Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

As are you

Dear FM,

Thanks for responding to my emails tonight re - my feelings about the forum tonight:

F.M: Well, I'm pretty confident that you are not going to let yourself get dragged under - and so whatever pieces sanity and support you can bring to the process would not be wasted.

Me: No way will I be dragged down. I'm solid - well, getting there. I'm good.

F.M: Just as I expected

Me: Thank you for today. I love you.

F.M:Love you too. I still feel a wonderful glow inside from your story of the little "student of the week".

FM, you have my heart!

GTGT

Dear FM,

I found myself sucked in, and pull back pretty quickly. You're right. It's not my responsibility to take the whole world on.

We'll talk.

GTGT

I wish there could be rewind buttons on sessions and that I'd somehow learn what not to do and how not to react between one rewind and then the replay.

Dear FM

Coming in for some refueling. I let myself get stirred up, a little bit that it affected my sleep tonight.

I know it's okay, we'll work it out, and get me back on track.

I am tempted to send you a text asking why you're ignoring me but I know that will only upset me as I have never been nasty to you.

Maybe it is because I can't see you while I am in crisis that you're not answering me, I feel that you don't care.

Will I or won't I though?

Thank u for spending so much time on the phone with me, on ur vacation. Thank u for listening and not invalidating my feelings. Thank u for not saying "I told u so" or "take your meds". Thank u thank u thank u

is she allowed to text tink?

Yeah tigergirl she is allowed to text as she has done before, I only asked her a question this was 3 days ago. I know that I will regret if I get angry with her so best not to say anything on the other hand I sometimes act on impulse.

I don't know what I would do or where I would be without u. I miss u. I am happy that you are getting a break tho, because I sense the renewed change in attitude on the phone already. I can't wait to see you.

I just sent you the most overwrought email I've ever written to anyone ever. I apologize for its excesses, but just know that everything in it is 100% true and needs to be expressed. I know I feel better having written it. Please read it.

My first "This is too complex to handle in email" response. Wonderful.

I am freaking out over something small and stupid. I feel pushed to the edge. I can't even deal with small details in life. How can I ever learn to deal with larger issues? I am so STUPID!!!!!! I HATE me.

Dear FM,

Thank you for seeing me today. I am glad to know that your arms are always outstretched to comfort me when I need it. Some people have spouses, SO,family, and unknown friends on PC. I don't have that kind of support. I was a little thrown by all the negativity last night, and you helped me land on my feet.

I know you want me to stay off the forum as the holidays come up, because of all the SI, struggling lonely people, etc. and the depressive mood on PC. You want me to be fully present in the life I do have, interacting with people I do know. You asked me more than once why I continue to be involved in something that hurts me, and you feel I have gotten know benefit from. I'd like to put that out as a thread, but I'm sure few will tell their answer. Anyway, well look at the forum together on Monday and well continue to look at skills, tools to manage the holidays.

I'm glad I feel wanted by you.

Love,

Valerie

GTGT,
I am struggling with the same issue about PC. I like it for the most part, and I think the people here are wonderful. However, I have difficulty with some specific aspects that I know aren't good for me. I'm happy you are doing well in therapy

Dear T,
I am doing okay. I am going to take D out to see the movie, Lincoln, because she loves history and I've heard the movie is good! The blood doctor is supposed to call either Monday or Tuesday, and my PCP said they will get me in within two weeks. I don't now what it is, but I know since the beginning of September over a year ago, I haven't felt right physically. I had to take off from work because of being triggered, but also because my brain wouldn't function as well and my memory was shot. When I took my therapy vacation in May or so, I was in so much physical (and mental) pain that I seriously could hardly walk. I then went to a rheumatologist who said it might be fibromyalgia, which is psychosomatic. I know I was stressed and I believe that cortisol that is released when one is stressed causes all of the inflammation. Since then, on and off, I've felt kind of the same, but no where near the intensity. I went to the doctor then, and my platelets were high in the middle of that. Now I have joint and muscular pain, and my elbows really hurt lately. I don't really know what is wrong, but I think fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis are possibilities if I pair the labs with how I feel. It could be something else, though, too. That being said, I'm not letting all of this unground me, when I first got the labs it was kind of scary, but now I'm okay. I have a difficult time mentally and physically knowing what is real or what is just perceived by me?
Lately, my mind/organizational skills have been nil. I have relied on my H to help me because I can't remember much of anything. I don't know what to think. I need to keep myself calm and reduce any stressors right now because I know, whatever it is, that stress makes me feel physically worse. I've already learned to cope with whatever this is, but I am always so tired. I come home after work and sleep, but was too embarrassed to tell you this. Some days I do things after school, but mostly I don't. It helps me to write all of this out, even though I know you don't read it.
Anyway, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Dear T,

Ahh... where to begin? I have no idea how to organize my thoughts before my session. Trying to decide if winging it is a good idea or not.

Dear T,

I'm in a mess on "my forum" again. Please help me to stop posting or deal with it. PLEASE. I need your help. I also have a lot to talk about, like how I manipulate and use people. Do you think I'm hopeless? I feel very depressed right now and I haven't eaten breakfast yet. I'm in a terrible place right now.

Love,
rainbow

how the heck do i get out of my own way!?!?

That could be a worthwhile experiment if you've never done it before.

isn't THAT the million dollar question!

1 more day till i see you! yayyy!

Not seeing you this week is throwing my sense of time off so badly right now. I'd call you on the day I usually see you, but it'd be the day before thanksgiving and I feel that it'd be rude and unneeded. Maybe I'll call you friday but by then it'd be too late because the awkward "visiting bf's step-dad and family" situation will mostly be over. Urgghhh.

I finally felt like we connected (just a teeny tiny bit--not a lot) on Friday. You understood what I was saying and you validated me and my experience. Thank you!

I know I am probably one of your more difficult clients to work with and I don't know why you put up with me. Thank you!

I don't like it when you lean forward in your chair.

sometimes I zone out in sessions and completely miss what you said and so i can't respond back

Dear FM,

I was on the forum early this AM, and I'm signing off after I write this message to you. I will probably call you later to say good night.

As I read the forum today, I remembered the principle you taught me; the Peter, Paul , Peter principle, and it is so true. And yes I will not use the forum when I am on vacation. I'm making a pact with myself, not with you. I just wish I hadn't given up being a news junky. Maybe, I'll try knitting again, and books on tape. Three weeks is a long time. Since when do they give kids three weeks of vacation.

Holiday Travel preparation:

I already talked to my long time friend, and she is willing to hold/hug me if I need it. I am going to talk to my dad and mom about my dad holding me too. I will also talk to my SIL, and my lil brother if I meet up with him. The asking is the hard part, and I've already asked my friend. And she was quite fine with it, and was not weirded out by the request. I can't wait until this holding need lessons. Yes, I know it has decreased some. Just sometimes, I wish this need that I have never got named.

I'm not feeling guilty any more for all my needs and most of my wants being met in therapy. I know you just responded to a touch thread in your forum, and I'm glad the discussion is happening.

I love you FM.

GTGT