My session last Tuesday

When I had my session last week, I was taking a break from PC, but here's how my session went:

First, I told T that I was having an issue with safe places; work in particular. She told me that the actions of one person shouldn't ruin my entire work experience. I understood that and told her that part of the problem was that my boss was gone for so long (out 1.5 weeks due to the death of his FIL) and because I was on vacation last week, I'm still had not seen him. I told her that once I make face-to-face contact with him, I'll feel better. [Note: I saw him today and everything is just fine.]

Secondly, I said I'd sent her an email related to the previous session asking her opinion related to my self-perception of acting "pathetic". She said she read it and didn't answer it. She asked me why I thought she didn't answer. I said that either she wanted to wait until today to talk about it or at it wasn't worth answering. She said neither was true; what was important for me to know was that what she thinks shouldn't matter. I asked about using her as a barometer. She said she wasn't an accurate barometer because as a therapist, she doesn't judge others and their actions, especially in the therapy room. I paralleled this with my own career; I don't judge my own clients. She asked me why I judged myself more harshly than others. I said it's what I do. We discussed this for a while...the main point saying that I should show myself some grace.

Thirdly, I told her I had difficulty doing the shame exercises in the Brene Brown book and I thought it was because there were certain places I actually had no shame in. She told me of one of the areas that she has shame in (it was so cool that she shared this). She said for her, motherhood and parenting aren't areas of shame for her because she is done raising her kids. Her biological daughter is the youngest and she's in her mid-20's. She said one of her shame areas is aging. She identified "old" and "irrelevant" as two of her unwanted identities. She defined "irrelevant" as "no longer useful to society". She gave the example of the WWII generation. They tend to be in their 80's and 90's now (as her parents would be if they were living now). She said when she sees that generation talking to younger generations, the younger generation reacts like: "Oh, you grew up during the depression? You were in WWII? So did everybody else your age, what's so special about that?" You can almost hear their eyes rolling. T is in her mid-50's and is starting to fear being treated the same way in the next couple of decades. We decided that I need to finish reading the book before completing the exercises. They make more sense once the context is understood.

Finally, the last thing that turned out to be the most healing of all and I know I'll be writing this in detail because I still can't believe it happened.

We got to the point where we were done, T said, "See you Friday, enjoy your vacation, bye!" I kept standing there. She looked up from checking her phone and said, "What?" I said I wanted to ask her something. She said okay. I kept standing there. She stared at me and started smiling. She said, "What you want to ask me?" I looked at her, then looked down the hall and said, "I should just go." I kept standing there. She said, "Seriously, if you want to tell me, you have to tell me now; I have to be somewhere at 5:30." I said, "It's hard because I have shame in this area." She said, "That's okay." I looked down the hall, looked back at T, hid behind my hair, then behind my book. Then I gathered up all the courage within me and said very softly while still looking down, "May I have a longer hug?" The next thing I knew, she threw her arms around me, squeezed me harder than she ever has before and didn't. let. go. She patted me on the back and said softly, "It's okay." She still didn't let go. I said, "I'm sorry." She held me even harder and said, "Don't apologize." I said, "You are patting me on the back, that's like tapping out." I felt her body slack and she said, "I'm patting you because I want you to know this is okay." She kind of nuzzled my head with hers. She still didn't let go. I said again, "I'm sorry." She said, "Don't apologize. The only time that an apology is appropriate is when you are doing something wrong...and you. have. done. nothing. wrong!!" She was still hugging me the whole time. I tried to pull away 3-4 times and she wouldn't let me. After a minute or two, she let me end the hug. I said, "I'm going to my car to cry now." She said, "That's okay too. All of this was okay."

Thank God the receptionist came up right at that moment, so I could get away without saying anything else...but that was the first time I believed it was okay to want her to hold me. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel untouchable. You see, from last November through this March, T would give me long hugs (@ 30 sec). Then she stated that she was no longer going to do that because she realized it was a block. She was right; it stopped my progress back then. What I didn't realize was that when T said she wasn't going to hold me anymore, I unconsciously perceived that she didn't want to touch me. Now I know it wasn't true. Also, apparently I've made enough progress that T didn't think it would cause me a block. That is very satisfying for me to know.

T had to cancel my appointment Friday because her daughter was having surgery (must have been very short notice because I didn't get the call from the receptionist until Thursday). I will see her again tomorrow.

Chopin, that's a beautiful story. I'm truly moved. If I were able to cry , I would. I wish my T would hold me We have talked indirectly about this in the past, and she always seemes to make me think that it's wrong for me to crave that from her. We are both straight females (T is 40 and I'm 25), but she sexualizes me wanting to be held by a female mother figure. She says it's inappropriate. She says that a 25 year old female should want a male to hold them in a romantic type of relationship. She reinforces the fact that I feel untouchable.

