Not being in my head is scary!

My past three sessions have been so different from anything I have ever done in therapy. I continued to spend about half the session writing down words and then talking about them. It feels scary because I don't have control. I'm not thinking; I'm writing and talking, like "throwing up" stuff. Near the end of the session, my T asked me to draw a picture of the child who was there. I don't remember how we got to "the child", actually more like a pre-teen. She asked how she felt. I said "alone". Then she wanted me to get in the position I saw her in. I covered up my face, put my head down. She was hiding.

I'm in uncharted territory now. I've discussed the issues before but now I'm feeling and experiencing too. I'm being messy and I hate being messy! T says it's all right; she's there listening to me. I'm scared but comforted at the same time. I'm feeling weird, not embarrassed. I hope that I'll be able to get on with my life tomorrow. I wish it were next week already. T said we'd continue where we left off today, but I always worry that next week won't happen. The meds haven't helped those fears yet. I'm going to take 1 1/2 pills tonight.

Hi Rainbow,
This does sound scary, but so so good for you!
It sounds like your t is taking more of an expressive arts approach with the writing and the drawing, and I think that's so good for you. It gets you out of your head and your body and emotions involved, just coming at things from another angle. It's why I like expressive arts so much.
I'm also proud of you for taking one and a half of the zoloft. That's good. I really hope this helps with your OCD.
Overall you seem like you're going down a good path.

Great work Rainbow!!!!!!!!

Thank you, Adel. A few weeks ago my T suggested my drawing something because I was having trouble talking about it. I don't think either of us expected that I would spend the next few sessions asking for the drawing paper again! I'm so glad my T is willing to use the expressive arts because for most of my therapy, she has told me that EMDR changes the brain, and that would help me the most. Then she studied SE, somatic experiencing, and said that would help me more. I don't think the EMDR was very successful for me, and she realized that it's not a cure for everyone. The writing and drawing seem to do more for me than the EMDR did, to get me out of my head. She still uses IFS, Internal Family Systems, when she asks me about a part, like "how old is she?" or "what is she feeling", etc. I really like my T. The best thing is that it's been about me, yet I feel closer to her than ever before!

I feel shaky today and I took my blood pressure and blood sugar, which are both normal. So it's probably the increase in zoloft, or wouldn't 1/2 pill make a difference? I think I'm on a good path too!

Thank you, Sannah!!!!!!

Still really glad to hear this. It reminds of something someone told me once, which is that in a couple, when one accuses the other of fearing intimacy, chances are, the accuser is just as fearful. I guess it makes me think of your really really wanting your T to love you -- yet holding back from her. True love and intimacy come when we are willing to be open about ourselves. Keep it up, keep it up...

I'm not sure the meds will help with specific fears. This is reminding me of something, too -- a conversation I had with a friend when she first started antidepressants. I asked her how it was going, and she gave a kind of "meh" answer. I said I was sorry, that was too bad, but that maybe she just hadn't found the right dose/combo yet. I told her, "They don't work for everybody, but for me, they can keep me at a baseline level of 'ok', that helps me just deal with things in a way I can't when I'm depressed. I don't just wake up upset anymore, I just get upset when there is something to be upset about." She said, "Oh, they do that for me too. I usually just feel ok at baseline. So now I look for things to get upset about." When my friend told me later that she thought she had treatment-resistant depression, I just kind of sighed, thinking back to this, when she even said her drugs were working. Something was treatment-resistant, but I don't think it was her depression. Remember, these drugs are for moods, not thoughts. So look for signs that things are getting *easier* -- don't look for stuff to go away, because a lot of that will require changes in behavior, attitude, etc., that can be facilitated by medication but will not be accomplished by medication alone.

You're getting there. Good on you for giving the increased dose a shot.

Thank you for the above story about your friend and meds. I know I'm not at a therapeutic dosage yet, and I know the zoloft won't make all my problems go away. I'm glad I'm trying, though.

Well done Rainbow, from what I have read of your posts lately you are really progressing. You are open to learning new ways to cope and to get support outside of therapy,Ie your husband. Also you don't get so triggered by responses to your threads anymore. I hope you realise how far you have come and how much work you have done.

Thank you, button. What a nice compliment you've given me! I think that attending a DBT group and being willing to try meds have given me more confidence. I'm trying to act nicer towards my H, too. I don't get triggered by responses to my threads as much because they aren't about my obsession/attachment to my T all the time now. So I don't have a need to be defensive. I kind of know I'm in a different place now, but I also know how fragile that place is. My T could "shatter my dreams" again in an instant, but hopefully I'm a little more resilient so I can manage better.

Thanks for the hug, Sannah! I always appreciate that you come back to my threads with a "hug" or a "thanks". I want to post in your thread, but don't have time right now.

I am still scared about being out-of-control and spewing forth stuff in my sessions. I know it's what T is about but I've rarely done that in all of my years of therapy. I intellectualize instead. I'm trying to stay calm, but I find myself ruminating and trying to make sense out of all my "stuff" from the past, some of which affects me today. It's better that I don't make sense of it because for some reason I need to just let it all out. It's hard, even with a T as compassionate and gentle as mine is!

This makes a lot of sense Rainbow. So much sense. IMO this quote up there is your big issue in a nutshell.

IMO you have been trying to contain all of your feelings from real life and along side all of this have a fantasy life where everything is great (this is the intellectualization).

You are doing such great work!

(And thank you for your kind comments! )