[scorpiosis37]

Today is my birthday and just about everything that could go wrong, did. It got to the point that I was just sitting on my bathroom floor, crying. I figured I had nothing to lose so I texted T. Surprisingly, she offered me a last minute session so I went in. She was super sweet and she completely understood why I was upset. She even related an anecdote about something similar that happened to her. I'm not really sure why, but I left actually feeling a little worse, eventhough T was so supportive. Part of what upset me so much was that, even after bringing my dad in to therapy and thinking he finally "got it" he did something today that demonstrates he didn't get it at all. He did exactly what he normally does, which I asked him-- in front of T-- not to do. So it was very helpful to have T acknowledge that I had made myself clear to my dad, and he had simply not listened. When I told her what happened, she literally gasped and said "I can't believe it!" And then, from there, so many other really awful things happened and I've spent my entire day on the phone and running errands, fixing everyone else's mistakes, trying to just get back to the status quo. It's just so exhausting and frustrating. I'm supposed to go out to dinner with friends in an hour, and I am going, but I just don't feel like it. I'd rather just stay in a hole.

[Ike McCaslin]

Hope your birthday gets much better. You deserve it. Yppah yadhtrib.

Scorp , get out salvage the rest of your birthday, the day is not over....its never too late to turn things around...it will get better when surrounded by friends. Happy Birthday!

[EeyoreSmile]

It's your birthday, you can cry if you want to! You're already out I think, but if it makes you feel better.. my birthday this year, my 30th, I ended up bawling at my desk after my students were dismissed... and 2 hours later had the best time ever out at happy hour with my friends. Your birthday is a perfect day no matter how it ends up. Enjoy it.. it's trite, but every year I say, this is going to be the best year ever! and then all year I write down reasons that make it true! Happy Birthday to you!

Scorpiosis37, Happy Birthday! Enjoy your evening, and have a good year.

[pbutton]

I am sorry that you're having such a rough day. Happy birthday. I hope the evening turns around for you.

[Freefall1974]

Do you need to change your screen name to scorpiosis38?
I hope you had a nice evening.

[Anne2.0]

Happy birthday and may all your dreams come true in the coming year.

[Nightlight]

So sorry about how your day has been. I do hope that despite not having the desire to go out, that it actually goes well and you have a good time! Happy birthday!

It's okay to be sad about the difficulties you've been facing, and having the feeling of wanting to stay in a hole for a while. I am sorry that your dad didn't get it. I think sometimes people do get it, just for a few seconds, and then it seems all too easy for them to revert back to what's normal for them. It just feels even more hurtful when you've made it clear to that person exactly how their behaviour is affecting you.

I hope you have many great days and good times waiting just around the corner somewhere.

Happy Happy Day for you... thinking of you!

I am so sorry your birthday had such a rough start. So sad too, to be crying on your birthday,im glad your t got you in to talk. I truly hope that things got better after going out with your friends.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry you had such a crummy birthday yesterday. I want to send you birthday wishes now, and I hope that today is a much happier day for you!
I'm glad you could get in to see T and she validated you about your Dad.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SCORPIOSIS!!! May you know only happiness and joy from now on.

[scorpiosis37]

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the birthday wishes.

Once I got together with my friends, I ended up having a great evening. They definitely cheered me up. In fact, one of my friends brought me an Elmo balloon. How can you be sad when you have an Elmo balloon?! So, my birthday ended on a much happier note.

However, this morning, I feel a bit down again. I just started another thread about that. I'm trying to snap out of feeling negative. Yo, Scorpio: cheer up!

[Bill3]

Part of what upset me so much was that, even after bringing my dad in to therapy and thinking he finally "got it" he did something today that demonstrates he didn't get it at all. He did exactly what he normally does, which I asked him-- in front of T-- not to do. So it was very helpful to have T acknowledge that I had made myself clear to my dad, and he had simply not listened. When I told her what happened, she literally gasped and said "I can't believe it!"

Perhaps it would be helpful to recall that it takes time for people to change. I've learned over the years that it often takes multiple reminders, and many repetitions, to master something new/different. In my observation, this goes for me as well as for other people.

