Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Dear T,

I really need to call you and talk with you. But I'm scared. I'm scared of phones. I'm not sure what to say, how to say it, anything. But I know I need to talk to you tonight. I won't be able to make it until wednesday at this rate. I'm safe, but my anxiety is seeping into my dreams and so I can't even escape with sleep anymore.

dear T WE WON THE LAWSUIT
BUT NOW WHAT
im going to leave you

like i said i was...
long ago...
in this thread....


remember
?

Dear T,

I feel weird right now...I was hoping to hear from you about being able to have a session tomorrow but I didn't...so I'm sad. I feel like you are not as close to me as you used to be-I hate that feeling-even if it's not true. I feel like I've been a burden recently and annoying..and I'm sorry. Last session all I needed was for you to comfort me-that's it-and I resisted and i think it left you conflicted. Then I put you in a double bind situation (a lot) but guess what-I grew up with it-it's what I know. I'm sorry for the swarm of emails...please talk to me in some way tomorrow-I pray I might even get to see you. I know you care about me-and I know I'm hard to work with-please stick with me-but don't pull away in the process. I'm working on being able to tell you everything-there is a lot going on...and I'm struggling financially...stick with me please...I know you will. I pray for the day I'm in a better place-I'm working-I'm trying....

Things I wish I could ask u:

• How can u have enough energy and care for all of your patients? If u don't, how do u pick who needs it most?
• have I crossed your boundaries?
• am I wanted?
• am I lovable?
• do u care for me? Or just about me?
• are u angry at me?
• are u pushing me away?
• have u ever wished that I wasn't here?
• am I a lost cause?
• do u distance yourself on purpose?
• what's comes first- my needs or your needs?
• if I wasn't paying u, would u get rid of me?
• are u going to disappear after we are finished together?
• do u have favorites?
• what do I have to do to be a favorite?
• how come u make me feel so special and so insignificant at the same time?

I have so many questions that I know I will nvr ask u... So I will tell em here.

how do i trust you again?

What am I supposed to tell you? I have had too much stuff happen lately & I'm now totally drawing a blank.

Hug me. Pull me close. I wish u wouldn't be so careful. I'm ready. I want it. U are the only one here I trust. Please. Make me feel like I matter. U said that I can tell u. Well I'm giving u permission. Go!

Dear new T,
We've only had four sesions so far, but I really like you! It's so cool to find a place that both takes medicade and also has really good therapists working at it.
Thank you for listening so nonjudgmentally when I was upset last week, with my ride being late getting me to my APT, and just everything with the OT treatment plan built up. I apreciate so much that you didn't judge or question my reservations about the treatment plan, especially in the area of work. It was so hard for me to say that stuff about how I really feel about considering pursuing work right now, and not knowing if/ when I'll be ready. It's something I still have a hard time accepting, though I'm sure you'll keep telling me to be kind to myself.
I'm glad you let me e-mail you between sessions. I hope you won't be sorry about that after you read the ranbling e-mail I sent Friday night!
See you tomorrow at art therapy group.

Dear T,
I sometimes visit an online forum about psychotherapy. And people there talk about how they are convinced that their Ts care about them. Now, I respect you and I like you (as a T) and I want to keep working with you, so that's not an issue. But I struggle with this "caring" concept. Are all those people deluded? (Unlikely. In most cases their Ts have apparently told them they care.) Am I sabotaging for myself by wishing that you would actually care about me, and not just put on a front while I'm there? Why do I even care about it, as long as I feel that the therapy is doing something for me?
I am really struggling with this.
Apteryx

I dont know how to fill this hole I hav inside of me. I thought you could be the one to fix it. But now I realize that I can't put all of my issues on you. I dont hav anyone else though. I guess that I need to get closer to ppl in real life. But thats easier said than done. I feel like you are almost teasing me: you put yourself out there as such a great resource, and then when I lay on my issues on you, you let me know that you can't be the one to fix them? Im so confused.

Thanks for being honest when you admitted that I used to creep you out.

Dear T, feeling lost again... i don't think it has been too much time? so, wassup????

