c o u c h 38 - The dark ages....

Good morning, all! I got up at around 5:30-- yawn, and kept trying to go back to sleep but couldn't. I took 50 mg of zoloft last night for the first time. Went to sleep at about 10:30 p.m. I see T today!

Morning Rainbow....

I keep promising myself I'll start to go to bed earlier and earlier so I can actually get up at a decent time (which I need to do beginning next week). And look at that it's 4am again. I have so much to do tomorrow too. Maybe a lecturer or tutor will get back to me so I can fill out the form for a program I really want to do. It was such a risk for me to ask...and still no response.

I have adjusted my sleep patterns too and I started by talking sleeping pills at 8pm and getting into bed. It took a few weeks but my body became adjusted.

The sleeping pills I've tried so far have had no effect on me whatsoever, but I've only tried a couple. I do have quite a few of the antidepressants left that I stopped taking and they really knock me out. I've taken one now a couple of times as a sleeping pill...so I might just do that. Not sure how much my GP can help me with meds really (hasn't worked too well so far) and the pdoc gave up on me altogether.

Not being a very entertaining mom/sister... We are onto movie #2 since 8:40 this morning.. I have though, gotten a good amount of cleaning done. The cleaning is keeping my mind off of things, and today is one of those days that feel like crying for no reason. Stupid feeling!

hi everyone...

life is C R A Z Y.

I'm still here, and thinking about y'all...

Glad to see you pop in ...

I AM CRAZY and I'm always here and I hope you are well!

Hi Wiki!!!!!

Whoever said, "life's not fair" is an idiot. It has to be fair, if not then I will MAKE it be fair.

(About to drive a square peg into a round hole, or die trying.)

You wanna talk about it Wiki? I think life is unfair too.

Wiki...it was good to see you pop in...

I am not a narcissist. I do not make everything all about me. But can I help it if my heart turns to dust when I see someone hurting? Is it bad that I sob at someone else's sorrow? My xbil's new wife decided to cremate him without talking to his 3 children. She did it without waiting for his oldest son to fly in from the Navy. She decided there would be no services. So, being the way we are, we told my niece and nephews that if they wanted a Life Celebration we would make it happen for them. Their mother took off on a spontaneous vacation so she wouldn't have to deal with it. I don't grieve for my XBIL. I don't miss him, it isn't my loss or about me. But DAMMIT if my niece and her brothers want to celebrate their dad's life, I am not going to look the other way. I will help them.

I know I do too much for people. I know I take on more than I should. BUT IT'S WHO I AM. I cannot just let it be, I have to help. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. I am not trying to be a martyr, or complain about doing it. I just do it. I can't bear to see another person's grief.

Wiki... I don't think its narcissistic at all... I can totally see how this would be important for you to do...

it seems important for kids (even adult kids) to be able to hear stories about their parents... the good, the bad, the wild and crazy...sometimes its not until you get into adulthood like your 30s do you realize that your parents had/have their own lives and are separate people other than "your parents"..

and a life celebration is the perfect time to hear those stories...

Wiki... I so get what you are saying. Do what you feel you must do. I can't believe that woman did that. It is awful. ((((WIKI)))))

I can see my sister doing the same thing your sister did in the same situation though... because she'd be stuck in a bad place between her kids and the new wife with no power to have any say...

I am going to catch hell for this with my FOO...but screw it. I want my kids to be able to grieve however they want to when I die. I think if I can offer that to my niece and nephews I should. H said, "here we go again"... but he's the one that said to my nephew, "plan it and I'll make it happen".

I know they won't be extravagant. We know a lot of people, we can get a chapel and minister for free. We can get musicians for free. We can do a powerpoint photo display for free. It isn't that hard. It's just food for after, and most churches have a fellowship hall.

Tell H its about Karma.... and your just banking it. (((WIKI))) That sounds awesome, just don't over do it... if you can get help doing this ...I think its wonderful.

Wiki... I understand the FOO thing too... my BIL left my sister (long story) and he's a minister anyway he is also one of my H's best friends so we are caught in the middle...

Wiki... see if you can get a group of your friends to help you out... take all help you can get... all those church people who said "if there's anything we can do..." call one of them up and let that person assign the rest of them a dish to bring...

ETA: it doesn't matter if its not in the same town... they can drive it there... (for all those sincere people they will be happy to do it... and for all those who truely didn't mean it...well it will teach them a lesson to not say "if there's ever anything I can do")

Wiki I don't get it. Those two women... are not acting with an awareness of the offspring. How's that for tactful?! The kids are lucky to have you and your H in their lives. Some sanity. And normality. I thought you Bostonians did everything right and proper?

Thank you so much guys. I can't and won't do it myself. The kids are going to do it, it's their memorial. I will help them organize, call people and such. My church peeps will make it happen.

Lola... banking karma... wow, never thought of that. I need all the karma I can get. My brother and mother are flipping out.

Tell Bro and Mom to suck it!

Okay this is just me projecting my issues with my mother and brother... but this to me would be like...BONUS!!!

ha ha ha...yea, mother flipping out is a bonus.

Wiki, my brother stopped me from attending the funeral of my long-term T because she was also his SIL. I should say he bullied me. He totally disregarded my feelings. My next T, who my T, the SIL , had recommended to me, was like, where were you? Why weren't you there? These children would always regret this not being done. This just proves who your mother and brother are, as if there were any doubt.