Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

New T,
Thanks for the enlightening session. I feel grounded and it isn't because I am enmeshing, it is because I am understanding myself better. What we talked about today really helped. I told you things that were embarrassing, that I didn't want to say. I usually worry about this, but I'm grounded so I'm okay. Thanks!
AM

xT,
I miss you and hope you are doing well. I think you would be impressed at how much I am trying to change. Thanks!
AM

Dear FM,

I called to ask if I could get an extra session today. You were busy till 4:00 P.M., but I had plans that were more important than seeing you. It was about the kids today, and I glad now I can leave you in the background whilst I run off and play. I'm safe, and secure, and I have a safe haven to return too. Take care.

Good night. Ill see you tomorrow @ at 9:00 A.M.

Love,

GTGT

My therapist doesn't love me, so it would be impossible to let her do that.

Letting her care about me is too hard. It unleashes all this need that I can't control or shape or have met. I'd rather bury it back down to a controllable place, rather than let the need rage out of control and drive me crazy.

I feel vulnerable and I can't talk about it for another two weeks.

Actually, I feel semi-vulnerable. I'm on the cuff of full-blown felt vulnerability. But I'm not teetering for now.

It's like a part of me is on high alert and wants me to start preparing for doomsday and the other semi-vulnerable part of me is also present but is questioning the high alert status because she doesn't think it is warranted. I feel my defenses but I'm not through the roof with anxiety like I usually am.

I'm in an uncomfortable place but I'm not in the, I want to jump over Niagara Falls place in a barrel yet.

T you suck. I hate that you forget about me all the time and the mention I become depressed YOu back off and become distant like my last T. You encouraged me to be honest about my feelings and now you can't handle them. It scares me how much damage you T's do and have done to me. I am done with you and all your pretending and all of your crap and thinking you know everything but you know nothing about how to actually help me and that I just need someone to care right now because you know I have no one else in the world.
I don't want any extra attention or anything all I want is for you to not forget about me and our appts. You tell me I matter but you don't put your theory into practise so how can I possibly take anything you say seriously because you have contradicted your self so much. I hate you

Dear T,

I feel ashamed of what happened in my session this week. I wanted holding hands to feel safe and good, like always. I don't know what happened. I was anxious and embarrassed throughout the entire session, except when we were talking about my grandson.

I hate it that you told me what you saw and felt. That makes me feel so much shame. I don't know if you're correct. It felt like you were accusing me, though I know you just said we have to be "mindful" of that part. You said you are NOT taking the touching away. I know that you will, if it becomes a problem though. I don't want it to become a problem.

I hope that we can discuss what's underneath my fears and my feelings about it. How do you know it's not the infant who wants to be held, and that it's sensual, not sexual? Why didn't you think of that? Why did you suddenly say you saw and felt that "sexual part"? You told me I didn't do anything wrong, and that you weren't frustrated with ME, but with yourself. Thank you for being honest but now I wonder what that means. Maybe you ARE going to take the touching away after all? I know you will only do something if it's in my best interests. So we need to see what happens in future sessions. I am agreeable to do SE with or without the touching. I can always talk about wanting it, and we will work with those feelings. I'm getting optimistic about SE!

Love,
rainbow

Dear T,

Thank you for suggesting to have me look at you if I end up panicking while doing my performance tomorrow (even though I know it would make it worse, LOL). Thank you for coming out and supporting me through it all. It's a huge, HUGE thing for me, and I'm terrified. It's hard for me to imagine so many people wanting to be there for me...it means the world to me.

Love,
MUE

I got to work Monday and your voice mail was gone. It has affected me way more than it should. I can't believe I was that attached to a voice mail. How screwed up is that?

I don't ever want to talk about hugging again ever...

T,
I am SO angry with myself. I have to sit with the monster inside of me and I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. Now is the time when I feel fear and I feel like people have left me with IT with no escape. I can't even tell anyone, because it only scares other people and makes them angry or other people won't answer my calls. It is SOO freaking painful to know that I have to sit here with this IT and nobody irl cares. Nobody including me. Sorry to disappoint you, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Welcome to the real me and the monster inside of me. It's more like I disappointed myself. I HATE IT. You should ignore me when I'm like this, why reinforce this horrible side of me? I'm going to take my sleep meds as I usually do and go to bed so I can also shun this part of not-me because as God as my witness I WILL make sure IT knows that NOBODY cares, not even ME.

Why did I forget to mention the most important thing I needed to talk about yesterday?? Why did I wait until the last 15 mins to bring something so important up?? I'm beating myself up now over it, despite the happy exterior you see in my email.

