I know what I'm doing wrong. I can't make myself go to see T. I DO try. I panic and cancel. I feel awful , suicidal and depressed. T knows that and tries to get me to make appointments. I have a hard time leaving the house at all. I find other ways to sabotage myself though. I take meds just to put me to sleep....so I don't have to get out of bed at all. I've started seeing other men again too. "I" have NO desire to do this but some insiders do, obviously. I am wrong and I know it and hate everything about me. My T knows some of what;s going on but I am embarassed to talk about it with him. I am not a tramp....I've never acted out like this before and I hate it. It seems like everything I do, whether cancelling T or fooling around, or the pills, (they don't feel in my control at all) is a set up for me to fall hard. I'm getting off track now...I don't understand why I am doing this. I try to control or stop what I'm doing, but can't. This doesn't even make sense to me now...the whole post is stupid. I'm sorry..I don't even have the right because I haven't been here in so long...GOD I hate myself. I don't know what I need or expect for a response, but someone please say something please.

I am not looking for anyone to say what I am doing is ok cause it's NOT. I know I need to do something, but am unable. There have been weeks when I can't get out of bed. I guess I want to be heard. I'd be happy for that....

[2or3things]

I hear you. And I know it's a tough spot to be in. But you've hung on this long, so it's clear that you're strong, even if you don't feel like it right now.

I'm sorry that I don't have the right words right now, but please know that I'm thinking of you.

[Nightlight]

This isn't about you being bad. The only thing that concerns me about what you wrote is that it sounds like you're struggling so much. I just wish I could say the right thing to encourage you to let your therapist help because I know that sort of self loathing is just...truly awful.

Is there any way you could make a list of things that need to happen for you to follow through with a therapy appointment so that you can have some help with this? Could you be really concrete about the things that happen when you decided not to go? Like when you make up your mind that you won't go, what you do instead, how you feel about the decision not to go? Then maybe look into changing that or working towards something different. I know it's possible to work through an enormous level of panic, even when it feels impossible. Is there anything that you know would help you? Anything that your therapist has done that makes returning easier at the moment?

I always think the most important thing is professional help, so if there was any way to help support yourself to get it, I'd really encourage that, but it sounds like you're feeling lost and not sure what to try next. I'm glad you asked for help here.

Calista+12,

I know what it's like to feel so bad that you can't motivate yourself to do anything, but
the really positive thing for you right now is that you've been able to ask for help on this site which means that you haven't completely shut down.

Can you ask a friend (or someone) to take you to your appointments and then take you back home again? Maybe they could bring a book along and wait for you in your therapist's waiting room until you're finished. A friend has done this for me a few times. If you tee up with someone to come to your place to pick you up, you might have more of a chance of getting to your appointment and if you know they're outside your therapist's door waiting for you, that might make you feel more secure.

Please take care of yourself - keep posting here if you need to.

Bluey

[BonnieJean]

Calista+12,
I can hear the despiration in your post about feeling out of control. If one of the things holding you back from seeing t is leaving your house, maybe you could suggest some phone sessions to get you communicating with t again.

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

Calista+12,
I can hear the despiration in your post about feeling out of control. If one of the things holding you back from seeing t is leaving your house, maybe you could suggest some phone sessions to get you communicating with t again.

That's a great idea, BonnieJean - I hadn't thought of that.

Bluey

I'm sorry your struggling right now. I remember being told I would continue doing what I was doing until it hurt more than even I could stand. When it hurts enough you will find that inner strenght to change.

[mixedup_emotions]

Very good point, earthmamma.....My T has said something similar to me. The pain and discomfort of my situation needs to be greater than my fear in order for me to do something different.

((( Calista+12 )))

I can understand feeling so out of control and hopeless. I hope you find the strength to take a step in another direction. It's hard, but within your control.

[unaluna]

Just wanted to say you're always welcome here. I'm glad to hear from you, as I'm sure many are.

Calista, do you have anyone in your RL who can help you out? Sometimes you just need to say to a friend or sibling... I need you to call and make me an appt (or call and make an appt and tell T not to cancel even if you call) and come pick me up and no matter what I say you make me go... you drive me and wait for me...

sometimes you need to accept help from other people until you can help yourself.

