Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

I had a dream that my husband went to see you behind my back and the two of you had a ***** session about what a miserable person I am to be around.

(I know you wouldn't betray my confidence, but yikes, I woke up feeling very uneasy)

T1 I hope i'm not spamming you too much with my inspirational quotes. i can't help myself

Dear T, i wish you could be my friend.

Dear T
You know what. I am actually a human being. Just a reminder.

Dear T,

You've said I can come for therapy for as long as I like, so long as you're alive. You've also said you'll probably die before me.

Are you not planning to retire, like, ever?

Dear T.
I can't remember what helpful things were discussed in todays session, and i really need to right now. My family is visiting on Thursday and i really don't know how i am going to keep myself safe from their poison.
Help me.
HT.

Dear T,

I sent that e-mail just as a thought from our last session.. wasn't expecting a reply, I just wanted you to read it and help me to remember it next session. Thanks for replying today.. It actually was the perfect day to get it. I am feeling like I need some extra support lately. I don't feel like I deserve it, but need it none the less. The e-mail was an extra support!

ExT - *******it, I hate missing you.

NewT - I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. You know that self-doubt we've been talking about? I feel like I'm operating just on this side of doing some really stupid ****. I hope I haven't already crossed that line. I feel too freaked out to talk with you about it though. I hope this isn't the way things go down.

Dear t1, I wish you could have explained to me why you were terminating me. I feel like it's my fault and it's been a year this month so why the hell do I still miss you so much

Dear T,

I don't know what I'll do if you are not honest with me and apologize. I can't bear the thought. I keep hoping for the truth. No more lies please. You have hurt me way too much already. If she has to testify you will sink because she won't lie to a judge. It doesn't have to get this far if you tell me the truth NOW. Don't threaten me again with humiliation. You and SHE have humiliated me already. I don't care at what cost I must go through. If the lies continue so will additional action. I feel like you have no respect for me at all. You don't care how much you hurt me. You still believe what she tells you about me don't you? Haven't you caught her in a lie yet? That's an indication. Please, just end this now with the truth and apologize for what you've done. I won't bother you again. This is agony for me.

Dear T.
I feel sad, confused, rejected, torn and child-like. I ned some words of comfort from you, and i need to know how to deal with this.

Dear T,

Truth is i have abandonement issues. I can't talk about it. I don't want you to know my story.

i hate you i hate you i hate. you promised you wouldn't do this. i hate you so much. i hate you. you are a coward. just because you don't want to deal with it doesn't mean you can leave me hanging. but i guess you don't care.

It was just all wrong today- more me than you. I feel hopeless, detached and numb from the world and hearing about your vacation at the last minute sort of solidified that I get to sit with this until we meet again.

Dear T,

I hope you haven't found me here on PC until yesterday. I say that because of all the sad, mixed-up, heartbreaking messages I've written, I wish you could just read this one and #835 (written here yesterday). That's it. I need you to find a way to tell me the truth without implicating yourself. I'm working on it too. I know you can do it. You've certainly taught her psychological mind games to use against me (big mistake). You can figure out a way to tell me the truth. I hope you don't think this is all a big joke because I have been suffering for the last year or more. It's hard to hide my tears when I cry so often over this.

I don't think you would appreciate being used as a lab rat would you? I don't care much for it either. YOU caused this mess and it is your responsibility to clean it up. I am hurting so much and you need to make things right by apologizing. You accused me of "playing the victim" but you're the one assaulting me! Just find a way to tell me because I can't take it any longer. A little remorse wouldn't hurt either. You've hurt me in so many ways. It affects me daily. You can't push this under the rug no matter how suave you think you are. I mean it. Please do the right thing here because I can't/won't let it go until you do. Remember I have no life.

Dear t
I am so tired. I feel like I need you the whole time at the moment. The tiredness is getting out of control. I'm not even sure I'm safe to drive to work. Three more days until I see you again but it's so brief. You were pleased with all the self care I am doing but why don't I feel any better. The sadness and despair are a little overwhelming.

Dear pdoc,

I wish i had loads to say. But i don't. But still.. i cant believe today was our last meeting. That i wont meet you again... I'll miss you. You were a great pdoc. And if we were ever to bump into each other on the streets, i hope you will still give me the same smile. Take care pdoc, be well always. Sending positive vibes your way. I will always remember the difference you made in my life.

- htn

Sent from my crazy phone using Tapatalk 2

Dear T,

I hate your stupid breaks. I've been thinking about how I experienced you at first: I thought you were cold, uncaring, distant and mean. Gradually I've learned you're not like that. Could you please stop turning into my dad? Could you tell my unconscious to stop playing these stupid tricks on me please?

Dear t,

Thank you for calling me. I appreciate all the little things you do to reasure me. Thank you for telling me you're not going to walk out on me, it means a lot. I'm going to work really hard to get better. I want to get better. Thank you for not getting mad at me and helping me understand why i'm the way i am.

I am so so nervous. I'm not going to apologize for what i said to you. That came from the hard. The raw pure truth. I am so hurt and so distraught over our termination. I feel like world is crashing down around me, and you, my one lifeline, is no longer.

It's an odd feeling, to know that the one person that you confided in, told all of your secrets, and depended on for so long is all of a sudden gone. After our termination, it will be like you never existed- no contact, no phone call, no little funny pictures to wake up. I feel like through losing you, I am losing a mother, a friend, and a confident. I know that it not what the t relationship is supposed to be, but it was what it was. and it was ok for so long. I can't believe that you took this way out. I just am in shock.

i am second guessing myself over and over. If someone you thought the world of and trusted could do this to you, could look at you and lie, then what else is the world hiding. all of sudden, I feel like I've aged years. I feel like the world is a cruel sinister place. I feel like I've lost faith in humanity.

Dear Usual T,

So New T kicked your *** as far as when I needed support yesterday afternoon and today...he even called me back yesterday afternoon when I was seeing him today.
You however have always sucked at calling me back and now that you use email you suck at that, too.
SO HELLO, ARE YOU OUT THERE? What I did yesterday was IMPORTANT (you said so yourself) and scary and awful. I told you not to call me back, but when I emailed you, a few words of encouragement might have been nice since I was in sheer panic mode. Now I called you about changing my appt. Chances of hearing back from you about that...iffy. Chances it will be over email if I do hear back from you, 100%. I think I hate email and am glad New T doesn't use it.

New T: +1 point and another point for being so supportive
You: Are sucking

Oh and ex-T, I hope you enjoyed my letter you agreed to read that you received yesterday. I am guessing not.

I am such a failure at life and everything, no wonder you can't be bothered to text me back.
Why do i bother?

I don't know what is wrong with me. Please fix me. I hate being this way.

I purged today. I can't tell you because you will be disappointed in me. I'm sorry.

Thank you for such a great session... And thank you for the cupcakes. U know I love cupcakes. <3

Thank you for acknowledging my feelings. Thank you for making me part of the termination plan. Thank you for just asking me what I was thinking about all of this. New t has never asked me how I felt or what I thought once. It was making me start to feel like I didn't matter and it's my treatment... How ridiculous.

It was really nice to see you. I missed you. So much. I hope that whateve you are doing and wherever you are going these next couple weekends goes well! Talk to you later