Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VI

You never doubted for a minute that I'd come through it? Hokay. I think you did, Mrs. Come on, now. You at least doubted that we'd have come through it - together - I think you doubted that a LOT!!

But that's okay. We forgive each other, don't we? It doesn't feel like there are things left unsaid or anything left hanging over us. I feel that we're good again now... that maybe things are even better than ever! We just have to continue to have faith in each other, and ourselves.

So... I hope you don't get upset with me if I still struggle sometimes, when I go all shy, when I feel vulnerable and/or ashamed and feel I can't force the words out of my mouth... I hope you don't take it as a reflection on our relationship or think it's down to a lack of trust. It's my issue - not an issue I have with you.

Love and HUGS
xx

Thanks for nothing. I'm done.

(((Hugs)))

You seem to have forgotten common courtesy, T. And you owe me money.

T,
I feel as if you've let me down. I'm disappointed and upset. Fortunately it's a few days until I see you, so there won't be any need to tell you, and I am not going to make the same mistake again. You haven't done anything wrong, of course, I know that. It's just the irrational part of my mind that is upset.

I'm done. I just can't do it anymore. I'm falling apart and talking about it makes it worse. I'm not broken, needing to be fixed. I was put together wrong to begin with. No one can help.

So, I never actually said this to you but I thought it. I used my voice instead and you were above and beyond supportive and kind. I am humbled by your generosity to listen to me and by how much I need you right now.

So now that I contacted your outside of session and asked you to do something for me (schedule the sand tray room), I want you to know that I heard your excitement that I had asked. Like the time I was hotflashing last summer and you skipped over to get the fan you had, plugged it in for me, let me set it up how I liked. What is the big deal? It was just a request.

I think you sent me a dream last night, what the $%^& was that all about. Why were you and your wife (who looks suspiciously like an elderly Mary Poppins, with a hat and an umbrella, with kind eyes) watching a movie in your office, and why did you invite me to join you? That's such a bizarre dream that you sent me, and that I had to come find you because you were late for my session (which you never are outside of this dream you sent me). And then when I reminded you that we had a session, you said you'd come get me in a few minutes. Did you? No, you didn't. When I went back to your office, your wife was gone, and you were like, yes, right, we have a session.

Stop reading my posts on PC, and stop sending me dreams directly into my head. I don't think that's too much to ask.

T thanks SO much for offering me a 2nd session and especially for offering it to be over the weekend because of my long workdays. There just are not words for how much I appreciate you.

Dear T,

Forget everything I told you tonight. Just forget it.

Anne, you crack me up

My T sent me a dream directly into my head, as well. What do they think they're playing at?!

How do you think we can take our (appropriate) revenge? How about we send dreams directly into THEIR heads. You do my T, I'll do yours, so they can't be traced back to us.

You guys crack me up
My T doesn't send dreams into my head, but he gets into my dreams --- all the time!! Sometimes it's obviously him, other times he's in disguise but I know it's him. I want my dreams of Robert DeNiro back!! At least then I could fantasize guilt-free .....

Dear T,

I am thinking of you tonight but I think of you every night and every day. All I am guilty of was loving you. Was that so bad? I never hurt you. Never took advantage. I did nothing to deserve this humiliation. Did you think so little of me? I guess I know the answer to that. I am so sad, and now, I am without a therapist. Do you really think I could trust another therapist again?

Dear T,
yesterday when I was talking about the fact I had very very hard time the day before. The longest and most intense panick attack ever (24h) and that I didn´t know what to do and who to call and ask for help because seriously I thought I´m going to colaps or something. That I was really not doing well and felt so alone in it. I kind of hoped you would say If this happens ever again that I can call you......but you never said it......I feel so alone in this right now.

T, I still haven't heard back from you. Feeling very vulnerable and exceedingly concerned about you. I really hope everything is OK.

56 days and counting since we last saw each other.

Dear T,

You disappoint me a lot lately.
I thought you knew more than you do.
I have to accept your limitations.
I have to radically accept that you are never going to be anything but my therapist.
I have to accept that I pay you to help me, and that's the bottom line.
I hate you.

Love,
rainbow

Weird. What's up with that?

Eff you very much, T. You know what I said about common courtesy before? How difficult is it to acknowledge that I asked you for something (in this case, money I overpaid you!)?

I'm still furious with you. And missing you is making a hole in my heart.

dear t, I'm regretting that I ever told you my secret, and I don't want to see you monday... I will tell you what I am thinking, and you will agree that I should probably get more intensive help... I don't really want it whole-heartedly, and would really rather you let me go on my way so I could just self-destruct quietly. I actually really just hate myself for feeling this way... I hope I am not over-estimating you seeing right through me. I can't afford to mess up my relationship with the urges in my head... but please don't think of me as a lost cause... I don't think I could handle that.

aHA! I knew it! So that's why my t is so good at dream work. She's putting 'em there in the first place so she can be all prepared to "figure them out" when I tell them to her. Ha. haha!

T-T-ta-T-T-T I wrote a short essay today around 350 words or so answering your question "Why isn't (therapy) real life?" Maybe I'll send it to you so we can talk about one of these times. Not Sunday, this extra appt is to finish the discussion about my shamanic journey that we started on wednesday, and maybe if we have time to go back into the sand tray as well. Big stuff there T. I was exhausted after we talked on Wednesday!!!

oh and thank you again for saying i can call between appointments if i need some extra time. i just never never want to bother you or become a pest, so i never do, but you always seem to figure it out when I wish I had and you offer an extra appt. you're the most awesomest t in the world.

Dear T,

I told you at the very beginning that I had everything set up so that i am just barely functioning and can't get much worse without falling apart and dropping everything all over - all the crap I've been trying to keep together. I told you my ambivalence to engage in therapy was related to this ridiculous set up I have going on in my life that I don't know how to get out of now. How its too big and too elaborate....

Soooooo T, don't you see that now it's starting to fall all over the place here?!?

Lend a hand already. Please.

Dear T,
screw a) you, b) the quadraped on which you rode in.

No, not really. Of course not. But I'm really not doing well, and you are making things harder for me, and I am scared stiff of telling you that, and I have this unreasonable feeling that you ought to know all this, and how on earth could you know that when I'm not telling you, and it is all.my.own.fault. Screw you for not being someone you're not. Screw you for not genuinely liking me, when all I have the right to demand is your professional interest, which I am getting in abundance.

Sorry. You're doing nothing wrong and I'm doing everything wrong. I just hope I'll get out of this state of mind before I see you.

Sincerely, Mast, who would fail any student who wrote as incoherently as I do.