Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear T,
I'm hurting and feel very much alone. And I tried to talk about that today and instead I said that I'm feeling better. Which is also true, but in another sense. I guess I'm confused. I would like your help when I try to untangle my thoughts.
Also, on Thursday I will ask you about what you said last week which I was too chicken to ask about today. But... I don't know how I will do it.

I ruined things again

Dear T. Forgive me for being a pathetic idiot.

Yay! 9 minutes till I see u

Dear T,

I feel like such a sniveling little child when I miss you. Like I do now. Why am I not better at containing this **** by now? Seriously.

I guess I feel like a scared child too, if I'm honest with myself. I hate this ****.

Thank you for understanding my email and for being so easy-going about my request. If you were angry about it, at least you didn't show it. It was a relief.

Thank you for being my therapist. This year I have done some wonderful things. I went solo camping. I bought a nice car that I still can't believe is mine. I'm living in a house and not a crappy apartment. And I saw the Lion King! Most of these things were the result of your presence in my life. I have shared them with you before anyone else.

I wanted to make sustained eye contact with you yesterday and say, "Thank you so much for being my therapist." But I forgot and didn't do it. I think I will send you an email on Thanksgiving, though.

T thank you for your voicemail...you always sound so happy and I love the sound of your voice, even though you are usually eating something lol

Dear T,

I didn't promise not to post on PC at all, just not to start a thread about my session. I will stick to that and write a little here, as this thread is safe. I have to find a middle ground with PC, as with everything. I am going to try journaling more like you suggested, also.

I know you wanted to do SE but I felt like I had to discuss my feelings about last week. I know you didn't mean to make me feel ashamed or embarrassed but thanks for apologizing anyway. Thank you for saying that most people are bisexual. I never heard that before. You eased my mind somewhat that when I do feel those feelings, it's okay. Maybe I didn't feel them last week, but I wasn't comfortable. I agree. The touching stirred me up no matter what word we call it.

I think you understand a little better why I like therapy so much. When I don't feel the intensity, it's not as good but I still feel the intimacy. I wish I had that with ___, as you know. I will try what you suggest I say to him.

Thank you for your endless patience when I ask the same question over and over. I think I finally believe that you won't take holding your hand away from me!

You understand the swirling of stuff that goes in my head. You say SE is going to help with that. I believe you.

Love,
rainbow

P.S. I forgot to ask if it's still okay to love you. I'm sure you'll say "yes".

Dear Universal T (previous T, current T, Philip Bromberg, Jon Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Piaget, Carl Rogers, Erik Erickson, et al.):

I am thankful for you. The world wouldn't be the same without your contributions.

I agree.

I am so hurt right now. I was excited for nothing. Not wanting to go back.

I was going thinking about hugging u on your birthday. Or mine. Well that's out the window my walls are too high up to hug u next week. Sry. And u are gonna miss my birthday. So... maybe that's why I am so sad. I had a reason to look forward to my birthday this yr. because I was going to see u. And now I won't.

I am afraid. I am lonely. I am worried. About me. About u. About our whole therapy in general. My walls are up. My barriers are high. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to shut down. I want to argue with u. I want to be nice and gentle with u because u are going through your own things. I want to fight u because u make me so angry and upset.

I tried to sleep but I am worried. I am catastrophizing the outcome of my appointment with the hematologist. They got me in tomorrow, they said I was lucky because someone cancelled. What if my PCP didn't want to scare me and underplayed my lab results? What if someone didn't cancel? Any attempts to ground myself haven't lasted long. This is not helping me. I need to keep busy until I can sleep.

Dear FM,

Thanks for calling me back to process my not to good feelings about parts of group therapy. When she compared my drinking green ice tea to her giving homeopathy drugs to clients during group as being the same triggers, I was ready to be done. We'll process more on Monday.

I did three volunteer gigs today, and have three more tomorrow. I did four hours at the kingager's school. It was good to give back.

The young women that you think is cool and really admire on PC has befriended me.

I am very tired now, and will go from 8:30 A.M. To 9:30 P.M. tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving.

GTGT

wow! thanks!

dear T,

you emailed me back, that was kind. And I am going to take your suggestion.

Antimatter, how are you today?

Dear T,

Last night I soothed myself to sleep with thoughts of calling and cancelling the rest of my scheduled sessions. I won't actually do this, because I realize how self-destructive and immature it is. But thinking about it helped me feel better. I want to push you away. I realize this means that I definitely need help, because that's certainly an interesting coping mechanism.

(((SAWE))) - thanks for asking!