I hope I can talk to you again soon, but I know I don't see you until after thanksgiving and after the important situation will happen and be over. I may have to call you before I get there... I need someone to ground me and you're all I have who can understand.

T,

i was so so close to asking for a real hug last time. I want it so bad. I think i am ready. next time?

I hope ur vacation goes really well and I can't wait to talk on sat and see you on tue! thank you so much! i luv you!

Dear T,

Tonight's subject matter was very powerful. I appreciate your taking the time to read that excerpt to me from your book. On top of that your translation into common language made it somewhat understandable. Please don't be mad if I don't absorb it all in at once and change my ways. This is so hard for me. I can't accept who I am and don't believe anyone else wants to accept me either.

Thank you for finally saying that you don't think I'm hopeless. It means more to me coming from you than you'll ever know. Wish I didn't have to wait 2 weeks to see you again. I love you so much. I want to hold you in my arms all night long. I want to hear YOUR story for a change. Be well...Love,

Michelle

I couldn't get away from me like everyone else can. I have a work issue and because of me feeling so vulnerable, I am having a ton of difficulty even thinking of a solution. I am so socially inadept. I can't be myself around other people because I have weird interests. I will never fit in anywhere including therapy. I will never be accepted even there. My new T will eventually see who I really am and hate me like I do. Because I have the issues I do, I don't deserve to have any contact. I didn't ask to be this way, and I don't want to. Being in pain is the best course for me. I'm not in a good mood.

Dear FM,

Wow, before I knew it we were together for three and a half hours, and this evening you took my whiny phone call (yes,I know you don't want me to think this way).

You were going to read today, but we were just to busy enjoying each other that we didn't get to it. When I said I was so happy - about me - about my life...

Me: I'm so happy FM.

F.M: Yeah, Me too. Mm-hmm (laughter)

Me: It's just normal life.

F.M: Yeah.

Me: Normal life feels good.

F.M: Yeah, it does.
You're not dealing with things that are insurmountable.

ME: Mm -hmm.
Even my mom issue doesn't feel insurmountable.

F.M: Cool, whoa, that's where we want it to be.

Me: A lot of things are happening.

F.M: Small big things.

Me: Life is good.

F.M: That's what counts.
Your moving forward
That's what we want.
Just a new new place.
A new better place.

Me: Mm-hmm. Thank you.

F.M: Thank you.

Me: Will you read to...

i think its possible what she brought up was all her and nothing on you regarding it being sexualized. maybe she mistook the intensity of your need for comfort as sexual?

Dear T,

didn't feel the "i get you" tonight at all.

im scared to tell you what i am thinking. except i just cannot think of any other solution to the problem.

i am thinking of terminating in may. less complications for the future.

feeling very alone but knowing that i am doing the right thing.

i hope we can connect better next time, if that is okay with you... feeling more lost than usual. not belonging, not good enough.

T - I hope you let me know when you're moved all safe and sound. Me

I dreamt about you last night. You were sending me pics from Hawaii, of snorkling. You sent me a pic of your husband who just turned out to be an Orlando Bloom look alike haha. You sent me a pic of an elephant that you had gotten to see. You sent me pics from the tiki museum that you went to. You put all of the photos in a scrapbook for me to look at and save. I remember caressing it and being so thankful. I think it shows how much I think of you and how happy you make me in RL.

Dear FM,

Thank you for the extra session to hold me this afternoon. I really appreciate when you squeeze me in.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Love,

GTGT

I am messed up inside...feeling rather hopeless. But I will not tell you this. I am tired of sounding like a broken record. An ungrateful broken record.

Dear T,
I went to my PCP doc today and had some abnormal labs including my mild but persistent elevated platelets/anemia, elevated WBC and neutrophils; elevated ALT, ASP (liver function), and low vitamin D. She's checking for a kidney infection, but she felt that was unlikely. She is referring me to a blood doctor but reassured me not to be afraid. I almost started crying when the nurse came in to make the appointment, she said that she wanted to make sure I got in before Christmas. But then she said, "not that I need to." They knew I just wanted to know what was going on. My PCP doc said that she thinks the numbers indicate something inflammatory. I asked her if cancer was a possibility, and she said yes, but the other numbers aren't showing that.

This may be nothing, though, probably something minor. I don't need you or anyone. I will never give you or anyone else the power to hurt me ever again.

I'm so tired and spaced out right now.

((((((Antimatter)))))),I'll be thinking about you, and am sending positive thoughts your way.

I read your post and started crying. Why can I only cry and let it out when someone else cares? It's like I have to build walls around me so it appears as if I'm keeping others out, when I really think nobody wants to come over. It keeps me from feeling vulnerable and from taking a chance and trusting somebody again. thank you

Antimatter, you are worthy.