What is your source of self worth?

T pointed out today that I gather my sense of self worth through others. According to him , if a child is not loved for just being themselves they lack a positive sense of self worth. I find this "love" in the happiness of others. If they are happy with me then I feel loved. But if they are upset or sad I attribute it to me and start to feel bad about myself. This leaves me at the mercy of how others perceive me or how I perceive they perceive me. This is my unhealthy way of feeling loved. What are some ways that one can build their self worth from within? How do you self love?

((Lola)) I wish I could help you with this but I struggle with the same thing. Sorry am no help at all with this but sending you lots of support and hugs.

I am pretty sure mine is not from other people. I don't particularly get a feeling of love from the happiness of others. I figured they did that themselves and didn't get their happiness from me. (I mean I don't try to make others sad usually, but just I don't attribute their happiness to anything I did or did not do). So I don't know - from myself I guess.

This is the exact thing I was told to think about this week. But I don't feel any self worth at all. Not from others and not from myself. So where in the world does one get it if they never had it?

I've been struggling with the question and no answer has appeared. I'm determined to get an answer out of T next week.

Interesting question. I think in part, it comes from others. If it didn't, then parents would not be so effective at sending their kids out into the world with tapes that denigrate their self-worth, or a heart full of faith in themselves and security about where they belong. I think extended family can counteract some of that, as can healthy other adult relationships once they are grown.

I still battle *some* of the messages embedded in my psyche.

Bottom line is that connections with others are a potent source of sense of self worth, whether positive or negative.

I also get a sense of self-worth (which is more positive) from my successes and accomplishments. I think that's probably the most stable source of a sense of self-worth. When I venture out and attempt something, and do it well, I feel very good about who I am. It definitely makes me want to repeat the experience, too. I get a tremendous sense of joy from the work I do. I am a healthcare provider, and I can float for days on the memories of scared patients and their scared parents, who by the time I was finished with them, they felt safe and empowered. (In my line of work, I have inpatients that I'm taking care of for 12 hr shifts, 4 or so days a week).

Work and wages are important sources of self-worth. That is why unemployment is so soul-destroying.

Finding I am able to figure things out that others have told me is impossible for me.

I think before T, I only got a teeny little bit from my first horse who was amazing and made me look better than I was. A one person horse who was very wise and really chose me, and who would do anything for just me. I didn't have anyone else and I wasn't good at anything else. Never tried, failed school, so I really didn't get any self worth from any achievements. I think since T, I've got a little from her, but I can't hold onto it myself at all. T wishes I could. Like recently when she's said so many awful things about me and been really angry at me, it's sort of shattered everything because she was the only thing that reflected back any self worth to me...and now?

Sorry I have no helpful advice! Any advice from me is probably a bit worthless really, since I struggle so much myself. I'd guess that part of it may come from others, but you have to learn to hold onto it, that you are still those things and they don't go away. Also maybe by appreciating and recognising that things that make you you and the things you are good at and like about yourself. One thing, just about the only thing I like about myself is that I do care about other people. I know I felt a little better about myself when I worked in a job where I often helped people and also when I volunteered helping kids. I think if you've often got people reflecting back and recognising something about you that is a good thing, then maybe it becomes a little easier for you to hold onto yourself and have a bit more self worth? Sorry! Not entirely helpful, I know.

Yes.

This kind of worth is very powerful, but it can also be a trap.

It means that my worth depends on a constant success, which is very tall order. It means I am crushed by my failures.

I need a sense of worth that keeps working even when I can't.

Personally I don't understand the question. Self worth. Isn't that like trying to see my own face without a mirror?

I struggle with tearing myself to shreds in my inner monologue. I have tried lots of different tactics to knock this off unsuccessfully: meditation, CBT, doing esteemable acts. I don't think I really need to think I'm fantastic, so much as I need to stop with the self-flagellation.

I've recently read a neat little book called The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking. It talks about the self being a fiction, a useful fiction, but a fiction nonetheless, and that when one thinks of the self this way, it makes much less sense to assess it as being either good or bad, worthy or unworthy. So this line of thought is helping me to sidestep the struggle and just focus on my current actions and choices to try to make them as healthy and useful as possible.

