What is your source of self worth?

snuffleupagus,

Im glad that I ran across your post. It sounds very familiar. I just started meditation, self affirmations, actually, I'm grasping at straws in my fight to keep my thoughts in check. Like you, my inner critic is relentless. Im going to get the book you suggested.
Thanks

My apologies Hankster. I know you are a female. No explanation for the gender confusion.

That fight is so incredibly exhausting, isn't it? It is truly constant. My continual losing of the battle only made my critic fiercer. I had a feeling my foe was too strong for a frontal assault. More and more I find wisdom in attacking my biggest emotional and mental issues from the flank. Like, that is what I want inscribed on my tombstone, "Attack from the flank."

There is nothing new in the book I mentioned, it is more a collection of historical approaches to peace which involve either an embrace of the craptastic nature of life and inevitability of death or some sort of negation of common sense notions of ourselves and the world.

I vacillate from hating myself to tolerating me. If something happens to people or things around me, it must be my fault and I hate me for it. I will beat myself up for weeks on end over anything that has caused the norm to sway. I never think I'm great, but if everyone and thinsg are status quo then I attribute that to my not f'en anything up, yet.

This is so me. Plus, if things are status quo, that just means that no one has Found Out. I live in fear of being Found Out.

T and I have spent many a session working on that.

A fear that the real you will show up for the party and not the you that you have tried so hard to be? Ugg

This. THIS.

Yep. Because the real me would be a bad thing to let show.

I get this, the real me is the part I wish I could off.

While I still struggle with it occasionally, I've come to realize how little power I have in the world. While it can be something of a letdown to realize that everyone else's happiness does not actually hinge on me in terms of how important I believed I was, it is also a great relief to let go of that responsibility. With miniscule power comes miniscule responsibility. The book I mentioned also talks at some length about what incredibly limited creatures we are and how our delusions of grandeur get us into trouble.

Good point Lola, that there is more than just trying to build up positive. A person also has to deal with the negative that they have in their head about themselves.

I think that a person needs to go to the root of negative beliefs because we all know how roots will just keep growing until they are uprooted. Do you understand how you developed this negative self image?

Snuffulupagus,

You hit the nail on the head. Right now my mind is giving me a chance to catch my breath. Maybe the Meditation is working. But. In the back of my mind, just sitting there, waiting to attach, is the the dreaded thought that this respite won't last. It is a constant battle.

How I am finding my self-worth is rather oxymoronic. I am realizing the world isn't about ME (cue Shane and Shane's "Aware"). Probably 50% of the time, when I think someone is mad at me, they are not. It has nothing to do with me. The other 50% of the time when they are mad at me, 99% of the time, it still has nothing to do with me. It has to do with how they are perceiving me and viewing me through their filters and veils of pain.

I believe God made me and He made me for a purpose. We all still influence each other and I try to choose to influence for good, but I fail at times as we all do.

I am realizing more and more that life is a series of choices and accepting the consequences of those choices. I have two good examples of this.

1. A client of mine decided last Friday that he was not going to the LEC, where he works. I went over to the group home and sat down with him and the day support advocate who remained behind with him. I told him that he had made a choice not to go to work. I told him that missing work held two consequences; one, he lost income for that day, and two, he wasn't going to get to go bowling that afternoon because it was an LEC activity. I asked him if he was willing to accept those consequences. He said yes. I asked him if he felt bad, sad, depressed, angry, etc. He said he was fine. I said that he couldn't lie around and watch TV. He had to help the advocate complete tasks around the house. He agreed to do so. I reminded him of his goals; to obtain his GED, learn to take the bus, eventually obtain his drivers license. He said he'd return to the LEC Monday. I said not to go for me, but for himself. Monday, he was telling everyone he came because he is working toward his goals.

