. (In a way, I even met my fiancé because of him). I felt so incredibly grateful to have finally found the right therapist for me. I felt like I had someone who understood me. I wasn't alone anymore.

But then I had to go and **** it up. I don't know why. In January I restarted taking some anti-depressants I had been on before but something went wrong and they made me suicidal. I was in so much pain. I was desperate. I said some horrible things to him. I apologized but it did no good. He told me he couldn't help me anymore: I needed another kind of therapy that he wasn't trained in called DBT. So after two and a half years, that's it. It's done. Best therapist relationship of my life over, just like that. And I'm devastated.

Now I have a new therapist. He's like the last one: easy to talk to, friendly, down-to-earth. but I'm scared. I'm telling him all this deeply personal stuff now because I'm so desperate. I'm setting myself up to be hurt again I know! but I'm hurting so much now I'm willing to undergo future pain for short-term relief now. I'm telling myself that I won't let it happen again. I won't let myself develop feelings for this new person. But c'mon. Is that realistic? Do I really think I can go see him every week and tell him all this deeply personal **** and expect NOT to feel a ****ing thing??

Why am I doing this to myself? Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean think about it: we're sitting there talking to these people who LOOK like friends and ACT like friends and TALK like friends BUT THEY AREN'T OUR FRIENDS. They can leave at any time and break our hearts BECAUSE TO THEM IT WASN'T FRIENDSHIP AT ALL. It was just... business.

I wish someone would just shoot me before I fall in love again.

I completely understand how you feel. I adore my therapist. I feel very attached. Idk how to compartmentalize our relationship and I feel like I should end therapy with her on my own terms so it doesn't end traumatically.
Did you actually go back for the last session? If so. How did it go?