Secure attachment

I am wondering is this possible?
Have any of you experienced it?

The reason I ask is, I would like to have it but I don't. T encourages me to email her but I don't want to become too attached to her so I resist because it will hurt when our therapy ends so I would prefer to keep my distance for now. I have become so afraid to get closer to anyone that I have barriers up and won't let anyone past a certain point. Is it possible to let the barriers up safely?

This is holding you back IMO.

If you deal with the issues that make you afraid then you will be okay letting down your barriers to people that you trust.

I would love to fully experience this. Imagine being completely yourself with someone.....almost seems too good to ever be true!

It is possible. I experience it. I don't know what 'caused' it to happen. I do know that it took a loooong time. It was not something I sought or 'tried' to have. I think the possibility was provided for because my therapist wanted me to attach to her, and took our relationship very seriously. So she made it her job to "be" a secure attachment figure. Over time, I learned by over and over and over again experiences that she was not going anywhere. I think an important part of the process was the many, many ruptures we had - most of them minor. There was something about her earnest diligence in tending to those ruptures.. her refusal to let me push her away... her refusal to let me accept blame for ruptures.... her chasing me down and never letting me get away with shutting her out.. all of those things played a role in my ultimately feeling profoundly securely attached. I needed that to happen. It has changed who I am. And it's not about her being perfect, by any means. It's about her being "good enough."

It definitely can happen, and as CM said, it takes a long time.

But I honestly think you're wise (to the degree that it can be under your control) in not attaching to your current T.

To be bluntly frank, I think she has shown repeatedly that she is unable to understand/accept you fully on your terms. I haven't seen anything in your posts to indicate that this will change. And under the circumstances, I don't see how it would be possible for you to experience a secure attachment with her. The best I could envision is along the lines of attachment by creating a false self, in Winnicott terms.

I think it's totally possible for you, but not with this T.

Button, it's like walking through a dense jungle. You need to tread carefully incase there's any tiger traps. Putting a foot out here, a hand out there. With time you find your own way of finding how to safely negotiate your way unfamiliar terrority. It takes as long as it takes depending on how many adverse experiences we've had.

I feel ya, button. I have my doubts. Having been terminated by my T after he repeatedly told me he would not abandon me, I don't know how I'm ever going to trust another.

i think i would be a completely different person if i would've had a secure attachment to my mother. I think I could still be a completely different person if I experienced this with my T. I think its possible with T if i'd let it happen. But it sounds so painful and risky. When you are a child you have your mother everyday. You have her security everyday. If theres a rupture she's always available to work it out. You dont have to wait days and days and weeks to straighten it all out. With therapy its sooooo drawn out. You have to wait days and days to talk. And even the good parts of it are so few and far between. It makes me so angry just to think about it. Angry because I know I want and need it but it causes so much inner discomfort, longing, needing, and chaos.

Same thing happened to me. Even the same words - she hasn't abandoned me - as she calls for a break and later sends a letter that essentially says it's over without even saying that in so many words - and never contacting me despite several opportunities and not even able to say hello when she passed me in the hallway. I think she told me she hadn't abandoned me to convince herself more than me)

But I was able to engage and trust the next therapist. For me, I don't think anyone can be totally trustworthy. Not even me. All people have triggers and inconsistencies, or just plain make mistakes out of good will, and looking for someone you KNOW you can trust is a very long journey. On the other hand, I choose to trust several people. My husband, my current therapist, some friends. I don't choose to trust some other people. Sometimes I have been hurt by trusting (most notably, my former therapist:) but trusting (carefully selected) people who are probably safe to trust with things I need to discuss with someone seems preferable to me than not trusting anyone and having no one to share my struggles with. I know that by living a life of trusting others I will get hurt, but I think I get hurt a lot less than by having nobody I trust even when I sometimes get hurt by that.

For me, the idea of putting the concept of therapist with attachment does not seem useful. The whole idea of attaching more to most people, particularly a therapist, to me, does not seem desirable or useful. For me, other people are around, they do whatever they are going to do. Usually what they do has nothing to do with me. I do what I am going to do. It usually has nothing to do with them. Most of us don't have intent to harm the other most of the time. Some are more reliable than others, some are less. Figuring out who fits into which category can lessen misunderstanding. Some I like better than others and choose to spend more time with. The therapist is just another tool to use. But I don't feel like I long for attachment so that is perhaps a difference. I feel as though I am as attached as I want to be to the people around me. It is fine as far as attachment goes. If one has as much attachment as one likes, it can be okay. My point is, I think sometimes it is like chasing after an illusion that there is something magical out there to get all focused on something like the ideal secure attachment.
I dislike it when people get all clingy with me.