How can I connect with you guys?

I don't really know how to phrase this w/o sounding like a jerk or conceited.

I feel like I've tried to make connections on here but have failed. I sometimes try to jump in and chat on the couch, but it doesn't usually seem like my kind of conversation. And then sometimes I try anyway, but that just makes me a bit resentful.

And then I beat myself up about it. And then I turn the tables and think it must be something wrong with the people here. Like why am I not popular or even the most popular.

This is a continually reoccurring topic in T (how I relate to others). I'm really starting to think I have narcissistic personality disorder. T has mentioned narcissism, but we've not delved into it further.

I guess I just see this happen to me in real life too where I struggle to make connections with new people. (I have a handful of friends from elementary school that made it into my circle before I "put up my fortress" as T likes to say. Most things since high school have been superficial). What am I doing wrong?

What type of reactions are you hoping for that you're not getting?

Hmm...idk how to describe it I guess. There's just a camaraderie here that I don't feel like share in. I don't think I'm shunned or anything, but I also don't think I'm part of the group.

I won't lie. The really, really selfish part of me...the part of me I am trying to change would want a reaction where I am the most liked and respected person on the board. But there is a bigger, broader aspect to this too.

I really tried to make sure I wasn't starting this thread as like a ploy for attention; that my intention is genuine self-discovery. But I just don't know.

You've mentioned before that you have difficulty believing your T cares about you. I wonder if this is an issue with your perception of how other people view you?

Fixated, I have noticed when you posted on the couch and thought, "oh good! Fixated posted also." In terms of responding to threads you have started, I often feel I don't have anything to add or any good input.

I most often feel a connection with people who have similar issues or ideas, or people who are funny. If there is no common ground that I can find with the other person, then mostly likely I am not going to feel connected or a sense of camaraderie with that person.

I think you worded your post well and honestly. I don't actually think there's ever anything close to a most liked or most popular poster on a large forum like this though. So many different people relating to other people in different ways. The best thing you can do is keep being you, keep talking and reaching out, and people will like you for who you are and what you have to offer.

And I certainly relate to parts of your post. I'm not sure I fit very well here, but I enjoy talking to the people I chat to, I enjoy relating to others, and I enjoy hearing different perspectives.

Maybe...maybe it is all just in my head. But with T, I feel like there is less evidence that she cares than there is that she doesn't. I guess it would be the same here and in life.

Idk. T would probably say I'm not allowing myself to see evidence or something.

The couch is a bit of a puzzle. It does move fast and there are some "in" jokes, so it's easy to feel left out.

I'm a regular there myself, but am I an "insider"? I dunno.

Finally, most of us on PC are insecure to some degree, so we are a bit prickly. I know I am.

I'm sorry you feel that way Fix. I always like seeing you on the couch too. I would hate to think PC was not welcoming. I look forward to getting to know you better .

Thank you. I definitely don't want this to turn into an investigation/indictment of PC and/or the Couch. Because in the end, it all come back to me.

Here's a trick I use.

Some posts go unanswered, or nearly unanswered. If you look out for posts that have very few replies, and you reply to them, the original poster will feel validated.

You don't have to be clever. A simple acknowledgement or word of encouragement is always appreciated.

So turn to page three and look for posts that everyone else has ignored!

Yes. Maybe the couch wasn't the best example to use. I will say I felt like this before the couch even existed.

Gosh. Maybe it all is just in my head. How do you even fix something like that? It seems so insurmountable.

MKAC, that you for your kind words. It is nice to know that perhaps I am noticed even when I don't realize it.

As far as what I quoted above, this brings up feelings of maybe I just don't fit into the world. Argh...but I don't feel like I should have to conform.

I'm a stranger here myself. But this planet has a lot to offer.

You don't have to conform - but if, in my experience, one doesn't, there is a price to pay. One simply has to decide if the price is worth it or not. Usually for me it is to not conform. The price for me to conform is usually not worth it. The other thing I found was that even in non-comformity, some people still liked me. It might be slightly different, but that doesn't make it not good.