So if I could make a suggestion, it would be to have a plan for when this happens, when your dad doesn't act as desired and hoped.

The plan imho would not include being upset with him, saying that he doesn't listen, putting him in the wrong. It would not include questioning his motivation.

The plan would include reminding him, without judgment or strong emotion, what is important for him to do. Something like this:

"Dad, this is just the sort of situation that we talked about with my T. Please try to remember to do _______. It's really important to me. Thanks!"

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Perhaps it would be helpful to recall that it takes time for people to change. I've learned over the years that it often takes multiple reminders, and many repetitions, to master something new/different. In my observation, this goes for me as well as for other people.

So if I could make a suggestion, it would be to have a plan for when this happens, when your dad doesn't act as desired and hoped.

The plan imho would not include being upset with him, saying that he doesn't listen, putting him in the wrong. It would not include questioning his motivation.

The plan would include reminding him, without judgment or strong emotion, what is important for him to do. Something like this:

"Dad, this is just the sort of situation that we talked about with my T. Please try to remember to do _______. It's really important to me. Thanks!"

Trust me, it's the same thing I've been asking my dad for at least 10-15 years. Talking about it with my T was a "last" step rather than a first one. He acknowledged, in T, that he has heard me ask for the same thing many times, and he doesn't know why he "forgets."

It's also a birthday-specific situation. Every year, for my birthday, my dad gets me a gift from my sister's favorite store, in my sister's favorite color. So, when I brought my dad in to therapy to talk about childhood stuff (refer to old post), I explained to him that a lingering feeling I have is that he listens to my sister, he knows my sister, says how much he enjoys spending time with my sister and buying for my sister, he makes an effort with my sister, etc-- in a way that he does not do with me. So, while I had him in T (knowing it was 3 weeks before my birthday), I specifically said "Dad, this year, for my birthday, can you please not go to X store and buy me something my sister would like? I still do not like X store, or X color. What would really make me happy is if you bought me a gift card that I could use to buy books. My sister likes purses, jewlery, etc, but I like books." Also, every time we talk on the phone, he asks me how my "list of 100 books" is coming-- so I thought he was starting to get the idea. Scorpio= books.

So, what did my dad send me for my birthday? A purse from my sister's favorite store, in my sister's favorite color, desinged to carry my sister's kind of computer. I was still polite to my dad but, privately, it really hurt my feelings. Another reason it was so upsetting was because (as happens every year, and I remind him every year)-- X store only takes returns if the purchaser goes, in person, with their ID, credit card, and receipt within 7 days of purchase. This means I cannot return the gift myself. And, since my dad lives in a different state, this requires that I fed-ex him the gift back, and beg him to return it for me, which upsets him. Because of the extremely high monetary value of the gift, it's not logical to keep it to collect dust in the closet. That would make my dad even more upset. So, I spent $70 of my own money--and 2 hours waiting in the line at the post office on my birthday-- fed-exing the gift back to him, c/o his secretary who promised to remind him to return it. This is what has happened every year, for the last 10 years. I just wanted ONE year to be different. But, now, I know it never will be different, so I just have to accept it. Radical acceptance, right?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Another reason it was so upsetting was because (as happens every year, and I remind him every year)-- X store only takes returns if the purchaser goes, in person, with their ID, credit card, and receipt within 7 days of purchase. This means I cannot return the gift myself. And, since my dad lives in a different state, this requires that I fed-ex him the gift back, and beg him to return it for me, which upsets him. Because of the extremely high monetary value of the gift, it's not logical to keep it to collect dust in the closet. That would make my dad even more upset. So, I spent $70 of my own money--and 2 hours waiting in the line at the post office on my birthday-- fed-exing the gift back to him, c/o his secretary who promised to remind him to return it. This is what has happened every year, for the last 10 years.

But this is the part you have control over. You don't have to stand in line at the post office on your birthday to send present back to your dad. You don't have to tell him you have placed the present in your closet or given it to goodwill or re-gifted it, or whatever. This part you could do differently. It won't make your dad a different person, but it is something you can do differently.

