[granite1]

i am leaving soon for T and i am so so so terrified .i know it isnt such a big deal and i have been told this but i am scared maybe i should just forget all this and not go. that is what i realy want. grrrrrr i'm just scared it's whatever right who cares .

[granite1]

i know this is all BPD ish and everyone here hates that but im scared

[Syra]

Originally Posted by granite1

i know this is all BPD ish and everyone here hates that but im scared

I'm curious why you think we would hate you for being scared?

[granite1]

why am i crying like a stupid out of controle idiot .this isn't what T is about i know this monts ago god i just want to didapear. i know it isn't good

[granite1]

her room is horrible and the walls ooze with hate for me i feel so small .she knows this i know it and she needs to stop pretending and i cant get her to stop and be real. maybe i need to not go and make things worse .how stupid

[granite1]

if i go there i know i will SI i knw it . i can feel how horrible i am when i am sitting ther i dont want to feel that any more i don't .why does she want me to .how does that help god i am so confused .i really am .i dont know what she is about at all.

[sconnie892]

Granite

[granite1]

sorry sconnie i know you are scared i'm sorry

[BashfulBear]

Originally Posted by granite1

her room is horrible and the walls ooze with hate for me i feel so small .she knows this i know it and she needs to stop pretending and i cant get her to stop and be real. maybe i need to not go and make things worse .how stupid

((Granite))

I know that when you're completely swept up and spiralling in negative thoughts and emotions it's just not a possibility to even consider stepping back and looking at the situation rationally, but I really feel that your T doesn't hate you. I truly believe it's your perception being clouded by fear, past events, trauma, etc. I can tell you now that if my T hated me, she wouldn't work with me. She couldn't work with me. She certainly wouldn't invite me to keep coming back for weekly sessions like your T does.

I'm truly sorry you feel so awful about it though, I really am. That 'place' is so familiar to me, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone to be there. Please take care of yourself as best as you can, Granite. I'll be thinking of you during session. I do think you should go - avoidance is rarely ever a good answer (speaking from experience). If you need pocket riders, I'll be with you all the way supporting you, promise! *hand on heart*

[granite1]

i took 3 of my trazidone so i hope it will kick in before i get to her office and i can't feel all that horrible ness .i hate it .it always ends this way they all se you know they really bo.

[murray]

((Granite)) I hope you go to your appointment. Your T doesn't hate you, she cares and wants to help you. It is so hard to believe that when in those awful spirals, I get it, but please try to accept your T's caring. She isn't all of those people that hurt you in the past and she doesn't think anything bad about you because of what others did to you. maybe you could tell her all of this?

[WikidPissah]

No one hates you chickie. No one. The hatred is over, it was back then, not now.

I know it feels like you are being hated, but I promise you that your feelings are lying. It isn't real. Don't hate on yourself, please.

[sconnie892]

Granite
I hope you went to your appointment and it went well.

[Lamplighter]

Sending you some hugs Granite and will be thinking of you. Hope the session goes infinitely better than you are fearing

Torn

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( granite ))))

I hope you are able to express some of what you're going through to T and that your T provides you with the help and support you need. I know it's hard to trust when you're in that place. (( HUGS ))

[pbutton]

(((Granite)))) No one here hates you

[rainbow8]

granite: how did it go? No one hates you, especially not your T! You have a lot of stuff in the past that takes over and makes you think that people hate you. It's not true at all! It will take time for you to believe that, I know.

[granite1]

i tried to tell her how it was like to sit in that chair and have her say the things she said.i wanted her to see me sitting there and hear it all but she just said she didn't remember saying anything anything like that at all.but i was there .she says I'm mixing things up .it is so so so crazy making .i was there she did say these things .she did. i told her i didn't like what she said but it was OK that it may be the truth she didn't need to lie .she said she isn't lying she has no reason to . i hit the chair so that she could see that i know the truth. and she just looked at me . she said she would never tell me it was OK to hurt myself ,she would never agree that i am selfish. but she said it. then she wants to remember i matter. so confusing. why is she lying. she said she wants me to tell her what happened .i tried to show he but she wouldnt listen. i just want her to know how it is to sit in this chair and hear these things. i told her i hate this stupid place and why do they like to do that. and she asked what when i had just spent the time telling her .why speak.

I don't think she is lying to you, Granite. Sometimes we can feel triggered by something someone says that reminds us of something painful, and from that very moment, what we are really hearing is not what is really being said, but our "memory" of what we have heard in the past. It can seem completely "real", but that's the nature of that kind of dissociation/flashback,etc. Granite, what you "heard" were your mother's words, not your T's words. You've gotten them mixed together. I really think you have. I've done this myself.

Granite....I'm not doubting that you heard what you think you heard...I'm sorry that going to see T didn't settle things for you...

therapy is confusing...

my T once said to me that he doesn't think sometimes that I see him in the therapist chair that I say things but that I'm not really talking to him. Do you think maybe that what you are hearing is the messages from the past?

My T says of self destructive behavior that he doesn't concentrate on the behavior whether it is ED or SI or whatever...he wants to concentrate on the feelings that cause it and to find another coping mechanism to use...

[WikidPissah]

((chickie))

[sittingatwatersedge]

well, granite, from here to next session she can think about what you told her, and if when you see her again she still doesn't get it, you can explain it again. I know that T has had to tell me some things repeatedly. I don't like it, but in the end I'm glad she kept trying.

Hey granite, I had this issue after marriage counseling last week. My H said he didn't think it was his job to support our family. I HEARD him say those words. For a variety of reasons, those words were really upsetting to me, and I interpreted them as him saying he does not really love me. [A big theme in our marriage counseling has been my feeling that he does not have my back, and has no desire to care for or support our family, and this translates to me as him not loving me.] So THIS week, we were talking about it and neither my husband nor the MC remembered H saying those words. But I KNOW HE DID. Then MC was talking about his impression of what H said. Yeah, but HE SAID THOSE WORDS. I know he did. He and MC may have interpreted them differently in the overall scheme of what was said, but HE SAID the words I heard. I apparently shut down and stopped listening to the rest, but I know he said what I heard.

Anyway, not sure that I am that helpful. Just wanted you to know that I have had a similar experience. And a similar response that the words either were not said, or were not said in the way I think.

And also, MC seemed kind of annoyed that I did not bring it up at the time. I tried to explain about being so hurt I became inarticulate, and then he suggested I raise my hand next time that happens so we can back up and try to address it. Yeah, because if I cannot talk, I'm totally going to be able to raise my hand and draw attention to myself.

[Sannah]

granite, your T said something like "what about those people"? You interpreted it as that you were selfish but this wasn't her meaning. The way that we interpret what someone says can be way off what they meant. This is why it is always good to address anything that upsets you just to check with them to see what they really meant. I have done this so many times and always the person didn't mean what I interpreted. Our experiences do affect how we interpret our present.

Good work though bringing all of this up in session!

granite, you are not small. I understand why you feel small. I've been there many times! I actually address this with myself. I caught myself feeling this way a few weeks ago. I felt awful. Do the exercise in my signature. Do it several times a day. It really helps. When you feel small, the world and people close in on you and you feel that you can't act. When you feel big, it is different. You maintain your space and don't feel trapped. You can act and feel more powerful.