I'm a bisexual female, age 35 and she is a straight female, age 55. Anytime my desire for maternal (non-sexual) touch from a female has come up in conversation (since March), she has told me that most likely I will not find anyone willing to do that. She has been very careful to say that there is nothing wrong with wanting it. She has also reassured me that the reason she stopped hugging me for longer than 5 seconds had nothing to do with her being uncomfortable holding me. She's said she is a "touchy" individual who has had friends tell her to stop touching them.

I understand exactly what you want and I want to reinforce that there is nothing wrong with it. Your T may be uncomfortable with it, however. I don't think it has anything to do with you.

I will say I think that it was a spontaneous act on my T's part for whatever reason. I don't know if it will ever happen again.

You seem to be in very good hands Chopin, you have an awesome T. And how brave of you to ask for a longer hug.

Bamapsych i'm sorry your T seems to think that you should only want hugs from men at your age WTF? Romantic intimacy and maternal intimacy/love (if that's the right term) are two very different things, especially if you were touch deprived as a child. She should know that.

I told her that I think of her and my exT as mother figures. Somehow she relates this to being sexual/romantic in nature. About 3 months ago, I started a new relationship with a guy. He is very touchy. Almost from the start we have been physically/erotically intimate. Even when he holds me in a non-sexual way, I'm still not satisfied.

Chopin, awesome T moment. (I'm completely jealous.) I hope you can hang on to that for a long, long time.

Bama, I believe your T is what a friend of mine would call a "douche canoe." I have no idea what that means, but it seems to fit at this moment. (And I don't exactly mean it, cause I know you have great moments with your T. Still...that just seems less than OK on a number of fronts.)

But back to Chopin...that's fantastic! Can I give my T your T's number?

She told you what you should want? Alarming.

I hope she it wrong. Everyone needs a mother. (In my humble opinion.)

Sounds like she's reading too much Freud!

Congratulations. That's good to hear.

That's...disturbing? Sometimes the whole point of a hug is for it to be safe and NON SEXUAL. Maternal hugs are right up that ally and significant other hugs are not always... that is such an odd thing for her to say.

I love this!

No! I'm not sharing!!

Just kidding...I'd like to refer everybody to her!

Bama, if your therapist doesn't like to touch, she should just say so. Pathologizing your desire to cover her own insecurities is just wrong.

I hate to think of what she tells clients who don't have a sex drive but still want to show affection.

I told her that I have some mother figures in my life and that I want them to sit and hold me. I'm unable to cry and I told her that if anyone ever did this that all the walls would probably break. She said, "At your age, who do you think you're supposed to get that from?" We were both silent for what seemed like eternity. Then she said, "A man is who you are supposed to get that." I then assured her that it wasn't a romantic type of thing, but I don't feel like she believed me. I felt so dirty after that.

I can't seem to talk about touch without her directing it towards herself. She reverts back to this statement: "That would land me in court!" I'm sitting there thinking, "Did I say YOU?"

She sounds very insecure about her own boundaries.

Bamapsych,

I have to voice my disagreement with your t also. I have a strong desire to be held my a mother figure, and it absolutely has nothing at all to do with eroticism! For me, it's a completely separate thing. It has something to do with being safe, cared about, and perhaps protected.

I know some people do feel erotic in connection with maternal hugs or holding, but certainly not everybody responds that way.

PS - My hubby and I also are very physically affectionate, and it does not "fill" the same need as for maternal hugs.

I am always amazed at how much detail you remember from your appointments.

1. It would only land her in court if you reported her as touching you inappropriately.
2. I'm starting to dislike your T. Douche canoe fits.
3. There's nothing wrong with what you want.

That's why I try to write about my appointments ASAP afterward. I wrote this soon after, but chose not to post until yesterday.

I don't think I remember this much detail from the woman's office to my car 20 feet away. Does writing about it in detail help you process the process?

Thank you so much. This explanation fits me exactly. It cannot be said any better.

Yup. I don't do it for s**ts and giggles or attention. It helps me remember. Then I post so others can point out things that I may have missed or to see other viewpoints.

I was not criticizing. Just wondering. My experience is that I always am foggy about the appointment.

sd, are you starting to see that you're in your own untouchable world? said the pot to the kettle.

to bama - boy. your t sounds like my brother, everything is about sex. maybe I lean over too much the other way, to asexual, but neither extreme is good I think.

[quote=Chopin99;2691302]1. It would only land her in court if you reported her as touching you inappropriately.
2. I'm starting to dislike your T. Douche canoe fits.
3. There's nothing wrong with what you want.quote]

It makes me feel like I have to trust her, but she don't trust me at all. She cannot model what it means to be vunerable.

Even if a T has a major violation, most clients can't even report it much less actually go through with the court process because of the guilt involved and other mental/emotional/economical/etc factors.

I like my T very much and we do alot of good work together. This is just one of those things where she is horribly wrong. I think it has to do with something that she hasn't worked out in her own life. Intellectually I know that it's her problem, but I still have the thoughts of it being a personal issue she has with me.