[Ike McCaslin]

Scorpio, Sorry your dad doesn't listen. I'm intrigued by your list of 100 books. I have a list also, maybe not 100, but pretty big. At the top of my list is Ulysses. I am half way thru The Odyssey,(i thought I should read it before Ulysses). Also in my top ten is The Bell Jar, Mrs. Dalloway, and A Scarlet Letter. What are some of yours?

[Bill3]

This is what has happened every year, for the last 10 years. I just wanted ONE year to be different.

Thank you very much for explaining the details.

I agree with what stopdog said. In addition, perhaps you could tell your dad how this has hurt your feelings. Matter-of-factly, without judgment.

But, now, I know it never will be different, so I just have to accept it. Radical acceptance, right?

Right.

I am very sorry for the loss of the hope that your dad could act differently and thus you could have a different kind of relationship with him. Perhaps there are ways that you can grieve this loss. Does anything come to mind?

[unaluna]

sd is right. i'll never forget the look on my mother's face as she handed me a bowl of pasta with a mountain of grated cheese on it, explaining, "that's how your brother likes it." she didn't have room in her head for my sprinkling of cheese. I can't believe you asked ten years over. what does that say about what you perceive in your r/s?

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by stopdog

But this is the part you have control over. You don't have to stand in line at the post office on your birthday to send present back to your dad. You don't have to tell him you have placed the present in your closet or given it to goodwill or re-gifted it, or whatever. This part you could do differently. It won't make your dad a different person, but it is something you can do differently.

If this were a "normal" present I would agree with you. However, the present cost $3,000. I can't put something that expensive in my closet or re-gift it or give it to goodwill. It would make me absolutely sick if my dad didn't get his money back. And, in order to get him the money back, I DID have to stand in line on my birthday and pay for overnight shipping-- otherwise we would have missed the return deadline. My dad specifically called me-- as he always does-- to say: "Are you going to keep it? If not, please return it to me immediately. It cost X. If you don't like it, I want my money back." So, as always, I return the gift, he gets his money back, and I get nothing. Sigh. I'm resigned to this always being the way it is. Oh, and if I lied and said "yes dad, I like it" he would absolutely expect me to show up at Christmas, using the new gift.

[Bill3]

Your dad has given sister-appropriate gifts of that value to you for all of these ten years?

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Your dad has given sister-appropriate gifts of that value to you for all of these ten years?

Yup. Returned every single one. He thinks $= love, but I keep trying to tell him that I don't care about material things. I want him to LISTEN. I want him to spend time with me. I want him to demonstrate that he has the slightest clue about who I am.

I say all of this to him every year, and I said it again with my T sitting right there. Clearly, it's never going to happen.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

If this were a "normal" present I would agree with you. However, the present cost $3,000. I can't put something that expensive in my closet or re-gift it or give it to goodwill. It would make me absolutely sick if my dad didn't get his money back. And, in order to get him the money back, I DID have to stand in line on my birthday and pay for overnight shipping-- otherwise we would have missed the return deadline. My dad specifically called me-- as he always does-- to say: "Are you going to keep it? If not, please return it to me immediately. It cost X. If you don't like it, I want my money back." So, as always, I return the gift, he gets his money back, and I get nothing. Sigh. I'm resigned this always being the way it is. Oh, and if I lied and said "yes dad, I like it" he would absolutely expect me to show up at Christmas, using the new gift.

You don't have to keep doing it regardless of his expectations or the price of the item. It is a choice. And it keeps you feeling put out after being hurt. I am merely suggesting it is his problem. It does not have to be yours.

[learning1]

I agree with Stopdog

[mixedup_emotions]

ACK! What your dad did has me SO frustrated with him!! I can only imagine how disappointed you must feel. Honestly, I probably would've sent him a video of the gift burning in a fire pit....maybe he'd get the message then! AARGH!

Or, if I knew I wasn't going to get a replacement gift, then I'd just resell it.