Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Hi T!

Yes, I'm sending you mixed messages. I don't want you to think I am a total loser. I have my pride.

T,

I luv you so much and that's the problem... That's why I am being like this. Not because I want to be mean... Because I love you too much to let u get that close. I hope u understand. I don't wanna hurt anyone. But it seems like that's what ends up happening anyway

It's been a while since I've seen you. I think I stopped caring for a while, I didn't and still kind of don't feel like I want to see you again. I think things are going to be strange between us. Despite all of the messages you sent, you seem so incredibly cold now. I was surprised I hadn't heard from you, and yet at the same time, I felt as though contacting you wouldn't be worthwhile because I initially didn't have much to say, and additionally assumed you wouldn't respond, or would respond with a short, unsatisfying reply.

I feel like I'm angry, but I don't think I am. I feel like you're angry, but I don't think that you are either. I feel like a pet that paws at a person for attention. At times, the person is active and engaging. At other times, the person is cold and distant. After a few repetitions of that, the pet stops pawing for attention, as they assume that they won't attain the response they want. Perhaps further on, the person becomes upset that the pet isn't looking for their attention anymore.

Not to say that I'm anyone's pet, of course, but perhaps rather to say that I relished in your attention while I had it, and I feel as though you relished in having attention from myself as well.

I told you way more than I ever intended. I ended up having to pull over in a parking lot because I was crying after the session. I know you would never had guessed from my behavior in the office how upset I was....

Dear FM,

Thank you for our session today. When I asked you to read to me today, I thought for sure it would be a children's book. You gave me the choice of entertaining, serious or some what serious. I was surprised when you gave me the choice of Frank McCourt's Teacher Man or Anne Heche's memoir: call me crazy.

Though there is no CSA in my background (nothing you've heard so far leads you to think so), you knew that I could relate to Anne's story as she remembered her childhood 's long forgotten memories, thawed from a deep freeze. Are they real memories or are they lies she made up? After all, no one that could confirm them would confirm them, the shameful painful memories. Yes, the story sounds familiar. I look forward to the next chapters.

Also, thank you for helping me get rid of the shame, and fear I have been holding all these years for my mom. You said you were thinking about how to go about this, and the work we did today with shame allowed the fear I was holding for mom, and the family to be expelled like the release of a painful afterbirth.

Ms Heche says,"My belief is that healing is possible, for every child of abuse. By healingI mean living fully, as a free, healthy, and loved human being, without shame of the past. It takes work, work and commitment, to yourself , to the child that was treated with disrespect; to the person that deserves love in your life the most. YOU."

You said that WE are getting there, and I can feel it. I took the chance of seeking friends and understanding on the forum by posting, etc. there are some that have cared about me. I am grateful to them. I always wanted to be a part of the couch, but I'm okay without it. I'm willing to continue to take my chances snuggled up to you on the couch. Because, on your couch today I got the gift of: MOTHER. Thank you, FM. You are amazing!


Love,

GTGT

Dear XT,

Can I write you a letter? If I do, will you answer it? Have you forgotten the forgettable?

Antimatter

I think you are wonderful. I am so scared I taint you with my toxicness. It terrifies me. You are so good and I am so NOT.

T!! Were you thinking about me yesterday afternoon? I could swear you were. For a few minutes yesterday afternoon, I felt this really strange feeling like you were in the room looking at me. Of course you weren't, I was at work. But it was weird. Oooeeeeooooo.

New T,
When I come to therapy this Wednesday, I need you to be brilliant. I need you to explain to me why I can't contact you in between sessions (I'm not asking this to talk you into it) because I need to viscerally and fully understand that it is not because I'm a nuisance. I guess it is to help me experience things on my own, but saying that is not going to help my emotional part of me that feels abandoned already. I have not chosen this part of me, and while the route that has been chosen for my therapy is an effort to help me, because it is so painful I am going to have a hard time getting around this. I can't explain too well. But intellectually, I get it. Emotionally, nada. I need to trust you, so we have alot of work to do. I don't know how I will be able to trust you, while feeling as if my neediness is not accepted on Thursdays through Tuesdays. It is only allowed out on Wednesday, and I have to keep it chained in my basement on the other six days. I suspect it will rear its ugly head on a non needy day and rise up with ferocious ferocity. It does this, and the rest of me keeps thinking to that part of me, "Who unchained you?" I need you to conjure up some major talk because the only way around this is opening new neural pathways and then helping them grow. Good luck, you are going to need it!

ugh. Who should I talk to if I feel like I can't talk to u?