I'm surprised to see this question from you just now cuz I was just thinking recently hey fixated is back and really contributing, cuz you had some longish posts recently. And I think we're like a huge mixed bouquet of flowers, each with our own special charm.

If you are participating, then you are part of the group. As for the camaraderie, I think that takes time and investment. You start building that bank by making deposits by putting yourself in other people's shoes, by responding to posts with compassion and understanding, and by sharing your experiences in therapy with the group. Other than that, it just takes time.

I know what you mean about not fitting into a group. I have felt that way about almost every group I'm a part of. The interesting thing is that I find a lot of people feel this way, even if I might think they are part of the "in crowd", whoever that is. I have come to feel that maybe that is just part of the function of groups, even internet groups like this one. Many people feel marginalized.

I've been part of a real life group at a knitting shop for many years now. I don't feel like a central part of that group and often feel left out in ways. On the other hand, when I had a crisis some months ago, I felt a tremendous outpouring of love and support for me. Now, crisis passed, I'm kind of back to feeling marginalized. What has helped me to engage with a group is to be okay with feeling marginalized and participating as my time and inclination suits me. Kind of like a way easier version of "feel the fear and do it anyway." Because I think if I waited around to find the perfect group where I felt perfectly a part of it, I'd never even try. So I go, and I talk, and I make attempts to help others or tell my silly little stories, or whatever. And that makes me part of the group, and that's enough.

Fix, you are assuming that everyone else here feels like they "fit in". I agree with Anne that I think everyone has these feelings at one time or another. For me the boards parallel IRL and the struggles I face IRL relationships are the same I face here. Only here I have a chance to work on these with people who understand what I am feeling. After all there is an underlying common ground we all share and that is therapy and all the emotions under the sun that come with it. We are all learning to deal with these things and help each other do the same. We are all in the same boat.

fix come hang with all of us i know i see you here on pc. just be who you are the rest will come. you don't have to conform. i loved what stop said .even in non conforming you will find there are people who still like you. and what lola said .this is a great place to be able to work things out with people who have a better understanding. i learn so much about what is an appropriate way to relate or react to a situation here that i would most likely in real life mess up with no second chances. here most times i always get a second chance to get it right . don't give up on us quite yet we get it eventually

Thanks, I didnt know how to word that. Second chance, this is like a practice rink for RL and most of us understand that and allow for mistakes.

Fixated, this is just an idle thought, but what would have been so wrong in starting a thread like this in order to get some recognition and validation of yourself from others, especially if you've been feeling like you don't belong or fit in or have been ignored?

Calling it a potential ploy for attention holds a negative moral meaning and I wonder if that isn't getting in the way of your feeling free and ok to take in liking and acceptance and positive stuff when it comes your way here (or IRL for that matter too)?

Funny you should mention the Couch because just before I read this thread I was looking at posting there because I really wanted to just give a couple of updates on how I was feeling and what I'd been doing without starting a whole new thread, and the Couch really is so fast moving and covers every topic under the sun that it felt wrong to try and muscle in with serious stuff when I'd not posted there before, and end up feeling resentful because no-one would have noticed my posts. I know you didn't want to pick on that thread specifically, but the very nature of that thread may have contributed to how you ended up feeling.

It's interesting how many people feel marginalized or like they don't belong, even those who from the outside appear to be really comfortable posting in the group. I find it comes in phases - sometimes I feel like a total alien and have no right to be here at all, other times I feel welcomed and accepted and very much like I might belong. Those times are usually when I've been pretty active posting so maybe there's something to be said for making a supreme effort and really working at reaching out to people especially when you least want to (which is what you've done by posting this thread, good on you!)

I hope you do feel a bit more accepted and like you belong now ((((( Fixated )))))

Torn

The couch isn't the issue, it is ourselves feeling like we don't belong there. Everyone is very nice on the couch and there is almost always someone there to talk to. I hate you have a negative feel about it Torn, but it is a very helpful place to those who use it.

This is also a good place to learn that not everyone is going to like you. Some people will like you, some will not. The dream of being the most loved poster is not a reality for anyone here.

AMEN to that