[Valentinedemorcerf]

There are many problems I have which I can't seem to tell my therapist. I really like him and I feel like he never judges me and that I'm safe when I'm with him, but I just can't tell him about some things. I've been able to tell him about my stress problems and some anxiety problems, but I can't tell him about much else. He asks if I feel hopeless, and I DO, but I say no. Et cetera. I can't tell him the extent of my phobia of vomiting, I can't tell him about my severe skin picking or my self esteem problems, I can't tell him about my internet research compulsions, I can't tell him about my attention problems, I can't tell him that I'm afraid of sex when ill be married soon, and I can't even tell him that I've really been feeling depressed. I sit at home and I cry and I feel like all I need is someone to help me, but then I walk into his office and I just can't do it. I feel so ashamed, especially about the skin picking and the sex issues. I think in some ways I might be afraid of a diagnosis, but also I might be afraid he'll judge me secretly, even when I don't consciously think he will. I mentioned to him that I might bring in my boyfriend, soon-to-be-fiance to a session, just so they could talk alone and maybe he could express the depths of my problem and how afraid I am to tell my therapist--because he's the one who's up at three in the morning talking to me on the phone when I'm crying like a crazy person. But I feel like that's a cop out. Has anyone else experienced this and does anyone have any advice for telling him?

[mixedup_emotions]

Oh, yes. I have found it incredibly difficult to open up to my T the way I need to - even now after seeing him 2-3x/week for 4 years. I find it much easier to type the words than to say them....so I have emailed him some things that have been difficult for me to say. Is this an option for you?

I'd imagine that it would be better for you to find a way to communicate with your T rather than having your boyfriend do it, because so much information is lost (as it is through his eyes, not yours) when done by a third party. But, it's still better than not getting the information to your T at all.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are not alone in this struggle.

[Sunne]

I was like this at first. He allowed me to email him letters. Things that were hard to say or felt unbearable to admit. Once I started talking mor and more I saw that each time he responded with acceptance and kindness. It never faltered. I learnt to trust him. It can take time. Try to be patient. Let him show you that you can trust him.

[unaluna]

How did you choose this therapist? Would you be more comfortable talking to a woman or is it just that you want your fiance to speak for you instead? The phobia of vomiting sounds like it could present a problem - are you passive-aggressively refusing to get pregnant? Are you being pressured into an unwanted marriage? Now is the time for you to speak out - or is it?

[retro_chic]

I would also recommend emailing your T. If that is not an option, maybe write a letter and bring it to your next session. Email is the only way I have been able to really express how I am feeling to my T because like you, I found it incredibly hard (and still do) to open up.

Good luck!

[Valentinedemorcerf]

The email idea is great! I don't know his email but I'm sure if I could get it out that there were things I needed to tell him about which I couldn't tell him, he would give it to me. I never even thought of that.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by hankster

How did you choose this therapist? Would you be more comfortable talking to a woman or is it just that you want your fiance to speak for you instead? The phobia of vomiting sounds like it could present a problem - are you passive-aggressively refusing to get pregnant? Are you being pressured into an unwanted marriage? Now is the time for you to speak out - or is it?

I've actually been with female therapists and I feel more comfortable with a male. I find that I view females as too emotional to deal with my problems, and I have trouble even opening up to my female friends as opposed to my male friends. I think it may be that I view myself as too emotional and so don't really trust women. I don't know. And also, my boyfriend/fiance (its complicated :P were just waiting for the family, you know) is about the only person I'm able to tell these things--and for some of them it's taken me years even still. I don't feel right having HIM tell my therapist all these things, but at least he could show him that I'm much worse off than I make out that I am.

The pregnancy thing isn't really a worry, as far as the fear of sex goes. I have to be on birth control because we recently found out that a lot of my health problems were due to a rather severe case of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. If I'm not on the pill for most of the time unless I'm TRYING to get pregnant, the cysts could render me infertile, so I don't have much of a choice. As far as pregnancy goes, I'm not even thinking about it until I fix the vomiting thing. I am NOT being pressured into an unwanted marriage-- my lovely man and I have literally been together since junior high and we're entering our first year of college together, and have decided on marriage after freshman year is over. We just couldn't wait any longer. :P my therapist does know about this, but I have yet to explain our relationship fully to him. I don't know why it is that I can't tell my therapist about these other things though, the things I really need help with. I feel ashamed of them, and I often worry about being mentally ill. I sometimes worry about me being a terrible person to marry, and a terrible wife and mother, with all of my horrible problems.

[KazzaX]

Just remind yourself that your T is some dude you dont really even know from a bar of soap. Some anonymous person (like us here on the internet). He is not allowed to tell anyone what you tell him (unless you are threatening to harm youself or others), and if he does break that rule then you can sue the pants off him. That is a LOT of reassurance right there! That is the way I get myself to tell them things.

[Nightlight]

My therapist doesn't allow me to email like that. I have written things down and given them to her to read during my appointments quite often though. Sometimes it takes a while for things to be safe to say. Sometimes you just have to start small. I took a long time to tell my therapist that I'd once had an extreme fear of throwing up too. I'd largely managed to rather miraculously force the fear away in my late teens but it would still show up at stressful times (like during my first therapy appointment, I remember feeling so sick and wanting to leave).