[SallyBrown]

Calista, something recently made me think of you (forget what it was), and I wondered how you were doing. I'm so sorry to hear that things are still this way for you.

As you know, I get the self-sabotage, followed by self-loathing, followed by further sabotage, followed by further loating...

Is there anything you think you could do to really force yourself to tell T about it? As in, can you think of a way to set up a situation where you MUST tell? The phone appointments are a good suggestion. I know it sounds awful, like you are going to hear from someone else all the worst things you think about yourself if you tell, but keeping this to yourself has got to be this massive burden. It's got to be wearing you down to have all these hidden behaviors and secrets. In the thick of things sometimes I would just start falling asleep when things got difficult, my body would literally shut down because I could not handle the stress.

I wish I had some kind of solid advice for you. My behavior got blown out of the water when my H found out, and that's not really a way I recommend pushing yourself out of it, but it was effective. I can tell you that despite the pain and chaos of having it all out there, it was a relief (in a way, it was a relief for both him and me). I wish I had found a way out of it much sooner, that H had heard it from me instead. I do deeply deeply regret keeping it from T. It sounds like it will be terrible, and it will feel bad talking about it, but you already feel bad -- if you can get yourself to do this, you can relieve yourself of some of the burden. I can understand that it may seem like too much to tell H right now. But it will help to tell *somebody*.

What do you think you could handle right now, in terms of reaching out? Could you do a phone appointment? Or write T a letter so it's not face-to-face? Do you have a friend who you can ask to take you to therapy, or some other way of getting there where you won't feel like you can just get out of it? Sometimes, you just have to trick yourself into doing things that feel impossible.

I hope to keep hearing from you.

Thank you all for the support and ideas. Phone sessions are a possibility I will look into. I am just wondering , why am I doing this NOW? I've been through bad patches before and never have I even thought about an affair. I won't use DID as an excuse cause...well it isn't . I've been slipping down this hill for a while now and I keep trying to make myself stop the sliding.
I need to think about what to say to T and not sound like a total slut. I need to consider why this is happening now.
As far as going to T with someone, I can't do that. It's much too private even if someone was waiting in the car for me.
I have a lot to think about.
Thank you all for being here for me when I wasn't around for any of you. I will try to change that also.

[SallyBrown]

Your T isn't going to think you're a slut. Mine didn't. If there's anyone who's going to understand that you're not doing this in order to have a grand old time, but rather because you are deeply hurt, confused, and unable to cope, it's your T. Don't worry too much about how you present yourself... T knows you're suffering. And has plenty of experience with bad coping mechanisms. Mine was very much able to be compassionate without excusing any of my behavior, the same way he would have been if I had instead been drinking until I passed out every night after work, rather than cheating.

I'm glad you're already trying to process why this is going down the way it is now. That's exactly how you're going to get better.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Just wanted you to know that I care I will keep you in my thoughts. I hope you find the strength to see your therapist who can help you get better, although I know it is extremely difficult. Be kind to yourself and stay safe. You are worthy, and you deserve to get help and feel better. I hear that you don't believe this right now, but know that all of us posters believe this absolutely, so trust in us for now Please keep us updated and feel free to post anytime you feel the need. Take care. Hugs to you.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'd imagine that T would feel honored that you would be so honest and share things that produce feelings of shame. I know my T is much more focused on process than content - so I'm sure he would just be glad that I took that huge leap.

I recently shared with my T that I had a sexual encounter with a guy that I just met that night....and felt that it was "risky, careless and rebellious" behavior. He challenged me on that, saying that it didn't seem that way to him - and it led to a very valuable discussion that had little to do with the encounter.

There is much more to this than the behavior - all important stuff.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Hi Calista + 12,

Sorry you are having such a hard time. Like others have suggested, could you write things down for your therapist to read or email him before the session so you don't have to say the words? Perhaps even write it down on paper, take it to the therapy appointment and then you can still choose whether to be brave and share it or not?

