Sabotaging my life (could trigger)

Through your writing I see someone who doesn't deserve to be rejected or alienated by their family. I understand how they make you feel so low and how hard life is right now because of that. Their truth, the way they treat you, the way the make you feel, it's not the only truth. I'm sorry you don't have anyone to turn to right now. I know it's hard and from the inside it often seems as if there is no relief and no way though. I think you will find the strength to stand up for yourself again. You're worth fighting for.

I just want to encourage you. You are not BAD or WRONG. What you are doing is not awful or shameful. You take medication to sleep the day away, I used to do that too. It's a horrid feeling, and it brings on shame that you are copping out of life, but it isn't BAD or WRONG. It's what you do to get by. You are surviving. Hooking up with men is also neither BAD nor WRONG. It's a coping skill. It has it's use to get you by. You are doing what you know to do. Sure, there are better skills, but these have worked.

Until now.

Can you just convey to your t that things feel out of control? That you are sinking fast? T will know what to do. You don't have to figure your way out of this alone.

Best wishes, and hugs.

Thank you all very much. I have lots to think about. I have to wonder if I should spill all of this to my T.
I appreciate all your responses.

Wondering how you're doing, Calista. With your family treating you the way they are, no wonder you snapped. I'm sure it was all adding up for a while, but really, there aren't many things that feel worse than being rejected by one's own mother. It reminded me of something my mom did once -- something that wasn't a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but was a very definite rejection of me, and it STILL hurts to think about (and that was 8 or 9 years ago!). I'm sure this is making everything much harder for you.

Definitely spill to T, if you can. Even if only little by little. You shouldn't be carrying all of this by yourself.

Just heard my mother was hospitalized with pneumonia. I don't feel like a welcomed visitor so I can't go to see her. The same senario as my fathers illness and death. I never got the chance to tell him how much I loved him. It feels like the beginning of the end.

My mother was hospitalized last May. I didn't go. She's fine. I believe she will outlive me. We're here to support you whatever you do or post.

All the stresses lately have made me feel really crazy. I wake and do not know where I am or when it is. This confusion continues for quite a while after I am awake. I decided to not complicate my or anyone's life by seeing other men. It's my special recipe for disaster. I know how wrong it is for me to be doing this. My T wants me hospitalized but I'm very wary of it. It helped in the past but things are different now. Hospitals don't really offer help any more;they just keep you alive. Between my family's rejection and mothers illness and unemployment and the rest of life....I feel I did snap. It's all too much to deal with. For now, I 'll see T and try to stay safe. It's easier now because I think I've caught the flu so I don't want to move out of bed. This is kind of run-on and meaningless...sorry. Thanks all for the support and care.

Can you leave a message for your T saying you are having a hard time with wanting to come in but will come in anyway? That way, your T will know even before you arrive.

Well not only did T forget our appointment, but now that my mother is home, she "isn't up to" talking to me. I'd really like to disappear. Oh maybe I already did LOL . I seem to be forgotten easily. I wrote an upset e mail to T saying that these constant triggers (his forgetting me) have made me want to stop therapy. I'm really tired of the fight.

I haven't made up my mind what to do as far as quitting T. I don't feel he is up for handling me any more. He's getting older and I believe I drain him. I don't feel safe any more; not with T, or any provider. I wonder if any really care any more? I haven't felt cared for in that setting for so long. I'm so sad. I want what I used to have with my T. I am tired of my ups and downs....my rollercoaster. I'm still unable to leave the house much. I can't figure out what caused this or what I'm afraid of. The physical reasons that could cause this have almost been ruled out. I am depleted in Vit. D and my sed rate and CRP are elevated (inflamation) My bllod pressure is through the roof and well...we won't talk about the cholesterol. I will lower it on my own.

Yes. It was only desperation that kept me going back in the early days.

I didn't have much hope, but my despair drove me to keep trying. Something told me: "This is your last chance. You have to take it."

Calista I completely get self sabotage. I noticed for me it is a way to gain control over my situation. I turn to self sabotage as a comforting mechanism, as in I know what to expect and how to make it work. The self loathing that comes with it also brings me comfort as its familiar. For me its all a control issue. I can control the self sabotage and I know what it will bring, no surprises. I am sorry your family is rejecting. When I am rejected it just jump starts my urge to punish me. I am trying very hard not to continue with this pattern as the outcome is always the same. I set out to get all the hurt and pain I deserve. I can make the pain and sadness I feel on the inside, match on the outside. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. I hope you stay with T and discuss all this.

LolaCabanna

Thanks for understanding. It does give a sense of control. It's the only control I have these days.

You reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” Anais Nin

I googled for the exact quote, and came upon this blog.
http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/quote-...etting-unstuck
I always think it’s very significant that it was in the very act of communicating with others that I came into a more intimate contact with myself, that the moment in which I started to open up to others was the moment in which I opened up to myself and acknowledged my pain.