I just got back from the hematologist. They took blood, and lots of it! I feel drained literally I guess, and am nauseated. The guy taking my blood did a really good job, he said, "See, it wasn't so bad? I have a gift. You're welcome, lolol. So, I then said thank you He said, whoa, the nonverbal language, I can tell you weren't looking forward to this I'm not to bad about getting blood taken, but I still had a bruise where I had it taken days ago. Anyway.

I left the hematologist feeling like I didn't communicate well, and was frustrated. She told me she would see me in 2-3 weeks and would call if something was wrong. I asked when she would call me (because I wanted to know a timeline) because I would be stressed about it. She said, okay you can come back in 10 days then. I reiterated that I just wanted to know, so she said 10 days. I don't want to go back in 10 days if I don't need to, I just wanted maybe her to call me either way when the results came in. I can't explain it, but I didn't feel like she undersood what I was saying. I guess I am used to my PCP, who understands, and so does her nurse. So, I ended up getting an appt. in I guess 3 weeks because she was booked. If my bloodwork is okay, I really don't care.

Now, last night I was worried something was really wrong. I am now worried that nothing will show up in the bloodwork, thus making it a psychological issue. I KNOW that something isn't right with me, I will say that it might be psychosomatic, resulting from stress, but that means that even though it starts in the brain, when cortisol is released, it has a negative effect physically. I'm actually afraid that nothing will be wrong. I feel like I have a low grade flu on and off, my top half of my brain feels like all of the neural pathways are blocked. It feels like I have a steel, too small hat on. I want to feel better, and I need to find out what is wrong. If my results come back perfect, I am going to feel lost.

I see my Pdoc soon. I will talk to her about this. I feel like my amygdala has no off switch. I'm not freaking out, just kind of over it all. Thanks for letting me vent.

t,

i see you again. i want this all to done with. why do things always happen at the most inconvenient times? but then again, with me, there is nvr a good time. i should give you more credit. you try as best you can. im sure that im not an easy client to work with. thank you for doing ur best. i really do luv you no matter what i say to you or act like. please know that.

its almost thanksgiving. i just want to let you know how thankful i am for you. you hav changed my life so much. you hav taught me so many valuable things that i will hav for the rest of my life. i love you like a friend, a mother i nvr had, a mentor. i didn't think i would be able to love someone like that again, after what happened before. but you proved me wrong. as much as you confuse me, anger me, make me anxious, i luv you and i always will. no relationship is perfect. what makes ours perfect is the imperfection of it all. i should be thankful for that and stop thinking about all the negatives. thank you

Try to keep in perspective. I suspect having surgery isn't particularly "convenient" for your T either. I also know having surgery is pretty danged stressful, tiring, and probably somewhat painful for your T. Comparatively, your end may be emotionally uncomfortable, but I'd guess you wouldn't trade places with her right now. Inconvenient, okay, but this too shall pass.

Dear FM,

n Wed, Nov 21, 2012 at 7:53 AM, wrote:
I'm regressing in my head conversations to you - whiny, little kid voice. Why? I hate it. I've been past that stage for a couple of months now. I know it's spiraling around, but why now?

The need to be held gets to be to much. I can quiet the want, though not the need - blah! Lets go into the New Year having finished this phase. Deal?

Dear GTGT,

It's a deal.

As to the why now? Couple of possibilities. 1) The interaction with the group leader, and her need to force you to blame it all on mother (i.e. be a whiny little kid). 2) Interaction with dad - separating you from him i.e. it's not about me. While this may seem like a small thing, it is in fact a huge step emotionally. So, the system reacts and tries to re-establish what it has known/what is familiar.

Stay focused as much as you can on the positives - let the sunshine in. And, remember that no matter how much you slip you will recover, and far more quickly than previously.

Remember, whiny little kid is looking for reassurance, comfort, etc. See if you can give her that - do not reject her just because she is being whiny. She needs unconditional love. Reach out to her, draw her in, hold her. When she feels safe again she will stop whining.

***2) Dad asked me to call him. Time difference would have required me to call him at 1:00 A.M. My judgement said call tomorrow. I did not follow orders. Bad daughter. No, it was not about him.

FM, I'm having a splendid day, yesterday too, despite the above. Unfortunately, i had neck and shoulder that was excruciatingly painful last night. I know this physical pain is really how I am processing the group. Dad stuff doesn't seem to be the issue. Despite the physical pain this is the best emotional Thanksgiving I've ever had. YEA for me!

I am thankful for:

My loving son

My parents, brothers and their families

My little students

All that I have

And you FM, because you helped me open my eyes to see that I have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving

Love,

GTGT








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i feel very disconnected from you. very.

how much do i matter to you ... i mean... really. how much do any of your clients matter to you. and yes... i am asking ... but i really don't care to know. it doesn't really matter.