Dear T, feeling very out of it. like i am not connected to anything or anyone. just kinda floating around and around. about to be dropped any minute into the atmosphere... too weird.

please be gentle when i see you.

i don't know if i can talk about chicago. you told me a long time ago that i was catastrophosizing about it. and that means "making a mountain out of a molehill"..... how you decided this was a molehill i have no idea. it was a major upheaval in my life. so, how can i be expected to talk about it knowing how you feel????? it leaves me unsafe, vulnerable, and alone.
no thanks, have enough of that as it is!!!!
please help me with this otherwise i will never be able to talk about it. please be gentle, not mad, and no yelling.

me..............

The side effects are killing me right now.

Dear FM,

I am excited about seeing you today. Excited is a different word to describe our meeting the image that comes to mind is that of Hayley Mills' in the trouble with Angels. I know, you no nothing about actors and movies; like you didn't know who Anne Heche was when you read her book. I would like you to read me another chapter in Anne Heche's memoir: call me crazy. Our last session really moved me, reading and the shame and fear piece.

Yesterday, was a comfortable day just doing real life. Being with people felt good. Meeting my obligations was a burst of sunshine for me. And, alone time with me left me comfortable in my body. No wanting to hibernate this week. If I get my child support papers printed and filled out, and back to the lawyer by tomorrow, I will have had an extremely successful week, for the first time in eons - maybe ever! If I don't I am still able to see that I did a very good job this week with my life. I am able to hold onto the good, without being Perfect.

FM, I think I'm finally seeing what you've been seeing. Each day, I'm getting better and better. Wow! I can do therapy. Thanks! I love you.

See you soon.

GTGT

Dear t:
I am actually craving seeing you on Thursday. Not in some sick, creepy, transference way, but in an "I am not afraid to be open and honest with you anymore and I want to share and let you help me" way. I hope this feeling sticks around until Thursday cause there are two big things on the list that we didn't get to last week.
-me

Dear new T,
I am doing okay, although going through daily life for me feels like an act of courage (lol). I am in constant fear of being a failure, and often feel I have failed everyone around me. I failed my last therapy. I fear that I am going to fail in this therapy. I try to be successful during the week at work, sometimes it is so hard. Not the job, but being around people.

I know I talked about the okay to be needy on one day, but not the others in my last letter. I wanted this for myself before I even met you. This past week when I knew I couldn't call became reality, I wanted to be an adult about it and not feel afraid, but my fear arose nonetheless. My feelings from the past of only being able to be needy on a selective basis obscured my goal. I know my task is to tolerate this, I know that you believe in me, but I feel like I am going to fail. What if I act like a child? What if I try and fail? What if you leave because I can't accomplish what any other adult could accomplish? Are you then going to leave? I feel like such a loser even asking these questions. I want to get better. I have tolerated my feelings this week, even though it can be rough. I know I can do it, but I have an underlying fear that I will fail miserably and become nothing but an annoyance to everyone around me. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. But I'm also okay.

Dear T,

I went to my favorite chinese buffet tonight - alone. They have good seafood, baked not fried. I wish, oh how I wish, that you were there with me to talk to and laugh with.

Dear FM,

I think we had another great session today. We talked about all my little successes this week. Only they weren't little to me (and you) they were big! I can now hold on - to the good things without being a perfect mess. I don't have to be perfect. I can throw that old nasty mom message away. "You're a piece of crap if your not a perfect daughter, sister, student ( 98% on a final is not good enough), wife, stepmother, mother, and Mama's list goes on. I feel free! I feel free of her shame and pain. In the past, whenever I thought I'd met her standards, she would move the damn bar. Yeah, I know it was crazy making. Thanks for always telling me I'm not crazy, and helping me to throw away that crappy message. I just hope it doesn't rear its ugly head again, and if it does we can deal with it. Your Gestalt scenario was pure genius in my book. You said it was your responsibility to get us through this and to trust you, trust the process, and I did. Thanks. I truly believe your skills have helped set me free, and that's what helped me do a little more - live my real life - this week, the way I want. I felt so proud of myself today when I saw the big smile upon your countenance. You made me feel accepted, safe, valued and worthy. The needs I have searched for all my life, I am now getting from you, until I can fill myself up, and be off on my own. Well, not really on my own - safe enough to trust and discern more of the world, and not needing to run and hibernate, because I'm not perfect. This week I was able to feel proud of me - GTGT - when you weren't there. Progress!