In terms of getting to the appointment, take it one small step at a time. First getting yourself ready, then getting out of the house, then the next bit and keep telling yourself that you can change your mind and go back home at anytime, even when you get to the therapist's door. That's how I get through things that cause me anxiety. I tell myself if I can just stay there and get through the first 5 minutes, then that's great, another five minutes even better, and if I want to leave I can. Sometimes it helps to know there is a way out when you choose, you don't HAVE to stay anywhere you don't want to.

I hope this helps and you find the strength to get some help. Thinking of you.

Screwedupme

[silenthill]

Calista Sorry your having a hard time

I just wrote a long response an it disappeared....

I've done a lot of thinking and I DO know that since my father died, my life has been slipping. Now I think I know the tipping point. A few weeks before Thanksgiving, which also happens to be the anniversary of my fathers death, I still hadn't heard about any family plans, so I called my mother to offer to host it at my house. When she responded with "Now don't be mad" I knew it was going down hill fast. It seems that my brother is suddenly bothered by the fact that we have little contact. We see each other on holidays but that's it. I have tried to maintain contact but it isn't welcomed. He invited my mother to his home but made it clear I was not invited, nor was my husband (for Thanksgiving) My mother went right along with this and never questioned him or his reasoning. I felt like I broke right then and there. I did a lot of crying, cursing, and yelling but got no answers as to why. I've been saying it felt that my brother held a lot of hatred for me, but mother just said it was nonsense. Well...I guess it wasn't nonsense. My mother made her choice and it sure wasn't me. She had all the excuses an when she ran out, she said I was upsetting her too much. I felt that I lost the small remaining family I had. Why did my brother pick THIS time of year to be honest about how he felt about me?
Sally Brown, (BTW I've thought of you also) I think I did what you mentioned about the body shutting down. The nonsense of this past year was too much, and I gave up. I was going to go down in flames. I felt I died that day, when no one stood up for me. I've been waking up crying, and randomly crying through out the day since then. I cannot explain what's wrong though, if anyone asks me why. No one outside the family sees this dynamic, but it IS killing me. I refused to care about anyone or anything, including me.
I hope this makes sense to you all. I do think this is at least part of why I have crashed and burned like I did. It may not sound like a big deal, but it killed what was left of my soul.

The self loathing has hit an all time high. If my family has no use for me, what good am I? (My brother is my only sibling BTW)

[Nightlight]

Family aren't always right. I'm sorry you've been excluded like that and that it's contributed to this place you've ended up at. I can hear how much it's hurting you. Can you work towards a phone call with your therapist so you can discuss this stuff?

Earthmama what you said makes a lot of sense. I guess that's like hitting bottom? I have felt pain like I never felt before and so far it isn't enough to make me stop. I think it will stop when I'm dragged kicking and screaming to a psych hospital, because of the self harm. I hope it doesn't come to that, though.

[mixedup_emotions]

Ugh. I certainly feel for you and can understand that kind of pain. I felt rejected by my family for most of my life, and it is incredibly painful.

Through therapy, I was able to better understand the dynamic - and was able to allow my family to own what's theirs and for me to own what's mine. Knowing that I am able to be in a place where I can choose to work towards having healthier people in my life is empowering as well.

Unfortunately, it doesn't take away from the sense of loss and grief from experiencing such pain throughout my childhood. That's a whole process in itself.

It's difficult to see that you have some control over this. Hurting yourself isn't going to change the situation. In fact, it only makes it worse for you.

[unaluna]

I can't believe your mother said, "Now don't be mad..." She absolutely sounds like my mother. Years of this crap. Not any more. So maybe I'm not doing THAT much better, but at least I'm not doing that, letting them run my life, anymore. Thanks for sharing with us.

Each encounter I have with my mother (not willingly by me) makes me want to die. To hear her tell it, I am THE one who disrupts and upsets the whole family. I would rather have no contact with any of them. She blames depression on my husband, or on poor life choices I have made. I was never wanted and the older I get, the more obvious it is. My heart has been broken more times than I thought possible. It may sound whiney, but if you lived in this family, you'd understand the feelingof total alienation and hatred.
As for my T, he is sick again. I don't feel there is anyone I can count on . I cannot count on myself because I am so beaten down, I just don't care and can't stand up fpr myself.
Maybe there is no point in all this .