2. I have had problems with my T in the last month. I had gotten myself into a depressive spiral and became over dependent on her to meet my needs. She decided that was going to cease and placed strict boundaries on the relationship. The first week, I had a very hard time dealing with it. I was already getting down on myself before this happened. I realized last Thursday that I was choosing to feel this way and I was not going to allow T or anyone else (including myself; cue Pink's "Don't Let Me Get Me") dictate my worth. H helped me the night before. I told him I felt like T and I were on a boat in the middle of a large lake. T shoved me into the water and yelled, "SWIM". I'm drowning in deep water. T won't let me get back in the boat, she shoves me back in the water. It's too far to swim to shore. I'm surely going to die. H told me to reframe that story because it was MY story. He said, "Stand up. You're only standing in three feet of water. Look T in the eye. Realize that you have nothing left to lose because you're in the water. She's in the boat. I could choose to push her in the lake. I could walk to shore. No matter what, she loses. I decided that Thursday that I am worthy, confident, intelligent, and competent and no one was going to make me believe otherwise. The best part was getting to look T straight in the eye, unwavering, and tell T that this past Wednesday. Her look was incredulous, then pleased.

That's not to say that I've not had a bad couple of days since deciding. I'll always have bad days. But even when I do, I am still worthy, confident, intelligent, and competent.

I sincerely hope you find your answers, Lola.

I have tried three times to post to this thread and have erased three times.

(((sawe))) congratulations on your perseverance and your successful 4th attempt!
Keep going....

Brilliant work!

I'm glad you have such a supportive H.

I had a conversation like this with my T:

Me: I know that if I want to learn to skate, I have to let go of the side. But sometimes I'm going to fall down.
T: Or you can lean on me.

Hmmm... Maybe I underestimate how supportive my T is.
I am so focussed on her not supporting me my way that I can't see her supporting me her way.

I also get worth from helping people.

I followed this thread for a bit because I'm all ears as to ways one can boost a sense of self worth, lol got derailed with all the baseball stuff but have caught up again - interesting thoughts that have been posted.

I never had anything to contribute, but maybe there are others who can relate to my set up, whereby I have no self worth and nothing at all gives me any sense of achievement or self satisfaction or just plain feeling good about being me. In fact I would be 'cured' if even once I could feel even ok about being me .

I see just about everyone else has some capacity to think highly of themselves or to feel good about themselves, at least at times. I don't have that at all. I am very envious of those of you who by your own admission struggle with issues of self worth, but who nevertheless are able to glean some sense of self as good from some things. Not sure if that makes anyone feel better lol, but I'd give anything to get rid of Anti-Me and feel safe inside my head, even for a few moments.

Not sure this is a particularly relevant post either, just my mood I think, needing to talk.

I'm the same. I said today to T that I understood that someone like me was hard to work with for such a long time (four years), because I never really get better (I'm always low or veryveryvery low). She acknowledged, for the first time (thank goodness) that she deals with me for an hour a week and I get no escape. The truth is that I have no good things ever, no self worth, just nothing. Sometimes I try really hard to pretend...but I've got nothing.

Lola, I really hope things keep heading in the right direction for you too. I think you can do it and it really sounds like T is on your side and will help you through this.

When you are really down (on yourself) it can take a long time to change from that. I think if you stay around here long enough you might see it happening for yourself. Lots of people who have been through it, and know that you are not "bad" for feeling that way, or for any other reason.

I have a good imagination and a good sense of humor, am honest and getting to know these things and others about myself and how to appreciate them (and commiserate with myself when I have to be honest and it would be easier to do things "quick and dirty" as my stepmother use to call it) just having a good, pleasant self dialogue going with "inside" jokes and all has made a big difference to me.

I can be engaged with myself and share myself with others rather than try to engage others in issues about myself.

I think my T is trying, he wants to help. Ultimately , it is I who has to change, I need to find a sense of self worth. I really need to believe that I am worthy of love and not a bad person. Erasing all the negative things I have heard and felt my whole life and replace them with an inner cheerleader. Its like having to get to know yourself all over again. I am not what others have said I was.

Do you have a plan for this Lola?

Nope, not a clue... guess it will pan out like everything else in life, Ill wing it or fake it til I make it, after all life is "on the job training". Right now I am using sheer will power and trying to be conscience of what I am saying to myself. I am trying not to beat myself up over recent poor decisions that led to some heartbreak for me and take a good hard look at my life , seeking the positives. It's hard though, I have to stay active and aware all the time. I figure 39 years of negative can't be corrected in a day , huh? LOL

Lola, have you talked about all these negatives from your past in session? I find that this is the best way to make them disappear, by jumping into them in session and exploring the hell out of them (and release all of those feelings surrounding them).