You always make me feel loved, and have helped me feel loved by others for the very first time. I am no longer running from the unconditional love of my three siblings or my friends. I am worthy.

My audio tape messed up today, and did not record our session. It doesn't even bother me, because I am now able to FEEL and HOLD the love and comfort in my physical body - My Heart - Wow!

Love you lots, FM.

GTGT

PS: Thanks for reading chapter 2 of Anne's memoir. I fell a sleep a few times, so if you don't see this post, I will email you, or just tell you, the next time to read it again.

Dear T,

We have to discuss the importance of touching to me, and its role in SE. It was very powerful to experience how I felt when you let go of my hands quickly versus slowly. I can keep the connection when you do it slowly. I have to know whether the touching is going to help me or make me want it too much. What is different is that I immediately told ____ (my H) that I wanted/needed more touching from him. I know that my goal is to get it from him and from others. I already ask my friends for hugs and accept them which is a huge step for me considering how, some years ago, I never wanted to hug anyone!

I need to know your opinion about the touching. It seemed like it's a part of the SE, and you not only allowed it, but encouraged it. You know that the best part of therapy has been holding your hand. Most people in therapy don't have that need but I do. It makes me feel safe and connected to you in a way that nothing else does. Is it good to get that from you, or not good? You've said that touch is healing. At the session you made sure the hug was long enough. So, I need to know if this is part of the SE. Before it didn't matter to you if the hug was long enough. So, is it because my stomach hurt when you took your hand away? Is that significant?

We have to discuss this next time. My need for touch is an issue in itself, as is closeness. When you looked at me so intently and "made me look at you", I felt very close to you. I know you really believe in this method, and also in EMDR. I agree that I've never paid much attention to my body and I'm too much in my head so I'm willing to see what happens. Like you said, I've had plenty of talk therapy and this is something different.

You've sent me to yoga, mindfulness training, and you're glad I'm in DBT. I'd forgotten that you recommended DBT long ago! Thanks to you, I'm starting to draw and even paint again! I'm going to trust you about the SE but we do have to talk about the touching. I know I asked you for the millionth time if you're going to take away the touching and you said "no". Therefore your professional (Yes, I'm using THAT word!) opinion must be that the touching is therapeutic.

rainbow

Dear T,

A part of me worries about my session coming up Wednesday. This Thursday you told me you couldn't watch Criminal Minds anymore because so many episodes focused on chid abuse. You also no longer work with children. You say you don't like working with children and dealing with their anger, but I suspect it has to do with abuse also. You've made the comment that you would like to "execute your own method of judgment" on child abusers, even though you said you recognize you cannot play God and pass judgment because it's not your place.

So what are you going to do when I tell you 13 years ago I became angry with two four-year-old bullies, whom, in two separate incidents, jerked them up off the ground by their wrists and dug my nails into their skin hard enough to leave marks? Are you going to hate and judge me? Are you going to see me as a child abuser, even though I have not done anything like that since?

Will you still love me? Or will you turn your face away like so many people in my past?

Love,
Chopin

As a parent, and stepparent, I would certainly forgive you. What I know of you from the forum, you are certainly Not the same person you were that many years ago. The regret that you voice today, and have felt for along time I'm sure - it took you to the place of feeling shame - sound like it is a heart felt regret.

As a parent, I know I would have been angry when it happened, and I also know, if I read what you write now, I could do nothing less than forgive you. You are human. You don't make light of what happened, and you are genuinely regretful. I as a collective parent forgives you. Please forgive yourself Chopin. You need suffer no more, because of this past issue.

