[granite1]

so many people here express the need for there T to fill the roll of the mother.
or they want there T to put them above all other clients .to be special.
to comfort them in there time of need.
they want there T to not only like them but to love them

i do not believe i have never really wanted my T to be my mother . the thought of this terrifies me.(although my first councilor became my foster mother with very hurtful results)

i do not believe i have never wanted to be special or put above anyone else. i am terrified of expectations.and know i would never fill the expectations of being special.don't want to be put in the spot light.

i do require that my T likes me and that alone causes me so much pain and doubt in the therapeutic relationship that.i hate that i feel this way. i just cant imagine the pain if i had the expectation of this complete stranger to love me.

i read about how so many people here demand these things from the T ,they expect it. they are angry and hurt when this person tells them this isn't going to happen. some are shocked and feel the T is a horrible person.it seems they reel these things are there right and the T's job.

i am just wondering if anyone have felt this is the job of the T and has demanded this from the T and actually had the T try and be this for their client and not have it end in disaster. without hurt feelings and devastation.

i have seen some talk about how wonderful there relationship is with there T.how special they are. how there T is filling that parent roll.some have been amazingly convincing ,only to have that security pulled away from them. the rose glasses knocked off traumatically.i see people who spend most of there time talking about there relationship way beyond trying to connect how it works in the so called real world but seems to be trying to force the T to change and fill these rolls, i wonder if after so many years of this does the client even remember what has brought them to T in the first place

please don't think i am a therapy hater and all .i am not, i truly on some level do care about my T and care very much about what she thinks about me. i want her to like me. i have huge issues if i think she is hating me and wanting to punish me. like when she has moved my chair so far away and in the corner.but i would freak if ahem loved me or even tried to touch me for many reasons.

i just was wondering has anyone had a T who has filled all these needs and not had it blow up.have they had a happily ever after. and able to separate after they have had a T who has taken on that mother roll.have you been able to let it go without hurt.
have you had your T love you and not have it ended in pain and rejection.

i know i am not without these feelings .yup i get upset and want to e-mail my T .but don't think i have ever put my well being and level of self worth(if i had any) on weather or not she responded or how she responded. most times it takes an act of god for me to actually call her.although i try.

is it really the T job to love us,hold the roll of parent, support us unconditionally? i guess i never thought it was ,i always thought it was there job to help us learn how to achieve this on our own,in our own lives

just a bunch of thoughts .who knows why . maybe on some level i want this stuff from mine.i don't know.just stuff that has been on my mind lately. maybe I'm completely screwed up. in fact i know i am thats why i am here

[Sannah]

I think that it is good for a T to be a good source of support.

[sittingatwatersedge]

a lot of very good questions Granite!

I have deliberately avoided thinking of my T as any kind of a mom (except of her own children, she has some). For me she's a pro, like a doctor. given the uniqueness of the work, that's about the closest thing I can call it.

Is there maternal transference, sure; right now I am sure she's going to punish me for the resistance I showed her last time.
in case you are reading this T, although you told me you don't read here, what a great opportunity this will be for you not to confirm my fears.

but do I want her to be my Mom, no.

This is why I have a male T.... I am always subconsciously looking for a mom. I can't help it... in school it was teachers, as an adult it was the older neighbor lady etc..... I know I'll never get what I want. Who the hell wants to rock a 40 year old woman? But the part of me that yearns for this is about 13 and she fights herself for that need. It sucks.

I think some find it hard to articulate what they are missing, desiring. They label it 'mum'. What they're meaning is simply wanting someone to care. So yes I think that is a very reasonable and attainable desire.

[WikidPissah]

No, I absolutely don't want mothering from any one. Ever. I am okay with the fact that I have never had a maternal influence, and I don't desire it. All I want from T is a professional relationship. I have friends, don't need one that knows my darkest secrets.

I prefer she at least like me, but no requirement to love or treasure me at all. In fact, that would creep me out. No touch, no hug, no hand-holding. I have girlfriends that I hug, and I hold H's hand, that's plenty of skin cell swapping for me.

