Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear T,

Thank you for offering me extra support at the moment.
Thank you for believing in me.

Dear t, i'm feeling confused and sad and i think i'm about to admit that yes part of me is pi$$ed off that you moved away and still wants weekly sessions. The rest of me is telling that part to shut the he|| up because I am just FINE thankyouverymuch with every other week and all you care about is getting the $$ anyway so why should I care at all. Whatever. I kinda hate you at the moment, just fyi.

Dear SW,

I wish you would have asked what was wrong when I called. I told you I wasn't feeling well mentally and you didn't say anything and that made me even more depressed. Just a little show of caring would have gone a long way. When we are in session, we mainly just talk like how I would talk to my friend or my parents. Never really serious stuff. I get this nagging feeling that you are unsure of how to proceed with me and so you just let us talk about things like tv shows, etc and not talk about the big S in the room or any of the other things that I have. I know this is bad but I really wish my old SW was still around because she seemed to care a lot more. I will never tell you this for I am mostly a coward about being more stern with people so it is nice to get it off my chest here.

Also, to my PNP, I am sure you are a good person, I just don't know you like I knew my old PNP. My old PNP would take down the clock that kept clicking which would drive me up the wall when I was stressed. She understood what I was going through and I was heartbroken when both my old SW and PNP left. I really miss you guys and feel a bit lost actually.

Dear T:

What's the point? You can fill my slot With someone else in 5 minutes anyway. I'm too broken. Why keep trying. Actually getting better is just a pipe dream. Maybe just time to accept that this is as good as it gets and move on.

Dear T,

I don't know how to tell you it's over.

I am feeling very self destructive and very scared.

T,
I am having my Borderline emotions. I feel like destroying myself. I have such hatred for myself. I had to go to another appointment, I feel out of sorts because I am out of my routine. I was upset that you couldn't fit me in (feelings only), and now I dread going another week. I didn't think I was attached to you at all, I WAS WRONG. I hate myself for this more than you will ever know. This feeling of being inconsequential is monumental and is threatening to encompass me. I can't call you. You don't even know I'm struggling so much. Detaching is already going to be painful, and this sickens me. I am living inside of a monster and I can't escape. There is no more hope for me. I try to push forward, but it is time to stop playing games of I'm going to make it, and just face the reality that I am not. I can hate myself and I can make myself feel inconsequential on my own. At this point, hope is not warranted.

Got the letter today... It hurts me so much. I think u mean well. But everything you have done lately just makes it worse! First off, I hate Emerson. I hate that quote. It makes no sense. "what lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us". That is so not true! The things before and behind me are what got me to the point where I am now! (not a good place) what's inside is marginal... No one listens anyway and I am stuck in my own misery.

U ended with "you are a thinker, sometimes too much, but hey, no one is perfect." I already know that! I know all my faults every day of my life. You were my harbor... I knew that you would listen and help me with my thoughts. I thought that you believed that they actually meant something. You told me that you enjoyed listening to my thoughts. Now I know that u just think of it as another fault, an imperfection of mine. That hurts. That is a big blow to my trust in you.

I am so angry at you. Because it hurts. There was no aknowledging my how hard this has been. No words of "oh! You will make it..." or "hang in there, I know it's been hard." u didn't even sound like u. You sounded uninterested. U should have not written anything at all... I don't want to be something that you "have to do". And the way that letter came across sounded like that.

Go away.

Dear T, several peeps were talking about safety on another thread, and it woke something up in me...

sometimes you just don't feel safe. not safe=no talking

tomorrow i will either receive the "idiot call" reminding me of my appointment or else you will call and cancel...
i hope you call and cancel
if you don't....
i need something to happen. the last two session sucked!
my car is starting to get water stains from all the damn crying i do after i leave your office
i shouldn't feel so alone in your office...
i need someone on my side

I can't sleep, and I don't even want to. I need to try to separate this past trigger from the present, but you are nowhere to be found and I'm not allowed to call unless I follow a list that doesn't exist. I am afraid to call and cross a boundary because the last thing I want is a boundary discussion. I don't want to trust you anymore, or anybody for that matter. I'm not coming next Wednesday, because if I have to wait until then, I might as well extend it to forever. I feel inconsequential, and I hate it. I don't want to accept my emotions, I despise them. Be free.

Dr W ... You came through ---again.

I am just blown away.

Seriously. I don't even know how to handle such kindness. You have made me rethink everything. Is it even possible that the world is not such a crappy place after all????????

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

T,

It's a shame not to hear back from you again. After everything. Luckily I just feel numb.

Dear T,

I've been up since 3 am. My thoughts are running wild keeping me awake. I'm tired. Not sure how much more of me I want to share. You know too much already. Perhaps seeing you will bring me comfort again.

dear T,

I've thought about what Id like to talk about tomorrow, but I know when I explain it, it won't make sense. I don't want you to think I'm weird.
Also, I can't afford to see you twice a week, even though that's what you want.

Sorry.

Dear former T,

I wasted so much time, energy, and money on therapy with you and I am in the same miserable place where I started. I feel let down by you and am left still needing help, still struggling, yet damaged by our time together.

You are losing me. I didn't want to get lost. I can't help it. I just... am so lost. I feel like time in unraveling all that we have done together.

I wish you would send me a kind message, something to hold on to. I know you won't. Boundaries. Self care.

January seems a long time away, and I don't know if or how you will greet me. I don't know if I can dare to look forward to seeing you. I just wish I knew that you'll be there for me again. That you can be. That you want to be.

I feel so poisonous, toxic. Pathetic, too. I wish I didn't care about you at all. I wish I didn't miss you. I wish I hadn't set myself up for rejection, for being pushed away. I wish I still had some pride and dignity left.

T,

I'm pretty desperate to hear what's happening. I very seldom contact you outside of appointments. I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't important (you know that). Please reply to this second text. I've waited well over 24 hours to send another one. I don't want to be pestering you.

I've been trying so hard to do everything you've asked of me. Please let me know what's happening so I know where I stand. You've been so different lately, and I've been trying so hard.

Dear T,
Thank you so much for your kind, empathic call. I had a really difficult couple of days, but I worked through a ton of material based on our discussions about being enmeshed with my Mom. I now feel like I don't have to worry and stress about the therapeutical relationship and forgetting, so I can focus on my family and myself, and doing something normal this weekend. Thank u. Thank u.

T.

There are

no

words.

me

Dear T,

I was afraid of how tonights session would go but you stayed calm and in control in spite of my comments. You even said something nice about me. Thanks for that. It feels so good to be close to you again, especially after I almost gave up on us.

T,

Well I guess we're up to the weekend so I have no idea how to find out if everything is okay now. It's odd that you didn't reply to my third text either, given that I was facing a very scary, once off situation. Thought I was going to lose of of the most important things in my life.

So...I hope you've gone away again or something, out of cell phone reception...phone broken...or something. It's odd not to hear back after you said I could contact you like this and you'd get back to me if I could.

I hope everything is okay...I feel worried.

Thank you for calling me back. I was so scared to call you in the first place, but I was even more afraid what I might have done if I hadn't talked to you. When I told you I made a appointment to see pdoc for today, and you asked why, that made me doubt myself like I had done something wrong. I'm reaching out for help, which I thought is what you would want me to do. I can't handle everything that is going on right now. I really hope pdoc can give me something to help me through the holidays. I really don't want to end up in the hospital again.

T, I just realized yes there are words. 3 of them in fact.

I
am
done.

I feel a change happening and It may be a positive thing