Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

this thread was started by squiggle and i use it so much i feel honored to be starting it again in her name...

thanks squiggle, where ever you are!

So many times we cannot say what we want to say to our therapists. We fear being judged or kicked out for being rude, ugly, or inappropriate! It might be easier to put it in writing. That is what this place is for. Use this to say what you really think and feel. Once you have written it out, you may find that it is something you can talk with your therapist afterall.
__________________

Thanks for making this.

"I know you tried to help me learn deep breathing. I kinda wish we could go into that a little more, because I'm starting to try and pick up meditation and I could use some help in learning how to focus without getting distracted by every small little thought or sensation. Having ADHD makes this so very hard and I know you understand that.

I'm sorry for emailing you in a panic like that. I was distraught and I didn't have anyone to turn to. I kept looking to see if you emailed me back, but in a way I'm kind of glad you didn't because you come off as...more 'professional' and less 'personal'. I like hearing your voice more because it's soothing. I just didn't want to call at 6 p.m.

I'm trying really hard to keep up the new sleep schedule. I promise I'm trying, but change is very very hard for me and I've been on this dysfunctional schedule for over a year now.

Last of all, thank you. Thank you for the hug last session, and for your help. I don't care if it's your job. You're helping me, anyone who helps me gets a big thank you because so few people stick around for more than a week or two. "

Woo 2:30 a.m thoughts!

Yes FM,

I'm still up, avoiding the morrow. But, I will make it to everything, tired or not. Yes, it's the darned forum again. LOL.

Thanks for an easy session today, and explaining more about attachment, and my mom.

Looking forward to seeing you today!

Thanks for the voice mail. I didn't answer my phone at work all day on Friday and Monday hoping it was you. So today I got to talk to you and have you leave a message.

Today when you scooted to the edge of your seat and got real close to me while I was having a flashback, all I wanted to tell you was to BACK THE **** OFF. but I couldn't... You made me feel more afraid than I already was. Comfort does not mean closeness in my world. I wish I could make you understand. I will have to talk to you about it next week.

Dear T,

I am really dreading our appt Thursday. I know we will talk about the email I sent you Sat night. And I am scared.
K

Dear T - thank you for putting up with me for the past year. And for not giving me the 'raised eyebrow' look last night in our session when I said something about how part of me was still a little bit in denial about you moving. It's all good, my sweet lovely t. Oh, and you were so right on about my hubby last night. I told him what you said and he got this incredulous look on his face like how did she know. I was like well I've been telling you for a year that she's one smart cookie! Love, me

How come I feel like I want to run and hide? U make me feel so much better and then I leve and it's like WTH happened.. And then I almost feel worse than before

Dear T,

I don't want to tell you that I am so.close to being considered "a danger to myself". I don't want to face the truth.

I"m interested in what we'll talk about tomorrow. I have a lot on my mind, and I'm afraid to talk your ear off. I liked how last session was an equal between us. It puts my mind at rest when you talk with me too instead of just commenting on what I say, because I KNOW i talk a lot! I'm an aspie, it's not hard to talk someone's ear off and not realize I'm doing it.

Dear t, i need you to answer your email or text or call me because i havent heard from you in a week and i am SCARED YOURE DEAD. i know its probably yet another family emergency or you left your phone somewhere or its your husband or SOMETHING but you could at least answer my text about ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?? With a YES so i can stop freaking out . I am downright freaking out right now and I NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU!!! i would say this to your face if you were not still on the other side of the world

Please, please, come home. Just come home. i am drowning here

((Starry Night))

I hope she calls soon

She finally texted me tonight about 4 a.m. as i suspected, shes dealing with stuff with her husband and is way busy with him. But she is alive, thank goodness. I really hope i get to talk to her soon.

Dude,

I flat out told you I was going to, how, place and time,... and we spent the rest of the session with me giving you therapy. You are a trip man. Freaky-smack! Well, at least I never need to worry about you, as it gets closer. I can't even be offended.

-FB

Im mad at you.

I know I said mean things to you in the past. I know that I've wished many times for you to go away and leave me alone. But now I want/need you. And you aren't answering my texts and emails. I wish you would be up front about it. I wish that you would either tell me to go away, or come hug me. I wish I wish I wish. I dont even know what I want. I just feel so unloved and unwanted right now. I am counting on you to prove to me that someone wants me, because I cant lie to myself anymore. It doesn't work

Why do I feel like the worse I get, the less I can talk to you about it? I feel like I cant even tell you my issues because immediately, u back off. I dont know if its that you dont like to deal with all of it, or what, but its not helping. its making me doubt you. doubt ur care for me.

So much going on. I need you. I know you can only be my T, but that's not what my heart wants. I want to be held by you. Sometimes I think that the one thing I need, the one impulse that will solve everything, is just to be loved by you...and then all my problems will be gone....

Dear T,
thanks for what you said last session. it made me feel very safe. why did you think you sounded arrogant? this confused me...

i don't get it and don't know if i can ask....

I'm so glad that you're so understanding and supportive. You being proud of me made me feel proud in myself, if even just for a fleeting moment. But I managed to sense the concern in your voice when I mentioned the flashbacks that happened last week..and I'm kinda scared. I know the more we dig into the anxiety triggers, the more they're going to happen...but I don't know how to bring myself out of them. I'm confusing, I know. I dont make eye contact so it's not like you could just look at my eyes to see if I looked different during one.. I tend to fixate somewhere around the room next to you. I wish I could just look at your eyes, or even just your face. I know it means more to people and it'd probably help my concentration too.

I like how you noticed just how fidgety I really am, and even offered a suggestion! No one has ever done that in a positive way before. It's always 'Stop moving so much!' "Quit moving" "Stop that" etc. Always negative. I'm going to try and find something to fidget with so that my hands don't become a distraction in themselves. Though I feel so much more comfortable rocking, it's awkward to rock in front of other people. I'm not sure why.

I'm going to want to call you on the week of thanksgiving, if just to wish you a happy holiday. But how do I make phone calls less awkward if I don't have anything other than just a quick comment to say? Maybe I can just leave a voicemail (*shudders*) and that'd be enough? I'm so confused with myself. Bleh.

Also thank you for the hug and the pat on the back tonight. You made me feel accomplished, and safe. I haven't felt that in a while. The smallest gestures can mean the most sometimes. ♥

i hope that you aren't seeing these messages. If you are, then I hope that you aren't too offended. I didn't wanna hurt you. But I feel like I cant talk to you about it, so who else do i talk to? I hope we can work it all out tomorrow.

T,

I'm falling apart. I can.not.cope. Another session like today's may be too much for my mind to take. I'm terrified of letting you see how weak and broken I really am. I think I may have said too muxh today. Did I mention that I can't cope??

Oh, and I did not miss the significance of your refusal to answer my question about patients that are impossible to work with.

This therapy thing may be a bad idea after all. I'm too broken.

im being hurt and I cant tell you.

I hate myself so much.

((Apteryx))

Scary as it is, letting your T see your weaknesses would be best.
Otherwise it becomes a barrier between you.