What is your source of self worth?

I guess so.... I have told my story, hit on all the "major" bad I can remember but I guess I'm not sure how to release it. Crying and releasing emotions surrounding those stories is foreign to me. I spent so much time and energy being able to tell my story while covering the pain with humor and minimalism it that I believed it was dealt with. Me telling T that , " my parents nickname for me was Rita the retard. " evokes no emotion in me and even when he does the whole. "I'm sorry they did that".... still nothing. Almost like I am telling the story of someone else. My guess is I need to tap into the emotions that I worked so hard to bury long long ago.

Yup...... good luck!

Do you get worth from your horses?

A very important realisation. They used to tell me I was like that in the early days of the Good Group.

How did you tap into it?

Thanks CE I did once, a little of it (or something kind of, sort of, a little bit like self worth). My horses seemed to value me, so that was like finally, I was good enough for something. I was accepted as good enough, exactly as I was. While I had a great pony, I could be out there achieving things, because she was so good and she took care of me. My current horse is retired and I do gain some things from him, but not self worth. I guess I've never had that sense of it inside myself really. I really have no idea how to actually, truly like or appreciate a single bit of me. I'm always just trying to force away the feelings of being valueless, worthless, and completely horrible. That seems to be the best that I can manage. I can't recall a time in my life when I've felt better than that. It's always been about looking away from how awful I am. It all seems so impossible. T hasn't given up on me yet. So that's something.

I was a bit like that in terms of burying the emotions for the first few years of therapy too Lola (though it doesn't sounds like my experience is exactly like yours).

Surprisingly, I really connected with T and so it would automatically draw up some feelings when I talked about the hard stuff. The whole experience of that was so unnerving and unnatural though, that I would also automatically block the emotions. I would just feel blank whenever she asked a question and annoyingly I ended up saying "I don't know" to a lot, because I really didn't know how I felt or what I'd previously felt at the time she was asking. The things I talked about were only the things I could say while standing from a distance. If T did anything herself that upset me, I might mention it once I was feeling okay again. "It seems silly now, but at the time when you. . .I felt really awful".

I'm so much better now about sharing the true emotions connected with something, but it was such a gradual thing. I noticed it happened really slowly as the trust, stability and duration of the relationship increased. Even now though, I'll often feel no emotions if I talk about something painful from the past. The times when it's more likely to bring up emotions for me, I think, is when it's connected with something in the present. Suddenly something now is making me feel all those same feelings again, and that's when I've been the most able feel the emotions that were once connected with the past (and present) situation, and then share them with T (and not carry them alone anymore).

I think the crazy ruptures between me and T also actually pushed me so far over into desperation too, that suddenly...poor T got all the emotions that I've never shared with anyone. Since then, I have been more able to share the emotions connected with my story...and as a result I think I've had more help with my genuine struggles, rather than talking about it all logically from a great distance. I wouldn't recommend the ruptures though.

I get my self-worth from others, sadly. Sometimes from me too but I also have to have others comment like that validates my opinion. If somebody finds a teeny mistake in my work when the bulk of it was fantastic, to me I've failed. T and I have been working on my perfectionism and how it's led to my serious procrastination. Speaking of which, I have to go back to my paper that was due in May.

I don't know!

The reason they thought I was detached from my own story might have been the fact that I couldn't look them in the eye. I taught myself to look them in the eye by will power and long practice.

I've found eye contact to be important too, though it's worked in a slightly different way for me. I started off always looking at T (in fake it mode, I think) and that was when I was disconnected. I stopped looking at her while I talked to her, after our recent ruptures. Partly it was because so much of the hurt came from her and it didn't feel safe to see what she reflected back to me, and part of it was because I was being so open and honest, and connected to my story, I think.

I'm starting to force myself to look at T again now, though I can only do it for a short while and it depends on what we're talking about. It's never been an issue before, so it's quite odd to suddenly struggle with eye contact. I think I never struggled before because I was so careful to lock away all the emotions, so people only saw my falsely bright and cheery exterior. I think now that I'm starting to look at T briefly, while being so honest and open, and while connecting with the emotions, that things are coming together in a way they haven't before.

Nightlight, do you see how the first quote is deeply at odds with the other two? You may be feeling crappy but it sounds like you're improving like mad. The growth you describe is at the very heart of this deal. Many, many people run from or deny their feelings because they are too terrifying, especially people with traumatic histories. Having the inner resources and bravery to face them in the presence of that fear shows the depth of your work and strength. Maybe you could give yourself some credit for that?

Thanks so much for pointing that out. My thinking is certainly not very clear at the moment, so I really appreciate that. I've tried so hard these last few months and I really hope you're right. I hope something good will come out of this.

I always make eye contact with everyone, but it's what I think you refer to as fake. I have even been told it is a bit intimidating. Maybe It's the wrong kind of eye contact.

I make eye contact with real people. I rarely look at the therapist.

I have trained myself to look at the bridge of a person's nose while speaking face to face... sometimes I zone in on lips.

You're a pleasure to work with.

I tend to look people in the mouth.

eeewww. lol

I look down, mostly. Some people like it; some actively dislike it. Go figure.

Like the gift horses?

haha

(Cough, cough!)

Those especially.

I now have no idea what I was coughing about, but I'm sure I thought it was clever at the time. What a douche I am! Sorry, dog! I think I've been watching too much American Idol...

I did not understand the coughing. But I don't think you are a douche.