I'm so tired of these nightmares, T. I'm not even sure if I should bring this up to you because you were a big part of the worry during the dream/nightmare itself. I don't want you to feel like I'm obsessing or anything. I can't control what my dreams do. But I'm tired of nightmares. 2 in 3 days. This one was especially bad. I wish I saw you again before thanksgiving, after tomorrow. But I have so much to talk about.

Maybe I'll just leave you my dream journal over the week and you can read it at your own pace? It's not urgent. Just a big annoyance and sign that my anxiety is out of control...

Sometimes I hate having appointments on Thursdays. It seems like they are always cancelled for some reason or another. I miss seeing you regularly and I miss you too.

I wish I could ask you for a longer hug next time but I'm afraid too.

Dear FM,

You told me on Monday at Session that you would be away from 5:00 A.M. until whenever, you - didn't know how late you be returning. You told me this, because you have no cell phone if I need you, and you didn't want me to worry if I tried to reach you and you did not respond - like when a baby's mom goes away and he/she gets frantic. We both knew I would be okay. Though I didn't need you, thank you for caring for me like that. We're growing me up! It's happening so quickly, probably because of unlimited contact with you: unlimited sessions, emails, and phone calls. I thought you were joking when you said you were available 24/7. You weren't kidding. I'm glad I'm not your first adult client you've done attachment therapy with, and you've had past success.

I only sent two emails today, one about group to whine about being set off, and the other about going home for the holidays. I knew you were home when I got your first email response, "How nice that it is a choice - and as you know, it is not whether you go, but whether you go based on free choice. Good job." Thanks for helping me understand what free choice means. I used it when I called group leader this evening.

I'm glad we got to shoot the breeze in my first phone call. I love when we laugh and talk together, and I always love hearing your laugh, it brings me joy. I would hate it if we could only talk on the phone if I was in crisis. That must be very heavy load for a therapist to bare, only getting calls when clients are in dire straits. Your way makes since to me. In fact, it's very rear that I'm in crisis these days, and I know your happy for me. I'm happy for me,too.

Thanks for taking my second call about client internet stalking and setting me straight.

I will see you on Thursday and Sat for our next sessions. And...thank you for being there in between , every which way you can. As you have told me several times, not all clients need the exact same treatment from their therapist. And, you are giving me what I need. And, I am glad to know all your clients are welcome to email, and call.

I hope you see this.

Love you,

GTGT

I know we have a lot to talk about, T, but I can't even begin to sort out what's important and what's not. I have so much written down, I can't even think straight either. I wasn't feeling good still after my Dr appt, even though you called and did your best to help me..so I drew. I'm afraid to show you but I think it'd be important.

I hope you take my question about 2x a week sessions seriously...I really need it I feel.

Dear T,
really not a good time for you to call and tell me my scheduled appointment had been double-booked. Really really not. And I suspect you're prioritising a later booking over mine, which is your right. I'll deal. Question is, if I can deal, do I even need to go back to you?

I'm feeling very ashamed and embarrassed. I just want to hide from everyone and everything forever.

I'm having suicidal thoughts. It's probably another side effect of this damm drug, but it still represents failure.

Go for it! You can do it, and you'll be happy you did!

Today I'm pretty sure you could not care less about me. And I pretty much could not care less. I'm sick of all this. Most of all sick of me.

Sometimes you completely fail and I just sit there in session and think about how much money I'm paying you while you tell me things I already know. Luckily my insurance is paying most of it right now.

And how long did you go to college to become qualified to do this?

Hang in their QuietCat. I'll be thinking about you.

Dear C,
Sometimes I hate that you are my T. I hate the the T relationship. I hate that it oten fells or seems unreal. I want more. I want more warmth more caring. Where is the line, how much should you provide me and how much do i need to find on my own. I was worried when I started seeing you that I would want you to mommy me. Now that i have seen you for 2 years it is exactly what I want. I don't want to cuddles or hugs. Just for you to say you thought about me the other day, or something. I don't know what. This is so unfair!

Dear T,

I think I love you. I think I hate you.

Go away.

TC, as I was reading your email my therapist response popped up on my iPad. Right n top of your post. Here it is:

"Love you too. Hope you've had a good day."

TC, what would happen if you let your therapist love you? What would it feel like to you? Just curiosity on my part.

((((TC))))