[likelife]

I'll grant that I'm not a totally regular poster here, and therefore might miss some of the nuances of the board, but I haven't gotten the general sense that people demand love from their Ts. Would some people like it? Sure. I count myself in that group. But at the same time, I think that what that desire represents is more important than the desire itself. For people who have had to disavow needs for closeness and connection throughout their lifetimes, getting a taste of caring, compassion, or perhaps love, can be dizzying, in good and bad ways.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I think some find it hard to articulate what they are missing, desiring. They label it 'mum'. What they're meaning is simply wanting someone to care. So yes I think that is a very reasonable and attainable desire.

maybe this is what i am looking for . very well said i do wish for my T to care about my wellbeing . although i do believe she did say to me that she could only care as much as i do.it would be a problem if she cared more. but then in another session she said that maybe at this point she cared more then i did and that also seemed to be ok. i just let it be what it was.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I think that it is good for a T to be a good source of support.

hi sannah but do you feel that they should take on a parental roll .do you feel it is there job to parent you.it is there job to respond to every cry, no matter wow reasonable or unreasonable.

Granite, i have had the same t for over a decade, he is male so no mother figure there. and we definitely have our ups and downs. i have ran the whole gammit of feelings concerning him, but never wanted him to resemble my mother in any way, shape or form.
He has hung in there during the bad, good and indifferent. and no touching either. i don't want to be in his life, nor have him in mine. but it does feel good when i think he is caring about me.

sending safe hugs...
you are worth t, it does take alot of time, energy, patience, etc. but to me, oh so worth it!!!!!!!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by like life

I'll grant that I'm not a totally regular poster here, and therefore might miss some of the nuances of the board, but I haven't gotten the general sense that people demand love from their Ts. Would some people like it? Sure. I count myself in that group. But at the same time, I think that what that desire represents is more important than the desire itself. For people who have had to disavow needs for closeness and connection throughout their lifetimes, getting a taste of caring, compassion, or perhaps love, can be dizzying, in good and bad ways.

I'm not always sure it is love always ,but the need to feel special ,or mothered, and many other things that people would usually find in other people. felling that it is the T job to supply this if they cannot find it outside of T. it causes a lot of pain. i am not saying that it is wrong to want these things out of life . but why demand it from T instead of asking for help in finding it outside of T and more of a germinate situation

[Dreamy01]

Originally Posted by granite1

but why demand it from T instead of asking for help in finding it outside of T and more of a germinate situation

Sometimes people are isolated through no fault of their own. Not everyone has a partner or access to a wide circle of friends where emotional needs could be met. It's easy to say 'find it outside of t' but it's not always as simple as that. It's not always about 'demanding' love from t either - sometimes t is the main source of emotional contact in someone's life. Not everyone has the choices available to them that others take for granted.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

Sometimes people are isolated through no fault of their own. Not everyone has a partner or access to a wide circle of friends where emotional needs could be met. It's easy to say 'find it outside of t' but it's not always as simple as that. It's not always about 'demanding' love from t either - sometimes t is the main source of emotional contact in someone's life. Not everyone has the choices available to them that others take for granted.

hey dreamy01 i am sorry if that is your situation. so what you are saying is that if a person has isolated themselves that it is the T job to be everything to to that person.and that person has a right to expect that .

just to say something about me .i have a husband that loves me greatly but that doesnt make my pain any less .and i would never ever take that for granted.i would never say it was easy for anyone to "find it outside of T"

[Dreamy01]

Originally Posted by granite1

hey dreamy01 i am sorry if that is your situation. so what you are saying is that if a person has isolated themselves that it is the T job to be everything to to that person.and that person has a right to expect that .