Sometimes you can just start small by saying there are issues you'd like to talk about that are really hard for you so you'd need to start very slowly, without too much pressure to talk too much about them. You could decide which of these big issues would be the easiest one for you to talk about first. All you need to begin with is hinting about the topic. You don't have to jump right into all the hardest details of it.

Once you start sharing one difficult thing, I think you'll start to find it easier and easier. You learn how much you can trust and rely on your therapist. They hear all sorts of things and aren't looking to judge you. They just want to help you, and the more details you give them, the more they can help.

I do know that it's possible to have these huge fears and to then overcome them, even when they were once severe enough to control and dominate your life.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

Just remind yourself that your T is some dude you dont really even know from a bar of soap. Some anonymous person (like us here on the internet). He is not allowed to tell anyone what you tell him (unless you are threatening to harm youself or others), and if he does break that rule then you can sue the pants off him. That is a LOT of reassurance right there! That is the way I get myself to tell them things.

It's not that I'm afraid he'll tell.... It's just that he's a real person. Internet people are so anonymous. You don't know where they live. You don't know their real name. You usually don't know what they look like. But you can find comfort in, hey, they experienced and got through the same thing, and that sort of thing. But he's *real*. He sits on a couch and looks at me and sometimes interrupts my train of thought and even if he is really trustworthy, I always feel like when he's quiet he must be analyzing me. Because you know that's his job. And of course I want his advice. I came to him because I have problems I don't know how to fix. But I always feel like behind his calm demeanor (and this goes with all the therapists I've been to actually) he's actually think wow, this girl is batshit crazy. Or he's compiling a mental list of disorders, which sounds worse.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

My therapist doesn't allow me to email like that. I have written things down and given them to her to read during my appointments quite often though. Sometimes it takes a while for things to be safe to say. Sometimes you just have to start small. I took a long time to tell my therapist that I'd once had an extreme fear of throwing up too. I'd largely managed to rather miraculously force the fear away in my late teens but it would still show up at stressful times (like during my first therapy appointment, I remember feeling so sick and wanting to leave).

Sometimes you can just start small by saying there are issues you'd like to talk about that are really hard for you so you'd need to start very slowly, without too much pressure to talk too much about them. You could decide which of these big issues would be the easiest one for you to talk about first. All you need to begin with is hinting about the topic. You don't have to jump right into all the hardest details of it.

Once you start sharing one difficult thing, I think you'll start to find it easier and easier. You learn how much you can trust and rely on your therapist. They hear all sorts of things and aren't looking to judge you. They just want to help you, and the more details you give them, the more they can help.

I do know that it's possible to have these huge fears and to then overcome them, even when they were once severe enough to control and dominate your life.

I'll probably try the writing thing instead actually, just because emailing seems to intimate for me, now that you mention it. Also, it's funny that you mention getting nauseous during T appointments, because I almost always do. Which of course is a source of fear.

I feel like what I need though, is getting the hardest details out. And hinting may not be an option for me because I have ADHD (diagnosed by my lovely neurologist/psychiatrist--maybe I am batshit crazy) and if I get started on a topic and don't finish it, I will lose it and forget important things or forget that I was opening up. So it's hard for me to hint at something and then him be like *talk talk talk* "let's explore that" , and by that time I'm like "butterflies! Oh, what? I'm fine." Because "I'm fine." is like my natural state when I'm with anyone but my very closest loved ones. And so often I'm afraid of starting at all. Because then I may never finish at all and act like I'm fine, or worse ill finish and lose control and tell him too much and it would all by horrible (in my mind).

I *know* he doesn't want to judge me and just wants to help, but I dont *believe* it. There are so few people that I don't believe are judging me all the time, and even with those I sometimes misjudged their judgements. And I can't even make myself tell him this! And I'm telling it to random Internet people! Ugh! *facepalm*

[Nightlight]

It's so much easier to tell random, anonymous internet people

I get that too. The reason I write things down is because I forget details otherwise and sometimes I just need to capture everything. It does all take time though, if you start and revert back to "everything is fine" even when it's not, you will still get there eventually, and you'll get the hardest details out. My natural state is everything is just fine too, and that meant that with my therapist it was like I'd hit up against a wall and have no answers to the simplest of questions. When I was with other people, I'd always blocked off all that negative information, so it was really like there was nothing there. It can be so hard to get started, but I know now that it does get easier.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Thank you.

When I first went to my pdoc, at the height of the "black cloud period" as I refer to my depression, my h took me and he came in with me and actually did most of the talking describing to pdoc what I was like at home, I pretty much just sat there and cried and nodded my head now and then in agreement with what h was saying. It can be helpful to have someone close to you come along so they can help you get the words across.

I started seeing my t like a year and a half or something after I first went to pdoc. I wasn't ready to try talking to anyone at first. But once I did start seeing my t, I never took anyone with me there. When there were dificult things I couldn't bring myself to talk about, I wrote them out and most of the times I did that, she had me read them to her, but there were a couple where I said "NO. You read it." And she did.

I wish you all the best! There is definitely light at the end of this tunnel, I am here to attest to that, I'm currently in the termination phase of my therapy and feeling very ready to 'take it from here'. My t has been such a tremendous help to me. Even though sometimes the work was difficult and I wanted to quit, I'm so glad that I stuck it out. It is SOOOOO worth it!