Your therapist sounds like a caring and understanding women. I know she has nothing but love in her heart for you. I'm not a betting woman, but given what you right about her - she will have nothing but open arms and a heart full of forgiveness for you.

Thinking of you as you journey down the road of shame. You are a brave women.

Dear T, what do you know, this therapy thing really is working. I never in my dreams would have thought at this point I'd already be doing so much better, having made a friend for the first time in years, getting out on a regular basis, feeling like maybe there is a place in this world for me after all. It's not hopeless, I am not hopeless. I don't just know that, but feel it, too. Thanks, T, I might be doing the work but I'm sure glad it's you I'm doing it with.

New T/xT,
I had an insight today that feels more scary than enlightening. My paranoia is increasing and it happened at work. I was feeling good about helping another person. She was having a difficult time emotionally, and I helped talk her.through it. She has never been in therapy before, and I helped her accept her own emotions and validated them. I was.thinking about it at home and a perceptual shift occurred that was both ungrounding and terrifying. This is humiliating but I then thought that I wasn't really helping her, but that she knew I had issues and I really wasn't helping her, she was helping me. It's like I am unable to be in a role where I am the knowledgeable one, where I am not the 'needy' one without completely doubting myself. I believe in Jung's approach where the content of the delusions are telling, I just don't know what it is telling me. I felt so good when I was helping, like that was the real me, and now I have to go and ruin it by being delusional. I also am paranoid that my xT is out to get me, to psychologically terrorize me. I know.he.wouldn't do that, but the paranoia is there.
I now know that this isn't new, that my relationship issues might partly stem from this paranoia. I know in the past at work it was a huge contributor. I usually love insights, but this is disturbing. I am coming unglued.
XT,
I need to know that you at the very least aren't trying to hurt me. Please, please help me with this.
NewT,
I can't delve into my past at this time. I am too unstable. I hope we can work on me trusting you, which will help me feel more grounded and not send me into insanity, so I can work on being ok during the week without you and hopefully experience success. As terrified as I am right now, I am trusting you, trusting that you will help me. I am respecting your boundaries in spite of my difficulties. I am counting on you not to be perfect, but to care enough to want to help me.

I couldn't do this with my xT, although I wish I could have. He has been a huge contributor to my healing, and to me having the knowledge and ability to tolerate what my task at hand is now. I wasn't able to be as objective with him, altho I think we both wanted me to. I thi.k he was right, I did want him to be more.than he.could.be, a father. He was there for me when my parents died, he was there for me guiding me when I was a caretaker. He taught me how to trust, and we had many times where I felt connected but not enmeshed. He was responsible and professional and never called in sick. I challenged him and pushed him and he did the same for me. For the most part, we both grew from this experience, which imo, is what therapy is about--the relationship where two people interact, grow, change, and learn from each other. It has been difficult for me, but in truth he was everything that I wanted in a therapist and more. I hope he doesn't hold it against me that I wanted him to be my father, if I could have chosen, he would have been. That says it all, how I felt about him, how I feel about him. I never expected him to be perfect, and I regret how it ended. I regret that my rage was focused on him, he didn't dismiss deserve that. I didn't know I would end up here when I started this post. I feel relieved, I finally am able to remember the good times, which outweighed the difficult times. I want to carry him with mw for the rest of my life, he was such a positive influence. It was time for us to part, any interventions he tried were.felt.too much as rejecting, it was.too painful for me, but I couldn't see that at the time. I worry about him and his current stressors and truly wish him peace. I miss him and am thankful for him.
I am also thankful for my new T, who doesn't know what he has gotten himself into, lol. I feel like he will also be able to help me, he seems to be very kind. I probably have alot of.typos bec. I am typing from my phone.

T,

I really really need you right now. I can't deal with this. I feel like SIing and just fxcking up shxt. I feel awful right now, out of control.

I don't know why I am fighting u. I wish I knew. :/ maybe it really isn't about swimming. Maybe its a trust thing. Maybe it's my all or nothing reacting to ur distancing. Maybe because I am finally giving up on u saying that u want me. Maybe it's too hurtful, the rejection. So I am putting space between us. Maybe it's my fault.