No I wasn't saying its the T's job to be everything to one person. No one can, or should, be everything to someone. It's certainly not up to the t to meet all the client's needs. I was just pointing out that there's reasons why the therapist can be important and why people can't always get their emotional needs met elsewhere. I don't isolate myself - my circumstances are out of my hands (illness) and it's VERY hard to meet others, although I am trying. I'm actually very independent and rely on myself to meet my own needs most of the time, but when I'm badly triggered as is the case recently, the need for T suddenly takes on more importance because my young part not only feels the pain of the past, but the pain of being isolated NOW. Naturally my T will respond how she sees fit and it can hurt. I don't believe it's my right to expect her to meet my needs but when the child me is hurting and needs her, I will express my needs as they are and feel hurt when they are not met. I think though I need to express what I need because the feelings are so powerful. If I didn't express them I would end up feeling worse. It's a catch 22 for sure.

I'm glad that you don't have such strong needs from your t. I'm sure a lot of people don't. The t relationship is so complicated.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by granite1

I'm not always sure it is love always ,but the need to feel special ,or mothered, and many other things that people would usually find in other people. felling that it is the T job to supply this if they cannot find it outside of T. it causes a lot of pain. i am not saying that it is wrong to want these things out of life . but why demand it from T instead of asking for help in finding it outside of T and more of a germinate situation

I realize I'm trying to read the tone in your posts, and I don't want to misread it. It sounds like you're angry, but I wanted to check in with you about this. Something about the word "demanding" sounds angry to me.

At any rate, yes, I agree that a goal in T is often to help the client seek and find love, caring, etc., "out there." And at the same time, it can also be helpful to understand the longing to be special or mothered. I personally experience a gap between my intellectual and emotional experiences in T. Cognitively, of course I know that T can't be my mother. Emotionally, sometimes I want to be mothered, and T happens to offer attention and compassion, which kind of feels like mothering. I don't think I "demand" love from my T, but I could be wrong about that. There are certainly subtle ways to demand things. I'll have to think on it some more.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by likelife

I realize I'm trying to read the tone in your posts, and I don't want to misread it. It sounds like you're angry, but I wanted to check in with you about this. Something about the word "demanding" sounds angry to me.

At any rate, yes, I agree that a goal in T is often to help the client seek and find love, caring, etc., "out there." And at the same time, it can also be helpful to understand the longing to be special or mothered. I personally experience a gap between my intellectual and emotional experiences in T. Cognitively, of course I know that T can't be my mother. Emotionally, sometimes I want to be mothered, and T happens to offer attention and compassion, which kind of feels like mothering. I don't think I "demand" love from my T, but I could be wrong about that. There are certainly subtle ways to demand things. I'll have to think on it some more.

goodness no i am not angrey at all.i guess a better word to use would be expecting or something . i see these expectations causing a lot of pain. i am terrified to ever have these expectations of my T .i am horrified when i think she hates me because i do want her to like me. i wonder if i ever had the expectations of anything more would i be completely crushed like i see hapening to some others. it is scarey

I may have missed something, but I don't believe it is an 'expectation' of 'so many people' here that the T 'love' them or be their 'mom' or give them special treatment - and I haven't heard of anyone making such demands. What I have seen are people expressing these DESIRES, these feelings - thinking of the therapist as something of a 'mother figure'...

Desires and expectations are two different things.

Button30 actually posted an excellent link the other day (http://www.integrativetherapy.com/se/articles.php?id=28) to an article which touched on some of this - the pain a client can go through when someone finally cares, someone finally listens, someone FINALLY understands, and you feel that caring - and then comes the realisation of what has been missed out on earlier in life. It seems this is quite a normal response - and I'm sure a feeling which many of us who come here can relate to, to some degree.

I hesitate to post.. but I feel it is important, actually.. because I actually felt a little hurt reading your original post. It hit a nerve. I don't assume it is your intention to come off as judgmental, but.. to me, as a rational adult who has been having these feelings (of which I already feel shameful) of 'wanting T to be mom' (whilst fully knowing and accepting she can't) - it stings a little.

Feelings aren't always rational.. but I would hope this forum is somewhere that people can feel comfortable to post about their feelings, about these issues that they're struggling with, and not to feel judged, but get some support.

