C O U C H 39 -The Renaissance Period

I came over here so you could sleep on the old couch. Now which is it?

Tshirt: "I'm up, I'm dressed. What more do you want?"

have a good day folks, won't be able to be on PC much today.

See ya SAWE

Good morning, couch. Stuck at home today, H has my van... I'll havea lot of time to play.

There is nothing like a mom interaction to make me want to bang my head against a wall. She called and woke me up last night, and it seems the only reason for her to contact me was to tell me that I'm a miserable person and going nowhere in life. Thank you mom. It's like she has some sort of beacon on me to tell her when I'm really not doing well, and that is her cue to sweep in with her momisims.

Sorry for being such a downer. I do hope everyone has a wonderful day. It should be a short day for me. It means less money, but I kind of want to hide today so I don't mind that much.

Mine swoops in when I AM doing well to demolish everything. You're just recovering from your last interaction with them, starting to gain a little speed, when WHOMP!! There it is. Like a tic. Like a tick. You hope maybe this time you'll be free, get past it - but no.

Hi Everyone. Hope everyone has a good day.

Morning all... good to hear from you MUE, sorry about the group incident, that must have been painful.

T this morning at 11. I wish for a 5 hour session because I have so much to cover. But alas, I get 45 minutes. So, I'll have to talk fast. Maybe one of those Red Bull things will help? I've never had one.

We are supposed to be getting yet another storm this weekend. That will be three weekends in a row of snowstorms. Damn that stupid groundhog for getting it wrong this year. Hopefully we won't loose power again, but I doubt it.

Hi all-
Sorry I haven't been around. I'm all over the place emotionally and kind of hiding out until I see t on Monday. Family is coming up this weekend so at least I will be distracted.

Wiki - we are getting that storm tonight. I will try to zap some of it's power and it comes through. Maybe if I go out with my hairdryer and blow at it, it will become a rain storm instead.

I can picture you out there in a blizzard with a blowdryer. ha. "Aunty Em, Uncle Henry!"

T better damn well bring her A game today.

Is it weird that I don't get nervous before this T? I think of it as a dump and run. I go there, verbally vomit all over the place, throw some cash on the table and leave. She's my emotional prostitute right now. I don't even give a rat's *** what she thinks about me. Such a very different t experience than I have ever had before.

I think many of us with toxic moms have had both of these experiences. Mine wants to tell me why everything is all my fault when things are going badly, and how if I weren't just so weird or unlovable things would be different. When things are going well, she wants to drag me down into misery so I won't think that I'm "better than everybody else." It is pretty much the same old thing over and over. "You think you're so smart because of X? You think X makes you better than everybody else? Well, it doesn't because of Y. And remember that time you did A, B, and C? All horrible mistakes even the dumbest person would know to avoid!"

Anyway, I solved that partially by eliminating my land line and only having my cell, where I can see how is calling. I just let it go to voice mail and then if it's a horrible rant at me, I can just delete it. She is trying to get around that by calling me at work. At work, though, I can just say I have a client coming in and have to go.

Ah this is the beauty of working in a call center like I do - I don't have an extension, so mine can't call me at work.

I have been thinking.. I am going to start taking classes this summer to finish my degree.. Currently I am working on finishing my BA and Literature.. Was gonna go on a do MA in secondary education. However, NY (the state I am living in) is making it hell to be a teacher in the state, upping the requirments to be certified and stay certified, moving way towards teaching towards a test rather than general education.. Teacher evaluations are rough, and tenure is getting harder and harder to get.

So, I may change my major. I am thinking about doing a BA in psychology. Surley, the year I have spent with my T has made me thinking that the world of psychology would be interesting to me, that and other than my literature classes, I have always enjoyed and done well in the psych courses.. Then, I will move on into Masters in Mental Health Couseling. This is a huge change for me, and the couple of times that I have mentioned it to H, he just wants me to go the route that will be the fastest and starting with a new major may not be.. Although, I have all GEN ED requirments out of the way, it is just Major's required classes and electives that I have to take. Big choices ahead. I just need to settle on one and get my butt in gear!

I vote no self deprecating humor. It's a hard habit to break, if you get started and its not good for us.

***** Trigger warning for discussion of SUI *****








I got a late night phone call last night that my oldest sister tried to commit suicide and is in the hospital. The hospital won't tell us anything. The closest family member is a couple of hours away from her. She has a long history of depression, for which she's been in therapy for 20+ years.

I had no idea she was feeling so desperate. Not to make her attempt about me, but I feel so sad, worried, guilty, and angry. I'm glad I have T today. Maybe he can help make some sense out of this.

I am sorry to hear that Critter ((((hugs))))

I'm sorry to hear that Critter. Most people don't know when someone is that desperate. ((((((CRITTER))))))))

Hello, there, Lola... How ya doing this morning?

I'm Fair to Midland how are you doing?

I feeling pretty good today.. Got on my bike last night, rode for 3 miles and promptly fell asleep (7:30ish) w/o showering or saying goodnight to anyone.. Opps! Feeling refreshed though!

Well good... Im glad you got your head cleared with a little exercising. My night was "the talk", which really means, she crys and I get angry and then when I'm 100% honest about things she pulls out an academy award winning performance of You will not blame me.... and I come back with applause!

Aww, sorry to hear.. Did anything good get accomplimshed with the talk???

I'm bored. We already have at least 6 inches of snow and drifts that look like about a foot. No one in my house is awake and I have this great cinnamon roll pancake recipe I want to try, but really can't make them ahead of time. Or maybe I should just make the cinnamon doughnut muffin recipe I found. Then they will just be waiting when everyone wakes up.

Make the muffins!

I think the good that came out of it was, I am over the BS. I am going to speak my mind and let the chips fall where they may, I'm tired of feeling responsible for her feelings and I told her she has to let me breathe. She once again said she doesn't see why I need to talk to strangers on this board, as I have her. UGGGGG