Termigeddon

I thought I was over termination until I found out I wasn't.

TERMIGEDDON

I wonder if I get thrown into the abyss for 1,000 years. I've been here for over two months. I only have 999 years and 10 months to go.

((((((((((((((((antimatter))))))))))))))))))

Oh gosh. I'm totally stealing "termigeddon" !

Is it possible to go back and say, "I need more termination"?

lolol, I LOVE it

I asked for more termination, lol, and my t said, Termination is Termination. Maybe after 500 years or so he might change his mind

Since I have such a fragmented ego, if any at all, this is why I am having such a difficult time getting over termination.

I can't ground myself retroactivelly. I can't figure out what my own emotions were at the time about me, if I was even there.

I can't figure out whether to a) flog myself for being so childish, helpless, enmeshed, and such a loser OR b) accept that I will be one of the four horsemen, get on my horse since I am the antichrist and spread hate, discontent, and dependency, helplessness, and childishness all around the world.

I want to know what my xT now thinks of me (far from thinking the world of me I suspect). It shouldn't matter, but it does.

The reason I want to know this is not because I am so enmeshed that I really need to know his opinion of me, it is moreso the fact that I am not whole and that I would like to know if he will corroborate the feelings I have for myself (self-hatred, disgust, neediness - puke).

It's like I can't figure this one out myself. Because of all that has gone on, all of my rage and anger spewed outward and in, and feeling disoriented most of the time during termigeddon (this includes termination AND the termination phase) has left me with nothing but a question mark where my ego is supposed to be. I get that I need to decide this for myself. This is why I'm so much in a panic. I'm terrified that he will align with the part of me that hates myself, although I can't say that I think he will.

I'm not fully able to explain this, it sounds obtuse and absurd. These are just ramblings, they are the start of me figuring out how to word this to fully express it, but I have a lOOOOOOOOOOOOOOng way to go. I have ALOT of time in this abyss.

This makes so so so much sense to me. It's only as I get distance from the Hell that was this winter that I can kind of almost catch a glimpse of what the reality was. Of course, I have my T still, sort of helping me process it, although HE was so lost that he's kind of floundering too.

I think sometimes things are so hard that even people who seem to actually have these really integrated egos (like my T) can't even figure out what's going on.

You will find your way out of this. You ARE finding your way out of this. Even saying "My ego is fragmented" is the beginning of figuring out who you are, really.

Thanks nightsky. It is so good to hear that you are doing okay.

It's so painful to watch others go through such pain, but my gosh does it suck to be going through it yourself. I'm not sure if my T relationship is repairable, so I might be joining you soon!

We can only hope to get to a place where we can create our own peace with things. I know that with unfinished business in my life with people who have already passed away, I imagine that there is no closure. My T wants me at some point to do some empty chair work where I can create an outcome, to help me with closure. Ultimately, it's up to us to create the peace that we need around an issue. It's really a matter of choice. We can choose to continue in chaos, or we can choose another path.

Naturally, there's a lot of work in between all of that...My T tells me that when I get tired of doing it one way that is obviously not working for me, then I may be more willing to try his way. LOL

I have said this before, and I'm not meaning to pound you over the head with it or anything.

But even if your xT was the best therapist in the world, sometimes even their substantial skills are not enough to be able to work with and help certain clients.

c) Because it's not about you. It's about his inability to be able to help you, which was probably super frustrating to him. In the best case scenario, which I believe is likely, he felt that you would be better cared for by someone else. Which then transforms termination away from a rejection of you towards a product of his assessment that he wasn't good for you. It seems to me that it was less about him sending you away and more about him sending you towards somebody who would be better for you.

One of the lingering effects from abuse and neglect in childhood is that we think everything is about us-- every word directed our way, every action in our vicinity-- but the reality is that very little of how others treat us is about us. You can be a perfect client and still be terminated by your T. You can be the worst client in the world and say in therapy for decades with the same T. Not about the client, about the T and her/his ability to work with said client.

Keep talking about this, here, wherever, with your new T. It is not stupid or obtuse or any other negative level you want to use to beat yourself up with. What happened to you with your former T deserves your attention. It's obviously going to get your attention anyway, so why not your positive attention. You've been hurt. You're trying to get over it.

I just wish you could let yourself off the hook, and offer yourself a fraction of the tenderness and support you give to others.

very good advice indeed. thanks

Thanks for your reply, MUE. I don't know how to choose peace at the point I am now. Sometimes I feel it, most times now I don't. LOL - on what your T tells you I love that!

Thanks so much!

Anne, I think some of what you say is true about my xT, that he wanted me to go to someone who had the skills to help me. I lack a true, strong sense of self. It is like I am a conglomeration of everyone around me. I am hypervigilant most of the time, I think it is a defense mechanism, but it makes me feel paranoid, and if anyone says/does anything that triggers me, I am flooded with emotion and it is so, so hard to remove myself from the flood. It is so, so difficult to feel so much when another says/does something that is triggering, my emotions flood my brain and the ability to think. So, that is one reason why, when I am triggered, that I think it was meant for me, because how could it not be if I feel so much pain or whatever strong emotion. Interestingly, like, if at work someone says, the people you work with complement you frequently, I don't believe it. I think that person is just saying that for no reason. It the person said that those people dislike me, etc., I will viscerally believe it. I need to change this, but this is me for now.

I don't see myself as others see me (as I am told). I don't feel like I give any tenderness to anyone or help. I know that I do, but I don't feel like I do. My emotions and intellect are pitted against each other and I need to work on this.

You talk about my T and that it was probably more about him than me. I think you might be right, but a part of me can't believe that. I know that this is transference now, though. I know that I felt like T manipulated me to serve himself, I know that I felt like he had issues that really hurt me, and I know that I feel that he is SO glad I'm gone. BUT I also know that I felt all of this about people in my past. So, I feel like I am reliving something from my past and how I felt as a child but I'm not sure what it is. I did experience transference with xT, and am now seeing it a bit more clearly. So, I don't think this is much about xT, although it is a little. It's only when people are angry, upset, disappointed, that I think it is about me, whether it is or not. I'm trying to put my experience into words, but I still feel like I have a way to go.

You ask why not be positive toward myself. Good question. I can't. I feel as if I let myself just be, and not tighten every muscle in my body that I can, and feel peace and happiness, I feel as if anyone can and will hurt me. My anger and rage keep my body in an intense stance waiting for "something wicked this way comes." I think if I am angry/enraged enough, that I then dissociate, become numb, and don't care. It is serving some kind of function that I don't know if I can fully discern.

I am trying. I am making mistakes I think. Getting my feelings out has helped the most. I think my T can help me with all of this, but I think I had to feel it, experience it (the anger), and express it before it will dissipate. So, my negativity is more like a defense if that makes sense. A totally irrational defense, I know. Thanks for being so insightful

I hear ya, Anti.....And I struggle with the same thing. T says that I'm "not there yet"....And that I'll know when I'm ready....It seems as though we have to go through the motions of what we know and exhaust ourselves before we give in to trying something different. Choosing happiness and acceptance sounds SO logical....humans aren't always logical. LOL

Thanks MUE It's so frustrating, isn't it? I do believe we will make it, whether we are logical or illogical Take care