I'm perhaps being a little sensitive here, I'll own that - and I don't want anyone to think I'm being confrontational, for this reason I hesitated to respond at all - but I just wondered what your motivation was for posting about this, if it isn't your own issue? I just wonder how you yourself might react if someone posted a thread questioning, for instance, why it was so hard for some people to talk in therapy - something you personally struggle with and something they don't themselves have issues with and can't understand. Wouldn't you feel a little 'got at'? Wouldn't it seem to you a little like: 'come on, you should know better than this/that.. that isn't rational..'? Things aren't always as simple as they might appear to be to others, are they?

We all have our own foibles, and are at our own places in 'the process'... I would hope we can all respect where each of us are at. I'm sure we're all doing our best to deal with our own stuff.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by granite1

is it really the T job to love us,hold the roll of parent, support us unconditionally? i guess i never thought it was ,i always thought it was there job to help us learn how to achieve this on our own,in our own lives

As someone who has felt strongly about T being a mother figure and having to be kicked in the a s s proverbially regarding the matter, here's my opinion.

I feel in some ways that a T can take the role of a parent. However, where many people become stuck is this; when people want their T to keep the role as a parent with the client remaining in the role of an infant for an indefinite amount of time.

I'm going to talk about my definition of a "good" parents, but in the singular:

The parent starts out by meeting all the needs of the infant. As the infant becomes a toddler, the parent encourages him/her to grow, sometimes away from the parent. As the toddler becomes a small child, he/she will begin to demand independence. The good parent encourages this. He/she begins to develop relationships away from the parent. By the time the child is school-age, he/she develops more friendships and has to cope with not seeing the parent during most of the day. They interact with other people with nurturing roles, such as the teacher, or school nurse. The child will increase that independence and the parent remains in a supporting role. The parent is there when the child needs them (for support or discipline).

That is how I see my relationship with T now. A "good" parent only wants what is best for their child. T has described our relationship in that manner. She only wants what is best for me, whether it hurts me, her, or both of us. It took me a long time to get out of the infantile stage. Now that I am in the child stage and T wants me to handle certain things on my own, I am actually happier (despite going through the hard period of change) than I was before.

Just my two cents.

[granite1]

you shouldnt feel bad or hesitate about posting at all. and i am going to read that article. it is not my intention to judge anyone and you are always welcome to ask me about my inability or unwillingness to talk.a lot of people have.if someone posted a question about why some people have problems talking i would answer as best i could and be very interested in what other peoples experiances or questions would be. i don't think i would feel judged.but who knows.

i may have not chose the right wording but i am not judging anyone .because i do not struggle as strongly as some with these issues does this mean i cant comment or ask for understanding. i have friends here who struggle greatly with this and some who don't . i see people who get bashed for it and suported .i want to understand maybe even suport instead oh hold to what my experiances are .

thank you for the link from button i am shure it will be helpful and sorry you felt the need to question my motives

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

As someone who has felt strongly about T being a mother figure and having to be kicked in the a s s proverbially regarding the matter, here's my opinion.

I feel in some ways that a T can take the role of a parent. However, where many people become stuck is this; when people want their T to keep the role as a parent with the client remaining in the role of an infant for an indefinite amount of time.

I'm going to talk about my definition of a "good" parents, but in the singular:

The parent starts out by meeting all the needs of the infant. As the infant becomes a toddler, the parent encourages him/her to grow, sometimes away from the parent. As the toddler becomes a small child, he/she will begin to demand independence. The good parent encourages this. He/she begins to develop relationships away from the parent. By the time the child is school-age, he/she develops more friendships and has to cope with not seeing the parent during most of the day. They interact with other people with nurturing roles, such as the teacher, or school nurse. The child will increase that independence and the parent remains in a supporting role. The parent is there when the child needs them (for support or discipline).

That is how I see my relationship with T now. A "good" parent only wants what is best for their child. T has described our relationship in that manner. She only wants what is best for me, whether it hurts me, her, or both of us. It took me a long time to get out of the infantile stage. Now that I am in the child stage and T wants me to handle certain things on my own, I am actually happier (despite going through the hard period of change) than I was before.