My job is the only thing that gives me self worth, but I haven't been able to go in two weeks.

This is not an option for me either as I already put pressure on myself regarding work and money. I need to find something within myself, so that I don't risk losing it.

self worth or self esteem , and no not at all. It's more like recognizing your own face and being ok with it , without a mirror.

7 steps to self love..

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...tion-self-love

Totally unhelpful I know, but I don't know the answer. I'll ask T on Tuesday and let you know what she says.

I think that is very good stuff Jersey. Thank you!

ooh, I like this one!

woooo. what would happen if by chance you were not able to figure it out..... ?

If this is about unconditional love for yourself then it can't be based on any condition. As soon as there is "I love myself because ..." or "I love myself for ..." it stops being unconditional. If this is about increasingly less conditional love, that's fine. I started with a sense of humor and with forgiving myself for the situation I was in. Increasingly I began to realize that there was very little about me that was actually unique to me. Maybe that doesn't sound very good, but it came as a relief to realize that the people around me were going through the same problems and figuring out the same questions. I was overestimating what it is just to have a human experience, and under-valuing myself at the same time.

Trigger for religious talk..


I find my self worth/self love in who I am in God... God created me and God doesn't make junk..

I am the master of baseball trivia. I'm sure there exists my better(Bill James comes immediately to mind), but I have never met anyone that could take me.

Give me time.

I can so relate to this. T and I are talking a lot about how I look at myself through others' eyes, and particularly those who I deem as authority figures in some way. So, if I think they are thinking well of me, then "I am okay". If they are not thinking well of me then "I am not okay" (in fact, I am often devastated).

I think it takes practice to see things in ourselves that we think are worthy. And to see that we think are worthy no matter who disagrees, or feels less interested, or places less importance on those things. I think it is really hard to define that for myself. I am easily swayed by criticism, because I think others know more than I do. Criticism, or even lack of enthusiastic agreement, can create a response in me from doubting my initial feeling of worth, to rejecting that initial feeling of worth and wondering how in the world I could have been so delusional. I'm trying to learn to allow myself to respond to criticism (or lack of enthusiastic agreement) differently - to not accept their view through their eyes, to be able to say "No, that isn't 'me'", to question their view/vision.

I think it's really important to work on, and it's great that your therapist is helping you with this

In my personal relationships, I'm much like you, Lola. I take it a bit further - others don't have to be demonstrably unhappy with me. I tend to think others are pretty much most of the time. I'm terribly insecure and am usually convinced that whatever the problem is (even if there really is no problem at all), it's my fault.

Professionally, it comes from my successes and accomplishments, although even there, I tend to think my successes and accomplishments are more a matter of luck and my ability to fool other people into thinking I have a clue.

Is it any wonder that I see T twice/week?

May trigger for church talk:

My self worth never changes because its deep in me due to what God says about me in the Bible. his word never changes,and He says that Although I am a sinner, i am also forgiven and that i am His princess, completely loved, and that I dont have to do anything to earn hIs love. It doesnt matter to me what people thik of me, (& some peoplehave been totally rotten to me and said very bad things), or if my job goes badly (& it has) or if bad things happen to me ( which has happened many times ) or if i look terrible in the mirror )which happens).
My self worth can always stay good because I always know what God says about me is true.

Heres an example
http://www.joycemeyer.org/content/ar...aminchrist.pdf

Oh we are going to have to talk! I can't believe you compared yourself to Bill James. He INVENTED baseball statistics!! You're too funny!!

It makes me feel good to be able to talk sports with my T. He is a real sports nut, my parents always discouraged it. So it just amazes me that I have this new thing that I'm fairly good at that makes me fit in almost anywhere, and still utilizes or expresses my individuality. It amazes me. It amazes me that my T accomplished this in me. After various work, financial, and romantic setbacks over the past couple of centuries, I was DEPLETED. I even lost my sense of humor, cuz I noticed when it returned. That's what a t pouring honey into you is about. When you're out of resources, they're the source. Or they can be.