Just my two cents.

thanks chopin i know you have been struggling with this bunches . you are one of the people who i see as the T filling your needs and then kind of just pulling that rug away. maybe i am wrong but it just seemed to hurt you so bad at the time . all of a suden no hugs ,no email, coldness and boundaries. it leaves me wondering is there ever a happy ending . that hapening to me terrifies me to no end.

thanks for responding

[Willowleaf]

I was worried at the start of this thread as most people seemed to be posting no they didn't want this. I have struggled for ages with this as I suddenly found I wanted this, but I really didn't want to. I think what people have said about how painful it is when someone shows affection and caring for you for the first time the grieving for what we've missed is hard. I talk to t a lot about this attachment and her mother figure role for me and she explained it much like Chopin. The reason I am fighting this so hard is that I too am terrified it will end in tears. But I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit part of me longs for a better mother figure and here is a female offering me some of the care I never had. I am working really hard to make more relationships in real life, but with no partner it is difficult.
I don't think we can always help this desire. It is just that, a desire

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

I was worried at the start of this thread as most people seemed to be posting no they didn't want this. I have struggled for ages with this as I suddenly found I wanted this, but I really didn't want to. I think what people have said about how painful it is when someone shows affection and caring for you for the first time the grieving for what we've missed is hard. I talk to t a lot about this attachment and her mother figure role for me and she explained it much like Chopin. The reason I am fighting this so hard is that I too am terrified it will end in tears. But I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit part of me longs for a better mother figure and here is a female offering me some of the care I never had. I am working really hard to make more relationships in real life, but with no partner it is difficult.
I don't think we can always help this desire. It is just that, a desire

in some way don't you think there has to be a huge amount of trust in your T to even be able to want this from her.as i have followed chopins journey (sorry chop you is on my mind) and some others.it has caused huge amounts of pain.

so your reason for wanting you T to take on that roll is because she showed you care and suport. and that made you want more?

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by granite1

thanks chopin i know you have been struggling with this bunches . you are one of the people who i see as the T filling your needs and then kind of just pulling that rug away. maybe i am wrong but it just seemed to hurt you so bad at the time . all of a suden no hugs ,no email, coldness and boundaries. it leaves me wondering is there ever a happy ending . that hapening to me terrifies me to no end.

thanks for responding

I have been, but I realize now it is for my own good. I keep saying I am relieved that I can't email T...that is the honest-to-God truth. I obsessed on it too much sometimes. Boundaries can be for our good. That's why I asked for time off at work. I had to set the boundary that I cannot be overworked...fortunately my boss respects that. I believe it was hard for T to be "cold". Last week, she seemed to be happy that we were more "us" again. No hug, but that was okay. The fact that she was no longer cold and we could laugh and talk about our similarities and tease each other again was good for me. I asked her after session about her son in Afghanistan and she told me a story about him being lost in a dust storm. She asked me to pray for him and seemed to be touched by my answer, "I never stopped."

I think there is potential for a happy ending, especially the stronger I get. You will get there too. I believe in you.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

hi sannah but do you feel that they should take on a parental roll .do you feel it is there job to parent you.it is there job to respond to every cry, no matter wow reasonable or unreasonable.

Just my opinion .... I see a T as being a rock for a client. I also see them as being a constant source of emotional support. This is a role that a parent fills. I see the T as listening and giving solid information. The client can then take this support and information and use it to steady themselves and grow and develop.

[Willowleaf]

Yes I think you're right and i agree it is easy to get hurt along the way. My t comments she wishes I would trust her more. She has encouraged emails and calls when things are bad, but I rarely let myself, setting myself a boundary to try and keep me safer. Reading on here has made me very wary especially as no one has responded to your post with a positive story. I do however have a friend who is a t who went through a huge attachment and emerged through it in one piece with her t. She stills sees her but says she no longer has these kinds of desires, that they too will pass. I just hope they pass before I and others like me get hurt